Quit thinkin’ about it.
Will Blayne
12
Nov 09
In Under 15 Minutes
I was irritated this afternoon. I was pissy, bitchy, frustrated and crabby. I felt like I was on the verge of a full-fledged funk. No, it wasn’t my period. No, Mark hadn’t done anything. I was out-of-sorts.
History has taught me that if I don’t get a handle on this crabbiness, it can go deep. I didn’t have the time or patience to walk the hill. I’m trying to be disciplined and not reach for a glass of wine. I needed to do something quick, between helping with homework and cooking dinner.
When I was married to Mark, we had a neighbor who was a lovely lady. I’d see her occasionally and she was always pleasant and encouraging. I always looked harried and tired. She didn’t have a clue about my marriage to a narcissist. She probably assumed that I looked the way I did because I was home all day with two little kids.
She’d often look at me with kind eyes and say, “This, too, shall pass.” Initially, I would find comfort in her words, but later I became annoyed with that expression. I kept wondering, “Just when will this pass? How long do I have to wait? Can’t I speed this up a bit?”
I needed to play a more active role in getting through those episodes. Continue reading →
10
Nov 09
Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist
I just came back from a weekend away. It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go. I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen. I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others. Accommodators don’t like to impose. That is against our very nature. Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable. So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.
__________
It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house. They don’t even stay for over-nighters. Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma. Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip. And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip. I had to get creative. (See what I mean?)
When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore. Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either. It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore. I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything. I had no choice but to trust Jenny. It is my job to protect her. I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present. There would be no over-nighters — ever.
___________ Continue reading →
06
Nov 09
Narcissists Can’t Dance
I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room. It’s going to stay that way. Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door. Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get Fridays. Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room. It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.
In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life. There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff. Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit. You shouldn’t do that for long. But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation. It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen. Music shares your pain. After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face. Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys. Will and Jen know all the words by heart. I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning. But they love the beat.
When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ. Wow. It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play. One kid plays the flute. One kid plays the trumpet. The cool kid plays the drums. The even cooler kid plays the guitar. And the nerdy girl plays the organ. I got to take organ lessons. That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating. If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.
My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ. She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud. It was her way of shouting at the world. Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.
I hate the organ. I have an iPod. Lucky me. The three of us enjoy it in the morning. I enjoy it all by myself at night. I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs. And the dancing is a big part of the music. We all dance like maniacs around here. It’s a great way to have fun with each other. And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress. Who cares what you look like? It’s about the fun of expressing the music. Continue reading →
04
Nov 09
Housekeeping
My bathroom is dirty. The kitchen floor needs to be mopped. I probably haven’t vacuumed in … I’m not going to tell you how long it has been. I was just brushing my teeth, noticed the spots on the bathroom mirror, the dusty bathroom floor and thought, “Hm, I really ought to get to that.” I finished my teeth, turned off the bathroom light and walked away. I can walk away from things like that now. I get to determine when I handle those chores.
I get to decide what time we eat dinner. If dinner is lousy, I don’t get any dirty looks or snide comments. I choose what I want to watch on T.V. – when we’re done watching the Disney Channel. I hang pictures where I want. I rake the leaves if I want, or not. I don’t make the beds every day. ( I never have understood that custom. You get out of bed, you eat breakfast, get dressed, go to work or school, come home, do homework, eat dinner and go to bed. No one is there all day to notice that the bed is made. What is the point?)
By now you are thinking I am a slob. I’m actually organized and kind of tidy. But my priorities are different now. After work and school, we work on homework, throw the football, make some birthday cards, eat dinner together, play cribbage or CandyLand. We talk about our day. We commiserate and plan and laugh and drive each other crazy. We enjoy each other and appreciate being together.
And, yes, we do clean the house together. The kids are wonderful about helping because there isn’t the pressure to make everything perfect. Usually we tackle things when I know someone is about to stop by. Then I say, “Okay you guys, go into the livingroom, and if there’s any of your stuff in there, find where it lives.” Then Jenny will usually say, “Are we doing that thing where we pretend like we aren’t messy?”
If I had to suggest a housekeeping tip, it would be this: Make the decision to keep a different house, not the narcissist’s house.
01
Nov 09
What We Discard
The things people discard tell more about them than the things they keep.
Hilda Lawrence
01
Nov 09
Trick or Treat
We survived another Halloween. They might be a little less scary now that we aren’t living with the narcissist anymore. He called yesterday afternoon to ask if he was invited to take the kids Trick or Treating. I was confused, “I thought I heard them invite you last night?” He lets out a dramatic sigh and says, “Well, yes, but I didn’t know if something might have changed by today.” Apparently he needs to be invited to be a parent.
The kids had overheard my phone conversation with him. They asked what it was about. I explained that their dad wondered if he was still invited to take them Trick or Treating. Will laughed and said, “Oh, he’s doing that thing where he wants us to beg him to come over.” Jenny said, “No, actually, he doesn’t really want to go at all, so he’s seeing if we’ve changed our minds.” They are both correct, to a certain degree. They definitely have him pegged.
Then, when he had completed his 20 minute stint with the kids, he asked if they wanted to do anything on Sunday. Will excitedly told him that we’d be eating junk food and watching the Packers beat the Vikings. Mark was never much into watching football. I think he’s a little miffed that the kids and I are getting into it.
Today, he called 10 minutes before the game was supposed to start. He talked to Jenny, because Will was busy, and his message was, “I’m just letting you both know that I am available to talk on the phone, or to come over and hang out.” And that was it. Clearly, he is letting them know that he expects them to call and beg him to come over. He wants to see if he can actually trump the football game. He wants to see if they like being with him so much, that they’ll gladly change any plans that they’ve made with me. While it may sound like he wants to see/be with the kids, he really just wants them to want to be with him. When he gets over here, he is not at all interested in how they are or what they have going on in their lives. And when they don’t initiate anything with him, we don’t hear from him for days.
And here’s what I do … I spend the rest of the afternoon reminding them that they may want to call their dad. Old habits die hard. I am so conditioned to try and foster this relationship between my kids and their dad. It’s like breathing. I used to say, “Don’t forget to call your dad. Your dad would appreciate a phone call tonight. Do you want to see if your dad would like to come over?” I am setting them up for the same kind of relationship that I had with my dad, and then with Mark. Those relationships were totally driven by me. They were not reciprocal. They were one-sided. When I dropped the ball with my dad, the relationship was over. When I decided to leave Mark, he didn’t come after me and say, “Hey, I’ll try harder. Let’s make this work.” Do I want that for my kids? I continue to foster this “relationship” because I don’t want my kids to some day say to me, “Why did you keep us from seeing our dad? Why couldn’t we see him whenever we wanted?” Continue reading →
31
Oct 09
Can You Connect With A Narcissist?
My brother has big, chocolate brown eyes. When he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else. His gaze is warm and welcoming. He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted. My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dogs’ names, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball. He can be intense — in a good way. You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.
I get energized from connecting with people.
(I admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled. I know… I’m supposed to do that from within.)
My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll ask a clerk for help. Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …
I can’t get out of a store without hearing the makings of a life story. Continue reading →
28
Oct 09
Holding Back
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
Anonymous
28
Oct 09
Filling The Hole
I can’t sleep — again. Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.
In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better. Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.
If you have never tried journaling, you need to. I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life. A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.
Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing. It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.
Tonight I was thinking about my theory – it’s not an original theory. It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.
I believe we all have a hole in our soul. Some call the hole a void or an injury. I don’t like “injury”. It’s too dramatic. “Injury” leads to the word “victim”. I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim. It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →
26
Oct 09
Narcissists Are Six-Year-Olds
When I first started digging into all this narcissism stuff, I kept reading that a narcissist’s maturity level stops at about the age of six. I was astounded at how all these characteristics of narcissism perfectly fit my ex-husband. But I have to admit, I really thought the six-year-old thing was a bit of a stretch. I guess I was taking it too literally. I mean he owned a business, drove a car and had a checkbook. He didn’t really act like a six-year-old. Or did he?
While Mark was here to visit with the kids Friday night, he kept trying to hatch a plan to pick them up the next day. I could hear the kids dodging his questions. When they don’t want to do anything with him, they always say, “We’ll have to check with mom, first, to see if she has made any plans.” That’s my clue to make up some plans. They’d been kind of secretive with him when he was asking them about getting together. After he left, they told me the reason they didn’t want to see him the next day. Turns out he had come up with a plan for a Christmas gift for me. He wanted the kids to help him with it. They wanted to have nothing to do with it because it was all his plan. He hadn’t asked for any of their input.
The next morning, he called to see when he could pick up the kids. It’s getting somewhat easier to be honest with him. I told him that they weren’t excited about working on the project with him since it was all his idea. He said, “Well I know it was all my idea, but I thought they liked my idea.” I thought to myself, “Well did you ask them if they liked your idea? Or did you just assume that they liked your idea? Or better yet, how about you ask them what they’d like to get me for Christmas.”
Here’s where the six-year-old behavior begins. That was Saturday morning. I’m writing this Monday, after the kids have gone to bed. He usually calls for his bogus goodnight calls almost every night. He didn’t call Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday nights. He is pouting. We are being taught a lesson. He is giving us the cold shoulder. We have gotten to the point where we really enjoy not hearing from him for a couple or three days. One of the kids will notice that he’s not calling and say, “Dad must be pouting again.” Then a couple more days will pass and one of the kids will miss him. They will ask if they can call him. I will say, “Of course you can call your dad.” They will call, and he will pick up where he left off at the last visit, like nothing ever happened.
A couple years ago on Father’s Day, Will was torn about what to do. He felt obligated to spend the day with his dad, but he also wanted to spend time with his grandpa, at the cabin. We came up with a marvelous idea for fitting both plans into the day. When we explained the plan to Mark, he actually whined and said, “Well what about me? What am I supposed to do? It’s my Father’s Day, ya know.” At the time, Will was 9, and grandpa had already assumed more of the fathering role than Mark had. Will knew that he was expected to spend the day with his father, but he also knew what a farce that was. I remember the three of us standing in the driveway. Will and I looked at each other and then we both looked at Mark. I couldn’t believe that not only had that immature thought entered Mark’s mind, but he actually verbalized that thought–in front of his son. Who were the adults in that scenario? Besides, once someone says something like, “Hey, you’re supposed to be with me,” how much does anyone want to be with them? And how enjoyable, then, is it for the person who had to beg another to spend time with them? Continue reading →
24
Oct 09
Acceptance
You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.
Jeph Jacques
24
Oct 09
One Day At A Time
If you’ve read this far, you have most likely suffered from a relationship with a narcissist. Sometimes I find myself thinking that every time I turn around, I find a new person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist, or has discovered, finally, that they were raised by narcissists. Narcissism is very pervasive in our culture, and it seems to be getting more prevalent.
At this point, if you haven’t checked out my disclaimer page, you might want to do that.
I will remind you that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL on the survival of narcissism. I’m not there yet. I do believe that I’m headed in the direction of becoming a professional narcissism survivor.
Surviving with narcissism is a work-in-progress. I am having way more good days than bad days. I guess that means it’s working.
These aren’t magical steps that will cure you overnight. These suggestions will not have you waking tomorrow morning with a plan for how your life will dramatically change. This is a slow and steady process. But because it is slow and steady, it takes. It will last. You will eventually see that you’ve modified your behavior. You will become pro-active instead of re-active. Your kids will see that you possess a power they didn’t know you had. You will respect yourself and know that you are worthy of a healthy life. Continue reading →
