a girl can dream « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: a girl can dream

A Tale of Manifesting

“Mom, didn’t you say you were going to take us to a play about Camelot?”

I’d lost the note I’d written. At the beginning of April, I’d discovered a college production of a funny version of King Arthur and Camelot. I’d forgotten to buy tickets and the date was fast approaching. “Will, I’m glad you reminded me. I’ll get online and find out where to get tickets after we get back from the hardware store.”

__________

We’d gone to Home Depot under the guise of exploring options for a homeowner repair. We came home with a pile of seed packets instead.

They each got to select a couple different packets for their corner of the garden. Jenny selected celosia, forget-me-nots and celery. She doesn’t actually like celery but her imaginary friend does. Will selected a packet of habanero seeds and sweet onions. I picked basil, California Poppies, hollyhocks, and nasturtiums. I’m sure there were more in there. Continue reading →

Control / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Apr 12

So You Say…

So you say… that you wish you could find extra hours in the day to maybe carve out a compost pile in the backyard, learn to play the fiddle or compile all those photos into scrapbooks; yet you never miss an episode of your favorite TV show.

So you say… you’d like to do a better job of keeping in touch with friends, but there’s never enough time after work, homework, laundry and dinner, especially with the time you spend on Facebook every night.

So you say… you could cut back on hours at work, if only you could get your budget under control, while spending every Saturday at the mall looking for something to fill the void.

So you say… you’ll be able to slow the family pace a bit, right after the next session of swim lessons. Oh, but there’s another season of soccer coming up and junior has to take soccer with all his buddies.

So you say… you’re going to take this minimalist lifestyle thing seriously, once you buy the shelving to organize all the stuff in storage. Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 11 Comments
13
Apr 12

Time Out

The rainy grey skies gave her permission to sink into the couch.

Leaks were collecting in metal bowls that ran the length of the soggy carpet. She had lined the bowls with paper towels to mute the ping ping as the drips accelerated.

The ping pings soon turned to sploosh splooshes.

The kids would be gone for four hours.

The basket next to the fire was stocked with wood. The fire peaked at her through the glass, giving her its permission. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
10
Apr 12

When Enough Is Enough

She could remember when seeing his name in her Inbox made her heart race with excitement. Now seeing his name in her Inbox made her palms sweat. She let the cursor hover over his name. She didn’t want to click to open his email.

She’d have to decide what to write back.

Did she even want to write back?

Being nice was her thing. She’d been supportive. She’d been there. She’d listened and responded.

Was there anything positive coming out of this relationship? If this was positive, why did it feel bad?

Were there healthier places to invest this energy?

Was she opening and answering emails because she was afraid there wouldn’t be another to come along.

She closed her laptop and stared out the window at the park.

__________

Her daughter came up and said, “Mom… are you interruptible? Can I ask you something?”

She looked into her daughter’s blue eyes and found the answer she’d been looking for:

Would she – one day – want her kids to
pin their hopes on this kind of relationship?

She opened her laptop and deleted his email before opening it.

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Tools — 16 Comments
5
Apr 12

Perspective

My breathing is loud. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I can’t remember if this is the sixth or seventh lap.

Does it even matter how many times I climb this hill, just as long as I get out here and move?

I get to the top and survey the river. Through the pounding I hear my thoughts:

You are reaching for the cheaters more than you used to.
Maybe it’s age that keeps you from remembering how many times you’ve walked up the hill.
Remember when your ass was below your waist and not behind your knees?
You ought to have given more thought to what it would be like to physically keep up with two young kids at the age of 50.
When did you get to the age where Mom Jeans are comfortable?
Isn’t it time to consider coloring your hair?

I head down the hill and wonder if this upcoming birthday could quietly sneak away in the night without anyone in my family doing anything about it. Through huffs and puffs, I laugh at myself because I know it’s not so much about the day, as it is about my perceptions of what it’s like to be turning 50. Continue reading →

Homekeeping / Parenting — 7 Comments
19
Mar 12

homekeeping 8

Three bags, nine days, and no laptop.

We’re headed off for another adventure.

Jenny has packed her favorite Barbie, a new floppy sun hat, a swim suit and sundresses.

Will is taking his skateboard. I’m concerned he might try to sneak Nina in at the last minute.

I’m packing Sophie’s World by Jostein Gaarder. I’ve had it for a long while. Something tells me it’s time to read it.

The kids plan to go horseback riding, golfing, swimming, hiking and skating. They hope to hang with a mom who doesn’t have her nose in a laptop. I’m going to make sure that happens.

I also plan to walk, read, swim, write in a spiral notebook, and pretend to hit a little white ball with a metal stick and try to avoid saying bad words while doing so.

As I write this post, it is snowing, and that means our timing couldn’t be more perfect. I got to shovel walks this morning, and soon we’ll be boarding a plane to head south – another example of the good being better because of the bad. ;)

If you leave a comment on the blog while I’m away, please know that I’ll reply when I return.

I’ll miss you all.

Happy Spring.

;)

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
29
Feb 12

Asking vs. Imposing

I could have backpacked in Europe for three weeks after I graduated from college.

I didn’t.

My brother did.

My brother backpacked and made memories. He ended one phase of his life with a grand adventure.

He asked mom if he could borrow the money to make the trip. She said, “Of course you can!”

I didn’t.

Oh, I could have… but I thought asking would be an imposition.

Now I know that asking isn’t an imposition when you ask those who care about you.

__________

I wrote a post for the Stratejoy Essay Contest.

I’m asking for your vote.

If you have the time and the inclination, Jen, Will and I would greatly appreciate your vote.

Love,

Jesse

Click here to place your vote.

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 23 Comments
17
Feb 12

Life in the Village Where Relationships Come First

Once upon a time there was a contented village where everyone worked together to pursue their goals, realize their dreams, raise their children and make the world’s best ice cream.

There was one governing rule in the village:

Relationships must come first.

Relationships with partners, spouses, kids, parents, friends, grandparents, dogs, cats, gardens, trees, birds, butterflies, dandelions and all other living things must come first.

When a villager reached an age where self-awareness could benefit her rather than taint her (think narcissism) the relationship with her own self would become a priority as well. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
12
Feb 12

Be Mine

Dear Valentine,

I’ve been waiting for you.

I knew you’d come around.

I knew you’d get to a point where you’d finally see your own beauty. I knew that chip on your shoulder would heal and the anger would dissipate.

There is so much of you to love.

Your tender, compassionate heart never lets you give up. Your enthusiasm and belief that goodness will prevail is a contagious quality. The wisdom acquired from making mistakes and the lessons learned gives you a depth of character that is your most attractive quality.

You are graceful but still able to be silly; patient as well as spontaneous; and ready to laugh at yourself because you stopped taking yourself seriously.

You know you still have a lot to learn, and you aren’t afraid to change course in order to learn more.

Your actions back up your words. You’ve stated your priorities and you invest your time and energies in those priorities. You are an inspiration because of the choices you’ve made.

You are beautiful when you run around in your leopard print bathrobe and fuzzy red socks in the morning, before a shower, sipping cold coffee because you are busy with kids, feeding the cat, answering emails, stoking the fire, figuring out what to make for dinner, and swapping loads between washer and dryer.

You are beautiful when, with a kind voice, you announce that you need a break, and escape to the couch with a book and a steaming cup of Earl Grey.

You are beautiful flying down a ski hill, laughing at your own failed attempts at trying to catch your kids.

You are beautiful when you give what you can, but hold back before reaching the point of having nothing left to give.

You are beautiful when you cry during mushy movies, at the end of a great book, or when you look on your kids’ artwork.

You are beautiful when you let your kids follow their passions, even if it means you have sprouting potatoes in glasses of water in the window sill, ski wax all over the garage floor, and paint brushes in every corner of the kitchen.

You are beautiful when you try and fail and own your mistakes with grace and humor.

You are most beautiful when you keep trying without letting resentment cloud your heart or disappointment keep your spirit hidden.

I love that even on a crappy day, you are capable of finding beauty in stormy skies, piles of clean folded laundry, and a dinner that manages to please three different appetites.

I love the person you are now, but I also love knowing that you haven’t arrived yet. I can’t wait to see who you become.

I love that you’ve chosen to be kind to yourself. I love that you know what you are worth and what you deserve.

Anyone would be fortunate to call you Valentine.

Won’t you be mine?

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 21 Comments
31
Jan 12

What Lifts You Up?

He said, “Mom, why do you think I’m outta sorts today?”

I said, “Maybe you’re wishing we had snow. Maybe this is the pre-dad visit funk. Maybe you need to eat something. Or, maybe it’s just one of those days.”

And because the hot water of the shower has a way of warming my skull and opening my brain to the current of ideas that passes in and around this house, I came out of the bathroom with an inspired thought.

Imaginary Hot Air Balloons Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 34 Comments
27
Jan 12

Mid-Winter Frivolity

I want to see your faces.

I want to give and receive genuine hugs.

I want to hear your stories and connect while looking into your eyes.

I also have a craving for that scritchy feeling of sand under the waistband of my swimsuit.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 24 Comments
16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dude The front door flew open. I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch. “Mom! You got the house phone, right? Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will. You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails. He must be busy. He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill. It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going. In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work. Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for? Why did I invite dad? I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed. Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
22
Jul 10

Pulling Weeds

window-box That window gets smaller every year – that time between the excitement of spring planting and the heat of summer bringing pervasive weeds.

This year the window was particularly small. Seems like we waited forever for summer to get here, and suddenly the weeds have taken over the garden.

I headed out this morning, spade in hand, to perch on my little stool, and begin a little garden therapy. The tomatoes, herbs and pumpkins are being taken over because of neglect. More garden counseling sessions are in store.

As I started pulling, I went for the biggest weeds. By pulling the largest weeds first, it made the task less daunting. The big weeds make it look like there are more renegades in the garden than there really are.

The big stuff magnified all the little stuff. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 9 Comments
1
May 10

A May Day Surprise

lilacs We’re sending you a May Day Surprise. Since it’s a ‘virtual’ gift we can put in whatever we want – even if it’s not in season.

We’ve created a parchment cone with a twine handle. The parchment is a golden, brownish sort of sepia color and it’s relatively sturdy so that it can hold up to the twine that is looped through the holes on either side. The cones aren’t perfect, but they are full of love and sweetness. Some of the points of the cones are a little dented, and there might be too much twine hanging loosely where it’s knotted at the sides.

We’ve tucked in snipped twigs of the most fragrant, plump blossoms of lilacs. The colors range from the lightest shade of lavender to a deep, almost burgundy shade of purple. Here and there, Jenny poked in a few daisies, and Will tucked in some Italian Flat Leaf Parsley.

We’ve just hung this cone at your door.

This is Will’s favorite part… we’ll ring the bell and run.

You’ll set down your coffee on the way to the door and wonder, “Who could be stopping by today?”

You’ll open your door and be pleasantly surprised to see this funny little paper cone full of flowers. You’ll scoop up the cone and wonder, “Who left this here? This must be some kind of mistake. Who would bring me fresh lilacs?”

__________

Then you’ll remember that it’s the first day of May. You’ll remember being a child, in grade school, when the sun was starting to warm the playground. The teacher had told you about how kids used to dance around a May Pole. At recess, you stood in the sun to warm your shoulders, discovered the tether ball pole, and tried to picture what it would be like to dance around a May Pole with a wreath of flowers in your hair.

__________

With the cone of flowers in hand, you’ll walk back into the house, and sit down at the kitchen table. You’ll breathe in the deep scent of lilacs. Then you’ll discover the note card. On the envelope it says, “For You”.

for-you

You can hardly wait to open the envelope. Inside you’ll find a tiny card that says, “Someone is thinking of you today.”

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Mar 10

The Guy With The Alex de Grassi Album

I’m tired of reading about how women don’t like the nice guys. I know they are out there. I’d like to like one, I just don’t know how to act around a nice guy.

My imprinting didn’t include any instructions on what to do when a guy is nice.

I was telling someone the other day that I do real well opening up if I’m not worried about whether I’m liked or not. But if I’m in a relationship, and I’m asked personal stuff, I hesitate to reveal much because he might hear something he doesn’t like. And then where would that leave me? There’s too much at stake.

I didn’t say that any of this would make sense.

Continue reading →