cuz I am Woman « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: cuz I am Woman

How to Say “No”

“So why don’t you just say “no”?”

I put my cell back in my pocket and exhaled loudly as we continued our walk. “I dunno, Jen. My knee-jerk reaction is to always try to accommodate – if I can.”

“When they asked you, did you know right away what your answer was? Did you know right away that you wanted to say no?”

“Well, sure I knew I didn’t want to say yes – my stomach clenched. Yikes. That’s a pretty good indication that I want to say no. I don’t need more on my plate.”

She moved me closer to the sidewalk as a car approached – ever the protector, that one. “How come you don’t just say no right away?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
30
Apr 15

Narcissist for a Day

Today I’m going to be a narcissist. I’m going to put myself first.

I need to get something done – for me. In order to do that, I need to put all your stuff aside.

You know I love you. Right? And all day long, while I’m making myself a priority, I’ll still be loving you. But – just for today – I need to make some progress on my* list.

Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 8 Comments
11
Mar 15

When the Other Shoe Drops

Hank had finished polishing the bar when two women approached and perched on adjacent stools. He waited for a pause in their conversation before asking what they’d like. He heard the brunette say, “Well, you know that I’m always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. It’s the way I’ve always been.”

The blonde laughed. “I know, but you have had the shoe drop in pretty much every one of your relationships.”

The brunette said, “Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” She looked at Hank. “Hi, I’ll have the house cab. How are you?”

The blonde said, “I’ll have the same. Thanks.”

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 Comments
26
Feb 15

On Lost Souls

“Gladys, dear, I’m serving up some cherry pie. It’s still warm. Will you have a slice?”

“Margaret, it’s too early for pie. It isn’t even noon yet.”

Jon road up on his skateboard, “Since when do we have to worry about the time on this side? I’d love a slice of your pie, Margaret.” He leaned his board against a grave marker, “Actually, I think I’ll have pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That is if yer making it, Margaret.”

Margaret handed a slice of pie to Jon and giggled, “That’s the nice thing about this side. We’ll never run out of pie.” She scraped the server against the pie plate. “Gladys, if you don’t mind, dear, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question.”

Gladys sat down next to Margaret. “Go ahead. Ask away. Although I don’t know what I could possibly know that you don’t know.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender — 7 Comments
19
Feb 15

The INFJ and Lost Souls

“Hey, Hank. How are things?”

“Can’t complain, the bar is busy, the weather’s fine. It’s all good. What about you? What’ll ya have?”

“The dark stuff. Thanks.”

Hank filled a pint, stopping just before the foam spilled. He placed the beer in front of Joe. “Last time you were in here, it was Jack on the rocks. Did you figure things out with the woman?”

Joe laughed. “I’m still working on that. In the meantime, I gotta ask you – seeing’s how you’re the expert – about my sister.” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Jan 15

The Only Survival Skill an HSP Will Ever Need

Those dear souls flock to your door. They can’t help it. You draw them in with your counselor/helper/listener magnet. (Think moth to flame.) You’ve probably tried leaving the magnet on the dresser, or stashing it on the top shelf of the closet, thinking that if you hide the magnet, you won’t ooze that helper vibe. That helper vibe clings to you the way hurting souls cling to an HSP.

That’s our lot. We listen. We counsel. We comfort. We care. That’s who we are, even if/when we pretend we aren’t.

And so you open your door, pour the wine, stoke the fire and fluff the pillows. Their shoulders relax, the furrows in their brow release and the flood gates open. And you sip wine and listen. You refill their glass and listen some more. You offer them sustenance or a hug and most certainly a tissue. You do this automatically. You’ve done it all your life. You don’t have to remember how to be compassionate. You don’t have to refer to your cheat sheet on how to be kind and caring. This treatment defines your character and drives your actions. It flows from you the way their story flows through those flood gates.

When they leave – after they’ve purged and cleansed and lightened their load – you are left holding their big mess in your hands. But more times than not, you’re still holding another person’s mess in your hands. So you end up standing at the door, saying goodbye, juggling 2 or 10 or 100 different messes from souls who came to your door for comfort.

As you close the door, you wonder how you will clean up the wine glasses, re-stock the firewood, and go about your day while still holding the messes from all those hurting souls. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
16
Jan 15

Confessions of An Ex-Facilitator

Will thought if we left a little later, the timing would be off and we wouldn’t run into him, but when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw him getting out of his car.

Crap.

In my optimistic, nothing-will-ruin-our-day voice I said, “It’s okay. He knew we were going to be here. He knows we don’t get to do a mid-week escape very often. He hasn’t asked to ski with us. This will all work out. Trust me.”

Will said, “I just wanna ski with you two today. We never get to ski just the three of us.”

I lifted a pair of skis to my shoulder and said, “It’ll work out.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People — Comments Off
23
Dec 14

When the Apple Falls Far From the Tree

“So mom… you know that movie we watched the other night – the one where the gal worked for that mean lady, and she was miserable, but she stayed working for her for three years?”

“I know which movie you mean.”

She mopped the last bite of pancake through the maple syrup. “Well, you can’t really complain if you’ve only invested a year. And if you’ve toughed it out for like three years, that seems the time to make a choice.”

“Yeah? Not sure where you’re going with this, but I’m listening.”

“But if you stick it out for 16 years, complaining all the way and continuing to be miserable, isn’t it your own fault for staying. At that point, do you have any right to complain about that jerky woman you’re working for?”

“I see what you mean. And as long as you remember that that also applies to relationships, you’ll have it all figured out.” I laughed, “It sounds like my work is done here.”

“I knew you were gonna say that!”

Thank you for reading here. I wish you quiet sparkles, warm hugs from those you love the most, peace by a fire with a good book in your lap, and an optimistic feeling about the new year.

Be well, friends, and Merry Christmas!

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 11 Comments
17
Nov 14

Cold Beauty

It was cold that morning at 6:30. I turned on the kitchen light to make coffee and the thermometer told me it was -7. The fire had gone out. By the time Will shuffled out into the living room, the sun was turning the snow into shaved sparkles. He thought we ought to go out and take pictures. I told him I’d go out when it warmed to 5 above.

A bowl of oatmeal and five layers of clothes later, we grabbed our cameras and opened the front door to a blast of frozen air. There’s an indescribable quiet that comes with snow fall. Maybe that’s what makes winter bearable for this INFJ. The only sounds were coming from our boots as they made new crunching tracks in the fluff, and the honks of the Canadian Geese as they flew low over the Missouri.

Jen had received a new computer from the frozen UPS lady the night before. Even though she’d normally be the first out in the freeze to take pictures, she opted to stay behind and get acquainted with Speedy – the name she’d given her new Toshiba.

Will and I immediately set out on different paths. We’d each snap a couple photos, exclaim to the other about the view, and then cross each other’s path to take a photo of what the other had witnessed. Later, when we viewed our shots, I was surprised to see how similar our perspectives were. I’m sure it won’t be that way for long.

I’ve noticed that as each year passes, it takes me a few more days to get acclimated to the arrival of the cold. The first week or so finds me standing next to the wood stove, kvetching over too many cups of coffee. Then the day will come when I drag my butt outside, breathe the cold, take a few pictures and wonder how anyone could happily live without four seasons. And, yes, I’ve been known to bitch at the slow arrival of spring, when I’m sure I’ll die if I have to shovel the walks one more time. At least the seasons give me something to complain about, besides narcissism. ;) Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 2 Comments
8
Oct 14

Eclipse Through the Sumacs

I hadn’t set the alarm. There’s no need for an alarm for the important stuff.

With a cranberry red throw draped around my shoulders, I unlocked the front door. Nina comes quick whenever she hears the locks on the door. She didn’t look up at me for permission before darting out. I walked to the corner of the yard and saw the beginnings of the eclipse.

Should I wake them?

I tip-toed into Will’s room and whispered, “Will, the eclipse has started.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
7
Oct 14

Do As I Say

Do as I say, not as I do.

I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone. If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship. If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.

They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.

Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver — 9 Comments
12
Aug 14

Take a Left at the Coke Can

I’m in need of a bright spot. I’m struggling with getting back in the groove after spending a couple relaxing days in the woods.

The forwarded email about what animals look like when they see you naked had the three of us giggling. The dish of strawberries and whipped cream perked up Will. Jenny’s busy making a Sherlock Holmes doll, so she’s in a craft-induced focus.

The forecasted 98 degree temps are wilting the energy.

I could surf and find bright spots or I could create my own.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — 18 Comments
8
Aug 14

Random Thoughts at the Five Year Mark

wow.

This blog is five years old.

wow.

Things have changed a lot in five years. We not only survive, but we thrive on a mostly daily basis. The health of my kids (and myself!) is testament to the power of connection, the awesomeness of being heard, the cathartic healing found in knowledge and the magic of friendship. Continue reading →