The Care and Feeding of Your INFJ During the Holidays

Your INFJ at the HolidaysAren’t you lucky?  You have an INFJ in your life.  That means that while you’ll never completely understand what makes her tick, you’ll never be bored, and you’ll always know that she highly values the relationship she has with you.

Let’s try to make the holidays easier for you and for her.



This one is easy – invite her to parties.  Your invitation might sound like this, “Hey, I’ve got this party thing and I’d love for you to go, but I know you’d rather die, so I’m inviting you with the understanding that you like the invite, but you have no intention of going, and I’m cool with that.”

If it’s your office party, you might remind her that you have to go.  Tell her that you’re going with a couple guys from work, and that it won’t be nearly as fun without her.  (It’s okay to lie a little here.)  Then, after you’ve had a few and gotten the holiday party thing out of your system, text and tell her you miss her with, “Hey, I gotta get out of here.  Do you mind if I stop by?”

If it’s a family party, she’ll feel obligated to go because she cares about you.  Don’t make her stay long enough to learn your family’s house rules for Cribbage.  Remember that she has a limited tolerance for small talk – 20 minutes max.  Don’t leave her side.  Make sure her glass is full and that she has a few bites to eat to soak up the alcohol.  After she’s had enough wine to be able to fluently discuss art history with your sister-in-law, it’s okay to make your way to the kitchen to talk football, but do make sure you catch her eye as you head that way.  Later, let her help you with the dishes – she needs to feel like she belongs.  Be the one to suggest the time to leave, and make sure it’s before your mom invites you to spend the night.



She feels the same expectations that you do about gift-giving, only more so.   Try opening the conversation with, “Babe, I want to get you something special for Christmas, but I don’t want to overdo it, and I don’t want to be the schmuck who has to ask for ideas, but I need help.”  Then, look around her kitchen or living room – actually take notice of the way she decorates – and suggest things.  “Would you like another one of those zebra-print pillows?  What would you think of more long stemmed glasses and an expensive Cabernet?”  She’ll politely say no to both, but she’ll appreciate the effort you put in to noticing the things she likes.  Then pour two glasses of wine and relax while she gets comfortable with the idea of giving you some suggestions.  Lead with a couple suggestions of what you’ve always wanted for Christmas.  It’s okay to admit that you prefer a Pale Ale to Cabernet.  How else will she know?

If your INFJ has kids then don’t be that guy who doesn’t have a clue that Christmas is about kids.  It’s more important to get her kids something than it is to get her something – almost.  Tell her you are wanting to do something for her kids, and ask her, “What should I get your kids for Christmas that doesn’t make me look like I’m trying too hard.”  You’ll be blown away by the points you’ll score with that one simple question.



Whether you are in a romantic relationship with an INFJ, or you’re related to one, it’s good to remember that this time of year is overwhelming for everyone, but especially your INFJ.  That does not mean she doesn’t like Christmas.  She likes the deeper aspects of the holiday from connecting with old friends (via cards not phone calls), to intimate meals by candlelight, foot soaks while watching – and making fun of – a sappy Christmas movie,  stringing cranberries and making hot buttered rum mix.

She’ll desperately avoid the commercialism, noise and fake displays.  She’ll quietly yearn for snowy walks by moonlight, homemade gifts and your offer to help her make her grandma’s Povitiza recipe – even if that means you just sit at the table and sip a beer while telling her how cute she looks in an apron.



INFJs look for meaning in everything.  There’s plenty of meaning to be found in the weeks of December, but the meaning gets lost in the scramble to make the holiday perfect.  Avoid the media examples of a perfect holiday and steer clear of Hallmark’s version of Christmas.  Go to Kay Jewelers, but only to get something for your mom (unless she’s an INFJ).   Shoot for real and simple with a healthy dose of communication and your plans for a quiet New Years whispered in her ear.

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  1. I needed this to redirect my perspective for my other half. Yes, we are an INFJ/INFJ couple. It’s the most comfortable I have ever been in a relationship. But you know, those things that annoy you the most about your partner are those things you don’t like about yourself. He will dread my work holiday party, but will go so I don’t have to go alone. He doesn’t like buying presents (and he is muslim so Christmas is not really his thing), but will make sure I get something I want or give me extra money to spend on the kids. He appreciates receiving gifts that are something he really needs or specifically wanted, but would never ask for anything. All of this is true for me, except I like buying presents, but I don’t like to do it in the crowded stores or really any stores. lol. Online shopping is awesome for an INFJ. However you prefer to do it…make it about you. Happy Holidays everyone! :D

  2. Z,

    The kids heard me let out a happy (envious) sigh when I read that your man is an INFJ, too. wow.

    I do feel guilty that I don’t patronize more of the local establishments, but online shopping had to have been invented for us!

    Happy, quiet, peaceful holidays to you and yours, Z!

  3. There are blessings and curses in everything. We could be one of those couples that builds the log cabin out in the middle of nowhere and would be happy with each other…. and our iPads. LOL!

    I think the internet was made primarily for us, by one of us. ahhh…the antisocial aspects of being INFJ.

    Thank you and much happiness this season to you and yours! xx

  4. If only the right people would read this, the INFJs of the world would be so much happier. (Now we just have to figure out those “others”!)

  5. Z,

    I’m in the cabin on the other side of the mountain. You might be able to see the smoke from my chimney. ;)

  6. Pat,

    Please! Oh! Please.

    Write the guest post on The Care and Feeding of Your INTJ – not just during the holidays, but all year!

  7. Yes. All of this. When I read this I realized that I DO want Christmas, I just want it this way, not the way we’ve been trying to do it.

  8. Sandy,

    I must confess that my Christmas did not resemble the one I wrote of, however, we did make some amazing memories that will be fun to reflect on when I recover from the exhaustion.

    p.s. Sorry for the delay in this reply. I may have been trapped in some sort of holiday vortex.

    Happy New Year. ;)

  9. This is not accurate. Im an infj. I love the holidays. I love christmas the most. I love jewelry and cheesey displays and everything to do with Christmas. Whoever wrote this never met a real infj or would know half of this crap sounds like an infp not infj. The only thing accurate is invite me somewhere knowing i’ll probably say no, but i still want to be included and not left out. Also.. i dont want homemade gifts. Wtf. No… just ..NO. I want some thoughtful gifts from my significant other, a heartfelt card , something inscribed in a piece of jewelry maybe … but i like money, and visa giftcards so i can buy my own gifts and go on a shopping spree too. Also i like to decorate. I like to decorate like crazyfor christmas. I want my man to decorate with me. Taste my food i eat. Hang out with me and tell me im cute while im cooking or cuddle me afterward. Also… i like jewelry and talking to the family … Also, a good time to propose would be on a holiday ( Not valentines day though) but on my birthday or Christmas or the fourth of July. Actually makes it more special. And yes im sure im an infj. I was tested by professionals before i even knew what any of it meant. Im the real deal. Ive never tested anything but infj.. although part of me still feels like im part intj… anyway ..yeah. This article is mostly wrong. Sorry to whoever the author is. Sounds like you or someone you know is very infp .

  10. Jenn,


    Thanks for writing.

    Happy Holidays.

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