divorce « Surviving Narcissism

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You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 1 Comment
16
Nov 09

Narcissists and Friendship

A very dear friend called this weekend. We’ve known each other since college. She’s one of those special friends that, although we may not get to visit as much as I’d like, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. She’d been reading my blog and thought maybe I needed a call. I didn’t realize I was sending out an S.O.S. That’s a beautiful thing about good friends, they often know you better than you know yourself. They can tell when you are feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate your successes, they know your different phases. They can tell you to quit taking yourself so seriously, just as you can do that for them.

When I was first dating Mark, I was curious about the fact that he didn’t have any friends. Actually, there was one guy that he would do a few things with, but he was kind of an odd duck. He didn’t have any friends, either. I just assumed that Mark poured himself into his business, and he didn’t have any time to cultivate friendships. Funny how you can so easily turn a negative into a positive when you are in a new relationship. Then, when Mark and I had been married for awhile, I would think to myself, “Well, I guess he just prefers to spend his time with me when he’s not working.”

I would have killed to be a hunting widow or a golf widow. Every healthy relationship needs those spaces where you go away, get a new perspective, and come back to look at your partner with fresh eyes. You don’t need to go away for a long time. Maybe you need an afternoon break, or a weekend break. Never having a break from your partner is like never changing the sheets on your bed. They can get pretty stale and smelly.

Several years into our marriage, Mark would rant about how I prevented him from going on his mountain adventures. He felt tied down and never got to take off like he did before we were married. I had heard the stories of his adventures. In most cases, he was by himself. I think he was angry with himself for not wanting to go by himself any more, and so he directed the anger at me.

Narcissists are lousy at friendship. They aren’t interested in carrying on a conversation unless the talk is all about them. And they sure aren’t going to spend any time worrying about someone else’s issues, feelings or concerns. A close friend of ours was going through a divorce. I had invited her for dinner. I wanted her to know that she had our support while she went through a difficult time. We shared some beers on the front deck, and we just let her vent. That’s what friends do. At one point, Mark got out of his lawn chair and headed into the house. I thought he was getting something to drink. He didn’t come back. He didn’t come back for dinner, either. I made some excuse for our friend, saying something like, “Oh, Mark hasn’t been feeling well.” I had seen him do this before — get up from the dinner table, or simply leave a room in the middle of a conversation. His rudeness astounded me. After the friend had gone home, I asked what had happened to him. He simply said, “I was bored with the conversation and wasn’t interested in sticking around for any more.” That is precisely why he’d find himself alone on his mountain trips.

Quotes — Comments Off
13
Nov 09

Forget It

Don’t sweat it: If you’ve got a problem, look at it. If you can solve it, do it. If you can’t, forget about it.

Unknown

Control / Moving On — 1 Comment
13
Nov 09

When A 15 Minute Trick Doesn’t Cut It

I’ve been around the block a few times — sometimes even stomping my feet while I make the pass. I know that, in some cases, a few deep breaths, or a glass of water, or a handful of nuts, or a self-imposed time-out just won’t do the trick. Hell, I’ve even chugged the glass of water, grabbed the handful of nuts, marched outside, and come storming back in to start scrubbing the floor. By then, I’ve gone way beyond the 15 minutes, and it’s still not working.

This is when I get serious. This will sound like a contradiction to the 15 Minute Tricks, but it’s necessary to get inside my head for this approach. I force myself to sort through all the tangled thoughts that are swimming around in my brain.

An aside … One day I’m getting my haircut by this gal that I love who runs a beauty shop with her sister. They are chatting about this book that one of them is reading. It has something to do with “Women are Spaghetti and Men are Waffles.” How can you not enjoy an analogy like that? Besides, I absolutely adore spaghetti. I guess the premise is that women have every thought they’ve ever had wrapped around every other thought they’ve ever had. And all those thoughts are standing at the ready to wrap around any new or potential thoughts. Men compartmentalize their thoughts into neat little boxes, like the sections of a waffle. I’ve got to get that book. Anyway, I find that I’ve been enjoying thinking of female brains as plates of spaghetti, and male brains as a bunch of boxes with lids. (I don’t really like waffles. And I admire a guy’s ability to put a topic or thought into a box, put a lid on it, and return to it later. Sometimes they decide they don’t like, never have liked, that thought, and they never go back. I wish I could do that.)

So I’m going with the plate-of-spaghetti analogy. In that plate of spaghetti, or pile of thoughts, there are usually a couple thoughts that seem to be festering among the other relatively innocuous thoughts. The plan is to ferret out the one or two thoughts that seem to be poisoning all the others. The poisonous thoughts are the ones that do me in. I can deal with all the mundane issues. I begin to sort out the thoughts. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do about them, and take some kind of action.

Maybe your laptop is away for repairs. Maybe your laundry is multiplying and making its way down the hall. Maybe toys are littering every corner of the house. Maybe your mom can’t seem to find a way to say anything without hurting your feelings. Maybe the leaves are piling up and waiting for you to go at them with a rake. Maybe the furnace only comes on when you fiddle with the switch on the thermostat. Maybe the person you want to spend the rest of your life with lives 2000 miles away. Maybe you haven’t the slightest clue what to fix for dinner. Continue reading →

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12
Nov 09

Just Quit

Quit thinkin’ about it.

Will Blayne

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
12
Nov 09

In Under 15 Minutes

I was irritated this afternoon. I was pissy, bitchy, frustrated and crabby. I felt like I was on the verge of a full-fledged funk. No, it wasn’t my period. No, Mark hadn’t done anything. I was out-of-sorts.

History has taught me that if I don’t get a handle on this crabbiness, it can go deep. I didn’t have the time or patience to walk the hill. I’m trying to be disciplined and not reach for a glass of wine. I needed to do something quick, between helping with homework and cooking dinner.

When I was married to Mark, we had a neighbor who was a lovely lady. I’d see her occasionally and she was always pleasant and encouraging. I always looked harried and tired. She didn’t have a clue about my marriage to a narcissist. She probably assumed that I looked the way I did because I was home all day with two little kids.

She’d often look at me with kind eyes and say, “This, too, shall pass.” Initially, I would find comfort in her words, but later I became annoyed with that expression. I kept wondering, “Just when will this pass? How long do I have to wait? Can’t I speed this up a bit?”

I needed to play a more active role in getting through those episodes. Continue reading →

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
10
Nov 09

Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist

I just came back from a weekend away. It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go. I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen. I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others. Accommodators don’t like to impose. That is against our very nature. Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable. So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.

__________

It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house. They don’t even stay for over-nighters. Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma. Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip. And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip. I had to get creative. (See what I mean?)

When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore. Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either. It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore. I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything. I had no choice but to trust Jenny. It is my job to protect her. I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present. There would be no over-nighters — ever.

___________ Continue reading →

Moving On — 1 Comment
6
Nov 09

Narcissists Can’t Dance

I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room. It’s going to stay that way. Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door. Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get Fridays. Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room. It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.

In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life. There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff. Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit. You shouldn’t do that for long. But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation. It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen. Music shares your pain. After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face. Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys. Will and Jen know all the words by heart. I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning. But they love the beat.

When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ. Wow. It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play. One kid plays the flute. One kid plays the trumpet. The cool kid plays the drums. The even cooler kid plays the guitar. And the nerdy girl plays the organ. I got to take organ lessons. That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating. If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.

My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ. She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud. It was her way of shouting at the world. Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.

I hate the organ. I have an iPod. Lucky me. The three of us enjoy it in the morning. I enjoy it all by myself at night. I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs. And the dancing is a big part of the music. We all dance like maniacs around here. It’s a great way to have fun with each other. And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress. Who cares what you look like? It’s about the fun of expressing the music. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
4
Nov 09

Housekeeping

My bathroom is dirty. The kitchen floor needs to be mopped. I probably haven’t vacuumed in … I’m not going to tell you how long it has been. I was just brushing my teeth, noticed the spots on the bathroom mirror, the dusty bathroom floor and thought, “Hm, I really ought to get to that.” I finished my teeth, turned off the bathroom light and walked away. I can walk away from things like that now. I get to determine when I handle those chores.

I get to decide what time we eat dinner. If dinner is lousy, I don’t get any dirty looks or snide comments. I choose what I want to watch on T.V. – when we’re done watching the Disney Channel. I hang pictures where I want. I rake the leaves if I want, or not. I don’t make the beds every day. ( I never have understood that custom. You get out of bed, you eat breakfast, get dressed, go to work or school, come home, do homework, eat dinner and go to bed. No one is there all day to notice that the bed is made. What is the point?)

By now you are thinking I am a slob. I’m actually organized and kind of tidy. But my priorities are different now. After work and school, we work on homework, throw the football, make some birthday cards, eat dinner together, play cribbage or CandyLand. We talk about our day. We commiserate and plan and laugh and drive each other crazy. We enjoy each other and appreciate being together.

And, yes, we do clean the house together. The kids are wonderful about helping because there isn’t the pressure to make everything perfect. Usually we tackle things when I know someone is about to stop by. Then I say, “Okay you guys, go into the livingroom, and if there’s any of your stuff in there, find where it lives.” Then Jenny will usually say, “Are we doing that thing where we pretend like we aren’t messy?”

If I had to suggest a housekeeping tip, it would be this: Make the decision to keep a different house, not the narcissist’s house.

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1
Nov 09

What We Discard

The things people discard tell more about them than the things they keep.

Hilda Lawrence

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — Comments Off
28
Oct 09

Filling The Hole

I can’t sleep — again. Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better. Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to. I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life. A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing. It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory – it’s not an original theory. It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul. Some call the hole a void or an injury. I don’t like “injury”. It’s too dramatic. “Injury” leads to the word “victim”. I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim. It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
26
Oct 09

Narcissists Are Six-Year-Olds

When I first started digging into all this narcissism stuff, I kept reading that a narcissist’s maturity level stops at about the age of six. I was astounded at how all these characteristics of narcissism perfectly fit my ex-husband. But I have to admit, I really thought the six-year-old thing was a bit of a stretch. I guess I was taking it too literally. I mean he owned a business, drove a car and had a checkbook. He didn’t really act like a six-year-old. Or did he?

While Mark was here to visit with the kids Friday night, he kept trying to hatch a plan to pick them up the next day. I could hear the kids dodging his questions. When they don’t want to do anything with him, they always say, “We’ll have to check with mom, first, to see if she has made any plans.” That’s my clue to make up some plans. They’d been kind of secretive with him when he was asking them about getting together. After he left, they told me the reason they didn’t want to see him the next day. Turns out he had come up with a plan for a Christmas gift for me. He wanted the kids to help him with it. They wanted to have nothing to do with it because it was all his plan. He hadn’t asked for any of their input.

The next morning, he called to see when he could pick up the kids. It’s getting somewhat easier to be honest with him. I told him that they weren’t excited about working on the project with him since it was all his idea. He said, “Well I know it was all my idea, but I thought they liked my idea.” I thought to myself, “Well did you ask them if they liked your idea? Or did you just assume that they liked your idea? Or better yet, how about you ask them what they’d like to get me for Christmas.”

Here’s where the six-year-old behavior begins. That was Saturday morning. I’m writing this Monday, after the kids have gone to bed. He usually calls for his bogus goodnight calls almost every night. He didn’t call Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday nights. He is pouting. We are being taught a lesson. He is giving us the cold shoulder. We have gotten to the point where we really enjoy not hearing from him for a couple or three days. One of the kids will notice that he’s not calling and say, “Dad must be pouting again.” Then a couple more days will pass and one of the kids will miss him. They will ask if they can call him. I will say, “Of course you can call your dad.” They will call, and he will pick up where he left off at the last visit, like nothing ever happened.

A couple years ago on Father’s Day, Will was torn about what to do. He felt obligated to spend the day with his dad, but he also wanted to spend time with his grandpa, at the cabin. We came up with a marvelous idea for fitting both plans into the day. When we explained the plan to Mark, he actually whined and said, “Well what about me? What am I supposed to do? It’s my Father’s Day, ya know.” At the time, Will was 9, and grandpa had already assumed more of the fathering role than Mark had. Will knew that he was expected to spend the day with his father, but he also knew what a farce that was. I remember the three of us standing in the driveway. Will and I looked at each other and then we both looked at Mark. I couldn’t believe that not only had that immature thought entered Mark’s mind, but he actually verbalized that thought–in front of his son. Who were the adults in that scenario? Besides, once someone says something like, “Hey, you’re supposed to be with me,” how much does anyone want to be with them? And how enjoyable, then, is it for the person who had to beg another to spend time with them? Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
24
Oct 09

One Day At A Time

If you’ve read this far, you have most likely suffered from a relationship with a narcissist. Sometimes I find myself thinking that every time I turn around, I find a new person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist, or has discovered, finally, that they were raised by narcissists. Narcissism is very pervasive in our culture, and it seems to be getting more prevalent.

At this point, if you haven’t checked out my disclaimer page, you might want to do that.

I will remind you that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL on the survival of narcissism. I’m not there yet. I do believe that I’m headed in the direction of becoming a professional narcissism survivor.

Surviving with narcissism is a work-in-progress. I am having way more good days than bad days. I guess that means it’s working.

These aren’t magical steps that will cure you overnight. These suggestions will not have you waking tomorrow morning with a plan for how your life will dramatically change. This is a slow and steady process. But because it is slow and steady, it takes. It will last. You will eventually see that you’ve modified your behavior. You will become pro-active instead of re-active. Your kids will see that you possess a power they didn’t know you had. You will respect yourself and know that you are worthy of a healthy life. Continue reading →

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
22
Oct 09

Hello, I’m Over Here

I got a letter from a friend today. He prefers to write in longhand. Perhaps his point was so well-taken because he took the time to write the words out on a piece of paper with a pen. He scribbled through a few of the thoughts he wanted to change, and left edits in the margins. It was enjoyable to read. There’s something so personal and real about a handwritten letter.

He is a father-figure for two girls that mean the world to him. He writes of their personalities, their hobbies, and how much they have enriched his life. It’s clear that he is humbled by the fact that they choose to spend so much time with him. He feels that the best he can offer is to be there for them, to be accepting of them and to encourage them. It would seem that offering to be there, to be accepting and to be encouraging would not be too much to ask of a parent. It simply requires that you take a back seat, and not insist on putting yourself first all the time.

I’ve always wanted my kids to feel completely accepted for who they are. I encourage them in their uniqueness. I encourage them in their academics and extra-curricular stuff, but it’s most important that they know I value who they are, not just how they perform. I never want them to feel that they are an inconvenience. That’s the fall-out of being the child of a narcissist. Children of narcissists end up feeling that if they aren’t performing, or serving, then they are an inconvenience.

Another friend of mine, who also has a poor relationship with his father, once told me that he didn’t realize how lousy this relationship was until he had kids of his own. He would check in on his girls while they were sleeping, and he felt that his heart was ready to burst with the love he felt for them. He vividly remembers the first time he thought, “If my dad had ever felt that for me, there’s no way he would have treated me the way he did.” It’s when you have kids of your own that it really dawns on you the capacity you have for love. That’s also when you realize that you came up short in that department. It becomes painfully clear that the narcissistic parent was not capable of being there for you, couldn’t possibly accept you for who you are, and could only encourage you so far as that encouragement might benefit them.

Quotes — Comments Off
18
Oct 09

Initiate Change

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Andy Warhol

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
18
Oct 09

Narcissists as Manipulators

I was making banana bread today with a good recipe out of “The Joy of Cooking.” I use this cookbook at least once a week. It’s a favorite. Today, when I opened to the banana bread page, a note fell out of the cookbook. I’ve had this book for probably five years. I had forgotten there was a note inside.

The note was from Mark and it read:

Jess,

Hope you had fun tonight. Sorry about the “late” comment. It was uncalled for. I’ll work on the control thing and lighten up on expectations so you can relax. Have fun at the cabin. Have Will call if he wants. Mark

As I read this note today, I was thinking, “So, how’d that work for ya, Mark? Guess you couldn’t lighten up on the expectations or manage the control thing after all.” In fact, in one of our last “discussions” before I made the decision to move out, he said that he felt he was losing control, and that the family would be happier and healthier if he had more control. Continue reading →