Posts Tagged: divorce

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Stories — 24 Comments
21
Dec 12

A Good Kind of Christmas

She had hoped he’d walk into the kitchen, smell the Spritz Cookies baking in the oven, warmly greet the kids, and come up behind to wrap her in his arms and whisper, “Merry Christmas, honey.”  Instead, he walked in, grabbed the vacuum and started bumping into their toes as he cleaned up flour dust and cookie sprinkles.  “Daddy, aren’t the cookies pretty?”  He took a few more swipes with the vacuum and said, “Yes, honey, now let’s start cleaning up this mess.”

She’d planned to stroll arm-in-arm, watching the snow fall, seeing the Christmas lights twinkle, and enter shops to jointly select Santa’s gifts for the kids.  Instead, he told her that he was too busy and shopping was a wife’s job.

She decorated the tree with ornaments the kids had made, hung the stockings she’d sewn for each of them, and hand-colored the Christmas cards she’d planned to mail to their friends and family.  He told her he’d already sent cards to his friends and family, and that she didn’t need to bother combining his list with her list.

She put lots of thought into the gift she would make for him – maybe a collage of photos from his childhood, or a shadow box full of keepsakes from his outdoor adventures.  He let out a sigh of frustration when he asked, “So, what should I be getting you this year?”

He’d sit on the couch and watch TV while she read The Tub People’s Christmas. When the kids giggled over the arrival of Santa in the story, he asked if they’d keep it down so he could hear his show. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
11
Dec 12

On Default Settings and Choice

Stumbling in the dark, hoping to avoid stepping on the cat on my way to making that first cup of coffee in the morning, I do not have the presence of mind to plan on having a happy day.   Once I’ve had those first sips and my eyes start to focus, I am not any closer to consciously thinking, “Today is going to be really happy.”

Will is six-month-old puppy-happy every day, and even he doesn’t get out of bed and announce, “Today I’m going to be really happy.”  He just is.  That is his default setting.

My setting is more in the range of – get along; don’t rock any boats; hope to get a few things done and feel like I’m a decent person by the end of the day kind of setting.

 

Grooves and Defaults Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
27
Nov 12

When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee

“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”

“… and divorced.”

“Yeah.  That, too.  So how are you doing with it all…  the being divorced?”

“Well, I’m sleeping.  I’m eating.  My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time.  I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning.  How are you feeling?”

“Same for me.  I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks.  For the first time since…  oh….  probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — 1 Comment
5
Nov 12

On Ignoring Each Other

snow weights down the heads of wild grass

It’s amazing how much noise
people ignoring each other can make.
– Eoin Colfer

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 31 Comments
18
Oct 12

The Tyranny of Narcissism

 

Guest Post by Zaira

Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy.  This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist.  If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.

I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court.   He has promised both of these gifts to me.

There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out.  Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe.  I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago.  The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got.  There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it.  It knew he was lying then.  I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face.  Now I am reminded often that I was right.

Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:

“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech.  You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
16
Oct 12

Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist

You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.

You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.

You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.

You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
11
Oct 12

When Narcissists Carve Pumpkins

It’s highly unlikely that you’d get your favorite narcissist to spend an afternoon carving pumpkins with you.  They have much more important things to do.

But… if you find yourself on a day when the stars have aligned, the weather isn’t nice enough to do anything else, and you’ve sourced/doted on/adored your narcissist enough, he may acquiesce.

 

If he agrees, be prepared to hear some of the following:

 

“Hey, let’s keep the mess on the table.  Try to keep all the goo on the paper so it doesn’t get all over the house.”

“We don’t need those pattern thingys. Can’t you borrow some pumpkin carving tools from your mom?  I don’t want to have to spend any more than I have to on this project.  Besides, I can draw better than the folks that make those patterns.”

“Did you really just get pumpkin slime on your t-shirt?”

“Don’t draw the eyes so close together, that’s not what pumpkins look like.”

“We’ll keep these pumpkins at my house.  You guys get your own.”

“Make the mouth bigger.  You won’t be able to see it from the street.”

“No, that’s not how to do the eyes.  Here, let me show you.”

“Hey, watch it!  You got some on the floor.”

“Push up your sleeves.  You’re getting it all over everything.”

“You guys aren’t listening to me.”

 

At this point, the narcissist sighs deeply, asks you to hand him your tools and says, “Hey, I have an idea.  Why don’t you two go watch a show and I’ll finish the pumpkins.  That way they’ll be done right.”

 

On second thought, don’t ask your favorite narcissist if he wants to carve pumpkins with you.

 

Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 1 Comment
29
Sep 12

Control Your Destiny


I believe that you control your destiny,
that you can be what you want to be.
You can also stop and say,
“No, I won’t do it, I won’t behave his way anymore.
I’m lonely and I need people around me,
maybe I have to change my methods of behaving.”
And then you do it.
– Leo Buscaglia

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 7 Comments
5
Sep 12

The Anxiety of Narcissism

 

Guest Post by Zaira

A narcissist goes to the bar early on Saturday to watch a football game with his son, who is 9, and his friends.  He proceeds to drink all day, so much so, that he is passed out by 7pm and doesn’t wake up until well after his child has put himself to bed.

His son has called his mother and pleaded to come home at that instant, but she is restricted by the court and cannot pick him up from this situation unless his father agrees.  The son tried to wake his father up on numerous occasions with no response and is crying because he just wants permission to use the internet to entertain himself.  He is lonely and afraid to even turn on the television because it is against his father’s rules.

If his mother was to act in the best interest of her child, she would be faced with another contempt of court action by the father and even though he has driven home drunk with his child in the car and left him unattended in his drunken stupor, the law would uphold his complaint and hold the mother in contempt.

The mother talks to her son as long as she can, promises not to tell that he turned on the television, has him check all the doors to make sure they are locked, and says bedtime prayers with him after he tucks himself in.

At 2-something am, apparently after he has finally slept off the alcohol, the narcissist berates his ex-wife in an email accusing her of being irresponsible. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
24
Aug 12

On Being The Windshield

Sometimes your the windshield,
Sometimes your the bug.
-The Bug Lyrics
Mary Chapin Carpenter
 

A month ago, we told Mark that his scheduled visits weren’t working for us.

He had been the one to print the calendars and assign the visit days and hours per visit.  He delivered the calendars sometimes two months in advance and, in most cases, refused to be flexible saying, “The calendar was printed two months ago.  The kids know the schedule.  There will be no changes or cancellations.”

Life doesn’t work that way – especially with curious, creative, active young people.

Cousins come to town and want to spend every waking – heck, even the sleeping – moment with cousins they see only once a year.

Friends call with invites to fish or solve mysteries or paint or golf or just hang out all day without plans. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Stories — 1 Comment
6
Aug 12

Bandaging with Humor

 

I thought better of it.

I tried to talk myself out of it.

I could come up with something else.

But I can’t quit laughing about the truth in this email I received right after he left town.  I got this from a friend who didn’t know what I was dealing with.  And he got it from the hilarious world of the internet.  (Timing is everything!)

 

The wife left a note on the fridge:

“It’s not working.
I can’t take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with Mother.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold…….

What the hell is she talking about?

 

It’s funny because it’s true.

 Laughter heals.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Stories / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 25 Comments
17
Jul 12

A Wink From the Universe

She certainly didn’t need another cup of coffee.

She looked inside her purse to make sure the box of Pepcid was there.  She wouldn’t have been surprised if – in the panic this morning – she’d left it on the kitchen counter.

Good.  There was the Pepcid.  She took one with a sip of cold coffee.

The worst part about these court appearances is that they were early in the day – too early for liquid courage.

At least the kids didn’t have to be at this court appearance.  It was stressful enough without having to consider the emotional fallout from the kids.  It’s not like she could pump them full of antacids.

__________ Continue reading →

Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
13
Jul 12

Your Narcissism Handbook

This isn’t a bullet-point list of the ten proven steps you can take – tonight – to please your narcissist.

This isn’t the CliffsNotes Guide to convincing your counselor of your spouse’s NPD.

This isn’t the ultimate guide to finding an attorney who believes you when you try to convince her that your spouse’s charm is a ruse, and that he’ll take you to the cleaners, and trample his own kids on the way to the bank.

This isn’t the long-awaited recipe for a homeopathic remedy that you slip into your wife’s coffee in the morning in hopes she’ll come home, wrap you in her arms, apologize for treating you poorly, and promise to make you the priority you deserve to be.

This isn’t the iPhone app that supplies the snarky comebacks you wish you were quick enough to come up with to say to the narcissist in the next cubicle. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 22 Comments
9
Jul 12

Refresher Course in Backbone Building

“Don’t give me that condescending load of crap.”

That was his response when I asked if he would please feed Will dinner instead of a milkshake on their outdoor adventure days.

He said, “He told me he wasn’t hungry when I asked if he’d rather have dinner or a milkshake.”

What kid wouldn’t choose a milkshake over dinner?

I couldn’t leave it alone. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Quotes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
3
Jul 12

When He Cries

yin and yangBeware of men who cry.
It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings,
but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with
are their own.
– Nora Ephron
 

Beware the man who, when you tell him you’re leaving your husband, starts to cry and lament the fact that his wife left him five years ago.

 

Beware the man who, when surrounded by the beauty of his own children, sheds “happy” tears about a stranger’s five year old daughter who sat on his lap and kissed his cheek.

 

Embrace the man who gazes at you and tears up because he knows his life is blessed by your presence; and he makes it his mission to never let you feel taken for granted.

 

 

 

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