Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one’s enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked.
S. Vaknin
Posts Tagged: divorce
6
Jan 11
Solving a Mystery
This morning I was getting ready to put the finishing touches on a post about boundaries. I’d been convinced that things were going well with Mark because we had put some boundaries in place that protected us from hurts, while allowing for a modicum of a relationship with Mark.
He has been quite pleasant.
In the back of my mind, I’d been wondering if it’s really about boundaries.
Everything I’ve read about narcissists would indicate that a narcissist doesn’t respect boundaries. A narcissist goes through life looking for a source. Boundaries be damned. A narcissist doesn’t respect the needs of others, therefore, it would stand to reason that a narcissist would completely ignore any boundaries that a source might set.
I wanted to be able to explain this turn of events. Continue reading →
27
Dec 10
On Breathing Easier and the Battle Ax in the Middle of the Night
At 2:00 a.m., those voices in my head can be pretty loud.
I don’t know who let the battle ax into my bedroom. She was holding a cast iron skillet. I don’t know if the skillet is her trademark, or if she was planning on hitting me with it. Her hair held spongy pink rollers. Over her mom-jeans, she wore a food-stained apron in a cherry print that barely stretched over her ample hips.
I’m sure her middle name is Guilt. Her last name is Doubt. First name is Jesse.
She barked at me for taking my kids out of public school. She lectured me for wanting so damn much out of a relationship. She snarled at me about my choices and the direction I’m heading.
With one hand on her hip, she started her relentless pestering. “Everyone else seems content to be in a so-so relationship. Why do you think you deserve to be any happier than anyone else? Hello, Missy, this is happy. Look around you. Everyone is coupled up, and they go about their business just fine. How much time do they spend worrying about being happy?” Continue reading →
19
Dec 10
Dear Dad
I’m not mad at you any more. I’m guessing that you didn’t realize I was mad at you.
I’ve been mad at you for a real long time.
I wasn’t mad when you and mom got a divorce. I was mad after the divorce, when you never came around. I was mad when you said you’d come by, and you didn’t. I was mad at you for finding things to do with my brother, but not being able to find things to do with me.
It hurt my feelings when you couldn’t think of anything to talk with me about, or when you couldn’t make an effort at being interested in my life.
You never told me I was pretty or smart or capable or funny. Now I am insecure and lacking in self-confidence.
I was mad at you for expecting me to be the one to call. I had to be the one to create a relationship with you. When I dropped the ball on our relationship, and quit trying, you never picked it back up. You were content to just let things slide. Continue reading →
14
Dec 10
Spritz Cookies and Other Customs
We made Spritz Cookies on Sunday. They’re my favorite Christmas Cookie, and my brother’s, too. And now, they are Jenny’s favorite.
Forever, the tradition has been to only have Spritz at Christmas. They are special, and they should be saved for a special time of year.
A couple years ago, Jenny asked, “Mom, can we make Spritz other times of the year?”
I started to tell her that Spritz were only made at Christmastime and that is what we do, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t think of a good reason for not making them other times of the year.
I don’t have good china, but I think it must be like using your china for special occasions, and then realizing you hardly ever pull out the china, or the good silverware or the fancy linens or the other special stuff. Continue reading →
12
Dec 10
Bittersweet
I’ve been writing here for over a year. Jen and Will know what the blog is about. Will keeps asking for permission to read the whole blog. He’s not ready for that.
They both know about narcissism.
I read some of the posts to them. I have read many of the comments to them. I want them to share in this process.
We’ve all come a long way because of the growth we’ve experienced due to this blog and the amazing comments, love and support that occur here.
My goal is to sell my own products through this site. The kids know about that. We have plans and dreams based on what I may be able to do here. Because of those plans and dreams, they often ask me how many folks are checking in on the site. They see me checking the stats for the blog, and they’ve witnessed the growth in the numbers of people who read. Continue reading →
9
Dec 10
Some Days Are Like That
I make a damn good cup of coffee. I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg. Nobody cleans a cat box like I do. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes. I even find all the socks, almost every time.
And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.
When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.
I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read. The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.
I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →
1
Dec 10
Seriously?
A couple days before Thanksgiving, I called Mark to explain that the kids weren’t ready for a visit at his house. The first thing out of his mouth was, “What’s that about?”
I sighed and said, “The phone calls are going well. They just aren’t up for hanging at your place yet. When they went to dinner at the restaurant with you last week, they felt completely left out of the conversation.”
He laughed and said, “That’s ridiculous. The whole conversation was directed at them. It’s all about Jen and Will right now.”
I said I was sorry, but that they asked me to deliver the message that they wouldn’t be going to his house.
Then, out of habit, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving.” I didn’t say it to be snarky, sarcastic or snide. It’s a custom in our culture. That’s what people say this time of year.
He answered with, “Thank you.”
30
Nov 10
On Divorce
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
begun to. Helen Rowland
28
Nov 10
Rescuing Her Heart
She pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard. His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy. It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony. In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.
This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.
The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride. Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose. It was beneath them.
__________
They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle. Getting married was a default move. It made sense. It was expected. She assumed they’d marry one day. He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married. When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →
26
Nov 10
The Three of Us
There’s a post rolling around in my head. I keep trying to avoid it. It’s going to make me write it. It’s about why I believe divorce is the only way to survive a relationship with a narcissist.
I’m going to have to dig a little deeper.
That post is going to require a lot from me.
In the meantime, Jenny drew these faces on rocks.
They made me smile. They made me think about the three of us, and how there used to be four of us.
Now there are three with – brighter smiles, intact spirits and happier souls.
23
Nov 10
When I Forget What I Know
The best way of forgetting how you think you feel is to concentrate on what you know you know.
Mary Stewart
When I forget what I know, I give more chances, hope things will change, set us up for more hurts and disappointments.
I know the history.
I know the truth.
I get lazy and don’t want to have to maintain the boundaries on a daily basis.
I tend to act from feelings rather than what I know. The feelings tell me that we could have this fantasy life, where we all get along.
I know better.
21
Nov 10
Gaslighting
As I was sitting down to write a new post, I discovered this article by Lisa E. Scott on her site, vainencounters.com:
The “Crazy-Making” Behavior of a Narcissist.
I identified with everything in Lisa’s article. She also mentions the term, gaslight. I had to Google some more. I had heard the term, but never paid attention. I didn’t know it applied to me.
I found this article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.:
What is Gaslighting?
__________
I had today’s post composed in my head before I had discovered the gaslighting stuff. I even had the appropriate pictures selected. I was ready to hit publish. The post was about how I’m tempted to believe that Mark is changing. I was going to write that I’ve been thinking I really managed to get through to him. I was even wondering if Narcissists are capable of seeing who and what they are, and that their behaviors have a detrimental effect on their families.
You’d think I’d know better by now.
Last night he came over to discuss Christmas gift ideas with the kids.
He left and Jenny broke into tears.
I was present for all the conversations. I heard the veiled put downs, and the not-so-subtle dismissals of the dolls Jenny wants, and the ski pants Will wants. I heard his jovial-sounding sarcastic jabs. In his sing-song voice he said, “Well Honey Bear, I thought you wanted a baby doll carriage. You mean you still like Barbies, too? You still like babies and Barbies?”
“So Will, do you think these ski pants would be cool enough for you?”
These are pokes and prods. These are smarmy little attempts at sounding like an interested dad, but really they show how little he knows them, and how little he cares.
This morning’s discovery of gaslighting was another whisper from the Universe. This time she said, “Hon, don’t be fooled. Don’t believe, for one second, that a Narcissist is capable of changing. It will never be about the kids. It will always be about him. Check out this post on gaslighting. It applies to you, Sweetie, and your kids, too.”
At least she’s still whispering. I half expect her to come at me next time with a 2 x 4.
18
Nov 10
Mom, It’s Like This…
“You know when you’re standing in line at the grocery store and the customer in front of you is talking to the cashier? You know how the cashier sort of smiles, keeps working, and tries to answer the customer’s question, but really they just want to get through with that customer, and get on to the next, and be done working for the day?
You know how the cashier seems like she doesn’t really care about what the customer is talking about?
That’s what it’s like when I’m talking to dad.”
I’m contemplating treating myself to a day at the spa.
