gentle reminders « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: gentle reminders

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
21
Sep 15

Why You Need an HSP in Your Life

You probably have an HSP in your life. There are a lot of us out there.

If you’re reading this, you are most likely a Highly Sensitive Person.

Many, however, who are probably not HSP, read the title of this post, rolled their eyes and opted to read something else. They are tired of hearing about us. They can’t relate. They aren’t wired to relate. They’ve come to believe that HSPs are an inconvenience or that we are high-maintenance. We’re too sensitive, take everything personally, and get overwhelmed easily. They may not realize that they have HSPs in their lives who serve very important roles.

HSPs are the folks you turn to when you need real human contact. Continue reading →

Moving On / The Bartender — 2 Comments
27
Aug 15

On Going No Contact

“Hey, Hank! How’s it going? It’s weird to see you outside of the bar.”

“Hey, Matt. I haven’t seen you down there in awhile. Looks like you’re getting some new gear today? Have you been doing a lot more fishing this year?”

Matt held up a package of spinners and laughed, “Yeah. Funny thing is, I’ve been fishing a lot more since … well …. since I broke it off with Sarah.”

Hank reached for some leader, “Ouch. I hadn’t seen you two around, but I didn’t know. I thought you two were good together.”

Matt shook his head, “So did I.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
3
Jul 15

Under the Rug

She grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. Her mom grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. It was what they did. Their hurts, disappointments, frustrations and expectations all went under the rug.

In the beginning, only the big stuff made it under the rug – the aunt’s DUI, the brother’s marital transgressions, the grandfather’s financial mess. (There were some things under the rug that are too big to mention here – like the time her husband back-handed her.) But, as time went on, she found it easier to sweep even the little things under the rug. Disappointments fit under there nicely, thereby preventing an inevitable argument if she dared to mention those disappointments.

When the kids were younger, it wasn’t an issue. They didn’t notice her lifting the corner of the rug several times a week, and if they did, they thought it was normal. The difficulty came when the kids got old enough to notice. They couldn’t help but trip over the heap under the rug. They’d hear dad’s harsh words, see mom grab the broom, and they just knew she’d reach for the corner of the rug.

Recently she’d come home with a new, much larger rug to accommodate the pile. She moved the old rug to her daughter’s room. The colors in the rug worked well with the colors in her daughter’s duvet. That’s how she would justify the purchase of the larger rug.

She never took the time to explain to the kids why she hid things. Better to leave it alone than open up that can of worms and have to deal with all the issues heaped under the rug. The kids got to the point where they pretended not to notice. They’d look the other way when mom reached for the broom. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
15
Jun 15

Uncharted Territory

When Hank smiles, his eyes crease, filling the white crows feet created by off hours spent on the river in the sun. “Nice to see you, Janna. What’ll you have?”

“A gin and tonic would be great. Thanks. How are you? It looks like you’ve managed to find the sun when you aren’t tending bar.”

Hank laughed, “Yep. The weather has finally made up its mind. Now if I could get the fish to do the same. How are you?”

“I’m well. I think.”

“Uh oh. Sounds like there’s a story there.” Hank places a napkin in front of Janna, and tops it with her drink. “Hey, was it last month you were in here, all excited about a new man in your life? How’s that going?” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 1 Comment
28
May 15

When to Accommodate

“Margaret?”

“Yes, dear?”

Gladys smoothed the crease of her skirt. “Why are you always so accommodating?”

“Whatever do you mean, dear?”

“Well, you always put everyone else first. You always consider other needs before your own.” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 3 Comments
22
May 15

On Being Seen

I’ll bet you aren’t being seen. I’ll go so far as to say that you probably don’t even know that you aren’t being seen.

You probably haven’t been seen your whole life, so you think that’s normal.

Maybe you haven’t been seen because you are an INFJ. INFJs don’t want to be the center of attention. They’re fine coming off a bit mysterious. They don’t necessarily want to be seen by many, but some of us do crave being seen by a chosen few.

You see others, though. You see their preferences – their likes and dislikes. You may see an image on Pinterest and know exactly whose house it fits. When you scan a menu, you know, before your partner knows, what he’s going to order. When you give a gift, you almost always hear, “It’s perfect! You know me so well!” Walking through a bookstore, browsing titles, you know which subjects your roommate gravitates to. You remember how folks take their coffee. You know who prefers a movie at home over a crowded theater. You know who likes cab instead of chardonnay. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Random Observations — 9 Comments
13
May 15

How to Say “No”

“So why don’t you just say “no”?”

I put my cell back in my pocket and exhaled loudly as we continued our walk. “I dunno, Jen. My knee-jerk reaction is to always try to accommodate – if I can.”

“When they asked you, did you know right away what your answer was? Did you know right away that you wanted to say no?”

“Well, sure I knew I didn’t want to say yes – my stomach clenched. Yikes. That’s a pretty good indication that I want to say no. I don’t need more on my plate.”

She moved me closer to the sidewalk as a car approached – ever the protector, that one. “How come you don’t just say no right away?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
30
Apr 15

Narcissist for a Day

Today I’m going to be a narcissist. I’m going to put myself first.

I need to get something done – for me. In order to do that, I need to put all your stuff aside.

You know I love you. Right? And all day long, while I’m making myself a priority, I’ll still be loving you. But – just for today – I need to make some progress on my* list.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting — 11 Comments
4
Apr 15

On Dating With Kids

“Okay you guys. What do you think? Any red flags? Let me have it.” (I’m not sure I can trust myself to see things clearly.)

Kids are like pets. They know who to steer clear of and who to trust – instinctively. Come to think of it, adults probably have those same instincts, but they long ago stopped listening to them – or at least I did.

Will laughed and immediately said, “No! No red flags. You’re kidding, right? Why?” Jen smiled and shook her head.

“Come on Jen, are you holding back? You can tell me. It’s okay.”

“No, mom, really. I don’t see anything.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 8 Comments
11
Mar 15

When the Other Shoe Drops

Hank had finished polishing the bar when two women approached and perched on adjacent stools. He waited for a pause in their conversation before asking what they’d like. He heard the brunette say, “Well, you know that I’m always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. It’s the way I’ve always been.”

The blonde laughed. “I know, but you have had the shoe drop in pretty much every one of your relationships.”

The brunette said, “Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” She looked at Hank. “Hi, I’ll have the house cab. How are you?”

The blonde said, “I’ll have the same. Thanks.”

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 Comments
26
Feb 15

On Lost Souls

“Gladys, dear, I’m serving up some cherry pie. It’s still warm. Will you have a slice?”

“Margaret, it’s too early for pie. It isn’t even noon yet.”

Jon road up on his skateboard, “Since when do we have to worry about the time on this side? I’d love a slice of your pie, Margaret.” He leaned his board against a grave marker, “Actually, I think I’ll have pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That is if yer making it, Margaret.”

Margaret handed a slice of pie to Jon and giggled, “That’s the nice thing about this side. We’ll never run out of pie.” She scraped the server against the pie plate. “Gladys, if you don’t mind, dear, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question.”

Gladys sat down next to Margaret. “Go ahead. Ask away. Although I don’t know what I could possibly know that you don’t know.” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Jan 15

The Only Survival Skill an HSP Will Ever Need

Those dear souls flock to your door. They can’t help it. You draw them in with your counselor/helper/listener magnet. (Think moth to flame.) You’ve probably tried leaving the magnet on the dresser, or stashing it on the top shelf of the closet, thinking that if you hide the magnet, you won’t ooze that helper vibe. That helper vibe clings to you the way hurting souls cling to an HSP.

That’s our lot. We listen. We counsel. We comfort. We care. That’s who we are, even if/when we pretend we aren’t.

And so you open your door, pour the wine, stoke the fire and fluff the pillows. Their shoulders relax, the furrows in their brow release and the flood gates open. And you sip wine and listen. You refill their glass and listen some more. You offer them sustenance or a hug and most certainly a tissue. You do this automatically. You’ve done it all your life. You don’t have to remember how to be compassionate. You don’t have to refer to your cheat sheet on how to be kind and caring. This treatment defines your character and drives your actions. It flows from you the way their story flows through those flood gates.

When they leave – after they’ve purged and cleansed and lightened their load – you are left holding their big mess in your hands. But more times than not, you’re still holding another person’s mess in your hands. So you end up standing at the door, saying goodbye, juggling 2 or 10 or 100 different messes from souls who came to your door for comfort.

As you close the door, you wonder how you will clean up the wine glasses, re-stock the firewood, and go about your day while still holding the messes from all those hurting souls. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides — 6 Comments
7
Jan 15

On Looking Back

The pie server made a scraping sound in the hard-packed dirt as she finished carving the words – Stop Looking Back!

“Margaret! What on earth are you doing? You’ll ruin your pie server.” Gladys stood with her hands on her hips as she read the words. “Stop looking back? What’s that about?”

“Don’t interrupt me, dear. I’ve got work to do.”

“But you’ll scare the bejeesus out of them. What will they think when they see these cryptic words next to tombstones?”

“Well, they ought to have the bejeesus scared out of them. They’re all wasting too much time looking back.” Margaret stood up from a crouch and walked a ways to a new spot. She bent to scrape again. “See that one over there?” She pointed to a woman in a business suit. “She’s looking back over her career and wondering where she should have taken a different turn.” Margaret nods her head in a different direction, “That man is looking back at how he lost his family because of his focus on his business. And the gal in the dark glasses keeps looking back at what she used to look like, making comparisons to her current self. What a waste of time!” Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations / The Bartender — 6 Comments
9
Dec 14

House with a View

“I want a house with a view.”

“Yeah, a view is a great thing.” The bartender dried a rocks glass and placed it on the shelf. “Tell me, how does a house with a view improve your life?”

“I dunno about other folks, but I’ve got a friend who has a nice place on a hill, and every time I go there, I’m energized.”

“What energizes you? The view? The height above everyone else? The size of the place or his giant TV?”

He picks up the beer bottle in front of him and sets it back down before taking a drink, “I’m not sure. It’s not a fancy place. Sure the view is amazing, but it’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it.” Continue reading →