Posts Tagged: in search of self

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
15
May 12

My Conversation With Audrey Hepburn

I steeled myself enough to peek over the edge of the covers.  Audrey was staring back at me.

“This is kind of late for you, isn’t it Dear?  Shouldn’t you be well into the morning’s chapter of reading by now?”

“I know, Audrey.  I know.  This is late.  I’m hiding.  I’m playing the role of the ostrich today.”

“I see.  So because you received a call with some unsettling news on Saturday, and slumped around in a funk all day Sunday, you think what you really need to do today is sleep in and avoid the rest of the world?”

“Well… yes.  I am going to fold my tent.  I will fold it neatly and tuck it away.  I’ll spend the day in bed with the covers pulled over my head and wait for everything to blow away in the wind.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
10
May 12

Comfortable as an Old Pair of Jeans

She walks in the door after a day of meetings, appointments, disappointments and challenges.  Before she pours a glass of red, she puts on her favorite pair of jeans – the ones with the threadbare knees.  The cotton has softened with many washings, and now the fabric covering her thighs resembles suede more than denim.

She sits on the couch with her legs curled under her.  With each sip of wine, she mulls over the day.  As she reviews the interactions she can’t help but think of how she felt during each exchange.

__________

The meeting with her supervisor left her feeling stiff and tense  – the same way she feels when dressed for work in a crisply ironed blouse and business suit.  There never seems to be room enough to stretch her arms or take a deep breath.  A day spent in that suit is a day spent as someone else.

The lunch with her sister was every bit as uncomfortable as the expensive wool sweater her sister had given her last Christmas.  The style didn’t fit her.  The colors didn’t match anything in her closet.   On the rare occasion that she wore the itchy cardigan, she was reminded of how disconnected she and her sister had always been.  The scratchy texture of the wool equaled her sister’s insensitivity. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 15 Comments
4
May 12

On Enjoying the Ride

Imagine how sweet this journey would be if we quit second-guessing every one of our decisions.  What if we reveled in the things that went well for longer than we stewed over the things that went wrong.

We’d more easily live in the moment, if we quit beating ourselves up over how we mishandled the last moment.

 

Potholes Along the Way

Festering, lingering, dwelling on the difficult does not help us learn the lesson better; it keeps us in a holding pattern and prevents the arrival of new lessons. Continue reading →

Control / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Apr 12

So You Say…

So you say… that you wish you could find extra hours in the day to maybe carve out a compost pile in the backyard, learn to play the fiddle or compile all those photos into scrapbooks; yet you never miss an episode of your favorite TV show.

So you say… you’d like to do a better job of keeping in touch with friends, but there’s never enough time after work, homework, laundry and dinner, especially with the time you spend on Facebook every night.

So you say… you could cut back on hours at work, if only you could get your budget under control, while spending every Saturday at the mall looking for something to fill the void.

So you say… you’ll be able to slow the family pace a bit, right after the next session of swim lessons.  Oh, but there’s another season of soccer coming up and junior has to take soccer with all his buddies.

So you say… you’re going to take this minimalist lifestyle thing seriously, once you buy the shelving to organize all the stuff in storage. Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 11 Comments
13
Apr 12

Time Out

self-care at its finestThe rainy grey skies gave her permission to sink into the couch.

Leaks were collecting in metal bowls that ran the length of the soggy carpet.  She had lined the bowls with paper towels to mute the ping ping as the drips accelerated.

The ping pings soon turned to sploosh splooshes.

The kids would be gone for four hours.

The basket next to the fire was stocked with wood. The fire peaked at her through the glass, giving her its permission. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
10
Apr 12

When Enough Is Enough

She could remember when seeing his name in her Inbox made her heart race with excitement.  Now seeing his name in her Inbox made her palms sweat.  She let the cursor hover over his name.  She didn’t want to click to open his email.

She’d have to decide what to write back.

Did she even want to write back?

Being nice was her thing.  She’d been supportive.  She’d been there.  She’d listened and responded.

Was there anything positive coming out of this relationship?  If this was positive, why did it feel bad?

Were there healthier places to invest this energy?

Was she opening and answering emails because she was afraid there wouldn’t be another to come along.

She closed her laptop and stared out the window at the park.

__________

Her daughter came up and said, “Mom…  are you interruptible?  Can I ask you something?”

She looked into her daughter’s blue eyes and found the answer she’d been looking for:

Would she – one day – want her kids to
pin their hopes on this kind of relationship?

 

She opened her laptop and deleted his email before opening it.

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Tools — 16 Comments
5
Apr 12

Perspective

Cabernet and Cheaters are my middle age toolsMy breathing is loud.  I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.  I can’t remember if this is the sixth or seventh lap.

Does it even matter how many times I climb this hill, just as long as I get out here and move?

I get to the top and survey the river.  Through the pounding I hear my thoughts:

  • You are reaching for the cheaters more than you used to.
  • Maybe it’s age that keeps you from remembering how many times you’ve walked up the hill.
  • Remember when your ass was below your waist and not behind your knees?
  • You ought to have given more thought to what it would be like to physically keep up with two young kids at the age of 50.
  • When did you get to the age where  Mom Jeans are comfortable?
  • Isn’t it time to  consider coloring your hair?

I head down the hill and wonder if this upcoming birthday could quietly sneak away in the night without anyone in my family doing anything about it.  Through huffs and puffs, I laugh at myself because I know it’s not so much about the day, as it is about my perceptions of what it’s like to be turning 50. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
16
Mar 12

That’s Not My Journey

We may walk hand in hand for a time, or we may know each other only briefly.

We’ll share many of the same turns and detours.

We’ll marvel at the beauty found in the connection we share.

I may pull your rolling red Samsonite for a stretch, and you might offer to carry my fraying black backpack.

I will empathize and address your concerns with compassion.  I will hand you tissues when you cry and pour the wine while you laugh so hard you can’t hold your glass.

I will listen while you detail the reasons for your choices.  We’ll both smile and nod when we realize we’ve made similar mistakes.

We’ll learn lessons from each other that we wouldn’t be able to learn from another.

I’ll be the first to pat you on the back.  Though I instinctively brush off your kind words, I’ll try to remember to be gracious.

Neither of us may know where we are going, but I will not follow you.

That’s not my journey.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 34 Comments
9
Mar 12

Things That Can Be Fixed

Jenny fixes a too gaudy Barbie dress by altering it.  She cuts off the flouncy sleeves and shortens the train.  She might use tape or thread or buttons, but she knows she can fix it.  She’ll even fix Barbie’s hair with snips here and there.

When the wheels don’t spin fast enough on his skateboard, Will can fix that problem by cleaning the bearings.

I can fix a too-thin sauce in a batch of  Chicken and Broccoli Fettuccine by letting the sauce soak into the pasta a bit before serving.

I fix the toilet when it makes that whistling sound.  Will fixes the squeaky hinge on the art supply cupboard.  Jen fixes a meal of flowers and herbs for her imaginary pony.

Fixing is what we do.  Fixing is in our blood. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 18 Comments
6
Mar 12

Listening To My Body*

I walked out of the doctor’s office and ran across the street to the drug store where everyone knew me by name.  I was out of Pepcid.  I had a box in the bathroom, two in the kitchen cupboard, one in the office desk, and one under the car seat, but the box in my purse was empty.

I had made an appointment hoping to discover a name for this thing that caused me to go through antacids the way a nervous first-year college student goes through cigarettes.

The doctor ruled out pregnancy, gall bladder, and Crohn’s.

Last month, I’d asked my OB-Gyn if it was typical to require a prescription in order to stay married.  She said, “Jesse, I think you know the answer.”

Today, in the doctor’s sterile office with the posters advertising the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, I asked, “What now?  Do I live on Pepcid for the rest of my life? Is this normal?” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
29
Feb 12

Asking vs. Imposing

I could have backpacked in Europe for three weeks after I graduated from college.

I didn’t.

My brother did.

My brother backpacked and made memories.  He ended one phase of his life with a grand adventure.

He asked mom if he could borrow the money to make the trip.   She said, “Of course you can!”

I didn’t.

Oh, I could have… but I thought asking would be an imposition.

Now I know that asking isn’t an imposition when you ask those who care about you.

__________

 

I wrote a post for the Stratejoy Essay Contest.

I’m asking for your vote.

If you have the time and the inclination, Jen, Will and I would greatly appreciate your vote.

Love,

Jesse

 

 Click here to place your vote.

Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 20 Comments
24
Feb 12

On White Knuckles and Comfort Levels

white knuckle drivingA semi hauling gasoline was in front, another semi was behind, and we were crawling along a snow-packed two-lane road under heavy cloud cover and falling snow.

My hands were at 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock on the steering wheel.  The tunes weren’t blaring like they are when the roads are dry.

“Will, honey, I can’t talk right now.  I need to concentrate on these roads.”

The snow kept falling.

The skies stayed gray. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 15 Comments
21
Feb 12

On Determination and the Power in Words

which ones words hold power?Sitting on the cold pew, with the stiff lace collar scratching the tender skin of her neck, she glanced sideways to see them reading those black books.  She assumed there must be power in the words since they gathered together every Sunday to read from the same book.

She doubted how much power could be in those tiny black letters on the filmy pages since there were hardly any pictures mixed in.

It was when they stood to sing that she felt a surge of energy.  The people seemed lighter when they were singing – less dreary.  Were the words in the songs more powerful, or did the music imbue the words with magic?

__________

When she learned to read, she discovered the magic found in words and books.  She claimed a favorite corner in the school library – the only one with a window.  She’d sit in the quiet with a stack of books and inhale the scent of library dust, which smelled nothing like ordinary house dust which she’d scattered to new corners with a Pledge-soaked cloth. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 23 Comments
17
Feb 12

Life in the Village Where Relationships Come First

the village where relationships come firstOnce upon a time there was a contented village where everyone worked together to pursue their goals, realize their dreams, raise their children and make the world’s best ice cream.

There was one governing rule in the village:

Relationships must come first.

Relationships with partners, spouses, kids, parents, friends, grandparents, dogs, cats, gardens, trees, birds, butterflies, dandelions and all other living things must come first.

When a villager reached an age where self-awareness could benefit her rather than taint her (think narcissism) the relationship with her own self would become a priority as well. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
12
Feb 12

Be Mine

Dear Valentine,

I’ve been waiting for you.

I knew you’d come around.

I knew you’d get to a point where you’d finally see your own beauty.  I knew that chip on your shoulder would heal and the anger would dissipate.

There is so much of you to love.

Your tender, compassionate heart never lets you give up.  Your enthusiasm and belief that goodness will prevail is a contagious quality.  The wisdom acquired from making mistakes and the lessons learned gives you a depth of character that is your most attractive quality.

You are graceful but still able to be silly; patient as well as spontaneous; and ready to laugh at yourself because you stopped taking yourself seriously.

You know you still have a lot to learn, and you aren’t afraid to change course in order to learn more.

Your actions back up your words.  You’ve stated your priorities and you invest your time and energies in those priorities.  You are an inspiration because of the choices you’ve made.

You are beautiful when you run around in your leopard print bathrobe and fuzzy red socks in the morning, before a shower, sipping cold coffee because you are busy with kids, feeding the cat, answering emails, stoking the fire, figuring out what to make for dinner, and swapping loads between washer and dryer.

You are beautiful when, with a kind voice, you announce that you need a break, and escape to the couch with a book and a steaming cup of Earl Grey.

You are beautiful flying down a ski hill, laughing at your own failed attempts at trying to catch your kids.

You are beautiful when you give what you can, but hold back before reaching the point of having nothing left to give.

You are beautiful when you cry during mushy movies, at the end of a great book, or when you look on your kids’ artwork.

You are beautiful when you let your kids follow their passions, even if it means you have sprouting potatoes in glasses of water in the window sill, ski wax all over the garage floor, and paint brushes in every corner of the kitchen.

You are beautiful when you try and fail and own your mistakes with grace and humor.

You are most beautiful when you keep trying without letting resentment cloud your heart or disappointment keep your spirit hidden.

I love that even on a crappy day, you are capable of finding beauty in stormy skies, piles of clean folded laundry, and a dinner that manages to please three different appetites.

I love the person you are now,  but I also love knowing that you haven’t arrived yet.  I can’t wait to see who you become.

I love that you’ve chosen to be kind to yourself.  I love that you know what you are worth and what you deserve.

Anyone would be fortunate to call you Valentine.

Won’t you be mine?

 

 

 

 

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