Posts Tagged: in search of self

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
2
Aug 11

I’m Scared

Last night I was re-reading the book I’ve been working on.  I’ve been excited to put this project together for you.

As I was reading, those crappy voices assaulted me – the ones that say, “Who the hell gives a shit about Jesse Blayne’s messed up choices?  Who wants to spend two more minutes of their time reading about this woman?  What difference does it make?”

So at 10:30 last night, I fired off an email to my aunt.  She has read the book and offered some invaluable comments and suggestions.  She is smart and wise and good.  She’ll set me straight.

I asked her, “Is this book just a bunch of narcissistic B.S.?  Is it going to help anyone?”

I went to bed prepared to rewrite the whole book.

__________

This morning I realized I’m doing it again – I’m worrying about what everyone else will think.  My default position is to always head in the direction that others think is best.

The others might be my family, or the blogging experts, or the SEO gurus or the ebook generators or the bean counters or whoever else plants seeds of doubt in my already crowded, full-of-doubt brain.

So I did what I always do when I feel the need to take a flyswatter to all those doubts buzzing around in my head.

I started thinking about you.

I started thinking about what you are scared of.

I started thinking about the doubts buzzing around in your head.

You are the person I’ve been writing this book for.

Not the SEO gurus, the ebook generator people, or my mom or Kevlar Man or even my aunt, much as I love her.

__________

I’ve been scared before.

I’ll be scared again.

I’m not changing anything – except for some typos and the whole it’s/its thing – if I catch ’em all.

 

*Just as I was about to hit publish, I got a response from my aunt.  The gist was this:  “Don’t change a thing!  Go Girl!”


Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

letting-the-moss-growShe never could get up on water skis.  Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her.  She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake.  He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water.  She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski.  Everybody else said they loved water skiing.  She should probably love water skiing, too.  That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 58 Comments
21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

protectionI wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did.  I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages.  I almost got there.  In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading.  I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end.  Keep reading.”  But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me.  I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend.  She’d also loaned me the second in the series.  “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it.  It hurts to read it.”  She knows me.  She just smiled.  I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?”  She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“.   Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie.  I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched.  It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful.  I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — 2 Comments
15
Jul 11

Everyone Is Just Waiting

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.
Dr. Seuss

 

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 18 Comments
13
Jul 11

Waiting

waiting-on-the-moonWhen her babies were small, she had an urge to knit tiny striped mittens with pink and green and purple fuzzy yarns.  Now her kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing handmade mittens.  Friends were having babies who needed their precious hands protected from the harsh winter winds.  She could make mittens for those babies.

She was waiting for her mom to teach her to knit.

He often found himself at a friend’s house on Saturday afternoons, and after swilling a couple beers, someone would suggest playing a pickup game of basketball.  He’d laugh and say, “I’ll sit this one out.  I’m lousy at basketball.”

He was waiting for his dad to teach him how to play basketball.

He’d read all he could find on SEO, blog traffic, building customer loyalty and what the experts had to say about making money on the internet.  He’d finished his most recent course, made some progress and signed up for the next impressive looking webinar that would surely push his project over the edge.  He lacked the confidence to believe that he had the skills and knowledge that would make his project a success. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 64 Comments
26
Jun 11

The Last Straw – An Excerpt from Seeing My Path

the-last-straw…  I reflect on the events that happened right before I decided to leave my marriage. Obviously, as in any marriage that is on the verge of crumbling, there were many issues. Everyone has their own last straw. Mine will not be yours. Your last straw will look completely different from another person’s last straw.

In fact, I’m convinced that we don’t know when that last straw is approaching. We get so busy putting up and shutting up, that we don’t see that the scale has been tipped.

The scale was off balance long ago and we are so busy keeping the peace, scrubbing the floors, making the apologies and hiding the toys, that we don’t notice that nothing more can be added to the scale.

That’s why the last straw is often infinitesimally small. The last straw could be a sideways glance, a pair of dirty socks left on the bedroom floor, or an off-handed comment about the way the chicken was prepared for last night’s dinner.

I didn’t see my last straw coming.

To this day, I marvel at the smallness of the infraction.

But, take many small infractions over years of disappointment and resentment and failed expectations and bars raised too high, and suddenly I met my last straw.

We were sitting at the dinner table with Will and Jenny and my husband’s older kids from his previous marriage. Over messy burgers, fruit salad, Domestic Beers and spilled Kool-Aid we had the disjointed kind of conversation that families have – the kind where you laugh and try to interject something and miss the beat and it just doesn’t matter because after dinner you’ll go outside and eat popsicles and play Bocce Ball.

Somewhere during that conversation, the patriarch – the man of the house, the provider, the role model, the man whose job it is to make us feel loved and welcomed and safe – got up from the table,  mid-bite, and walked upstairs.

(He later told me he was tired of the conversation. He was sick of the boring exchange. We simply no longer interested him.)

His oldest son glanced at me with a look that said, “What did I say that he didn’t like?”  Later, when we cleaned the kitchen together, the oldest told me his father often did that  – left the dinner table – when he and his brother lived with Mark.  I thought he only did that with his new family.

I came up with a feeble excuse about how dad is tired from work, or dad isn’t feeling well.

But that night, his getting up and leaving his family sitting at the table, still eating  their dinners, was my last straw.

After years of seeing the lack of spirit, the inability to make a decision, and the fear of disappointing their father – in these two older children – I realized that by staying in this marriage, I would be letting history repeat itself.

I couldn’t save his oldest kids.

I could try to save mine.

 

Seeing My Path is an ebook that tells the ongoing conversation I’ve been having with myself, and the questions I ask.  It’s a look at how I ended up marrying a narcissist, how I got out of the marriage, and what I’m doing to try to get back on my own path.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
23
Jun 11

On Reframing

When he told her he liked her hair longer and that her face looked too full with a shorter cut, she got up the courage to tell him that his comment had hurt her feelings.

He reframed the incident by gently reminding her that she was far to0 sensitive and that he was just trying to help.

 

When he got home from work and commented that she must have had one crazy day since she hadn’t found time to clean the floors, she tried to defend herself.   She explained that she’d been folding clothes, changing diapers, feeding children and preparing dinner and that she hadn’t found the time to get to the floors.

He reframed the conversation and pointed out that dinner would be more enjoyable if the floors were clean. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 44 Comments
20
Jun 11

The Dresses

I found it at a thrift store in Bozeman in 1987.  The silk label reads, “Mardi Gras – New York,” in a fancy script beside an image of a black mardi gras mask.  The fabric is a brocade of black and midnight blue. brocade The cut is classic feminine, putting curves where I don’t have them.

I bought it to wear to a costume party.  The party was a spoof of a 1965 high school prom.

I wore black pumps, cat-eye glasses, and carried a black and white box purse.  I curled, sprayed and teased my normally undone brown hair.  After a couple glasses of wine, we decided we couldn’t add anything more to our costumes.  On the way out the door, I took a look in the mirror and gasped.  I looked like a taller, less refined version of Jacqueline Onassis.

I did not look like me.

My wardrobe at the time (it’s actually not much different now) consisted of flannel shirts, Levis and t-shirts.  Most of the folks at the dance didn’t recognize me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 8 Comments
30
Oct 10

I Am A Minimalist Parent

At this moment, Jenny is entranced by the Tim Burton version of Alice In Wonderland. Will finished making a batch of pancakes and is downloading skateboarding videos.  Later, they’ll make a birthday card for their cousin, ride their bikes on this glorious Fall day, and go to a bowling birthday party.

I’m not rushing around taking them to soccer practice, a Boy Scout meeting, a dance recital or karate lessons.

I take a minimalist’s approach to parenting by not jamming their schedules with lessons and practices.

I take issue with kids having schedules.

I could over-schedule them and decide what they should pursue to try to pave the way for an enriched future full of interests. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 26 Comments
6
Jun 10

When To Break From the Herd

Barbie at school I do  follow the rules in unfamiliar situations.  I read the signs, ask for directions, follow the guidelines and survey the expert opinions.  But once I’m in my comfort zone, I start to look at things differently.   I start to ask, “Why?”  I’m not trying to be belligerent.  I’m trying to understand if the reason something “has always been done that way” is really the right reason for doing it that way.

I ask a lot of questions.

Public school is the way that educating has always been done.  Is that the right way for the three of us?

I have a lot of questions.

The decision of home school versus public school is weighing heavily.  Actually, it wouldn’t weigh anything if my natural inclination was to follow the herd.  I wonder if the herd has all the answers.  Just because public school has always been the commonly accepted way to teach, can’t there be other good options for kids and moms on the fringe of the herd? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
26
May 10

Free To Be Beautiful

blossomsI can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty.  I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies.  I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.

I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity.   Along the way, I received  messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.

In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts.  The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.

I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity.  I tried to hide those feelings.

If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Mar 10

The Guy With The Alex de Grassi Album

I’m tired of reading about how women don’t like the nice guys.  I know they are out there.  I’d like to like one, I just don’t know how to act around a nice guy.

My imprinting didn’t include any instructions on what to do when a guy is nice.

I was telling someone the other day that I do real well opening up if I’m not worried about whether I’m liked or not.  But if I’m in a relationship, and I’m asked personal stuff, I hesitate to reveal much because he might hear something he doesn’t like.  And then where would that leave me?  There’s too much at stake.

I didn’t say that any of this would make sense.

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — Comments Off on Filling The Hole
28
Oct 09

Filling The Hole

I can’t sleep — again.  Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better.  Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to.  I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life.  A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing.  It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory –  it’s not an original theory.  It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul.  Some call the hole a void or an injury.  I don’t like “injury”.  It’s too dramatic.  “Injury” leads to the word “victim”.  I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim.  It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off on Individual Moments of Peace
4
Sep 09

Individual Moments of Peace

happy frogThis evening I sat for a spell on my front porch.  We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous.  I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails.  I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.

I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.

Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.

Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.

The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed.  Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married.  Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service.  We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom  for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little  sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure.  I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting.  We were sitting around the table talking about books.  She asked what I’d been reading.  When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.”  Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed.  It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed.  I threw my book at it.  That didn’t work.  I grabbed the broom to try and get at it.  Nothing. Continue reading →

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