infj « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: infj

Self-Awareness Isn’t About You

“Hey, what are you doing on this side of the bar?”

“I just finished my shift.” The bartender closed his composition notebook and reached for his glass. “How are you?”

She sits on the next stool, “I’m well. I’ve got about an hour before picking up the kids.” She smiled across the bar to the next shift’s bartender, “I’ll have a coke, please.” After finding her wallet she said, “So, Hank, what are you writing?”

Hank hesitated, “I’m working on a paper about self-awareness.” He slid the notebook to the side. “There’s a fine line between self-awareness and self-absorption. I want to illustrate that self-awareness – contrary to what most folks think – isn’t really about you. Maybe I should say that it shouldn’t be about you.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 8 Comments
11
Jul 14

On What’s Missing

A typical day finds me juggling agendas:

Will’s involving all things golf with segues into fly fishing or spincasting or minnow catching (aren’t they all the same thing?) and begrudgingly mowing a few lawns to keep him in golf balls. (Did I mention I’m glad we’re done with fireworks season?)

Jen’s involving ways to gut a stuffed animal, fill it with tubing so as to mimic the digestive process of a ‘real’ dog (without the mess), trips to the craft store and coconut oil treatments on blisters created by spins on the horizontal bar that now graces the back yard.

Mine involves tending a belligerent garden, stopping up water leaks, pretending to write on a third book, finding new things to grill on the Weber and repeatedly washing the same three golf shirts.

Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 8 Comments
5
Jun 14

Coming to Terms with INFJ

“I’ve been doing this a few years. I think you’re the first INFJ result I’ve seen. Of course, most INFJs don’t take Business Management. Why are you in this curriculum?”

“Those career tests from high school indicated my aptitude was in clerical and organization, so I figured this was the curriculum for me.”

“Have you ever considered psychology or sociology or a degree in the creative arts?”

“They say there isn’t any money in that.”

“That may be true, but will you be happy with a degree in Business Management?” Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
May 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 8

She hadn’t heard the ticking of a biological clock. She didn’t have one.

She rarely babysat as a kid. She never craved holding a newborn. She didn’t know what to do around kids. When she married at 33, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be starting a family. That was fine with her.* He had adult children from a previous marriage, so he wasn’t pushing to start a second family. She has no recollection of discussing babies with him. Perhaps they both assumed that wasn’t on the table.

__________

As she looks back, she wonders if – in lieu of a ticking biological clock – what she heard were faint echos coming from a deep cavern. “Helloooo up there. Is this all there is? Is this the amount of love you might ever expect to receive?” And quieter still, the softest whisper that said, “Can you expect to survive on so little human contact or connection?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Mar 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 7

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She’d grown accustomed to being invisible. Invisibility was normal. She learned that in childhood. In her marriage, she was invisible to her partner, so she thought that was normal, too.

The INFJ

Most INFJs enjoy being invisible. INFJs are comfortable staying in the background. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Recipes — 17 Comments
7
Feb 14

A Happy Accident

I love a happy accident.

It’s fun finding a $20 bill in my ski pants.

Not long ago, I learned that a favorite cousin is also an INFJ. It’s no wonder we click so well.

I happened upon an article about the many uses of Vicks VapoRub and came up with my own use – no more cracked, sandpaper heels.

The other day, Jen and I were fondling the fabrics at Jo-Ann’s. A friend from college walked by hunting for something. She looked up and said, “Hey, I’m back in town. Let’s get together.” Now that’s a happy accident – either that or it’s the Universe answering me when I complained about a girlfriend moving and asked, “Could you please send another friend?” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
17
Jan 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 6

She doesn’t know how it feels to marry the right person. She does know how it feels to want to vomit right after saying the words, “I do.”

She knows how it feels to keep herself busy so as not to have time to wrap her brain around the idea that she’d made a mistake – maybe the biggest mistake ever.

She knows how it is to feel claustrophobic sitting in the car next to her husband as they drove to the west coast to hike on their honeymoon. As each mile brought them closer to the Olympic Peninsula, her palms felt clammier. She desperately needed to stop the car. She couldn’t breathe sitting next to him. Was this what it was like to have a panic attack? Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
20
Dec 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 5

Often, it isn’t until after you do something that you realize how much you shouldn’t have done that thing. So it was with marrying the narcissist.

In the flurry of preparations the morning of the ceremony, she was approached by well-wishers. The look in their eyes should have told her something. As over-thinking INFJs do, she assumed she needed to do more to make her guests comfortable. Now, as she thinks back on the general mood of the attendees, she realizes those looks showed concern – concern masked by forced smiles.

What should the energy be on that big day? Isn’t it more about the marriage than the wedding? Don’t two people grow together during the marriage? Jitters and cold feet are present at every wedding, aren’t they? The wedding was a formality. The marriage was the true test of their rightness for each other.

Right? Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations — 8 Comments
2
Dec 13

The Care and Feeding of Your INFJ During the Holidays

Aren’t you lucky? You have an INFJ in your life. That means that while you’ll never completely understand what makes her tick, you’ll never be bored, and you’ll always know that she highly values the relationship she has with you.

Let’s try to make the holidays easier for you and for her.

Parties

This one is easy – invite her to parties. Your invitation might sound like this, “Hey, I’ve got this party thing and I’d love for you to go, but I know you’d rather die, so I’m inviting you with the understanding that you like the invite, but you have no intention of going, and I’m cool with that.” Continue reading →

Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
25
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 4

The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.

He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.

Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.

Continue reading →

Control / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →