Posts Tagged: life

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
11
Jul 11

It’s Good To Have Friends

good-friendOn my third hike up the hill I was breathing hard, wiping the back of my neck and wondering why I wasn’t sitting on the front step with a cup of coffee.

Then she darted out from the tall yellow wildflowers.  Startled, I said, “What are you doing here?  Are you walking the hill with me?”  She meowed and took the lead – for a bit.

She didn’t block my route, and I didn’t block hers.  When the path was wide enough, we walked side-by-side.

We I chatted and talked of the flowers and the wide river and the scent of sage in the air.  I told her it was nice to see her and that her presence made my walking more enjoyable and less of a chore.

Then she let me take the lead.  We walked over the short flowers and around the tall ones, and when we got to the top she stopped and meowed. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes / Tools — 19 Comments
1
Jul 11

On Nice Boogie Monsters and Aromatherapy

nice-boogie-monstersJenny made these guys with scraps of fabric, old buttons and polyfill.  She stitches little grins on their faces.  Some have one eye, others have two.  When I asked Jenny what she calls them, she said, “They are Nice Boogie Monsters.”

She made one for me, one for Will and one for our cat, plus some extras, just in case.

They live in a ceramic bowl in the center of the purple dining room table.  The wait patiently, some times all day, for one of us to walk by and stop to pick one up and squeeze it.  I can’t seem to walk by that bowl without smiling.

__________

I know absolutely nothing about aromatherapy, but I do know the sense of smell is a powerful one.  I could Google which scents are recommended for altering which moods and find the perfect combination of essential oils to elevate sad moods, and bring relaxation or a sense of calm into our home. Instead, I looked at the ingredients and combinations and just picked based on what I thought sounded good. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 44 Comments
20
Jun 11

The Dresses

I found it at a thrift store in Bozeman in 1987.  The silk label reads, “Mardi Gras – New York,” in a fancy script beside an image of a black mardi gras mask.  The fabric is a brocade of black and midnight blue. brocade The cut is classic feminine, putting curves where I don’t have them.

I bought it to wear to a costume party.  The party was a spoof of a 1965 high school prom.

I wore black pumps, cat-eye glasses, and carried a black and white box purse.  I curled, sprayed and teased my normally undone brown hair.  After a couple glasses of wine, we decided we couldn’t add anything more to our costumes.  On the way out the door, I took a look in the mirror and gasped.  I looked like a taller, less refined version of Jacqueline Onassis.

I did not look like me.

My wardrobe at the time (it’s actually not much different now) consisted of flannel shirts, Levis and t-shirts.  Most of the folks at the dance didn’t recognize me. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 4 Comments
11
Jun 11

Nothing Says Love Like a Bowl of Rice Krispies

rice-creepiesLove isn’t grand gestures, flowery platitudes, or mountains of toys.  Love doesn’t require self-sacrifice on the part of the giver.  Love doesn’t demand service from the recipient.

Love is an accumulation of many little acts.

  • A warm lap to land on at the end of a crazy day.
  • A look in the eyes that tells them, “I know you.  I understand why you feel this way.  I will listen.”
  • A warm “chocolate milky” every morning, and the ability to ask for a little more chocolate without making mom mad.
  • Watching the 9,000th kick flip and yelling encouragement.
  • A safe big bed when the shadows on the wall look like ghosts.
  • Knowing that she likes less peanut butter and more jam.
  • Knowing that he dips absolutely everything in barbecue sauce.
  • A readiness to answer questions, no matter the time or the lack of answers.
  • Catching his eye at the skate park and mouthing the words, “Olive Juice.”
  • Knowing that each of them has different signs that indicate that they are hungry or stressed or tired or over-the-moon happy.
  • Allowing them to be who they are without judgments or expectations.
  • A note on her pillow saying she’s the most talented girl I know.
  • Pouring a bowl of cereal every morning, and tucking them in every night.
Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 12 Comments
7
Jun 11

What To Do With A Crate of Lemons

Sunday evening someone left a big wooden crate of lemons on my front step.  There were lemons spilling out of the crate and rolling down the steps into my front yard.

Lemons were everywhere.

Oh, what to do with all those lemons.

While I could have decided not to bring the lemons inside, that thought never occurred to me.  I picked up the lemons that had rolled down the stairs and brought them into the house.  I went back out to get the crate.  I placed them all on the kitchen table.

Jenny’s best friend was spending the night, so Jenny was happily oblivious, and didn’t even notice the lemons.  Will helped me pick up lemons, all the while asking questions. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 19 Comments
4
Jun 11

The Commencement Address I Wish I’d Heard

Congratulations!  You did it!

Pat yourself on the back.  While that might be the only pat you get, it’s the only one that matters.

You’ve proven that you can sit still, be quiet, stand in line and follow rules.  Those skills will come in handy.

Now it’s time to create your future.

You don’t have to know what that is today.  In fact, you don’t have to have a plan.  You don’t have to pursue a title or a label or lots of dollars.  You do, however, owe it to yourself to find something you love doing.

How do you know what that is, you ask? Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes — 14 Comments
29
May 11

Asparagus and Cappuccino

He fed her the most tender, slightly salted sprigs of asparagus.  Each bite tasted like Spring.

He’d shown her how to snap the ends, rather than using a knife.  He left the thin shoots in the pan of boiling water just long enough to turn bright green.  He drained them and ran cold water over them and placed them on a towel to dry.  He said that when they were cooked and chilled, just so, they wouldn’t need butter.

He was right.

He’d also introduced her to the ritualistic steps of making a good cappuccino without the hissing and drips and mess of some new-fangled machine.  He slowly warmed whole milk in a saucepan.  As the milk warmed he made strong coffee in a French Press.  He put a teaspoon-full of sugar in the bottom of a sturdy mug.  Just before he poured the dark coffee and hot milk together into the mug, he whisked the steaming milk to a froth.

They sat across from each other, at the tiny two-person kitchen table next to the window, in the cramped little apartment he shared with a roommate, who was – conveniently – never there.

He never made her feel like she was uncultured or inexperienced. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 24 Comments
16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dudeThe front door flew open.  I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch.  “Mom!  You got the house phone, right?  Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will.  You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails.  He must be busy.  He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill.  It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going.  In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work.  Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for?  Why did I invite dad?  I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

 

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed.  Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 29 Comments
13
May 11

On Antiperspirant and Aha Moments

dandelionsShe’d just walked in the back door from checking on the neighbor’s dog.  Time to start baking treats for the church banquet and making calls to beg for donations for the school fundraiser,  in between loads of laundry.  She had the T.V. on for background noise, even though she didn’t have time to watch anything.

Her Aha Moment was delivered by the Power of Oprah, as so many Aha Moments are, these days.

She paused long enough to lean against the kitchen counter, a spatula in one hand, cell phone in the other.  She ignored the sound of the dryer buzzer while she let Oprah’s message sink in.

She would be turning 50 soon, and she finally realized that she’d spent her entire life in a flurry of activity trying to please, make nice, and earn love, all because she never really felt love coming from her mom.

After taking the clothes out of the drying, and de-panning the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, she sent me an email. Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
10
May 11

On Creativity

I can’t wait for her to be done so she can move the lamp that’s just above my face, and upright my chair.  After more sloshing, whirring and sucking sounds, she finishes.  She asks a couple questions about Jen and Will and homeschooling.  She tells me about her son’s recent fall and how quickly the break healed.

She moves the lamp and returns my chair to the upright position and steps out to answer the phone.

I’ve been going to the same dentist for almost 20 years.  Some visits I’m placed in a chair where I can’t see the quote.  The framed quote has been on the window wall since I’ve been going to his office.  I can’t remember when I didn’t want a copy.  The quote is printed on yellowing parchment.  The frame is heavy, brown painted wood.

Last week I finally wrote it down…

 

On Creativity

The man who follows the crowd, will usually get no further than the crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt.  And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time is that when people finally realize you were right, they’ll say it was obvious all along.
You have two choices in life:  You can dissolve into the mainstream, or you can be distinct.  To be distinct, you must be different.  To be different, you must strive to be what no one else but you can be.
— Alan Ashley-Pitt
Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations — 10 Comments
6
May 11

The Deer or the Tick

She dipped another bite of chicken in ketchup, and stared out the window.

I could see she was contemplating something, but I asked, “Are you going to take that bite?”

She put the fork down and got off her stool.  Then, in uncharacteristic fashion, she picked up the stool and slammed it on the floor five times.  She sat back down and said, “There!”

I looked at Will to gauge his reaction.  This wasn’t like Jenny at all.

“Um, Jen…  what was that about?”

“I’m just frustrated with dad.  I’m tired of crying.  Eight year old girls shouldn’t pout, it’s embarrassing, so I figured I’d slam my stool a few times.  I do feel a little better, except look at all the junk on the floor from slamming the stool.  Sorry about that.”

_____

I could have launched into another of my “motivating” talks about how feelings are important.

  • It’s good to talk about it.
  • I know how you feel.
  • What’s the funny part of this story?
  • Do you really want to be in a funk right now?
  • Let’s choose a new attitude.

blah blah blah blah blah

I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again.  I have to think they are tired of hearing the same things, too.

So I acknowledged her frustrations.  I let her calm herself down.  I think I said something wise like, “That sucks, doesn’t it?”

We finished dinner and went outside to skateboard, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, laugh at the cat and walk the hill.

_____

The next morning we eased into home school in our most favorite way – I read a couple chapters to them.

This is the pearl we uncovered that morning:

“… your pain, like all you feel, is great.  Yet I fear that instead of stepping through your pain, as you and I have stepped through many a marsh, you have let it cling to you, like the blood-thirsty tick that rides our backs for months on end.” —Eremon, the stag
an excerpt from T.A. Barron’s book, The Fires of Merlin

 

Therein lies the power in storytelling.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
4
May 11

Three Candles

candles-beforeThey’d been walking hand-in-hand down the sunny side of Main Street.  She stopped in front of a window displaying candles, flower arrangements, leather-bound journals, potpourri sachets and tiny jars of hand creams.  Just then the door opened and they were enveloped by floral and citrus scents, sandalwood and patchouli.

Against his resistance, she pulled him inside the boutique.  She’d eyed these tiny clear blue votive holders.  They spoke to her of honesty, purity, timelessness, commitment and truth – all the things she believed she felt in this relationship with this man holding her hand.  They were a symbol of this new life full of promise and light.

She had to have them.

She could see herself – at the end of a day – lighting these candles to remind her of how lucky they were to find each other.  These candles would bring them close together at those times when life would get in the way and try to drag them apart.  These lit candles would be the glue that held them together.

She was sure that some nights he would light the candles for her or, at the very least, he’d light them with her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 17 Comments
30
Apr 11

Middle-Of-The-Night Musings

night-lightJenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on.   (We’re working on that.)  I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.

Last night was no different.  And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.

Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:

“God.  Do something with that hair.”

Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”

Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips?  Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth.  What’s your problem?”

I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…

“Give It A Rest!

Let this woman be.

Can’t you see she’s trying?

It’s the middle of the night!  Can you let up on her for one minute?  Why do you always have to find the negative?  How about saying something kind, for a change?”

And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.

This is where it went…

  • Stop those mean thoughts.  Right now.
  • Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
  • If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
  • Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
  • Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Smile at yourself.
  • Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.

Question:  Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman?  Or are we all this mean to ourselves?

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 Comments
25
Apr 11

I Hate Holidays

easter-eggAs I walked through Target looking for something to get the kids for Easter, I passed the poofy, over-the-top Easter Dresses.  I remember getting a couple Easter Dresses for Jenny.

She didn’t wear them to church.

She wore them in the garden while digging for worms.

She didn’t really need an Easter Dress.  I needed to be able to buy her one.  I needed to be able to take a picture of my little girl in a frilly, crinoline-stuffed, white dress, with a pink satin ribbon tied at her tiny waist.

That dress and the picture were on my list – the long, guilt-driven, impossible-to-achieve list of All Things Moms Do. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 13 Comments
20
Apr 11

It’s On Me

charcoal-sweaterGawd!

I’m doing it again.

I’m complaining…

about the weather;

about Mark;

about Kevlar Man;

about my hair;

about this little town I live in;

about my to-do list;

about the weather.  (I meant to type that a second time.)

I’m wallowing in the deep, muddy grooves of my fallback position – that of the negative, the pessimistic, the gloomy and the down.

Quick!  Somebody stuff a sock in my mouth.

Enter @PicsieChick –

Her gentle, sweet spirit, carried on the wings of butterflies – even in the depths of this season pretending to be Spring – sent this tweet:

How are you making your day fabulous today?


Yes!  She’s right!  It’s my job to make my day fabulous.

It’s not Mother Nature’s job.

It’s not Mark’s job.  ha…  ha…

It’s not Will’s job or Jen’s job.

It’s not Kevlar Man’s job.

It’s on ME to make my day fabulous.

I started with a little half and half and a pinch of sugar in the coffee I usually drink black to avoid extra calories.  Muffin-top be damned!

Then I answered some of the questions on Will’s worksheet – for him – to spread the fabulousness to him.

I sent Jenny outside with her roller blades and a dusting of the fabulous sprinkles.

I cranked the music on Pandora.

I called to offer to watch a friend’s cat while she heads out of town.  (Yes, offering help is a way to make my day fabulous.)

I opted to make the kids what they want for lunch, instead of what I feel like making.

And now, to work on my book.

It’s on me to make this day the way it can be – fabulous.

p.s.  Yes, I’ll be wearing my favorite sweater, too.

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