Posts Tagged: life

Lack of Empathy — 2 Comments
31
Oct 09

Can You Connect With A Narcissist?

My brother has big, chocolate brown eyes.  When he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else.  His gaze is warm and welcoming.  He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted.  My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dogs’ names, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball.  He can be intense — in a good way.  You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.

I get energized from connecting with people.

(I admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled.  I know… I’m supposed to do that from within.)

My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll ask a clerk for help.  Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …

I can’t get out of a store without hearing the makings of a life story. Continue reading →

Quotes — 1 Comment
28
Oct 09

Holding Back

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
                                                                                        Anonymous
Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — Comments Off on Filling The Hole
28
Oct 09

Filling The Hole

I can’t sleep — again.  Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better.  Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to.  I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life.  A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing.  It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory –  it’s not an original theory.  It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul.  Some call the hole a void or an injury.  I don’t like “injury”.  It’s too dramatic.  “Injury” leads to the word “victim”.  I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim.  It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on It’s a Duck
26
Oct 09

It’s a Duck

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck …
Douglas Adams
Quotes — Comments Off on Acceptance
24
Oct 09

Acceptance

You can either  hold yourself  up to the  unrealistic standards  of others, or ignore  them and  concentrate on  being happy  with  yourself as  you are.
Jeph Jacques
Moving On / Tools — Comments Off on One Day At A Time
24
Oct 09

One Day At A Time

If you’ve read this far, you have most likely suffered from a relationship with a narcissist.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that every time I turn around, I find a new person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist, or has discovered, finally, that they were raised by narcissists.  Narcissism is very pervasive in our culture, and it seems to be getting more prevalent.

At this point, if you haven’t checked out my disclaimer page, you might want to do that.

I will remind you that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL on the survival of narcissism.  I’m not there yet.  I do believe that I’m headed in the direction of becoming a professional narcissism survivor.

Surviving with narcissism is a work-in-progress.  I am having way more good days than bad days.  I guess that means it’s working.

These aren’t magical steps that will cure you overnight.   These suggestions will not have you waking tomorrow morning with a plan for how your life will dramatically change.  This is a slow and steady process.  But because it is slow and steady, it takes.  It will last.  You will eventually see that you’ve modified your behavior.  You will become pro-active instead of re-active.  Your kids will see that you possess a power they didn’t know you had.  You will respect yourself and know that you are worthy of a healthy life. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on Care
22
Oct 09

Care

Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.
Unknown
Quotes — Comments Off on Resignation
20
Oct 09

Resignation

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
Anonymous
Moving On — Comments Off on It’s Broken, Already
20
Oct 09

It’s Broken, Already

Women are fixers.  It’s part of our very nature to see if we can fix whatever may be broken.  Accommodating women are serious fixers.   It’s not that men aren’t capable or interested in fixing, too, but sometimes I think women have a tendency to try to fix when it can’t be fixed. 

A couple nights ago I was reading a review of a new book about children of narcissists.  The reviews were mostly positive, with a couple exceptions. One reviewer cited that the author gave lots of examples and case studies of the damage caused by growing up with a narcissistic parent.  But this reviewer was quite perturbed that the author did not suggest any fixes.  Maybe the reviewer still has a lot to learn about narcissism.  Maybe the reviewer is overly-optimistic.  Just about everything I’ve read says that the possibility of changing a narcissist pretty much doesn’t exist.

Every family has phrases or expressions that get handed down through the generations.  One of my favorites is, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”   The other, which I seem to repeat a lot is, “It takes a good leavin’ alone.”   A broken relationship with a narcissist is an example of something that cannot be fixed.  Remember how you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?  Narcissists don’t believe they need any help.  You are wasting your time with this one.  You bet it’s broke.  But this cannot be fixed.  There, I’ve said it again.  The individual accommodating a narcissist can get in a vicious cycle trying to make right all the damage done to their relationship.  It cannot be made right.  It takes a good leavin’ alone.

Quotes — Comments Off on Initiate Change
18
Oct 09

Initiate Change

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
                                                                                Andy Warhol
You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on Narcissists as Manipulators
18
Oct 09

Narcissists as Manipulators

I was making banana bread today with a good recipe out of “The Joy of Cooking.”  I use this cookbook at least once a week.  It’s a favorite.  Today, when I opened to the banana bread page, a note fell out of the cookbook.  I’ve had this book for probably five years.  I had forgotten there was a note inside.

The note was from Mark and it read:

Jess,

Hope you had fun tonight.  Sorry about the “late” comment.  It was uncalled for.  I’ll work on the control thing and lighten up on expectations so you can relax.  Have fun at the cabin.  Have Will call if he wants.        Mark

As I read this note today, I was thinking, “So, how’d that work for ya, Mark?  Guess you couldn’t lighten up on the expectations or manage the control thing after all.”  In fact, in one of our last “discussions” before I made the decision to move out, he said that he felt he was losing control, and that the family would be happier and healthier if he had more control. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on A Good Mother
15
Oct 09

A Good Mother

The most  important thing she’d  learned over the  years was that there  was no way  to be a perfect  mother and a  million ways to  be a  good  one.
                                                                                          Jill Churchill
Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
15
Oct 09

When The Narcissist Has Kids

the pondMy life changed the day I gave birth to my first child.  “So tell me something new,” you must be thinking.  But if you are a narcissist, you can’t say that.  If you are a narcissist, you don’t want to say that your life changed the day you had kids.

Before having children, your life is confined to a nice, tidy boat.  Sure, the boat can get tippy.  Sometimes the boat can even take on water.  Most of the time, if you are lucky, you float your boat, and watch the world from inside, without too many disturbances.  If you are really lucky, you have children and your boat capsizes.  You end up swimming in the warm, crazy pond of life.  Some days you can barely keep your head above water.  Some days you float on your back and enjoy all that the pond has to offer, but you never leave the pond for the safety of the boat.

And you don’t want to.

The arrival of children may rock the narcissist’s boat, but the boat never capsizes.  Narcissists control their boats very well.  They will experience inconveniences periodically, but basically, their boat remains intact.

I was in labor with Will for 22 hours.  Labor started at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night.  I jostled Mark a little, told him it had started, but that I would go downstairs so he could continue sleeping.  At 4:00 a.m. he got up to get ready to go to work.  When he was leaving he said, “Just hang in there until 8:00 a.m., because I should be done with everything by about then, and I’ll be free to take you to the hospital.” Continue reading →

Quotes — 1 Comment
12
Oct 09

Advice

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
Josh Billings
Quotes — Comments Off on True Riches
11
Oct 09

True Riches

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.
                                                                                        Author Unknown
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