marriage « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: marriage

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

Perhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist. Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation. When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A. You rock boats just to see how people react. But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried. She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair. And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course. Who says no in the beginning of a relationship? Why risk losing something so sweet? There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides / Stories — 5 Comments
15
Sep 15

On Popcorn, Track Record and the New Guy

“Oh dear! I can’t bring myself to watch.”

“Pass the popcorn, Margaret. This is getting good.”

Margaret passed the bowl of popcorn to Gladys. “Gladys! How can you be so insensitive? She’s struggling. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see that. That’s why it’s getting good!” Gladys scooped up a handful of popcorn in one hand and with the other, she deliberately ate one popped kernel at a time, while watching the drama unfold.

Basil walked over and sat next to Gladys. “Uh oh. She’s at it again, isn’t she.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
14
Jul 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 1 Comment
28
May 15

When to Accommodate

“Margaret?”

“Yes, dear?”

Gladys smoothed the crease of her skirt. “Why are you always so accommodating?”

“Whatever do you mean, dear?”

“Well, you always put everyone else first. You always consider other needs before your own.” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

Guest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / Stories / The Bartender — 2 Comments
8
Jul 14

“I Married My Mom!”

“I’ll have a Jack and Coke. Hold the Coke.”

“Was the long weekend tough on ya? How was the lake?” The bartender reached for a rocks glass, filled it with ice and poured a steady stream of amber-colored attitude adjustment.

“The lake was fine.” He reached for the glass and took a long sip. “I married my mom.”

“You what!? This weekend? You did what?” The bartender paused, bar rag in hand, waiting for an explanation.

“No. Not like that.” He took another sip. “No, I meant that the woman I married is exactly like my mom.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 7 Comments
29
May 14

“We Were Brainwashed!”

“Hey! Nice to see you! Isn’t this new play structure wonderful?”

“Do you live around here?” She helped one of her two navigate the climbing wall.

“Yes, that house on the corner. How about you?”

She pointed in the opposite direction and said they lived that way. “Geez, I guess the last time I saw you was at the grocery store? How’ve you been? Is Jen playing hooky today?”

“We’ve been homeschooling for about four years now.” I turned to watch Jen navigate the monkey bars. Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
May 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 8

She hadn’t heard the ticking of a biological clock. She didn’t have one.

She rarely babysat as a kid. She never craved holding a newborn. She didn’t know what to do around kids. When she married at 33, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be starting a family. That was fine with her.* He had adult children from a previous marriage, so he wasn’t pushing to start a second family. She has no recollection of discussing babies with him. Perhaps they both assumed that wasn’t on the table.

__________

As she looks back, she wonders if – in lieu of a ticking biological clock – what she heard were faint echos coming from a deep cavern. “Helloooo up there. Is this all there is? Is this the amount of love you might ever expect to receive?” And quieter still, the softest whisper that said, “Can you expect to survive on so little human contact or connection?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Mar 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 7

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She’d grown accustomed to being invisible. Invisibility was normal. She learned that in childhood. In her marriage, she was invisible to her partner, so she thought that was normal, too.

The INFJ

Most INFJs enjoy being invisible. INFJs are comfortable staying in the background. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories — 4 Comments
17
Mar 14

Walking on Eggshells

She’d walked on eggshells in hiking boots. She’d walked across eggshells in heels. She’d even walked on eggshells in bare feet. It didn’t matter how delicately she stepped. She’d tried to step around them. She knew the eggshells would cut the soles of her feet. And still – every day – she walked on eggshells.

She could tell you how long she’d been at it – since before she’d married him.

Every morning, she’d walk into the kitchen and there they were – the shells scattered across the hardwoods. She would step around them and grab for the broom. She’d sweep up the pile as he was leaving for work. All day long, she’d walk through the kitchen and notice that the shells were gone, but the minute she heard his car in the drive, the shells would reappear.

She’d find herself stepping over eggshells for the rest of the evening. She’d serve his dinner while crunching over shells. She’d clean up the kitchen while stepping on still more shells. Most nights, there was nothing she could do or say that would make them go away. But once in a great while, she’d do something right – she couldn’t even tell you what it was, but she’d look over her shoulder and the shells would be gone. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / Words Got Her Home — Comments Off
22
Jan 14

Fanfare is for Narcissists

Fanfare is for narcissists.

That’s why – without all the folderol – I’m telling you that my books are available for free on Smashwords.com. Visit my page on their site and click through to enter the codes*.

Seeing My Path is a series of conversations I have with myself over a few road trips to a plateau outside the town where I live in Montana. Sometimes humorous and often self-deprecating, the conversations are an assessment of some of the crappy choices I’ve made. The convo progresses to the wake-up call that sends me in a new healthy direction. I’m still heading in that direction today. (Thankfully.)

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code LU97P for Seeing My Path.

Words Got Her Home is a compilation of quotes and pictures that motivated me to get off the old path and stay on this new one. It’s a quick read that I still refer to on some of my “down” days.

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code RN36H for Words Got Her Home.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, I think you’ll enjoy the books.

I’ve been on this path for awhile. I’ve learned a lot about narcissism – enough to help myself and my kids learn to live a thriving life even while still dealing with narcissism.

It’s my goal to help others dealing with narcissism – especially kids.

The codes will be effective until February 22.

Please.

Get the books.

I hope they shed some light and encourage you on your path.

Thank you for being here.

*You can either visit smashwords.com and search for Jesse Blayne, or click on my page.

Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
17
Jan 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 6

She doesn’t know how it feels to marry the right person. She does know how it feels to want to vomit right after saying the words, “I do.”

She knows how it feels to keep herself busy so as not to have time to wrap her brain around the idea that she’d made a mistake – maybe the biggest mistake ever.

She knows how it is to feel claustrophobic sitting in the car next to her husband as they drove to the west coast to hike on their honeymoon. As each mile brought them closer to the Olympic Peninsula, her palms felt clammier. She desperately needed to stop the car. She couldn’t breathe sitting next to him. Was this what it was like to have a panic attack? Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
20
Dec 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 5

Often, it isn’t until after you do something that you realize how much you shouldn’t have done that thing. So it was with marrying the narcissist.

In the flurry of preparations the morning of the ceremony, she was approached by well-wishers. The look in their eyes should have told her something. As over-thinking INFJs do, she assumed she needed to do more to make her guests comfortable. Now, as she thinks back on the general mood of the attendees, she realizes those looks showed concern – concern masked by forced smiles.

What should the energy be on that big day? Isn’t it more about the marriage than the wedding? Don’t two people grow together during the marriage? Jitters and cold feet are present at every wedding, aren’t they? The wedding was a formality. The marriage was the true test of their rightness for each other.

Right? Continue reading →

Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
25
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 4

The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.

He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.

Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.

Continue reading →