Posts Tagged: narcissist behavior

Moving On — 4 Comments
1
Dec 09

When To Pitch The Avocado

I’ve got leftover turkey to deal with.  Not sure why I made a 10 pound turkey for the three of us.  I knew, going into Thanksgiving, that Jenny wouldn’t eat any turkey.  I made some noodle/turkey casserole thingee the other night.  It was okay.  It wasn’t anything that we’re dying to have again.  I pitched the rest of that.  Next I’ll try turkey soup.  What is the compulsion to use every bit of the bird when I know that none of us are interested in eating any more of it?  I satisfied the desire to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving meal.  Why must I sentence us to boring meals until we’ve used every last bit?

I do the same thing with avocados.  I buy a couple because they are good for us and some of us like them.  I make plans and before I know it, the avocados have zoomed past ripe and landed right at gross.  But avocados are expensive.  I hate wasting them.  I could buy cilantro and limes and make guacamole, but I’d be throwing good money after bad, in an effort to save what has gone bad.  The guacamole wouldn’t be nearly as good as excellent guac made with perfectly ripe avocados.

I’ve done the same with a few relationships.  I set out with the right intentions, only to have things go bad.  Then I keep throwing good energy at it, hoping to make what is bad better.   If a relationship is bad, I can throw all the positive spin in the world at it, and at the end of the day, it’s still just bad.  I remember the counselor saying, “Put a positive spin on it.  No marriage is all bad.”  I was never quite sure how to put a positive spin on my continual failure as a spouse.  You could dress me up, but I still couldn’t clean or cook well, as far as Mark was concerned.

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday.  She’s at the end of her rope in a friendship with her neighbor.  She kept giving her neighbor the benefit of the doubt.   After three years of being a good listener and supportive friend, and getting the life sucked right out of her, my friend called it quits with her neighbor.  And, because my friend is a really good person, she feels guilty about it.  Isn’t that just how it is?  Does the neighbor feel any guilt for taking and taking and never giving, during the entire length of that relationship?  Who knows for sure.  But, clearly, she took that love and attention for granted.

How are we supposed to know when enough is enough?  When can we be done reinventing leftover turkey?  When can we quit investing in a relationship that is not going anywhere?  Who decides when and if it is time to quit?  Do we wait for our partner or friend to make the decision?  Can we get to the point where we honestly feel we have tried and given enough?  When can we walk away with a clear conscience and hold our head high and say, “I did my best and it’s the best I can do?” Continue reading →

Control / Moving On / Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on When Divorcing The Narcissist Isn’t Enough
29
Nov 09

When Divorcing The Narcissist Isn’t Enough

Last night Will was so stressed, I actually resorted to giving him a Pepcid.  That’s the first time he’s taken anything for an upset stomach.  His stomach had been bothering him for two days.  Coincidentally, his father had been over both those days.

I’m too familiar with this feeling.  I have a stash of Pepcid for myself.

After both visits, Will started pacing, cussing and ranting.  I’ve told him that he can write about what bugs him.  We’ve lots of cryptic notes around the house.

“My Dad is an A hole.”

“F you dad.” Continue reading →

Moving On — 1 Comment
28
Nov 09

Relationship 101

Speaking of good men …  there is a good man in my life.  Or at least there was.  As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life.  As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.

Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff?  The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean.  Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships.  I’ve read plenty of them.  Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.

Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship.  Doesn’t everybody go through that?  Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone.   But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool.  I wasn’t looking when he came along.  I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce.  I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons.  I didn’t have a fear of being alone.  Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway.  I was coping quite nicely, in fact.  I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me.  I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked.  Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom.  But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.

Then he came along.  It started so innocently.  We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states.  It was perfect.  Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance.  That was so smart, and so healthy.  There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.

That was two and a half years ago.  In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee.   I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone.  After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off.  Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues.  And my long distance friend continues to rise above.  And I continue to screw it up.  I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist.  He’s the furthest thing from.  I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship.  You mean I’m not supposed to do everything?  Am I supposed to do anything?  What should I do?  I know I keep doing too much.  I know I can’t shut up about it.  I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith.  I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me.  Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with. Continue reading →

Quotes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on A Great Marriage
26
Nov 09

A Great Marriage

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together.  It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
David Meurer
Moving On — Comments Off on Survivor Humor
26
Nov 09

Survivor Humor

I heard this the other night and I immediately asked if I could use it.  I’ve been thinking about how well it would tie into the next post I was planning to write.  Just now I realized that this is worthy of a stand-alone piece.

Let me say, first of all, that I know that the world is populated with really good men.  A lot of those good men also happen to be good fathers and good husbands.  My brother and step-brothers, my cousins’ husbands, husbands of friends  — all of them are stellar examples of fine men.  They are the get-down-on-the-floor and play, bath-giving, diaper-changing, nose-wiping, up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of fully involved dads.  And they are the kind of men who see that marriage is a partnership that requires lots of sacrifice and compromise.  I know that a good man is not a mythical creature.

Having said that, I still wonder how it is that I managed to marry a Narcissist when there are some damn fine men out there.  I know all the factors that steered me in the direction of Mark.  No point in beating myself up about it.

The kids and I are looking forward to ski season.  When I met Mark, I was the more avid skier.  He was eager to get out and do more downhill skiing, so we enjoyed several ski seasons together before Will was born.  I’ve heard the stories, and seen firsthand, how there are husbands out there who take turns.  They actually opt to skip out on fishing or hunting or skiing trips because they have children.  Mark was of the mind set that the raising of the children was my job.  And on the weekends, it was still my job.  There was never any discussion about the possibility of skipping a day of skiing or, heaven-for-bid, babysitting Will so that I might hit the slopes.  It was just understand that when children are introduced into the relationship, the wife’s life changes, but the husband’s remains the same.

Recently Will was asking me why it is that I never go fishing anymore.  Apparently, Mark kindly pointed out that when I used to be fun, I would actually go fishing.  I explained that I used to enjoy flyfishing a lot.  In fact, his father and I took up the sport together.  Then I went on to explain that when Will was born, it fell on me to stay with the kids so that Mark could still fish.  Jenny is now getting to the age where we could all fish together.  But it’s been a lot of years, and I’m a little rusty on my casting.  I’m going to find a good way to explain to Will and Jenny that there are men out there who take turns.  That means that sometimes the whole family goes fishing, and the dad hangs with the kids a bit while the mom fishes, and then the mom hangs with the kids.  You get the picture.  It’s a novel concept.  But, I’ve heard that it works. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
23
Nov 09

Leaf Therapy

yellowI ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.

The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.

__________

I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.

I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →

Moving On — 1 Comment
21
Nov 09

Quit Wanting

What if we quit wanting?  What if we accepted what was in front us?  What if we quit wanting things to be different?  What if we set out to change what wasn’t working, and then learned to accept what is just fine?

What if we quit wanting to change our partner, our children, our jobs, our house, our neighbors, and our co-workers?

What if we made the best of what we had, instead of opting for what might be better?

What if we quit wanting better or best, and came to love  what might very well be quite good enough?

Can that be done if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist? Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Crossing Paths
18
Nov 09

Crossing Paths

Jenny is bummed because her closest friend is drifting away.  Last year they were in the same class.  This year they are in different classes, and while we arrange for the girls to get together outside of class, the relationship is definitely changing.  Jen doesn’t understand why Hailey isn’t interested in the same things anymore.  Jen wants to know why Hailey doesn’t listen anymore.  That’s tough for a 2nd grader.  And it’s tough for a 2nd grader’s mom.

But the issue with Hailey opened up an interesting conversation for the three of us.  I was trying to explain to Jen and Will about friendships and relationships, in general.  I’ve gotten that email about friends, a couple times, now.  You know the one — it talks about how some people come into your life briefly, some come into your life for awhile, and some come into your life to stay.

I was trying to explain to Jen that she and Hailey had paths that were headed in the same direction for awhile.  They liked the same things, told the same secrets, and giggled at the same time.  That was lovely for awhile.  But people change, and sometimes their path takes them in a different direction.  That’s not a bad thing.  It’s a little sad, because you still wish that person’s path was along side yours.  But it’s exciting to think that you will be bumping into another person, who may be on the same path as you.  And then, at some point, your path will change, and you will veer off in a new direction.  I wanted them to see that they should be happy that their paths intersect with other paths for lots of reasons.  They should see the benefit of those crossings and not be so blue when the paths head off in new directions.  They get to take all the things they learn, and  all those shared experiences with them on their own new path.

Of course, that led to my talking about how Mark and I were on the same path for awhile.  I wanted them to understand how grateful I am that my path crossed with Mark’s.  If it hadn’t, there wouldn’t be Will and Jenny.  Naturally, they both wanted to know why my path wasn’t the same as Mark’s anymore.  I started to give them that tired old excuse  about how people grow and change, and blah, blah, blah.  But my kids are pretty visual.  I wanted to give them something that would drive the point home.  I explained that Mark and I were sort of driving down this path, but it was like we were in two separate cars.  I guess I wasn’t comfortable in his car, and he didn’t particularly like my car.  His car was fancy and pristine.  His car was very organized.  You couldn’t drink coffee in his car or eat Goldfish Crackers in his car.  Booster seats never really fit properly in his car.  My car had plenty of room for booster seats, graham crackers, granola bars, wipes, bikes, stuffed animals, books, papers, crayons, and frisbees.

One day, as we were headed down our path, side-by-side, in our two separate cars, it was like my hand involuntarily (or maybe not so involuntarily) yanked on the steering wheel,  my car went out of control, and I crashed right into his car and caused a seriously messed up demolition.  I reminded them of those cool demolition derbies that they see on T.V., where the car is totally trashed, but the driver jumps out, arms in the air, grinning from ear to ear.   I tried to explain that I had been ready for a new path for awhile.  I wasn’t happy traveling that same path with their dad anymore.  In order to head out on a new path, I made the choice to not be married to their dad any longer.  I pointed out that divorce is a lot like a demolition derby.  There’s a lot of messed up cars, but usually everybody walks away intact.  Some drivers, of course, come out of the derby much happier than others.

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 1 Comment
16
Nov 09

Narcissists and Friendship

A very dear friend called this weekend.  We’ve known each other since college.  She’s one of those special friends that, although we may not get to visit as much as I’d like, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off.  She’d been reading my blog and thought maybe I needed a call.  I didn’t realize I was sending out an S.O.S.  That’s a beautiful thing about good friends, they often know you better than you know yourself.  They can tell when you are feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate your successes, they know your different phases.  They can tell you to quit taking yourself so seriously, just as you can do that for them.

When I was first dating Mark, I was curious about the fact that he didn’t have any friends.  Actually, there was one guy that he would do a few things with, but he was kind of an odd duck.  He didn’t have any friends, either.  I just assumed that Mark poured himself into his business, and he didn’t have any time to cultivate friendships.  Funny how you can so easily turn a negative into a positive when you are in a new relationship.  Then, when Mark and I had been married for awhile, I would think to myself, “Well, I guess he just prefers to spend his time with me when he’s not working.”

I would have killed to be a hunting widow or a golf widow.  Every healthy relationship needs those spaces where you go away, get a new perspective, and come back to look at your partner with fresh eyes.  You don’t need to go away for a long time.  Maybe you need an afternoon break, or a weekend break.  Never having a break from your partner is like never changing the sheets on your bed.  They can get pretty stale and smelly.

Several years into our marriage, Mark would rant about how I prevented him from going on his mountain adventures.  He felt tied down and never got to take off like he did before we were married.  I had heard the stories of his adventures.  In most cases, he was by himself.  I think he was angry with himself for not wanting to go by himself any more, and so he directed the anger at me.

Narcissists are lousy at friendship.  They aren’t interested in carrying on a conversation unless the talk is all about them.  And they sure aren’t going to spend any time worrying about someone else’s issues, feelings or concerns.  A close friend of ours was going through a divorce.  I had invited her for dinner.  I wanted her to know that she had our support while she went through a difficult time.  We shared some beers on the front deck, and we just let her vent.  That’s what friends do.  At one point, Mark got out of his lawn chair and headed into the house.  I thought he was getting something to drink.  He didn’t come back.  He didn’t come back for dinner, either.  I made some excuse for our friend, saying something like, “Oh, Mark hasn’t been feeling well.”  I had seen him do this before — get up from the dinner table, or simply leave a room in the middle of a conversation.  His rudeness astounded me.  After the friend had gone home, I asked what had happened to him.  He simply said, “I was bored with the conversation and wasn’t interested in sticking around for any more.”  That is precisely why he’d find himself alone on his mountain trips.

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist
10
Nov 09

Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist

I just came back from a weekend away.  It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go.  I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen.  I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others.  Accommodators don’t like to impose.  That is against our very nature.  Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable.  So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.

__________

It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house.  They don’t even stay for over-nighters.  Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma.  Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip.  And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip.  I had to get creative.  (See what I mean?)

When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore.  Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either.  It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore.  I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything.  I had no choice but to trust Jenny.  It is my job to protect her.  I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present.  There would be no over-nighters — ever.

___________ Continue reading →

The World Revolves Around Me — 11 Comments
1
Nov 09

Trick or Treat

We survived another Halloween.  They might be a little less scary now that we aren’t living with the narcissist anymore.  He called yesterday afternoon to ask if he was invited to take the kids Trick or Treating.  I was confused, “I thought I heard them invite you last night?”  He lets out a dramatic sigh and says, “Well, yes, but I didn’t know if something might have changed by today.”  Apparently he needs to be invited to be a parent.

The kids had overheard my phone conversation with him.  They asked what it was about.  I explained that their dad wondered if he was still invited to take them Trick or Treating.  Will laughed and said, “Oh, he’s doing that thing where he wants us to beg him to come over.”  Jenny said, “No, actually, he doesn’t really want to go at all, so he’s seeing if we’ve changed our minds.”  They are both correct, to a certain degree.  They definitely have him pegged.

Then, when he had completed his 20 minute stint with the kids, he asked if they wanted to do anything on Sunday.  Will excitedly told him that we’d be eating junk food and watching the Packers beat the Vikings.  Mark was never much into watching football.  I think he’s a little miffed that the kids and I are getting into it.

Today, he called 10 minutes before the game was supposed to start.  He talked to Jenny, because Will was busy, and his message was, “I’m just letting you both know that I am available to talk on the phone, or to come over and hang out.”  And that was it.  Clearly, he is letting them know that he expects them to call and beg him to come over.  He wants to see if he can actually trump the football game.  He wants to see if they like being with him so much, that they’ll gladly change any plans that they’ve made with me.  While it may sound like he wants to see/be with the kids, he really just wants them to want to be with him.  When he gets over here, he is not at all interested in how they are or what they have going on in their lives.  And when they don’t initiate anything with him, we don’t hear from him for days.

And here’s what I do …  I spend the rest of the afternoon reminding them that they may want to call their dad.  Old habits die hard.  I am so conditioned to try and foster this relationship between my kids and their dad.  It’s like breathing.  I used to say, “Don’t forget to call your dad.  Your dad would appreciate a phone call tonight.  Do you want to see if your dad would like to come over?”  I am setting them up for the same kind of relationship that I had with my dad, and then with Mark.  Those relationships were totally driven by me.  They were not reciprocal.  They were one-sided.  When I dropped the ball with my dad, the relationship was over.  When I decided to leave Mark, he didn’t come after me and say, “Hey, I’ll try harder.  Let’s make this work.”  Do I want that for my kids?  I continue to foster this “relationship” because I don’t want my kids to some day say to me, “Why did you keep us from seeing our dad?  Why couldn’t we see him whenever we wanted?” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy — 2 Comments
31
Oct 09

Can You Connect With A Narcissist?

My brother has big, chocolate brown eyes.  When he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else.  His gaze is warm and welcoming.  He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted.  My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dogs’ names, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball.  He can be intense — in a good way.  You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.

I get energized from connecting with people.

(I admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled.  I know… I’m supposed to do that from within.)

My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll ask a clerk for help.  Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …

I can’t get out of a store without hearing the makings of a life story. Continue reading →

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
26
Oct 09

Narcissists Are Six-Year-Olds

When I first started digging into all this narcissism stuff, I kept reading that a narcissist’s maturity level stops at about the age of six.   I was astounded at how all these characteristics of narcissism  perfectly fit my ex-husband.  But I have to admit, I really thought the six-year-old thing was a bit of a stretch.  I guess I was taking it too literally.  I mean he owned a business, drove a car and had a checkbook.  He didn’t really act like a six-year-old.  Or did he?

While Mark was here to visit with the kids Friday night, he kept trying to hatch a plan to pick them up the next day.  I could hear the kids dodging his questions.  When they don’t want to do anything with him, they always say, “We’ll have to check with mom, first, to see if she has made any plans.”  That’s my clue to make up some plans.  They’d been kind of secretive with him when he was asking them about getting together.  After he left, they told me the reason they didn’t want to see him the next day.  Turns out he had come up with a plan for a Christmas gift for me.  He wanted the kids to help him with it.  They wanted to have nothing to do with it because it was all his plan.  He hadn’t asked for any of their input.

The next morning, he called to see when he could pick up the kids.  It’s getting somewhat easier to be honest with him.  I told him that they weren’t excited about working on the project with him since it was all his idea.  He said, “Well I know it was all my idea, but I thought they liked my idea.”  I thought to myself, “Well did you ask them if they liked your idea?  Or did you just assume that they liked your idea?  Or better yet, how about you ask them what they’d like to get me for Christmas.”

Here’s where the six-year-old behavior begins.  That was Saturday morning.  I’m writing this Monday, after the kids have gone to bed.  He usually calls for his bogus goodnight calls almost every night.  He didn’t call Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday nights.  He is pouting.  We are being taught a lesson.  He is giving us the cold shoulder.  We have gotten to the point where we really enjoy not hearing from him for a couple or three days.  One of the kids will notice that he’s not calling and say, “Dad must be pouting again.”  Then a couple more days will pass and one of the kids will miss him.  They will ask if  they can call him.  I will say, “Of course you can call your dad.”  They will call, and he will pick up where he left off at the last visit, like nothing ever happened.

A couple years ago on Father’s Day, Will was torn about what to do.  He felt obligated to spend the day with his dad, but he also wanted to spend time with his grandpa, at the cabin.  We came up with a marvelous idea for fitting both plans into the day.  When we explained the plan to Mark, he actually whined and said, “Well what about me?  What am I supposed to do?  It’s my Father’s Day, ya know.”  At the time, Will was 9, and grandpa had already assumed more of the fathering role than Mark had.  Will knew that he was expected to spend the day with his father, but he also knew what a farce that was.  I remember the three of us standing in the driveway.  Will and I looked at each other and then we both looked at Mark.  I couldn’t believe that not only had that immature thought entered Mark’s mind, but he actually verbalized that thought–in front of his son.  Who were the adults in that scenario?  Besides, once someone says something like, “Hey, you’re supposed to be with me,” how much does anyone want to be with them?  And how enjoyable, then, is it for the person who had to beg another to spend time with them? Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on Acceptance
24
Oct 09

Acceptance

You can either  hold yourself  up to the  unrealistic standards  of others, or ignore  them and  concentrate on  being happy  with  yourself as  you are.
Jeph Jacques
Moving On / Tools — Comments Off on One Day At A Time
24
Oct 09

One Day At A Time

If you’ve read this far, you have most likely suffered from a relationship with a narcissist.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that every time I turn around, I find a new person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist, or has discovered, finally, that they were raised by narcissists.  Narcissism is very pervasive in our culture, and it seems to be getting more prevalent.

At this point, if you haven’t checked out my disclaimer page, you might want to do that.

I will remind you that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL on the survival of narcissism.  I’m not there yet.  I do believe that I’m headed in the direction of becoming a professional narcissism survivor.

Surviving with narcissism is a work-in-progress.  I am having way more good days than bad days.  I guess that means it’s working.

These aren’t magical steps that will cure you overnight.   These suggestions will not have you waking tomorrow morning with a plan for how your life will dramatically change.  This is a slow and steady process.  But because it is slow and steady, it takes.  It will last.  You will eventually see that you’ve modified your behavior.  You will become pro-active instead of re-active.  Your kids will see that you possess a power they didn’t know you had.  You will respect yourself and know that you are worthy of a healthy life. Continue reading →

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