narcissistic behavior « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

Coming Full Circle

barbed

“Dad, if you changed some things so that we would be more comfortable around you, we would want to see you more.” Will, with eyes blinking incessantly, and hands shoved into the pockets of his grass-stained kahkis, summoned the courage to stand up to his dad.

Later, Will told me he felt like he wanted to throw-up when he was talking to Mark.

Jenny was hiding in a corner of the garage. When Mark asked her if he still used the baby voice, she was visibly shaking. She looked down at her feet, clutched her Barbie, and whispered, “Yes.”

Then, Mark announced to the three of us that he has only one voice. He does not have, and never has had, a baby voice. Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
22
Jul 10

Pulling Weeds

window-box That window gets smaller every year – that time between the excitement of spring planting and the heat of summer bringing pervasive weeds.

This year the window was particularly small. Seems like we waited forever for summer to get here, and suddenly the weeds have taken over the garden.

I headed out this morning, spade in hand, to perch on my little stool, and begin a little garden therapy. The tomatoes, herbs and pumpkins are being taken over because of neglect. More garden counseling sessions are in store.

As I started pulling, I went for the biggest weeds. By pulling the largest weeds first, it made the task less daunting. The big weeds make it look like there are more renegades in the garden than there really are.

The big stuff magnified all the little stuff. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
5
Jul 10

When The Other Shoe Doesn’t Drop

Apparently, the Narcissist’s other shoe is not made of concrete. Apparently, the other shoe will not even be dropped. Mark received The Email from mom. And, as previously written, she dared say things I have never had the guts to say. She delivered a 2 x 4 to his forehead with more force than I thought her slender arms could produce. She blew off the end of the smoking gun, re-holstered, and stood with arms crossed, head high, waiting for a response.

I, however, metaphorically cowered in the corner while the kids chatted about firecrackers, s’mores, the cabin and the hopes of landing the first trout of the season.

The first responses were received by Will and Jenny. Mark told them, rather briefly, that he was surprised that they think he’s a bad dad. He has always felt that he was a wonderful dad. He would not be making them any promises to change anything, because he doesn’t quite know what to change.

I’ll refrain from saying something petty like, “Please refer to the previous 47 emails from the kids telling you what makes them uncomfortable.” Or, “Maybe you could start with the baby voice.”

The next day, mom received a similarly brief response. Once again, he is shocked that his parenting style is receiving any criticism. He has always believed that he was being the best father to all his kids. He mentioned that he has been quite happy, recently, and that he’s shocked that his happiness hasn’t made it possible for him to be an even better father. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
28
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Other Shoe

This is the calm before the storm. Or is it? After Mark’s last email to Will, we have not heard much from him. It has been quite pleasant around here. Although, there is a part of me that wonders what’s coming next.

Will received that lengthy, mom-bashing, blame-laying, ‘your life wouldn’t be what it is today without all the sacrifices I’ve made for you’ email on the day before Father’s Day. Jenny and Will opted not to call him. On the evening of Father’s Day, Mark left a message asking only to talk to Jenny. Jenny begrudgingly returned his call on Monday. It sounded like Mark was actually asking detailed questions about her weekend. He did not ask to talk to Will.

On Tuesday, Mark called, and this time asked to talk to Will. He had some story about his neighbors, to relay to Will. He ended the conversation by saying, “Hey, I’m floating the river tomorrow. Do you want to come?” He didn’t discuss the email, or Will’s lack of response to his email. After Will got off the phone, he shook his head and said, “Dad is doing that thing where he is pretending that everything is fine.”

Will didn’t go floating with Mark.

I answered the phone on Thursday. Mark asked if the kids were home. I held up the phone and said, “You guys, it’s your dad.” They both looked at me, shook their heads, and whispered, “NO! We don’t want to talk to him.” Instead of forcing them to talk to their dad, I said, “Mark, neither one of the kids wants to come to the phone.” He sternly said, “Okay. Goodbye.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
22
Jun 10

When The Path Is Overgrown

orange-wildflowers I am the stream. I am the stream. I am the stream.

Yeah.

Whatever.

There are a few more rapids in the stream today.

I do believe in the stream. I am the stream. But, today I needed a little help getting around a humongous boulder. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Opportunistic / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
21
Jun 10

I Am The Stream

the-missouri I thought about posting the most damning quotes from the emails received from Mark in the last few days. I thought I might even write about how Mark is telling Will that while every boy needs a mom, they don’t need a mom who poisons them with the hate they feel for that boy’s dad. I thought I’d even post entire copies of those emails. (Trust me. They far exceed the 1000 word limit that a lot of bloggers prefer.) I thought of posting his criticisms and defending myself. His writings further prove his disorder, so it certainly would be more fodder for this blog.

And when I pictured myself typing those things, I saw battery acid oozing out of my finger tips. The acid flowed over the keyboard and cemented the keys, so that I could no longer type.

I can’t type that negative stuff.

I can’t give more life to his hateful words.

It was the night before Father’s Day, when Will read Mark’s recent email out loud. The kids didn’t cry. They didn’t pace the floor and exclaim that they don’t understand how their dad could write such things. They didn’t beg to sleep in my bed because they were so hurt or bruised by Mark’s words. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
20
Jun 10

Happy Father’s Day to Me

I have learned how to throw a spiral.

I ski on the days when it’s too damn cold, though I’d rather be sitting by the fire reading a good book.

I routinely embarrass myself on the golf course.

I know the difference between an ollie, a nosegrind and a kickflip.

I laugh at their burp competitions.

I let them spit sunflower seed shells at each other – until I can’t stand it any more.

I let her cut up her new Barbie outfits because she loves to “alter” things.

I remind her every day that she’s beautiful, and strong, and smart.

I remind him that the strongest men are tender – that they don’t hide their feelings.

I watch hours of skateboarding DVDs, listen to volumes of data on the intricacies of different players’ golf swings, and help build snowboard jumps off our front step.

I let her know that what she has to say is just as important as what anyone else has to say.

I shoot hoops and play h.o.r.s.e, although sometimes I’ve been known to forget and call it h.o.u.s.e.

I carry her to bed some nights, even though she’s getting too heavy for me, because a strong daddy would carry his little girl to bed.

I try not to watch when he rides his bike ‘no hands’.

I put worms on hooks when I’d rather not. I let him mow the lawn even though I worry that he’ll get hurt. I try not to baby him in front of others, and I try to treat her like a princess without letting it go to her head.

Once in awhile, when no one is looking, I’ll let them take turns sitting in the passenger seat, and practice shifting gears

I try not to tell him to ‘knock it off’ when he drinks out of the milk carton, even though that drives me nuts. I let them squirt the whipping cream straight into their mouths.

I am trying my best.

Today I will look in the mirror and say, “Happy Father’s Day,” to myself.

To all the fathering mothers and the fathering fathers, thank you for all the good work you do.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
17
Jun 10

When Fear is the Bus Driver

“Whoa! That was a fun ride!” she says, facetiously. I’m sure it won’t be the last time Fear drives this bus. But, for now, I’m back behind the wheel. I’ve got to look into getting some seat belts installed on this thing. The view from the back seat was interesting, but a little blurry because Fear was driving so fast. That’s probably why I was up the night before last, vomiting. Fear does that to me. It’s a lot like car sickness.

This morning is cold, cloudy and rainy. My mood, however, matches a 75 degree, sunny, windless day.

I’m driving now, and I have my confidence back. The ride is smoother, more leisurely, and I’m sure we’ll stop for snacks and take in a matinee.

Fear took control of the bus when I lost faith in myself and what I know to be true.

I was silencing my own voice, to better hear what others had to say. But I forgot that no one knows my kids as well as I do. No one knows their hurts, their insecurities and their fears like me, because I know how they got them. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
Jun 10

Fear on the Frontlines

I am scared. My stomach hurts.

Mark talked to my mom before his counseling session today. He admitted that yesterday’s visit did not go well. He said he thinks he can’t reach Will. I’m stunned that he can see this.

My head was reeling with the sudden change in Mark’s tone.

Is he ready to discard the kids because they aren’t interested in sourcing his narcissism? He has never admitted to this strained relationship with Will before. Why now?

The kids are scheduled for a session with Mark and the counselor tomorrow. They are begging me not to make them go. They are crying. They are pleading.

I’ve told them that we are taking the ‘high road’. We will go to one more session to show Mark, and the world, that we are giving this our best. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
14
Jun 10

From the Sidelines to the Stands

I spent some time on the sidelines. I was too close to the game, and couldn’t see the action well. I moved to the stands. I can see the game better, and it’s a lot more comfy here, too. It’s best that I’m further from the action. They can’t hear me when I fail at keeping my mouth shut. I’m sitting on one of those cushions with the attached back. There’s no one sitting in front of me, so my feet are up. I’ve got popcorn and an icy cold beer.

My kids are suiting up for another run at this ‘game’ at grandma’s. Last night, Jenny slept with me again. She’s dreading today and couldn’t get to sleep because she can’t quit thinking about how her dad just doesn’t see her. This morning, Will said, “I am done with these visits. I just feel beat down.”

I’m picturing my kids suited up for a football game. We’ve only recently gotten into watching football. There hasn’t been a dad around to spend Sundays watching the games, so we don’t really know how the game is played. Will certainly knows more than Jen and I do. But he still doesn’t understand penalties and downs and all that stuff. They are begrudgingly putting on their shoulder pads and helmets. After a few encouraging shouts from the stands, they will drag their butts up the hill to grandma’s house.

I tried the coaching bit for eleven years. Perhaps I’d have done a better job if I’d known more how the game was played. It seems the other team (Mark) keeps changing the rules. Each time my kids were tackled, I’d rush out to the field, help them up and encourage them to get back in the game. It took me quite awhile before I realized that Mark kept changing the rules. I was encouraging the kids to play fair. After each tackle, it became harder and harder to talk them into going back in for what they knew would be another hit. I hoped they’d be able to play better as they got older. At this point, they pretty much hate the game altogether. They don’t even want to be near the stadium, let alone on the field.

Now, with my mom as coach, it’ll be interesting to see how the rest of the game plays. Initially, Jen and Will were cautiously optimistic. This new coach did a better job of getting them psyched before the game. She was a lot more enthusiastic about the potential outcome. She really believed we could win this thing, and her spunk was contagious. The three of us were ready for a new coach because we were sick and tired and bruised from losing every stinkin’ game. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
9
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Instincts

I woke to the sound of our cat crunching on her breakfast. We buy her the good stuff. I’m sure that’s why she’s so nice to us. Then I heard her claws click across the hardwoods as she made her way down the hall and across my bedroom. I heard the pause before she jumped on my bed. She snuggled in for a morning nap after filling her belly. My bed sets beside a sliding glass door that looks out on the Poplar in the back yard. Just as the cat closed her eyes, I saw a Robin land on the shed roof next to the Poplar.

I don’t know how my cat saw the Robin with her eyes closed. There wasn’t a sound to alert her. Her body tensed, her hair stood on end, and she started making that chattering sound that cats make when all-systems-are-go, and there’s a victim to be trounced upon. Her instincts kicked in. She went from full belly/drowsy eyes to ready to pounce in 2.3 seconds.

That is the power of instinct.

I didn’t babysit much as a teenager. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to hold babies. Truth is, I was afraid of babies and their needs and their vulnerability. I didn’t think they were particularly cute, and they smelled weird.

As I got older, I got to a place where I actually wanted a baby. It was a foreign concept and a new feeling for me. I felt this longing, but I couldn’t conceptualize why I wanted this thing that I hadn’t been interested in. I won’t go into the clock ticking and the insatiable hunger and that stuff. It was just this low-grade hum that kept telling me, “You want this. Your life isn’t complete without this.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
5
Jun 10

Sitting On The Sidelines

Sometimes I have wished that I could take the messy parts of life, put them in a cardboard box, seal the box with packing tape and put it on a high shelf in the garage. It isn’t realistic to send the box out with the trash. Oh, if we could just get a reprieve from thinking about that stuff. I’d label the box with a thick, black Sharpie – “Do Not Open Until Mentally Prepared to Deal”. The box would collect dust. I’d move it occasionally. I’d take it down and think I was ready to open it. I’d take a box cutter and slit the tape and just the opening of the top would let a vapor into the garage. The vapor would cloud everything, and I’d grab the tape and hurriedly seal the box back up. I’d put the box back on the shelf, wait for the vapor to dissipate and tell myself that in another couple weeks, I’d better be able to handle the contents of the box.

My mom came and metaphorically put all my’ Mark Junk’ in a plastic grocery bag and took it to her house. She hatched a plan, and because I’m overwhelmed and weighted down, I let her take the grocery bag to her house. I didn’t just let her, I helped put the junk in the bag. I may have even put the bag in her car.

What was she thinking?

I think a few folks wondered if I actually did throw – as in send flying across the room and crash-landing against a wall – a couple plates, during a phone call with Mark. That was a reference to my vacation zen post where I spoke of visualizing a stack of plates balanced precariously on my head. Balancing the ‘virtual’ plates was a way to maintain focus, not get myself riled, and stay on course. I lost my focus in the conversation with Mark, but I didn’t literally throw any plates. The only object I’ve ever thrown AT another person was a fork. I was 11 my brother was 9. He was incredibly brother-like, I was incredibly big sister-like, I lost patience and threw a fork at him. My aim was, and still is, lousy. I broke a pane out of the french glass door.

And when I was telling my mom about losing it with Mark, I made reference to the fact that every time I try to communicate something to Mark about how the kids are feeling, “I might as well be squirting lighter fluid on burning briquettes.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / Tools — 6 Comments
31
May 10

homekeeping 5

stop I did it. Saturday night I dropped some plates. I’m not proud of myself, but there it is. Actually, I didn’t so much drop them as fling them against the wall. Only two of ’em. I can’t glue them back together. I will carry on with the four remaining plates.

Here’s the non-venting version of where we are. Kids are scheduled for a visit with the counselor on Wednesday. Mark is not scheduled for more visits. Mark doesn’t see why the kids need to see the counselor. He thought last week’s visits went well. He doesn’t understand why Jenny has her heart broken by the fact that Will got a landslide of goodies from Mark. We found the ideal bike for Jen. I talked to Mark and told him that Jen fell in love with a bike, “She said you are buying her a bike, can she please have this bike?” Mark said, “That’s not the bike I’m getting for Jen. I have selected a different bike. I will be buying the bike that I select, not the bike that Jen wants.”

First plate thrown.

Mark said, “You mean to tell me that Jen won’t talk to me because I won’t buy her the bike she wants? The visits went well last week. Let me talk to her. Why won’t she talk to me? Will won’t talk to me, either? Why won’t they talk to me? That’s it. I’m calling my lawyer.”

I should have said, “Go for it Mark. I’m sure you retained the one lawyer on the planet that will be capable of making your kids like you.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
May 10

Venting Prevents Action

“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.”

And so we continue this bizarre odyssey of trying to navigate a relationship with a guy who is completely clueless about how to relate to his kids.

Mark purchased a new set of golf clubs, new hiking boots, and is shopping for new running shoes for Will. Nice, right? He took Jenny to get a pair of earrings, and said, “Some day I’ll have to get you a bike.” Then he turned to me and said, “Does she need new shoes?” He was standing right next to Jen, but he didn’t ask her that question. Jen looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any good running around shoes.” But he didn’t hear her. He wasn’t listening for an answer to the question he’d asked.

Instead of relating to or listening to his beautiful kids, he buys them things. This isn’t a new thing for divorced couples. But most divorced adults might be cognizant enough to realize that the gift buying should approach fairness, to some degree.

Now, of course, Jen thinks that Mark loves Will more. Will is crying because he feels bad for his sister. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
27
May 10

Beauty Through the Act of Loving

imperfect-beauty Yesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am. It was a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where it came from. Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed. Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop. Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet. I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on. The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid. In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me. This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth. Both of those expressions are over-used. But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be.

warning: I took a challenge to write 2500 words today. I’ve never struggled with coming up with the words. I usually cut myself off in an effort to make my post more manageable (less tiresome). This will be LONG. Get a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or a milkshake, or skip it all together and haunt one of your favorite, less wordy sites.

So in response to my ‘beauty’ post, I got some warm, loving, complimentary comments from dear friends and dear family. I didn’t want it to appear that I was writing that post to fish for compliments. I guess I’m a better fisherwoman (why isn’t fisherwoman in spellcheck?) than I thought. (I can cast a fly line pretty well, but I never catch much. I can put a worm on a hook, but I’m usually busy sipping my beer, and I don’t see the tug on the pole.) The comments were extraordinarily nice, and they made me very uncomfortable, just as any kind of compliment has always made me uncomfortable.

And as I was responding to my intelligent, beautiful cousin this morning the pistons in my still sleepy brain fired and I was hit by another thought.

(‘Beautiful’ and ‘intelligent’ are descriptors for all the women who commented on my post yesterday. Thanks Mom, Donna, Lucy, Kate and Jessica. I’m sure these apply to Jessica, even though I don’t know her well. Yet. Just as they apply to all the women that I am proud to know.) Continue reading →