narcissistic behavior « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

Homekeeping / Moving On / Tools — 1 Comment
20
Apr 10

homekeeping 3

jennys-bouquet A long time ago, I realized I couldn’t really boss my kids around. Oh sure, I could, but I’d be annihilating their spirits in the process. I’m not that kind of mom. There are probably a lot of parents that do a great job being the boss all the time (I doubt it), and it’s good for the three of us to remember that I am the boss. But, there is a lot of truth in being selective about which battles to pick.

THAT is why I love this blog.

I can boss it around. I can ignore it. I can feed it or not. I can tell it how to look, and what to wear and what to say. And I can tell it when to shut up. I can tell it when it’s getting too big for it’s britches. I can comfort it when it needs to be comforted. And I can ignore it when it gets whiny.

Ultimately, I am the boss of where this blog goes. Cool. Scary. Fun.

So far my battles have been with the tech aspects… css, downloading files (where do they go?), and all the behind the scenes stuff. Perhaps I could/should have been more selective in what I’ve written, but then blogs are like TVs. The reader holds the remote. (Is that the faint sound of clicking I hear? The sound of someone moving on to another site?) Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Narcissist Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me — 7 Comments
13
Apr 10

Grasping At Straws

Dear friends,

I want to write something positive. I want to inspire. I want to get my head above water. I need to regroup. I will write once I find a porthole.

In the meantime, my mom sent me something that is particularly appropriate. I hope you laugh. We can always make some room for a chuckle.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
12
Apr 10

As The Narcissist’s World Turns

Dammit. I don’t really want to write about this. I so want to be done with all of this. It is more of what I’ve already written. It is more of what others have already written on the subject of narcissism. But I have made a commitment to myself, and ultimately, to anyone who takes the time to read this blog – that person who, in the middle of the night, when sleep won’t come, desperately searches the internet in hopes of finding answers. This is for those who still cling to the possibility that things could work out, that hope and goodness will prevail.

I have to write for them.

It started Sunday morning when the kids opened their in-boxes. Mark wrote them each an email. In Will’s email, he explained that I had indicated that Will would be calling. Mark twisted things around, again, and made it sound like we were wanting the dust to settle, and would get in touch when we were ready. He forgot the part about the kids expecting initiative and change on Mark’s part. Mark’s email to Jen sounded like he was picking up where he’d left off, and that nothing had ever happened.

So… the kids wrote emails saying they did not want to see him until he made it clear that he was ready to treat Jen like she’s seven years old, and that he demonstrates to Will that he is ready to make Jen and Will priorities. The kids were pretty agitated that Mark would expect that he wouldn’t have to do anything, and that everyone would pick up where things had been left.

We’ve seen this too many times. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 8 Comments
6
Apr 10

Life Lessons and Lamb Poop

4-minutes-old “And that is another great example of how there are so many different ways to make a living.” My grandfather used to say that. He’d had his share of different careers – mechanic, draftsman, lumber yard manager and more that I can’t remember. We’d be playing Yahtzee, visiting about someone we both knew, and he’d marvel at how the world was changing and people were finding new and interesting ways to make a living.

Today the kids and I got to see a way of life that hasn’t changed much. A dear friend invited us to see what goes on during lambing. It was 39 degrees with low gray clouds that just started to release snow when we pulled up to the old barn. There were sheep everywhere, and lambs anywhere from two minutes old to a couple days old.

I wasn’t sure how Jen and Will would take to the whole thing. It was cold and muddy and smelly and wet.

They jumped right in.

They could hardly wait to scoop up these newborn lambs. They got to bottle feed the bum lambs – the ones that are rejected by their moms. It requires a thick skin to do this for a living – you can’t possibly save all the rejected lambs. I thought we’d end up with a car full of new pets. It can be cruel, but the process is so labor-intensive and exhausting, that it doesn’t leave much time for tears over the sickly ones. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
5
Apr 10

Celebrate

Phyllis,

Congratulations on your Independence Day.

You are amazing!!!

sending hugs and bouquets …

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 29 Comments
5
Apr 10

When ‘Go To Hell’ Doesn’t Cut It

Will looked at me and said, “I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!” Stupidly, I said, “What did you just say?” Then his chubby little fingers handed me his juice pouch while his humongous brown eyes peered through his Harry Potter glasses, and he frustratedly said, “Mom! I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!”

We were surrounded by little preschoolers, their adoring parents and the preschool teacher. It was just a few days after a couple parents approached me about the possibility of my taking the position of President of our little parent-run preschool. I grabbed Will’s juice pouch, muttered something under my breath while looking down so that none of them would notice that I was blushing, poked the straw in the pouch, and was squirted with a steady stream of sugary apple juice – my payment for being a ‘bad’ mommy.

__________

I try to work on my language. I think I’m making progress. I never have been convinced that saying bad words is any kind of an indication of a character flaw. However, with two little people that parrot everything I do and say, it behooves me to rein in on the language a bit.

While I do release the occasional f-bomb, I don’t direct it at others. Continue reading →

Moving On — 3 Comments
3
Apr 10

Survivor Encouragement or ‘You Go Girl’

Yesterday I received an email from Phyllis. She’s facing a difficult weekend. This would be a wonderful time to send a bunch of good words her way. She is not yet divorced, but her husband has been living in a different town. Today he is due to come by her house. I can hear apprehension in her email.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you have read a bit about Phyllis. She is an absolute dear, and a brave woman. Her Independence Day is April 5th – the one year anniversary of leaving her narcissistic husband. It has not been easy. She has doubted her decision many times.

Phyllis has a marvelous sense of humor, so if mushy isn’t your thing, send her a funny quote or a joke. If you’ve never commented before, this is a great time to do so. Send some good words to Phyllis. You’ll bolster her on this difficult journey, and you’ll see how sending kind words to someone else ends up making you feel better, too.

Phyllis has a son and a daughter who are a tremendous support for her. But, this weekend she could use all the encouragement she can get. Please think about sending a couple kind words to Phyllis, in the comment section below.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Recipes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
2
Apr 10

Mexican Salad and ‘The Good Witch’

mexican-salad What is worse – having a narcissistic father that fights for custody and makes the kids’ lives miserable on a daily basis, or having a narcissistic father who wants nothing to do with his children, if they won’t do things his way? I think Will and Jenny have it better. While they will certainly be hurt by the fact that their dad can so easily walk away, they won’t have to deal with the day-to-day dismissals of who they are. They won’t have Mark belittling them or using them as extensions of himself.

In Mark’s lengthy email, he had asked me what I proposed as a solution to this problem – like he’d actually entertain any of my suggestions. He hinted at the possibility of resorting to calling lawyers again, and forcing visitation. I speculated that things would go something like this:

He wouldn’t call the attorney because, after himself, and above all else, money is the most important thing to him. Attorneys cost money.
He would not agree to adapt his behavior in an effort to have a better relationship with these two precious people.
I guessed that he would not address any of the kids’ requests. I was pretty convinced that he’d tell them he was trying his best and that he loved them. Then, as per usual, he would not call a couple days and wait for the dust to settle. Then, on about the fifth day of no contact, he’d call, and with his sing/song voice, he’d invite them to do something, pretending like nothing had ever happened.

I did not guess that he would walk away from his kids. I did not let myself believe that he was as low as he apparently is. I did not see that coming, even though I have written about the fact that, if the accommodator stops being the source, the narcissist will completely dismiss her, and search for a new source. And there lies the trap in all this. As schooled as I may think I am in all this narcissism stuff, there is still something (frickin’ Lizard Brain) that makes it hard to comprehend that another individual – someone I thought I knew, and loved – is capable of such things.

__________ Continue reading →

Homekeeping — Comments Off
31
Mar 10

homekeeping 2

talent-stamps I don’t like watching people eat live, slimy, crawling insects. In the old days, I watched the reality TV show, Survivor, with Mark. I haven’t checked out a reality show since. I’m not a snob. I just don’t get the fascination. Actually, I liked the part of Survivor where the contenders talked about their families, and I did like watching the dynamics of the groups at play. With each new season, it seemed to be less about interacting and more about eating creepy crawly things, so I lost interest. That being said, I’ve noticed that this blog strongly resembles reality TV. At least I’m sparing you the bad clothes and the smelly bathroom details.

I started this blog as a way to vent, and then process. Jen, Will and I were developing, and still are developing, some great tools for dealing with narcissism. First, it was about dealing with their dad’s narcissistic behaviors. The blog continues to be about their relationship with their dad, and ultimately my relationship with their dad, since you never really come to the end of a relationship with an ex. /:(

More recently, this blog has also been a significant tool that helps me figure out how to be in a healthy relationship, or least what I need to change about how I have been in relationships.

I have an image of this blog representing a tunnel. It’s a pretty dark tunnel, but it isn’t damp or cold, and we have each other. The kids and I are making it through this tunnel hand-in-hand. More than once-in-awhile, there are portholes in the walls of the tunnel. They shed some light on our path. These portholes are the tools that we’ve gathered – good words and small practices that we do in a day to help us stay positive. The portholes are also all the encouragement from those who comment and those who support us in our daily lives.

There is a faint sound in this tunnel. I think it comes from the end. It sounds like a breeze rustling leaves on trees, and birds fluttering and chirping, and a creek running nearby. It sounds like a great place to be. The three of us want to get there. We are making steady progress. Just ask Donna. She sent me this note a couple days ago. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
30
Mar 10

Homeschooling and Wasbands

Do you remember the classic “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson that has the funky woman talking a blue streak to her dog, and it shows what the dog hears? The dog only hears, “blah blah blah blah, Ginger. blah blah blah blah, Ginger.” It’s 2:30 and I can’t sleep. I got up to write and was greeted by a 1500 word email that was written by Mark.

__________

At the risk of further cementing my membership in the loosely knit Association of Homeschooling Weirdos, I have to tell you what I most love about this homeschooling business. There is nothing quite like being there when they first grasp a concept. I get to be there when that light bulb goes off, and they understand what’s in front of them, and they are filled with pride and possibility. It’s like the looks on their faces when they learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike. It’s something I don’t want to miss.

A few weeks ago, I was helping Will with fractions. I love math. I love the fluidity and fuzzy boundaries of dealing with people and relationships. But when I’m in over my head with that relationship crap, I like to turn to something certain, like math. Even Will says he likes math because, “There’s one right answer.” Sometimes it’s nice to know there is ONE right answer. So we were adding different fractions with different denominators and I was explaining that you have to “get the fractions speaking in the same language – in the same denominator.” I have a decent understanding of what their learning styles are, and what approaches work best for helping them learn. But, I was having a bit of a struggle with the fractions. I put my pencil down, walked out into the living room to take a deep breath, and figure out a new approach, and I came back with a new angle. Suddenly the light bulb went off, and he whizzed through the rest of the exercise. It was fun for both of us. We found a common language, and it was a thing of beauty.

NEWS FLASH: There is NO common language with a narcissist. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 11 Comments
29
Mar 10

Lizard Brain Be Damned!

Last week when we were struggling, Pat sent me some timely reminders, which points to the fact that this blog is becoming a communal effort. I hope others are benefiting as much as the three of us.

The first is actually from a link on my site.

…do not expect them (narcissists) to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings…

I don’t think I’ve written a single post that demonstrates Mark’s interest in the kids. It’s pretty clear that he expects them to be a source for his narcissism, and so he’ll feign interest to secure that source. But that interest isn’t genuine, and is subject to withdrawal should the kids fail to meet his standards or stop providing the consistent source that he needs. At one point, when I was still trying to facilitate the kids’ relationship with Mark, he reminded me that, “He just doesn’t like to be around people that don’t like him.” None of us is comfortable hanging where we feel we aren’t liked. He just requires a greater deal of liking than the rest of us. He requires that we like him above all other things. And he won’t stick around unless he feels he’s liked more than anything else.

Incidentally, the kids haven’t heard from Mark since the fabulous skiing episode. Apparently they didn’t like him enough after that adventure. And as I write this, they are both putzing around the house singing, “Busy Being Fabulous“, by the Eagles. I don’t make this stuff up. I swear. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
28
Mar 10

The Wise Father

It is a wise father who knows his own child.

William Shakespeare

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 11 Comments
28
Mar 10

The Mom as Dad

“What’s it like to have a good dad?”

“I don’t know, sweetie.”

“How is it being the mom and the dad?” It sucks.

I can’t throw a football with a decent spiral. I don’t know the first thing about bow hunting. I just don’t understand why burping and farting is always funny. I could learn these things. I could practice and be a mom that throws an amazing spiral, but my plate is full. I want to be a wonderful mom, but dammit, I don’t want to be a wonderful dad. And I can’t be. It’s not the same. I don’t know if a boy even wants to brag about his mom being able to drive a golf ball 275 yards. Not that I can.

The morning after the fabulous ski day with their dad, the kids were working on a fun collaboration where they were filming each other as they told about their dreams. As luck (?) would have it, the night of the skiing incident, Jenny dreamt that John was her dad. He taught her magic tricks and told her exciting stories, and listened as she talked about whatever popped into her head. So Will was filming her as she gave the details of a bizarre adventure that included the three of us and John in some old, resort-like house with lots of hiding places. The house was inhabited by these little gnome people that were made out of clay and they spent their days making wooden furniture. She included enough details to make me think that I ought to phone Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.

In the middle of having her dream talk filmed, she burst into tears. I figured maybe Will had done something to piss her off. (They spend a great deal of time together.) She came to sit on my lap and told me, through big streaming tears, “I just want a good dad.”

So the three of us sat and talked about what a good dad is, and here is their list. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
27
Mar 10

Due To Lack of Interest

“Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been canceled.” My mom had a cartoon, with that caption, pinned to the bulletin board in the kitchen. I was old enough to read, and I’d look at that and I thought it was real. I really thought that if we weren’t interested in anything, the world would end. My mom was interested in her job, and keeping the house together. I was interested in Barbies and having tea parties. My brother was interested in Hot Wheels and shooting gophers. I guess I figured we were doing our parts. But that damn cartoon kept me up a lot of nights. Could tomorrow really be canceled? How do we keep that from happening? Maybe that’s why I’m interested (some might call me nosey) in other people and their lives. I’m hoping that if I’m interested enough, tomorrow won’t be canceled.

After a fabulous day in the sunshine, skiing with two amazing people who picked me to be their mom, I came to a conclusion. We are beyond absolutely fine. We thrive on not having to deal with Mark. In fact, we flourish.

This is where I am, right at this moment:

“Due to lack of interest*, tomorrow** has been canceled.”

* Mark’s lack of interest in Jenny and Will Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me — 14 Comments
25
Mar 10

Another One Last Try

“Jenny will not go skiing with you tomorrow unless you promise to not talk to her in the baby voice. She asked me to call you and she needs you to promise. Can you do that for her?”

Tuesday afternoon found Mark over for another visit. The weather was nice. They threw the football and played on the swings at the park. They seemed to enjoy each other. Mark and Will came in the house to ask if it would be okay for the kids to go skiing with their dad on Wednesday. I knew I was staring at a potential disaster, but until the kids could tell me that they didn’t want to go, I wasn’t going to stand in the way. My only comment was that Mark would have to ski the gentler runs all day because of Jen’s ability. He said, “Well I haven’t been able to ski with my little girl all year, and I really want to see how she’s doing.” Of course that sounded like he’s been wanting to ski with her, but really the three of us know that he hasn’t skied with her because he prefers the more challenging stuff.

Jenny still remembers the one time we saw him up there this year. He asked if he could ski a run with us because he wanted to see how Jen was progressing. She got very excited. We got off the chair lift, waited for Mark, she made three turns and he yelled, “Good job, Honey. Don’t forget to lead with your toe. I’ll catch ya later.” And he found a cut off that led to a black diamond run. Jen asked me where he went. I was stuck telling her that he chose to go down a different run.

Just this week I read a post on Kelly Diels‘ blog about how you can’t teach people how to treat you. I never have had any luck with that. But when it comes to my kids, I have to do something. And since I can’t tie their dad up, and drag him behind my car down the nearest county road, I thought I’d try teaching him. One more time.

So I made the call, explained that Jen didn’t want to go skiing, but that if he could promise to talk to her like the grown up little girl that she is, she would reconsider. And he said, “Well, she’s my little girl and I love her.” Okay. I know that. I gave him some more time to think about it. He didn’t offer anything, so I said, “Do you think you can put aside the baby voice tomorrow?” He hesitated and said he would try. Continue reading →