She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself. She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.”
It just happened.
Like so many things just happen.
Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior
28
Nov 11
Ignore the Two Steps Back
One step forward, two steps back.
One step forward, two steps back.
One step for……
I know, already!
Yet I can be found grumbling, kicking rocks and beating myself up with each one of those steps taken back.
My cheerleader voice says:
“Focus on the progress.”
“See how far you’ve come.”
“Hello, Girl! You are way better off now than you were five years ago!”
“It’s okay to slip up once in awhile.”
And because I was never a cheerleader in real life – is high school real life? – I gravitate to the curmudgeon side of me that says:
“Why do you let him get to you?”
“Wow, Jesse, way to emulate grace and poise,” in a most facetious tone.
“Hello? Have you forgotten what the pattern is here?”
And then the wise old soul in me – the one who lightens up, the one who doesn’t take all this shit too seriously, the one gently encouraged by the Universe, the one whose cup is empty says:
“Jesse, it’s okay.”
“That’s what it’s like to be human.”
“Slip-ups happen on the way to progress.”
“You are showing your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, own it, and move on.”
“Remember that thing about the bitter and the sweet?”
“Just keep moving, honey, and don’t put so damn much emphasis on those two steps back.”
31
Oct 11
Scary
Scary is having your son’s 1st grade teacher ask you if there are problems at home that might explain your son’s nervous tic.
Scary is loosing contact with family and friends because your husband doesn’t like you to keep in touch over the phone or have company come for dinner.
Scary is not being able to sleep because you fear the treatment you’ll receive the next day because you will – once again – disappoint him and fail to meet his expectations.
Scary is believing that you have done something to bring about the treatment you are receiving.
Scary is staring out the window while sipping the morning’s first cup of coffee and realizing that the emptiness you feel every day is what you are going to feel for the rest of your life, if you don’t get out of this situation.
Scary is realizing you have forgotten who you are.
Scary is finally getting the courage to write him a letter explaining your fears and desperation, only to have him tell you that the issues are yours and he’ll support you in your efforts to fix them.
Scary is believing you don’t deserve any better.
Scary is knowing that your husband can’t see his own children for who they are, but tries to mold them into what he wants them to be.
Scary is knowing that if you stay, your children’s spirits will be snuffed out.
Scary is feeling so frightened and desperate that you pack your bags and leave the house you’ve lived in for thirteen years without having a backup plan.
Scary is knowing everyone thinks you are crazy for leaving such a wonderful person.
Scary is getting out, and fearing you’ll end up in another relationship with a narcissist.
20
Oct 11
Selective Ignorance
Who am I to question the wise words of Maya Angelou?
When I discovered that quote, it didn’t sit right with me, and yet I still posted it. Now, I’m wondering if I posted her quote because I wish – with all my heart – that we could allow kids to be uninformed. (I like uninformed better than ignorant.)
I wish my kids could waltz through their childhoods believing in the mischievousness of Larry the Leprechaun, the eternal kindness and generosity of Santa and the mystery of the Tooth Fairy without having to know the darker sides of human nature.
I’d love nothing more than for them to think all teachers are as endearing as Miss Honey.
I want them to sail through these years without having to know what sexting is. I want Will to go to the skate park without my having to define the terms he finds written in spray paint in the bowls of the park. I want Jenny to be able to wear her hair in braided pigtails without other girls teasing her that she still dresses like a little girl. Continue reading →
16
Oct 11
Ignorance is Bliss
Children’s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
– Maya Angelou
14
Oct 11
A Different Version of Normal
At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.
At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.
…
Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done. Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.
Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates. There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni. There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears. Continue reading →
10
Oct 11
Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?
As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.
“Hey, you!” Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.
She said, “Hey, yourself! I never walk this time of the day.”
I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”
She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”
*Gulp!*
(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.” I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”
__________
She is an acquaintance and a published author.
While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.
I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.
Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format! The quotes and pictures round out the whole message. How is it selling?”
*Gulp.*
Then she said, “Your message will find the right people. You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last. You showed how that balance is necessary. There’s a lot written about that right now. It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”
We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.
__________
As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”
Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening – I said, “Huh? Who?”
She said, “The narcissist. Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”
My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”
What other sane reason could there be?
This time I didn’t offer that explanation. I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”
She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”
3
Oct 11
Serendipity in a Story
Through tears she asked, “How come he says other kids do things well, but he can’t say that about me? How come he doesn’t think I’m great? What do I have to do to get him to say those things about me?”
Will turned to me and said, “Mom, you have to call him. Tell him! Tell him he needs to say that stuff about Jenny. Tell him it hurts Jen’s feelings when he brags about other kids and doesn’t talk about what Jen does. Call him!”
I asked Will to hand Jenny a kleenex.
“Honey, I can call your dad if that’s what you want. I can talk to him about this – again. If you think that will help you to feel better, I’ll do it.”
She wiped her tears and said, “It never does any good. It never makes a difference. He won’t change. He doesn’t hear us. What’s the point?” Continue reading →
28
Sep 11
Sound Advice
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
- If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
- If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
- Your gut always tells the truth.
- If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
- If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
- Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
- Respect has nothing to do with age.
- It doesn’t need to be this hard.
- If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
- If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
- It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
- It’s okay to not like everyone.
- If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
- Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
- Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
- They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
- Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
- Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
- There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
- There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early. (See above on sleep and makeup.)
- Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
- We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
20
Sep 11
Settle Down
She came home from work with a story to share. She was animated and expressive. Her emotions were out in full force. She was starring in her own one-act play about an event from her day. She couldn’t wait to share it with him.
She’d always loved when he shared his stories. She knew he would give her his full attention.
She never could talk without moving her hands, and as she got wound up with the telling of the details, she was gesturing and demonstrating and waving and pointing and gasping for breaths.
He looked up from the newspaper and said,”Whoa, girl, settle down!” Continue reading →
15
Sep 11
I Am Not A Goddess
“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time.
If someone set us down in front of a block of stone and said, “Here, get going. Create a magnificent relief of a Goddess, and don’t get up until you’re done,” that would be daunting. But if that block of stone came with instructions to create a Goddess by chipping away a little each day, the project wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming.
The work we’ve done didn’t happen overnight. You didn’t just wake up and decide to get the clear picture, stand in the wind and dust on this plateau, stretch your arms and legs, fill your lungs with fresh air, and jump onto a new path.
This has been a long time in the making. Every choice and path correction has led to this point. Continue reading →
6
Sep 11
It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone
When he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…
When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…
When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…
When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →
26
Aug 11
Secret Makings of a Happy Ending
The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop. The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue. The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.
__________
She wrote detailed plans for her new future. She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.
She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls. She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.
She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →
15
Aug 11
Walls, Fences and Structures
An excerpt from Seeing My Path.
… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.
The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.
I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.
. . .
The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.
On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.
What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?
What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?
Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?
Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.
*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.
It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)
11
Aug 11
Seeing My Path
We ran out of Fritos.
Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake. The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.
We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!
I know! I said I was going to write this book.
I did it!
This book is all new content!
There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.
__________
I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.
I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post. Soon.
In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book. Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us. Thank you for your compassion and wise words.
I am blessed to have you touch my life.
Pass the cake!
Edit: 5/31/21
The sidebar includes links to free copies of my e-books. Please help yourself.
