Posts Tagged: NPD
13
Nov 10
Holding Our Breath
We think we’re turning a corner, but you’re always holding your breath.
Doug Allen
11
Nov 10
A Whispered Update
Yesterday marked three weeks since the Wednesday morning meeting with Mark.
During the last three weeks, the kids have received one email, and several (not daily) phone calls from Mark. The calls have varied from short and terse, to lengthy and pleasant. Mark has not pressured them to see him. They have not asked to see him.
They have returned his calls when he has asked them to do so in a message.
They have not called of their own accord.
The mood in our house, is light and without pressure. Continue reading →
10
Nov 10
What Should They Be?
If we would amend the world, we should mend ourselves; and teach our children to be, not what we are, but what they should be.
William Penn
5
Nov 10
Canoeing Over Class 5 Rapids
I never got the hang of water skiing. I tried. I only ever managed to cling to the rope while I was drug around the lake, ending up with extra long arms to prove how hard I tried.
I’ve kayaked once, canoed a few times, and rafted more times than I care to mention.
I’m more the lazy canoe or solo kayak type.
Perhaps I am a control freak, or maybe it’s just that I don’t like being spilled over the edge of some rubber flotation device, forced to drink a gallon of river plankton, while scraping the flesh off my shins, all by noon.
I thought of my relationship to water when I took my kids down by the river yesterday to do a little fresh air home schooling. Continue reading →
22
Oct 10
Permission To Move On
The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening. I felt her warm breath on my ear.
This is what I heard her say:
“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job. I’m proud of you for doing your best. I know this was hard for you. You got through to him as much as you possibly can. He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it. You knew that when you married him, and you know that now.
You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can. I don’t expect any more from you. Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children. You have avoided the negativity as long as you could. You tried tenderness and compassion.
It’s time for you to move on.”
__________ Continue reading →
20
Oct 10
The Thing Is…
The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me. He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me. At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.
The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me. But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.
The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing. But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies. I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed. Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.
The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing. But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of going to counseling. When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.
He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone. Continue reading →
17
Oct 10
It’s All Perception
“Clean up this mess! How can we expect to have people over if this is what this place looks like? Are we Pigs, here? Can’t we put some order to this place?”
That is not what I said. It is what I have thought. I’m careful to not call it a ‘mess’, or ‘junk’. I know she loves all her stuff.
Yes, it makes me crazy.
I can be heard saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough. We need to find where this stuff lives. It’s my house, too. I love that you feel comfortable enough to explore, create, play and be, but at some point, I want to walk through the living room.”
I am done making excuses to friends. Continue reading →
14
Oct 10
Drip, Drip, Drip
This chronically, unresolved stressful stuff with Mark is like a leaky faucet.
When we’re busy, we don’t hear the constant dripping. When the music is turned up loud, I’d swear the plumber had been here today. When we’re having dinner at mom’s, I might comment that I really ought to call a plumber, but 20 minutes into our visit, I’ve forgotten about the faucet.
I’ve asked several friends to recommend a good plumber. I’ve checked the yellow pages.
When lessons are completed, the skateboard rests, and Barbie is tucked away for the day, the dripping is relentless. We can hear it from every corner of the house. When the three of us are tucked safely into our beds, all we can hear is the incessant DRIPPING. We’ve gotten quite comfortable sleeping with pillows pressed to our ears.
When I’m lying in bed listening to the drip, I am convinced I need to call a plumber. I know that if I attacked that faucet with a wrench, we’d have a geyser on our hands. We’d have a flood instead of an annoying drip, drip, drip. But, damn, plumbers cost a lot of money.
The three of us looked for a new house the other night. We were on the internet, looking at new houses with shiny faucets, in new towns, in far away states. Why does moving to a new state frighten me less than calling a plumber and tackling this drip head on? Continue reading →
8
Oct 10
What Was I Thinking?
After six months of almost daily, intense togetherness, he told me he didn’t like seeing me in skirts and boots.
I thought it was sweet that he felt comfortable enough with me, to feel that it was okay to tell me that he’d like me to change my wardrobe.
After we’d been together eight months, he started saying derogatory things about my family and friends. I’d start to gently defend my peeps, and he’d try to convince me that his view was accurate.
I thought he wanted the best for me. I thought that since he was so amazing, maybe his view of my family and friends was accurate.
He didn’t like to go out to restaurants, go to movies, or spend money on entertainment. He would question my purchase of a book, CD, or magazine. Continue reading →
4
Oct 10
What Would You Do?
The attorney (that I will not be retaining) wondered if I’d considered asking Mark if there might be a way for us to resolve this situation without incurring ridiculous court costs. She wondered if there might be a way for us to agree on a parenting schedule.
I wanted to say, “What color is the sky in your world? Don’t you think we’ve tried that? Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have this kind of money to spend?”
But because I continue to try, and because it certainly wouldn’t make things worse to try one more time, I emailed Mark.
I told him I’d found an attorney. I told him that the attorney strongly suggested that we seek more counseling for the kids. She believes we need to get to the bottom of the allegations before determining a parenting plan. I asked if he thought there was a way we could do this outside of a court room.
Thirty hours later, I received an uncharacteristically short email from Mark that read, “Do what you need to do. I’ll do the same.” Continue reading →
1
Oct 10
I’m Not Crazy
You can’t stand that sound anymore. It’s driving you crazy. The car has been making a noise – a thudda-thudda-ping sound. It’s been making that sound for awhile. The kids hear it over their arguments about which radio station to tune in. Your mom has heard it when you take her to lunch. The guy at the gas station has heard it. The neighbors heard it.
So you take it to a mechanic. He drives it around the block and says, “Ma’am, cars make noises. You can’t drive a car and not expect it to make a noise. I’m the expert, I know how cars sound. Your car is fine. This is what you should expect. Here are your keys.”
You start to say, “But, no, really. I can hear it. It sounds like this. It’s making that sound all the time. You really don’t know. You have to hear it.”
He loses patience and says, “Ma’am, cars are noisy. Have a good day.”
You get back in the car, and it makes the thudda-thudda-ping sound again, as you drove away in search of a new mechanic. Continue reading →
27
Sep 10
On Crawl Spaces and Ex-Husbands
I’m plugging along, making sure my shoe laces are tied, minding my manners, remembering to cross my t’s and dot my i’s, when suddenly Mark swoops in and screws up my happy parade. For a long time, Mark had me convinced that my little parade didn’t matter. My parade was simply the precursor to his main event.
Because I grew to believe he was right, I still occasionally forget that my parade – stuff, projects, life – is important. It’s when I forget that my stuff is important that I let him send me into a tailspin.
That’s our history.
I start to veer too far of course – his course – and he has to yank me back to where he thinks I belong.
Even though this blog is proof that I have learned why I react the way I do, I still have work to do on my reactions to his swooping in and yanking. Continue reading →
25
Sep 10
On Tailspins and Rug-Pulling
It usually takes about 36 hours.
If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone. My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk. I’m down in the dark of a deep well. I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.
I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.
Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”
She usually responds. Continue reading →
22
Sep 10
If Only…
he’d quit insisting that it’s about wanting to see the kids more, and just admit that he wants to funnel less of his money in our direction.- he’d be honest and admit that he wants to modify our decree to better suit his schedule and financial picture.
- he’d realize that if he had a significant other, he wouldn’t have to harass us.
- he would get a significant other.
- he’d fall off a tall bridge into a shallow creek.
- I could quit letting the uncertainty of the outcome of this latest wrinkle put me in a crappy mood.
- I’d remember the blessings and bright spots instead of letting the fear cloud everything.
- we could move far away without the threat of someone trying to track us down.
- everyone in my family believed I was a genius for making the choice to home school Will and Jen.
- we’d actually had a summer and we weren’t already heading into winter.
- I could persuade Will to spend more time golfing and less time skateboarding.
- I hadn’t wasted so much time encouraging my kids to call or see their dad.
- I could get the book done, sell a kgillion copies and tell Mark where to put his child support.
- I didn’t have to spend my money to get us out of another mess with Mark.
- all the people I love would never be dealt any more than they can gracefully handle.
- the highly recommended attorney would return my call.
- I could wake up and not have to think about Mark.
- I could get Jenny to eat whatever I cooked.
- the three of us were invisible.
*Jenny was planning her Halloween costume. She gathered the pieces and then deliberately placed them on the living room floor. I had to take a picture. I kept looking at the outfit resting there, waiting for someone to put it on. Suddenly I thought, “That’s it! If we were invisible, he’d never be able to bug us again.”
What are your if onlys? Humor me, please. I could use it. ;)
