Posts Tagged: Parenting


1
Nov 10

What Did You Do?

crunchy-leavesIt’s November 1st.  The bathroom has yet to be painted.  The pumpkin vines are snaking through the dead tomato plants.  The leaves are piled against the west fence.  I have managed to put the Halloween decorations up on the shelf in the garage, but the Thanksgiving decorations are piled on a chair next to the dining room table, waiting for me to decide where to display them.

I have a tendency (you probably have that same tendency) to beat myself up for what I didn’t get done, instead of reveling in the things that I accomplished.

There were plenty of things on the list for 2010.

Many were crossed off.

The book isn’t done. Continue reading →


30
Oct 10

I Am A Minimalist Parent

At this moment, Jenny is entranced by the Tim Burton version of Alice In Wonderland. Will finished making a batch of pancakes and is downloading skateboarding videos.  Later, they’ll make a birthday card for their cousin, ride their bikes on this glorious Fall day, and go to a bowling birthday party.

I’m not rushing around taking them to soccer practice, a Boy Scout meeting, a dance recital or karate lessons.

I take a minimalist’s approach to parenting by not jamming their schedules with lessons and practices.

I take issue with kids having schedules.

I could over-schedule them and decide what they should pursue to try to pave the way for an enriched future full of interests. Continue reading →


31
Aug 10

Apron Strings and Mixed Messages

forest floorJust received an email from a dear friend.   Her youngest has gone off to college.  She lives on the other side of the country, and yet I can feel how her life has shifted in a plate tectonics sort of way.   I’d like to be camped at her house with cocktails, dinners, movies and whatever her favorite distractions may be.  I know that the gesture would be appreciated, but that’s the last thing she would want right now.

Our parenting styles are very similar.  That is to say, our worlds revolve around our kids, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m a recovering helicopter parent.  When Will was small, I obsessed about every bite he took, the length of every nap, and his clothing preferences.  I could tell you what kind of mood he was in by the expression on his face.  I knew his smell, the rumblings he muttered when he slept, his favorite songs, and his weird sign language that took the place of speech for a scary long time.

We seemed to communicate on a cellular level.

When Jenny came along, I was presented with a new being to cherish and obsess over.  I was in tune with her on a totally different, feminine level.  I read her moods, felt her needs and anticipated her wants before she had to express them. Continue reading →


7
Aug 10

For Our Daughters

I remember the first time she was placed in my arms. Even though I was weakened and exhausted from the process, I remember thinking that I’d never felt stronger.  I felt empowered to completely love and protect her with everything I had.  Nothing could stop me from creating the best possible environment so that she’d have the healthiest life.

I remember her scent, her warmth, her steely charcoal eyes, her long legs and tiny fingers.  I remember the dark, matted curls at the base of her tiny head.

My heart expanded to hold all the love I felt for her, to the point where I feared my heart might burst.

I felt more love than I thought possible.

Before she was born, I was afraid that since I showered so much love on Will, I would not have the same amount of love for Jenny.  The day Jen was born, I learned that I have an infinite amount of love. Continue reading →


6
Jun 10

When To Break From the Herd

Barbie at school I do  follow the rules in unfamiliar situations.  I read the signs, ask for directions, follow the guidelines and survey the expert opinions.  But once I’m in my comfort zone, I start to look at things differently.   I start to ask, “Why?”  I’m not trying to be belligerent.  I’m trying to understand if the reason something “has always been done that way” is really the right reason for doing it that way.

I ask a lot of questions.

Public school is the way that educating has always been done.  Is that the right way for the three of us?

I have a lot of questions.

The decision of home school versus public school is weighing heavily.  Actually, it wouldn’t weigh anything if my natural inclination was to follow the herd.  I wonder if the herd has all the answers.  Just because public school has always been the commonly accepted way to teach, can’t there be other good options for kids and moms on the fringe of the herd? Continue reading →


3
Dec 09

The Advent Calendar and Expectations

wreathI knew this woman who had three kids and every year at Christmas, she put up a lavish Advent Calendar.  She would wrap one present for each kid for each day on the calendar.  That’s 75 little packages.  I think she was running for the Mom Of The Year Award.  I’ve not seen her in awhile.  Maybe she buckled under the pressure of all those holiday expectations.

I made an Advent Calendar a few years ago.

Each day Will and Jenny open one envelope.  They take turns opening, since there is only one envelope for each day.  The envelope contains a little note that is their “present” for the day.  It’s not always a package to open, in fact, it usually isn’t.

The note might say:

  • Play games tonight.
  • Go to the library.
  • Soak your tootsies and watch a Christmas movie.
  • Put up the Christmas Tree.
  • Stay up late on a school night.
  • Go to Grandma and Grandpa’s and play Aggravation.
  • Look under the couch.  (They’ll each find a candy bar.)
  • Bake Christmas Cookies.
  • Continue reading →


21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures.  I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark.  Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them.  That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny.  It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos. 

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on. 

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids.  I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen.  As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that.  That’s why it took me so long to leave. 

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues.  I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing.  I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family.  Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life?  Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry.  But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids.  NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness.  We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself.  Continue reading →


18
Aug 09

Safety

friendsMy son returned safely from an adventure with his father.

This morning they left to go hiking and fishing.  I hate these days.  I feel like I’m holding my breath the whole time he’s gone.  When he returns, I greet him with open arms and excitedly ask about all the fun that was had and hope for details without prying too much.

There are two schools of thought about how to handle parenting when one parent is a narcissist.  One school strongly urges that there be NO visits.  I belong to the school that suggests that the children need tools for dealing with a narcissistic parent.  These adventures and visits are teaching my kids a lot.  But, there is always the issue of safety.

A narcissist completely lacks empathy for others.  Their dad doesn’t recognize that they may be frightened or nervous or uncomfortable with exposure on the side of a mountain.  He’s only thinking of himself, so their emotions aren’t part of his reality.

The other point is that the children are simply extensions of the narcissist.  If the N loves to show the world that he is the bravest pilot or the fastest skier, then his children must be brave, fast and fearless – whether they are, or not. Continue reading →