Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

What is Said and What is Heard

He said: Your face looks full with that haircut.

She heard: Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.

She said: That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.

He heard: That looks pretty good, BUT …

They said: Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?

She heard: You’re going to ruin them for life.

He said: I can’t live like this anymore.

She heard: Do things my way or I’m out of here.

He said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.

She heard: I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.

She said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.

He heard: It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.

He said: That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.

He heard: You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.

He said: Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.

She heard: If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.

They said: You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.

She heard: You are doing it all wrong.

He said: I like it better when you do it this way.

She heard: I don’t like you the way you are.

She said: I heard you, but we are doing it my way.

He heard: Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.

She said: Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.

They heard: We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.

They said: Love you.

She heard: Love you.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 31 Comments
18
Oct 12

The Tyranny of Narcissism

Guest Post by Zaira

Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.

I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.

There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.

Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:

“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Oct 12

What Would You Say?

She said, “Mom, how much longer do I have to do these dad visits?”

What would you say?

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
11
Oct 12

When Narcissists Carve Pumpkins

It’s highly unlikely that you’d get your favorite narcissist to spend an afternoon carving pumpkins with you. They have much more important things to do.

But… if you find yourself on a day when the stars have aligned, the weather isn’t nice enough to do anything else, and you’ve sourced/doted on/adored your narcissist enough, he may acquiesce.

If he agrees, be prepared to hear some of the following:

“Hey, let’s keep the mess on the table. Try to keep all the goo on the paper so it doesn’t get all over the house.”

“We don’t need those pattern thingys. Can’t you borrow some pumpkin carving tools from your mom? I don’t want to have to spend any more than I have to on this project. Besides, I can draw better than the folks that make those patterns.”

“Did you really just get pumpkin slime on your t-shirt?”

“Don’t draw the eyes so close together, that’s not what pumpkins look like.”

“We’ll keep these pumpkins at my house. You guys get your own.”

“Make the mouth bigger. You won’t be able to see it from the street.”

“No, that’s not how to do the eyes. Here, let me show you.”

“Hey, watch it! You got some on the floor.”

“Push up your sleeves. You’re getting it all over everything.”

“You guys aren’t listening to me.”

At this point, the narcissist sighs deeply, asks you to hand him your tools and says, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you two go watch a show and I’ll finish the pumpkins. That way they’ll be done right.”

On second thought, don’t ask your favorite narcissist if he wants to carve pumpkins with you.

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Quotes / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
14
Sep 12

On Understanding Your Beliefs

There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more
than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.

– Frank A. Clark

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
11
Sep 12

Explaining Narcissism to Kids

“How come he says I can use his camera, and then he tells me what pictures to take, and how to take ’em?”

“He can’t help it. He thinks what you do is part of who he is, and whatever he does has to look good to the rest of the world. That means that what you do has to look good, too. “

“Well why does he care so much about what the rest of the world thinks?”

“Because he doesn’t feel good about himself. If he can convince the world that he is awesome, then he’ll like himself better.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 7 Comments
5
Sep 12

The Anxiety of Narcissism

Guest Post by Zaira

A narcissist goes to the bar early on Saturday to watch a football game with his son, who is 9, and his friends. He proceeds to drink all day, so much so, that he is passed out by 7pm and doesn’t wake up until well after his child has put himself to bed.

His son has called his mother and pleaded to come home at that instant, but she is restricted by the court and cannot pick him up from this situation unless his father agrees. The son tried to wake his father up on numerous occasions with no response and is crying because he just wants permission to use the internet to entertain himself. He is lonely and afraid to even turn on the television because it is against his father’s rules.

If his mother was to act in the best interest of her child, she would be faced with another contempt of court action by the father and even though he has driven home drunk with his child in the car and left him unattended in his drunken stupor, the law would uphold his complaint and hold the mother in contempt.

The mother talks to her son as long as she can, promises not to tell that he turned on the television, has him check all the doors to make sure they are locked, and says bedtime prayers with him after he tucks himself in.

At 2-something am, apparently after he has finally slept off the alcohol, the narcissist berates his ex-wife in an email accusing her of being irresponsible. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
28
Aug 12

The Narcissism Survivor’s Tool Box

Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.

He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.

He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.

The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
24
Aug 12

On Being The Windshield

Sometimes your the windshield,
Sometimes your the bug.

-The Bug Lyrics
Mary Chapin Carpenter

A month ago, we told Mark that his scheduled visits weren’t working for us.

He had been the one to print the calendars and assign the visit days and hours per visit. He delivered the calendars sometimes two months in advance and, in most cases, refused to be flexible saying, “The calendar was printed two months ago. The kids know the schedule. There will be no changes or cancellations.”

Life doesn’t work that way – especially with curious, creative, active young people.

Cousins come to town and want to spend every waking – heck, even the sleeping – moment with cousins they see only once a year.

Friends call with invites to fish or solve mysteries or paint or golf or just hang out all day without plans. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
20
Aug 12

On French Braids, Golf Swings and Life

“I braid your hair almost every morning. How come today I can’t remember how to do this? It’s like my fingers checked out and they aren’t listening to my brain.”

I started over from the top. This time I quit thinking about it. I let my fingers do the work and thought about something else. I watched as my hands worked together – pulling in new strands and overlapping them.

“Hand me a ponytail holder. It’s done.”

Jenny laughed and asked, “How did you remember what to do?”

“I quit thinking about what to do and let my fingers do what they do every morning. I got my brain out of the way. I’ve been telling Will that he ought to do the same thing with his golf swing. He needs to quit thinking about it and just swing.” Continue reading →

Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting — 8 Comments
10
Aug 12

On Getting Out of Their Way

“Is it okay if I make a cake from scratch?”

“Yeah, honey, that’s okay. Are you okay if I work on this mess?”

“Sure! Then I can have the kitchen to myself.”

She asked a couple questions, pulled out the canisters and remembered to keep the dry ingredients separate from the wet.

“How much flour should I add?” Continue reading →

Parenting / Stories — 23 Comments
30
Jul 12

Mom, Why Would Somebody Hack Your Site?

“You guys, the site was hacked.”

“What do ya mean?”

“Somebody found a way to get into the site and change the coding.”

“How do ya know?”

“Aunt Pat called. She said she tried to open a post through Google Reader and the link to the post said something about Viagra. The Google search results are saying the site may be compromised.”

“What’s Viagra?”

“It’s a prescription a man might take to make his penis hard.”

“Why would a guy do that?”

“So he can have sex, I guess.”

“You need a prescription to have sex?”

“Nevermind.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“I’ll have to fix it. Maybe it’s time to start over.”

“But mom, the blog has helped you and us and other people. You’ve been working on that for three years.”

“It’ll be okay, mom. You lead a charmed life, remember.”

“Thanks, guys, but you don’t need to worry about this. This is my thing to sweat about.”

“It’ll be okay, mom. I just know it.”

“Mom, you know that stuff you were saying about Mercury in Retrograde? Is it that?”

“It fits, dontcha think.”

“Why would somebody want to put Viagra on your site?”

“I dunno, honey.”

“Why would somebody hack your site?”

“I dunno.”

“That’s dumb.”

“That’s mean.”

“I know.”

Child of Narcissist / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 8 Comments
24
Jul 12

Notes From a Summer Getaway

You may be thinking that you need a prescription, but it could be that you need to drive a road that lazily winds around a mountain lake. Roll the windows down and sing to the Doobie Brothers.*

Kids don’t need DVD players or iPads if one of ’em has a fishing pole, the other has a floaty mattress for playing in the lake and they both have nets for catching minnows.

Moms don’t need laptops, internet connection or a day at the spa if they have a good friend to chat with and reservations for dinner.

The withdrawals from that lack of internet connection last about four hours. Fill the void with Cheetos and red wine. It’ll pass. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Stories / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 25 Comments
17
Jul 12

A Wink From the Universe

She certainly didn’t need another cup of coffee.

She looked inside her purse to make sure the box of Pepcid was there. She wouldn’t have been surprised if – in the panic this morning – she’d left it on the kitchen counter.

Good. There was the Pepcid. She took one with a sip of cold coffee.

The worst part about these court appearances is that they were early in the day – too early for liquid courage.

At least the kids didn’t have to be at this court appearance. It was stressful enough without having to consider the emotional fallout from the kids. It’s not like she could pump them full of antacids.

__________ Continue reading →