Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

Life in the Village Where Relationships Come First

Once upon a time there was a contented village where everyone worked together to pursue their goals, realize their dreams, raise their children and make the world’s best ice cream.

There was one governing rule in the village:

Relationships must come first.

Relationships with partners, spouses, kids, parents, friends, grandparents, dogs, cats, gardens, trees, birds, butterflies, dandelions and all other living things must come first.

When a villager reached an age where self-awareness could benefit her rather than taint her (think narcissism) the relationship with her own self would become a priority as well. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 21 Comments
31
Jan 12

What Lifts You Up?

He said, “Mom, why do you think I’m outta sorts today?”

I said, “Maybe you’re wishing we had snow. Maybe this is the pre-dad visit funk. Maybe you need to eat something. Or, maybe it’s just one of those days.”

And because the hot water of the shower has a way of warming my skull and opening my brain to the current of ideas that passes in and around this house, I came out of the bathroom with an inspired thought.

Imaginary Hot Air Balloons Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path / Tools — 20 Comments
20
Jan 12

Practicing What I Preach

It wasn’t because I was on my second glass of liquid courage.

It wasn’t because my kids were milling about and I was trying to lead by example.

It wasn’t because I’d been reading The Inner Pulse, by Marc Siegel.

It was because I wrote of this very thing in Seeing My Path.

I inherently believe that I can’t change others.

I do believe change can begin with me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path / Tools — 21 Comments
17
Jan 12

A Work In Progress

I am a work in progress and so is this blog.

First, some chronology to set the stage:

5 1/2 years ago – Stuff three boxes, buckle two young kids into car seats, leave husband, nice house, financially secure future, perpetual stomach aches and nicest yard* I’ll ever tend.

5 years, 5 months ago – Discover NPD and naively present the concept to narcissistic husband and helplessly watch as message falls on deaf ears.

5 years, 3 months ago – Buy tiny, cozy, safe home for the three of us. Put holes in walls, roll in grass that is never fertilized, refuse to make beds, leave projects out in plain sight, smile and laugh every day.

4 years, 4 months ago – Youngest starts public school. Take a temporary, part-time job with family. Rush between commitments like every other family in the U.S. Stomach aches start to make a reappearance.

4 years ago – Divorce is finalized. Kids seem to be coping well with divorce, not so well with public school. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 Comments
13
Jan 12

Tales From Moving On

She hadn’t written him a letter explaining. She hadn’t told him she was leaving. She didn’t realize – until she saw her hands putting her journal, a laptop, and some clothes in a box – that she was leaving.

As she packed, her mind wasn’t going over the possibilities of what would come next. She hadn’t made a six-month plan or a five-year plan. She hadn’t given serious consideration to finding work or a house. She didn’t know what she’d tell friends and family.

She needed to breathe.

In order to breathe, she would have to leave her marriage.

As she packed, her thoughts were consumed with, “What do I need to take with me because I am never coming back here.” Her hands operated as if on auto-pilot. Her demeanor was calm and determined. She didn’t frantically start grabbing things from the kitchen cupboards. She methodically filled one box with a few necessities for starting a new life. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 25 Comments
2
Jan 12

A Whisper In The Trees

whisper I stop at the top of the hill and yell for them to keep going. I want to watch them.

I plant my poles, snug my hat down a bit and wrap my arms around myself to block the chill.

The temperature hovers at 10 degrees. It’s beautiful windless cold – the crisp blue of a winter sky when the light makes edges sharp.

I take a mitten off to wipe my nose.

I quick jam my hand back in the mitten and tuck thumbs into the finger sides to soak up the warmth generated by many. Thumbs have it tough. They can’t generate enough heat all by their lonesome. They need company to have any shot at getting warm. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
28
Dec 11

Idea Magnets

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

– Eleanor Roosevelt

The other day we stopped at a convenience store to pick up corn nuts and Cheetos for a road trip. We placed our stuff on the counter and the clerk said, “So have you heard about the theory that if a train started out today and …. speed of light…. circling the globe….. rate of speed….. it would arrive in the year 2032?”

Don’t quote me on that because, honestly, I didn’t understand a word he said, but he sparked an entertaining conversation that lasted the first 30 miles of our road trip.

We have a new friend that fixes us chicken pot pie and brownies and chats with us – even kids* – about things like past lives, quantum physics, philosophy and art.

For several days after one of those dinners, Will can be heard saying, “Is that really a chair, or do you just think it’s a chair?” Jenny will say, “Is it really that windy out, or do I just think it’s that windy out?” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
21
Dec 11

When Mom Is Santa

santa With their pinkies pointing at my face, they backed me up against the kitchen counter saying, “Pinky swear you aren’t the one bringing us presents on Christmas morning! Pinky swear to it!”

What could I do?

I could have continued the charade. I’ve come up with some pretty clever lines over the years – lines that have let my kids keep believing, but how much longer should I keep lying?

And because the Universe always brings me what I need, when I need it most, I’d read this post earlier in the day, and was a bit prepared.

Over a dinner of grilled ham and cheese and homemade apple pie, I answered questions – lots of questions. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 20 Comments
12
Dec 11

When You Don’t Want To Go Out There

It’s cold outside.

I won’t know anyone there.

I can’t go dressed like this.

Everyone will be younger.

Everyone will be older. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 15 Comments
8
Dec 11

If It Isn’t One Thing, It’s Your Period

They could have banished me to the old white shed.

I wouldn’t have blamed them.

In desperation, I came up with a plan to try and establish balance in our home.

I wanted to go back to bed.

I wanted to eat everything in sight. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 14 Comments
30
Nov 11

What Do You Need To Be Happy?

I could have said, “Geez you guys! I can’t handle this stuff laying around everywhere!”

I could have said, “I want more time to do what I love, instead of having to pick up after you two!”

I could have said, “I need a break from this mess!”

I could have said a number of things, but while I was washing off the metaphorical dirt in the shower, I hatched a better plan.

It went something like this:

Take out a piece of paper. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
24
Nov 11

Appreciation for Blessings

Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.

Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.

I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.

A safe, cozy home – free of judgment and negative energy.

Family and friends who infuse our lives with love, humor, skill saws, plumbing knowledge and free labor.

A cat who knows when we need extra attention, and doesn’t get too mad at us when we take occasional road trips.

The opportunity to let kids be kids in all their exuberance, sweet messiness, and enthusiastically curious selves.

The ability to let the kids pick the menu for today’s feast. (Pot roast, buttery noodles, lasagna, macaroni and cheese and Cheetos – cuz it’s about the getting together and not about forcing kids to eat stuffing made with chunks of gizzard. Sorry, mom. But I will miss your stuffing.)

The chance to start a new day with grace and integrity even though I blew all my grace and integrity out of the water with Mark a couple days ago.

The deep understanding that I am perfect in my whole unique self. I may have a long way to go, but it’s okay if I mess up, and the important thing is that I keep trying.

The insightful, often funny, warm and encouraging comments from all the caring individuals who read this blog.

Two amazing kids – one tucked under each arm – who chose to make this journey with me.

That look in the eye of someone who knows you, understands you, and loves you anyway.

Second chances.

The quiet moment to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and laugh, after the mountain of holiday dishes are done.

Leftover lasagna instead of leftover turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 20 Comments
17
Nov 11

A Life Remodel

One day, I’m going to get an internship at the Behr Paint Factory. I’ll show up for work in jeans and sit in one of those spinning desk chairs that tip back. I’ll prop my feet on the desk and throw Nerf basketballs in the net above the coffee machine. I’ll spend the whole day brainstorming with my jean-clad co-workers about paint names.

I’ll yell out, “Champagne Moon, you know, for that iridescent yellowish quality that a full moon has.”

The gal at the corner desk will say, “Crushed Grass, you know… when you step on grass and it gets that lighter shade of Kelly Green.”

There will be that guy in the office who hits on every female, and he’ll say, “How about Wet Sheets, for….”

And the girl at the corner desk will roll her eyes and cut him off. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations / Tools — 10 Comments
14
Nov 11

The Impact of Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company … a church … a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude … I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you … we are in charge of our Attitudes.

C. Swindoll*

I have a choice.

I could wake this morning, annoyed that winter is on its way, and I’ll soon be shoveling walks and hauling firewood; or I could appreciate the built-in exercise routine that doesn’t require a monthly health club fee.

I could be angry that I am a single mom with full responsibility for raising two kids by myself; or I could appreciate how fortunate I am that they are with me 98 percent of the time.

I could be missing the much nicer house we used to live in, and the lack of money worries; or I could appreciate that this home is full of love and comfort, and my kids have learned valuable lessons that come from living within our means.

I could be annoyed by the mess from the English Muffins and coffee makings; or I could appreciate that they can make their own breakfast, and make me a cup while they’re at it.

I could be anxious that I’m single and 49; or I could revel in the sheer joy of being single and 49.

I could be worried about what the future holds, and whether I’ll benefit from the choices I’m making; or I could trust that the level of contentment I see in the three of us is a good indication that we are headed in the right direction.

I could be cranky about having started a bathroom remodel when I know next to nothing about such things; or I could turn this into a homeschool project where all three of us learn in the process.

I could bark at the kids when I can’t handle the mess; or I could acknowledge that this is their house, too, and gently ask them to help when I feel overwhelmed.

__________

I could choose to see what is wrong in our life and our choices; or I could choose to see what is right.

I can choose to wake with a positive attitude and greet my two with a smile and a kind voice that gets the day off to a good start.

I have a choice.

*Thank you, Kate. ;)

Homeschool / Parenting / Random Observations — 20 Comments
4
Nov 11

Around the Corner

old-faithful The car was stocked with corn nuts, sunflower seeds, pretzels, waters and grapes. (I forgot the Fritos.) Kids had their papers and pens for marking off which animals they might see. The tank was full of gas and the heat was cranked.

They say the best times for viewing animals are in the morning or in the evening.

We entered at the West entrance of Yellowstone at 2:30 p.m.

We had time to circle through, catch Old Faithful, and hope to see whatever animals would be out before it got too dark.

I’ve always loved Yellowstone in the fall. There aren’t as many tourists and there are more animals to see because the temperatures are more favorable – for the critters, not the humans. Continue reading →