proactive « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: proactive

Moving On — Comments Off
16
Feb 10

More On Distractions…

fairies I got distracted by these plump little fairy godmothers. Jenny set them up for Rita, and I fell in love with their sweetness.

If I hadn’t managed to get a bunch of stuff crossed off the list, I’d have walked by these little sweeties, without a second glance. Because I got some things done, my brain was clear, and open to seeing new things. I’m always telling the kids that they will more enjoy a good time, if they get the chores out of the way, first. (Plus, if they get the jobs done, they won’t have to listen to me harping at them.)

And then I was thinking about getting ‘chores’ done on a larger scale. If we attempt to really deal with the big uncomfortable stuff, the good stuff won’t be over-shadowed. We can continue to go through life, avoiding the major problems, and missing the magical little details; or we can try to deal with those issues, and free ourselves up for more of life’s sweetness. It’s one thing to be bothered by a clogged sink drain, it’s another to be weighed down by the major problems in a relationship. Can we afford to ignore those problems? How much sweetness are we missing out on, when we walk around carrying the weight of a failed relationship?

Moving On — Comments Off
16
Feb 10

Distraction as a Means of Survival

We are not going anywhere tonight. No one is coming over. I’m going to cook a simple dinner. We have planned not to make plans.

Isn’t that how it is?

You plan not to do something so as to focus on what is at hand. Then, life gets in the way, and once again, you are afforded the opportunity to avoid what really needs to be addressed. And you are so thankful for that bump in the schedule, because you would give anything to keep from handling the real life stuff.

I see it all the time with my kids.

The light is blinking on the answering machine. In fact the light blinks on the four phones around the house. Uniden, the company that made our cordless phone, probably thought that was a great feature — a selling point. “Our phone will conveniently remind you when you have an urgent message that needs to be answered.” It’s enough to pretend that Mark didn’t call. We don’t need the phone to continually blink its little red light to nag us about calling him back. Continue reading →

Be Your Own Valentine

tink I was going to work on my taxes today. I was going to try to unclog my bathroom sink. I played all day yesterday, so I’m feeling like I’m supposed to be productive and accomplish something today. (As if spending a wonderful day enjoying the company of my kids isn’t productive.)

Then I remembered, “It’s Valentine’s Day!!”

*sigh*

I don’t have anything insightful to say about Valentine’s Day. If you’d like a chuckle to go with your obligatory box of chocolates, then check out a previous post on narcissism and gift-giving.

Enjoy this quote on love, or this one, too. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes — 2 Comments
13
Feb 10

Relaxation

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

Chinese proverb (via Amy Oscar)

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 10 Comments
13
Feb 10

Narcissism Pisses Me Off

dropping-keys Today we skied like we could be Olympic contenders – in our dreams. We laughed, inhaled fresh mountain air, and got that really good tired. Then we came home and made fajitas, sat by the fire and watched amazing athletes compete on T.V.

It was a stellar day.

Why am I so agitated?

In the last few days, I’ve gotten emails from a woman who is agonizing over the chaos in her daughter’s life. Her daughter divorced a narcissistic man five years ago, and this man is still making her daughter’s life a living hell.

I’ve gotten an email from another woman who found the courage to leave her narcissistic husband, but she doubts her decision on a daily basis, because this man continually tells her that she’s making a monumental mistake. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
11
Feb 10

Come And Tell Me Why Yer Leavin’ Me

The first time I set foot in our little house, I got teary. Granted, I wasn’t very emotionally stable at the time. I had decided to leave my husband. I had been living at my mom’s for a couple months. I had to get my kids settled, and the weight of the transition was heavy on me. The realtor unlocked the maroon door and we stepped into the open living room/dining room area. I took one look at the wood stove, glanced at the dark red walls in the kitchen, and I knew it would be our home.

I always wanted a wood stove at Mark’s house. I’m always cold, and I wear layers, even in summer. We deal with a lot of winter, and a wood stove provides a comfort that you don’t get from an electric blanket or forced air heat, or a narcissistic husband. Besides, I love the ritualistic aspects of burning wood. There’s the physical labor of finding and cutting and hauling and stacking the wood. And there’s the continual feeding of the fire. Will and I even cleaned our chimney this year. I don’t care that it’s messy. I love the smell as much as the warmth. It’s basic to survival. It connects me to the process of life.

Mark doesn’t like burning with wood because it’s messy, smelly, and hard to control.

__________

It was our first winter here, and I jumped up to put another log in the wood stove. Without realizing I was doing it, I started singing a song from my college days. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes — Comments Off
9
Feb 10

Bedtime Tonic

A good gulp of hot whiskey at bedtime — it’s not very scientific but it helps.

Alexander Fleming

Child of Narcissist / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
9
Feb 10

Nighttime and the Narcissist

Who thinks of you at night? Who thinks of you as they turn out the light? Who sends up a little prayer for you, or gives thanks that you are in their life?

Last night, on my way to bed, I checked on Will and Jenny. I do every night. Seems I can’t go to sleep unless I check on them first. It probably isn’t necessary. I tuck them in every night. But I have to see them before I go off to bed. I remember one night several years ago, I was preoccupied, went to bed, read a bit, turned out the light, and settled in. I was just hitting that sweet spot between wakefulness and snooze, when I bolted upright and realized I hadn’t checked on them. I jumped out of bed to make sure that they were snuggled safely in their beds. Every now and then, Will asks me if I still check on them before I go to bed. I’m not sure I could go to sleep without first checking on them.

I don’t think it is too much to expect that a spouse or partner might think of you before he closes his day. Of course, we are busy and exhausted. There are so many distractions. There is the need to just unwind and not have to fulfill anymore obligations. But at the end of the day, can’t we make time for this person who shares a life with us — struggles and all? Can we share a warm glance that says, “I’m glad you’re here, even if I’m too damn tired to do anything about it?”

I can guess what ran through Mark’s head when I was still living in his house. It was probably a lot like this:

“Damn, when is that woman going to figure out how to fix pork chops the way I like ’em? I wish she’d leave me alone with the remote. God, I hope she tucks the kids in, it’s her job anyway. I wonder if she remembered to take the garbage out? Shouldn’t those toys be picked up by now? I wonder if I have clean socks for tomorrow? Do I have to sit through one more story about the kids? Wonder if I’ll get any tonight?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Narcissist Quotes / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
7
Feb 10

The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Narcissist

Eight years ago on Super Bowl Sunday, I was two months pregnant with Jenny. I had round-the-clock morning sickness. To this day, I tell Jenny that she was worth every trip to the bathroom.

One of my favorite pictures is a shot of me, looking awful from the morning all-day sickness, holding a gallon-sized container of Atomic Fireballs. There’s something about the hot spicy jawbreakers that kept the sickness at bay. They were an absolute lifesaver. I had an Atomic Fireball in my mouth for 7 months.

Poor Will was going on four years old. He got used to me hanging out in the bathroom. In fact, after Jenny was born, I was doing something, let out a cough, and I heard Will say, “Mommy, are you throwing up again?”

Anyway, we had been invited to a Super Bowl Party. I was sitting in a chair, trying to summon up the strength to put on my shoes. I did not want to go to the party, but I didn’t want to disappoint Mark and Will. I looked at Mark and said, “I’m so sorry, but I just can’t go. I feel like all I’ve been doing is trying to simply exist.” He looked at me, let out a sigh of frustration and said, “Well, that is all you’ve been doing.”

__________ Continue reading →

Control / Moving On / Random Observations — 12 Comments
4
Feb 10

His Narcissism and Her Restlessness

She pulls up every day at about 11:30 in the morning. She parks her new car next to the park across the street from our house. She gets out and immediately lights up a cigarette. Her clothes have a kind of urban style. Maybe she’s a professional of some sort — lawyer, doctor, counselor, accountant or banker. I imagine she might be between appointments or on her way to lunch. She usually dresses in dark colors, a leather car coat and delicate, black framed glasses. She’s tall and thin with dark brown hair. She never stands still. Most of the time she’s talking on her cell, walking back and forth, beside the length of her car. She’s trying to quit smoking. She doesn’t want to smoke inside her car.

She promised her partner that she had quit, and she fools herself into believing that he won’t smell it on her, or the car.

When she talks on her cell, she seems excited and happy. She acts like someone who has something wonderful to look forward to. She barely pays any attention to the cigarette in her hand. She’s one of those interesting people who can’t seem to talk without moving their hands. I half expect her to send either her phone or the cigarette flying. Every time she makes a point in the conversation, I see her emphasize with her hand, or look up at the sky and let out a laugh, or sometimes she does all three at once.

She appears to be energized by the conversation.

The mornings when she’s not talking on her phone, she seems like a completely different person. She smokes one cigarette after another. She paces beside her car, head down, with her other hand in her pocket. It’s as if she’s waiting for the phone to ring, or contemplating her next appointment, or mentally ticking off her to-do list. Continue reading →

Moving On — 1 Comment
2
Feb 10

What Are You Waiting For?

gabrielle Please watch this.

Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
1
Feb 10

When Narcissists Win Grammys

We watched the Grammys last night. The Grammys might also be called, “The Music World’s Parade of Narcissists“. We watched to see the artists we like, but as the spectacle continued, we became annoyed by the display of glitz and the embarrassing acceptance speeches. The extravaganza took on all the fascination of a train wreck. We felt compelled to watch to see which Narcissist would attempt to out-do the other Narcissists.

It was painful, hilarious, disgusting, and not in the least entertaining. Just what do the Grammys have to do with music?

At the risk of sounding like I’m channeling my grandma when she watched the debut of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show, I have to wonder, what do baggy pants have to do with entertainment? The station had to block the sound on half of the lyrics “sung” by Eminem and his bad-ass buddies. Is this music worthy of any awards?

At one point Jenny said, “Why don’t they wear regular clothes, stop acting so weird, and just sing?” Will noticed that the audience wasn’t clapping very enthusiastically, and said, “I think they’re only clapping to be polite.” What part of the Elton John/ Lady Gaga spectacle was entertaining? Maybe it was a fine display of marketing and packaging in an attempt to sell more CDs, but I’m not rushing out to buy anything based on what I saw, and I like Elton John.

Check out the lyrics for the Black Eyed Peas’, ‘Imma Be’. The only line missing is, “Imma Be a Narcissist.” Continue reading →

Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 2 Comments
31
Jan 10

Narcissism and ROI

piggy-bank I had the “Finals Week Dream” last night. I used to have that one a lot. In the dream, it’s finals week and I’m looking at the printout that shows the schedule for my finals. I’m going over the schedule, thinking about how much time I’ll be able to cram for each test, and I see a final on there that makes me absolutely panic. I keep staring at the class number. My brain starts spiraling.

Crap.

I forgot to go to that class last quarter! How can I pass a final for a class I forgot to attend?

I guess it has something to do with failing to be prepared? I’ve heard of people having the “Forgot The Baby On Top of the Car Dream”. Mine is always about having to take a final for a class I never attended.

After waking to that sense of relief that comes with realizing that it’s just a dream, my mind had all these accounting acronyms swimming around in it. Things like ROI (Return On Investment), LIFO (Last In First Out), and FIFO (First In First Out), that I haven’t thought about since college. Continue reading →

Moving On — 2 Comments
27
Jan 10

Diet or Divorce

hearts I did a double-take when I saw him. Is that who I think it is? We were walking toward each other, and I could tell that he was trying to figure out who I was, too. “Hey, Jesse, is that you?” It was him. “Chris, how are you? Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

He was a lot thinner than the last time I’d seen him. He had that crooked smile that I remembered from high school. He had a spring in his step. It’d been about four years since we’d last visited. He used to come into Mark’s shop. We’d compare notes on kids, marriage, and the weather. He always looked like he was going through the motions, pretending to be happily married, saying all the right things, and enthusiastically speaking of his son’s soccer games or hunting trips. But each time I saw him, he was a little heavier, a little sadder, a little bit collapsing under the weight of the world.

“So, Jess, how come I never see you at the shop?” It always surprises me when I run into someone that doesn’t know I’m divorced. We live in a pretty small town. “I divorced the shopkeeper.” Chris said, “Hey, I’m going through the same thing right now! Never been happier. I’ve lost 65 pounds since June. I feel great!” I asked how long he’d been married, and he said he’d made it 22 years. I said, “Geez, I only made it 12.”

As we went on our separate ways, Chris said, “12 years is a long time if you aren’t with the right person.”