Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.
Edith Sitwell
Posts Tagged: proactive
22
Jan 10
Children of Narcissists Take Detailed Notes
Winter forgot about us for a couple weeks — long enough for the snow to melt and the birds to enjoy pretending that it might really be over. But, winter made an impressive return today. Apparently it’s wanting to remind us just who the boss really is. I had asked my young cousin if he might be able to split the rest of our wood. I’m hoping it gets us through the rest of the season. Will loves the opportunity to hang with an older guy, strut around with a hatchet in his hand, and have an excuse to drink coffee.
My cousin has plenty of stories to tell of his own absent father. His dad is my dad’s brother. They both cut class during Fatherhood 101. They were too busy talking about one’s hot GTO and the other’s riches from the recent poker game. They had their priorities. It was interesting to listen to my cousin and my son compare notes about their dads. Both of them have these tough exteriors that would lead you to believe that they really don’t give a damn, and that they are doing just fine without. I expected one of them to say, “Who needs a dad, anyway.” My cousin took a sip from his mug and said, “Ya know, last year my dad didn’t call me from November to April. Not once.” He initially said it like it was a badge of honor. But I could see in his eyes that he’s trying to understand how his dad could go for so long without having any interest in his life. He’s keeping track. He’s taking notes. He’s not going to forget. They head out to split wood. I can hear each chop. I imagine that with each swing of the ax, those boys are letting out their anger, frustration, disappointment and hurt. At least I hope they are.
While they are chopping, Jenny and I sit at the kitchen table. Jenny is creating a very detailed drawing of her new doll. A friend brought Jenny a beautiful rag doll from Mexico. She is colorful, happy and ready to be loved. Just like Jenny. I’m working on a sewing project that I promised Jen I’d finish. I love how when you are doing simple chores or projects with your hands, your mind opens up and things come out your mouth. I always hear little pearls coming from my kids. They don’t need prompting. When their hands are busy and don’t require input from their brain, their brain is free to cycle, and suddenly they express things that have been buried. Jenny often brings up the story of the yellow blanket with the embroidered blue birds. We were living at Mark’s. Jenny was three. She wanted to bring the blanket down to the living room from upstairs. Mark stopped her in her tracks and said, “You have enough toys in the living room. That blanket has to stay up in your bedroom.” In her sweet little voice she pleaded with her daddy to let her bring the blanket downstairs. After all, she had a baby downstairs that was cold. She needed the blanket. Mark told her to put the blanket back in the bedroom. That was the end of the conversation.
To this day, Jenny doesn’t understand why that was such a big deal. Why would it matter to bring the blanket downstairs? She has taken notes on a couple other instances where Mark insisted on something that just didn’t make sense. I know Will has a bunch of notes, too. He actually has notebooks in his bedroom where he writes of the strange dealings with his dad.
Today I learned that Jenny recently asked her dad about the yellow blanket incident. She said that when she did, Mark said, “Oh honey, that was your mommy that didn’t want the blanket downstairs. That wasn’t me.” Narcissists don’t realize that others take notes. Then I said to Jenny, “I’m impressed that you had the guts to talk to your dad about that.” She responded with, “Oh, yes, I did. But that was the last of my guts.” Continue reading →
20
Jan 10
Out On A Limb
Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.
H. Jackson Browne
18
Jan 10
Take A Chance
This afternoon, on the way out the door, Jenny grabbed her giant tube of Watermelon Lip Smackers. She offered it to me. I have a thing for Watermelon Lip Smackers. I’ve had this “thing” since 7th grade. Why do you think my daughter was introduced to Lip Smackers in the first place? Watermelon Lip Smackers is slippery, sweet and slightly pink. Being an innocent teenager is all those same things. Or at least it used to be. I smeared some on my lips, and suddenly I’m wearing Hash jeans, my hair is really long and straight, I’m 13 and I’m staring at Greg Nickels.
I had a crush on Greg from 7th grade to, probably, my senior year. I have a hard time giving up — hence, the amount of time it took me to exit a crappy marriage. In 9th grade, Greg Nickels asked me to go to “The Dance”. I was beside myself. All the girls told me that he really liked me. I didn’t believe them. It was the night of “The Dance”, and he came to pick me up with this cute little corsage. We were standing on the deck of the apartment that my mom was renting at the time. I remember this vividly. There was a slight breeze, and the air smelled like a mix of carnation, watermelon, aftershave and exhaust from the refinery that wasn’t far from our apartment building. He helped me pin the flower on my sleeveless dress. High up at my shoulder, he reached beneath the strap, so as to keep the pin from piercing my skin. I remember a bit of fumbling and a lot of nerves and clumsiness, on both our parts. Then, he looked as if he might kiss me. He was actually bending toward me! No one else was around. This was it! I had been waiting for this moment since 7th grade! I panicked. Instead of leaning into the kiss, I turned my face, and his lips met with my cheek. That sent him a clear message that I was not interested, even though I had been interested since what seemed like forever.
The rest of the night was uncomfortable and awkward, to say the least. In fact, I don’t remember the night with the same detail that I remember the corsage-pinning part. On Monday, everybody kept asking me why I didn’t like Greg any more. What was I going to say? I wasn’t going to admit that I didn’t have a whole lot of experience in the kissing department, let alone all the stuff in the other departments. So instead of being honest, I played it cool. He never asked me out, again.
Now it’s not like I’m 47 years old and still kicking myself for not having made out with Greg Nichols when I was 15. I’m not going to my death bed wishing I had handled things differently. (I think.) In fact, if I was 15 right now, standing in front of him, I’d turn my cheek again. And, yes, I will expect Jenny to behave the same exact way when her Greg Nickels leans in for that kiss. (Like that will make any difference to Jenny, but I can hope.) But I am less inclined to let opportunities pass me by. I’m fine making a fool of myself if it means I have a chance at something fantastic. I made the difficult decision to end a miserable marriage so as to have a chance at an authentic, happy life.
I’m finding that the older I get, the less I’m willing to put up with crap. I can’t control how others act, but I can decide whether I want to remove myself from situations where I am treated poorly. I’m also finding that, with age, I care less about making a fool of myself — much to my kids’ chagrin. I will not be on my death bed wishing I had told the people I love how much I love them. I won’t be wishing I had stayed longer in a lousy job. I won’t be feeling like I should have spent more time with my kids. And I won’t be mad at myself for having stayed in a broken marriage. I may, however, ask to borrow Jenny’s Watermelon Lip Smackers.
12
Jan 10
Toxic Narcissists
You do not have the right to quit trying. (The universe wobbles when you do.) You have the right to quit toxic people. (They’re contagious.)
Dr. Sun Wolf
9
Jan 10
Formula For Happiness
The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Allan K. Chalmers
9
Jan 10
Livin’ The Dream
I really don’t like grocery shopping. That’s a bit of an understatement. I always go to the same place, so I can put it on auto-pilot. I know where everything is. I look at my list. I get it done. But, the folks that work at the place where I shop are a nice bunch. They are quick to greet and say ‘hello’. There’s a new guy in the produce section. He’s young and enthusiastic, and he’s embracing the store’s obvious policy for placing emphasis on customer service. The first time I saw him, he was working with the apples and oranges, turning them to make them look more appealing. He glanced my way, and with a pleasant smile said, “Hi.” I asked him how he was doing, in that sometimes mindless way that I answer greetings. He chuckled a bit and said, “Livin’ the dream!” I was taken by surprise with that response. It wasn’t the usual, “Fine. How are you?” In fact, I remember thinking, “Really? You dreamed of being the produce guy?”
“Livin’ the dream” requires knowing what your dream is. Maybe he did dream of being the produce guy. There’s nothing wrong with that. He’s a lot further along than those of us who are still trying to figure out what our dream is. Could be he’s a wise old soul that has figured out that it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with a dream or a goal. It’s more about embracing good work, good friends and family, and keeping your mind open to learning new things. I’m secretly starting to think that all that stuff about ‘enjoying the journey and not the goal’ is really true. Plus, it takes the pressure off of me for still not having figured out what my dream is. Yikes. I can’t believe that enjoying the journey could even mean finding something positive about grocery shopping. Although, some of those chance encounters with others at the grocery store can be pretty fun.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to that expression, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You can run from problems, and end up in a new neighborhood with different versions of the same problems. Or, you can stay where you are and develop the skills necessary to deal with whatever life puts in front of you. It seems the real trick is realizing that while the grass has a lot of weeds in my little yard, it’s still pretty green. Some days it may seem like the turf would be more lush some where else, but I’m betting there’s still going to be a few weeds. I’ve also noticed, however, that having narcissists to deal with on a regular basis is a lot like having some really wicked weeds in the yard. I’m not ready to pull out the Roundup, yet. But there are days when a hoe and a rake just don’t cut it.
I don’t know if the produce guy dreamed of sorting fruits and vegies. I suppose that one day I could strike up a conversation and ask him. Maybe I’ll do that on a day when Jen and Will aren’t with me. I don’t need to embarrass them any more than I already do. But, it’s sweeter thinking that maybe this pleasant young fellow has mastered the art of “Blooming where he’s planted.” Or maybe there’s some sort of natural high to be gained from working with produce all day.
6
Jan 10
To Be An Angel
We are, each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.
Luciano de Crescenzo
1
Jan 10
Happy New Me
I’ve sort of made resolutions in the past. Mostly because that’s what everyone seems to do. You can’t really focus much energy on your own resolutions when you are so busy accommodating the Narcissists in your life. By the time you finish everything on their list, take care of the kids, clean the cat box and take out the garbage, there’s not a lot of energy left for the typical resolutions like getting more exercise, keeping in touch with friends, or learning Tai Chi.
I got an email from a girlfriend this morning. She was asking why everyone always says, “This will be the year. 2010 will be the year.” Then she said, “The year for what?” Why do they always say that every new year? I told her that I think that’s the tag line for procrastinators. We never seem to accomplish what we set out to do, so we approach each new year with the optimistic hope that we’ll do it this year. That’s not so bad, really. Those new beginnings are what keep us going.
At the risk of sounding Narcissistic, I’ve come up with a few personal mottos for a Happy New Me. I’m going with the word ‘motto’ because ‘resolution’ makes me think of failed attempts, sweaty exhaustion (I’m not speaking of the sweaty kind of exhaustion that usually involves sheets) and a complete lack of brownies. All of that is way too negative. Besides, mottos are suggestions. There’s no pressure to absolutely have to do them everyday. Here’s what I came up with. I’d love to hear your mottos, as long as they have nothing to do with weight loss, shoulds, or having to do more for others.
- Be funnier. Quit taking myself and everyone else so seriously. This is going to sound weird, but I’ve noticed that when the three of us are a little cranky, one of us will start speaking with an accent. I’m not kidding. It’s as if it gets us out of ourselves. We’re pretending to be other people and then we start laughing at each other, and the crabby moment passes. Then Jenny will usually say, “Can we be done with the accents, already?” She’ll say this with a proper English accent, too. Think Julie Andrews in “Mary Poppins”.
- Be kinder to myself. I spend all my energy being nice to everybody else. I need to spend a little of that on me. I’m going to occasionally remind myself that I am a likable, good person, with a kind heart. I deserve treats once in awhile, too. Dark chocolate, good wine, excellent coffee, pedicures and chick flicks are all acceptable pleasures as long as they can be enjoyed without guilt.
- Remember NMP. That stands for Not My Problem. It’s not my problem that Mark has a lousy relationship with his kids. It’s not my problem that my kids don’t want to spend time with him. I will focus on only those things that I can change, or not change, as the case may be.
That feels pretty good, and manageable. Now that I’ve allowed myself to be a little self-centered, I’ll end this post with a quote that my aunt sent. I like it. Continue reading →
30
Dec 09
Stress — It’s All In Your Head
I’ve been making a lot of choices and decisions that will ultimately lead to less stress in our lives. I hope. It’s too soon to tell, but most days it feels like we’re heading in the right direction. And here’s the weird thing about eliminating stressors — it’s stressful. I’m serious. Tonight I was manically walking through the kitchen ticking off this checklist in my head. Dinner – done. Kitchen – done. Laundry – done. Christmas decorations put away – done. (Told you I was a scrooge, didn’t I?) Bills – done. And instead of feeling like I had earned the right to head to the couch with a cup of tea and a magazine, I found myself pacing back and forth and feeling agitated. I was supposed to be busy. There should have been something else on the list. I felt guilty for being done early. I couldn’t justify couch time because certainly there was more that I should be doing.
What is the correct age for deciding that we’ve earned the right to relax? Do I have some kind of character flaw if I give myself permission to sit and read? Do we have to have a certain amount in the bank before we can give ourselves time to relax? We allow ourselves vacations, but how many of us have an even longer to-do list for vacation?
I remember the mom at school that was waiting for the bell to ring so she could shuttle her kids to soccer and piano lessons. She was sitting and reading a novel. We had 15 minutes before the bell was going to ring. I was helping Jenny with homework. Another mom walked by and said hello to the mom with the novel. They both exchanged exhausted “hellos” and apologized for not calling and explained how ridiculously busy they were. All this while the first mom held a novel in her hands. Why couldn’t the first mom say, “Isn’t this great? I’ve 15 whole minutes to enjoy this wonderful book before we run around like maniacs.” But if she were to admit that, then she must not be a very good mom. Because really good moms go all day long, without any breaks, without any time-outs, until they crash at the finish line. And guess what our kids think? They grow up to think that they have to go all day long, too. They grow up to think that they can’t sit and read or play cards or do absolutely nothing.
Mark was here tonight. No wonder I was pacing in the kitchen. I still have these voices in my head that say, “Don’t pour a glass of wine in front of him. Don’t let him see you sit down. Pick up the stuff in the living room. Get dinner on the table soon.” Heck, it’s not even like he was staying for dinner. Just what does it take to get those darned voices out of my head? He was playing Twister with Jenny, and I had to skirt around him to get to the other side. (In case you may be wondering if Mark is coming around and actually engaging with Jenny, you must know that he barely made it through one round.) As I made my way across the room, I really looked at him, and I was hit with a wave (make that a tsunami) of relief. And I thought to myself, “I am going to sit on my butt, watch T.V., read and have a glass of wine, and you can’t stop me. So there.”
Now that would be a great New Year’s Resolution: More Couch Time with Less Guilt. I’ve earned it.
24
Dec 09
Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum
I have got to lighten up. I seem to have misplaced my sense of humor. Perhaps I’ll discover it under the pile of gifts yet to be wrapped. Maybe it’s at the bottom of a mug of eggnog laced with rum. (Yuk. Why do people drink sweetened, pre-scrambled eggs? Just give me the rum.) Yesterday Jenny asked me why my eyes were purple. I said, “I was crying.” She said, “How come you were crying, Mommy?” I scooped her up, twirled her around, and excitedly told her, “Because it’s Christmas, Silly.” Doesn’t everybody cry at Christmas? She has watched me sniffle at Hallmark commercials. I’ll let her think that I’m crying for all the mushy reasons that people might get teary over, at this time of the year.
Ahhh… Christmas with a Narcissist. It’s a beautiful thing. For years, Mark told me that Christmas was his most favorite time of the year. He would actually get misty-eyed over the holidays. Then, as we started a family, he would still get all sappy about Christmas, and how magical it was. But we were never seeing him. His shop gets crazy busy during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I wasn’t sure what part of the holidays he enjoyed so much, because he wasn’t able to spend time with his family. Perhaps I just didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to know, in my heart, that the reason he loved Christmas so much was because of the money-making potential of the holidays. I saw the pattern — he would tear up when discussing the day’s proceeds, not how cute his kids were at their Christmas Programs. Actually, he’d fall asleep at their Christmas Programs due to exhaustion from putting in so many long hours trying to wrangle in those few extra dollars.
When I would suggest that he hire an extra person to help him with the load so that he might enjoy his favorite time of the year with our kids while they were young and believed in Santa, he’d scoff at me. He’d pontificate and say, “Well, you have the luxury of staying home, making the house pretty, and making caramels for Christmas because I slave away and put in the long hours to make that possible.” While I agreed that his working as hard as he did made it possible for me to stay home, I also saw that he enjoyed being on stage down at the shop. No matter the level of craziness or exhaustion, he would parade around Ho Ho Ho-ing the customers, cheerfully bagging the product and all the while exclaiming about how great it is to be one of Santa’s Elves. He would insist that the kids and I be down at the shop, so we could marvel at his performance.
Then, on Christmas Eve, he would collapse at 3 p.m. and begrudgingly wake on Christmas morning when the kids wanted to get up early to see what Santa had left. And, Oh! What Santa would leave! Mittens, ski socks, long underwear, toasty warm ski jackets, snow boots, and gloves, too. And another set of thinker long underwear, warmer than the first, and glove liners and ski tickets, and fleece jackets to layer under the other fleece jackets. And hats and neck warmers and liners for the ski socks. We didn’t work as a team on Christmas gift purchasing. I got what I thought the kids would have fun with. He got what he thought they needed. One year I said, “Mark, if we are going skiing anyway, why is a lift ticket a gift?” He would answer that he made it possible for us to go skiing, so that was a gift. I’ve often considered opening some kind of ski retail shop with all the mittens, gloves, ski socks and long underwear that still has not been worn. The other day, Mark asked Will where his heavy-duty long ski mittens were. I knew the mittens that Mark was referring to. He’d given them to Will three years ago. They are still too big for Will. In fact, they are too big for me to wear.
It seems there is a delicately fine line between the crying and the laughing. I think I’ve been on the wrong side of that line lately. I can either cry about the absurdities of the holidays with Narcissists, or I can laugh. They sure do give us a lot of material for laughter. I hope that if you find yourself crying during this Christmas Season, that you are crying for all the right reasons. Continue reading →
23
Dec 09
Narcissist Quotes
You cannot make this stuff up.
Only Survivors know how true these quotes are.
Thank you for sharing!
Annie:
- “I got myself a new pair of running shoes. Here — you can have my old ones.”
- After telling him that I had made an appointment with an Ob/Gyn to discover if I may have fibroids or something more serious, he chimes in with, “Can’t they check your knees while they’re at it?”
21
Dec 09
Turn It Up
Survival has been tough lately. Dang. I’m losing the sense the it ever does get any easier. I’m making the choices that get us closer to where we want to be. But there’s some big one’s left to tackle. I’m running out of reserves. Jenny looked at me the other day and said, “Mom, hook up the iPod. You need a little ‘Toes’.” That’s our new favorite by the Zac Brown Band. She was right. I plugged it in and turned it up. Let’s pack it in and head to a sandy beach.
10
Dec 09
Who Cares What They Think
Our ski season starts tomorrow. It has been ridiculously cold here, and I’m not really in the mood to go on the first day. I think I need more time for my body to get acclimated to the change in temperature. At least that’s what I’m telling my lazy self. I’m 47 years old and I still ski. I’m not bragging. I’m just surprised.
When I was in 6th grade, the gym teacher told me that I really needed to go out for basketball. I was taller than most everybody else in the class. It made sense that I should be on the basketball team. However, I didn’t want to play basketball. But, because I was an accommodator-in-training, I tried out for basketball. I am a first born, and therefore, a relatively cautious individual. Back then, I was a cautious, first born kid, who was overly preoccupied with what other people thought of me. I was incredibly self-conscious. I may have been decent at basketball, but I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, so I didn’t apply myself. At the end of try-outs, the gym teacher politely told me that I might want to try out for track, instead. I didn’t try out for track. Since then, I’ve always said that I’m not athletic. And yet, I still ski.
Labels are funny things. Why do we let people put labels on us? And why do we so willingly put labels on ourselves? I have a step-brother who hasn’t worn a pair of shorts in 34 years. Some kid once told him he looked like he was riding a chicken. That’s all it took. My step-brother hasn’t worn a pair of shorts since 3rd grade. How come we don’t stand up for ourselves and believe in ourselves. Why don’t we say, “Yea? So what. I like riding a chicken! So there!” I’m always telling my kids (and reminding myself) that people aren’t really looking at you or caring about what you do that much, anyway. They are busy focusing on their own stuff. They might comment on what you are doing, but they move on pretty quickly.
I have been making some tough decisions lately. I think that decisions are more difficult when I keep factoring in the potential reactions that I’ll get from the people in my life. There is this constant chatter in the background. I can hear them saying, “You can’t do that. That’s not the way it’s done. Nobody else does it that way. You should do it like we do. You should be more like us. It works for us. It will work for you, too.” I want them to like me. But more and more, I’m realizing that it’s more important that I like me.
Each time I make a new difficult choice, I realize that I am being true to me. As the dust settles on these new choices, I’m getting closer to my goals of Health, Harmony and Creativity. It has taken a long time for me to realize that I am strong and smart. I can have my own goals. I can follow my own path. I think sometimes it is a bit uncomfortable when people in my life see me making choices that are so different from their choices. Maybe it makes them want to reevaluate their choices. It’s more likely that they are thinking I’m losing my mind. They think I’ve gone off the deep end. I choose to think that I’m just swimming in a different pool. Continue reading →
