proactive « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: proactive

Permission To Move On

The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening. I felt her warm breath on my ear.

This is what I heard her say:

“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job. I’m proud of you for doing your best. I know this was hard for you. You got through to him as much as you possibly can. He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it. You knew that when you married him, and you know that now.

You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can. I don’t expect any more from you. Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children. You have avoided the negativity as long as you could. You tried tenderness and compassion.

It’s time for you to move on.”

__________ Continue reading →

Quotes / Tools — 2 Comments
21
Oct 10

When To Be Done

How long should you try? Until.

Jim Rohn

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
20
Oct 10

The Thing Is…

The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me. He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me. At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.

The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me. But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.

The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing. But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies. I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed. Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.

The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing. But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of going to counseling. When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.

He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
18
Oct 10

Let Them Be

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

Josh Billings

Children have more need of models than of critics.

Carolyn Coats

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

Marilyn Penland

What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give.

P.D. James

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

Erma Bombeck

Child of Narcissist / Tools — 7 Comments
17
Oct 10

It’s All Perception

pleasantville “Clean up this mess! How can we expect to have people over if this is what this place looks like? Are we Pigs, here? Can’t we put some order to this place?”

That is not what I said. It is what I have thought. I’m careful to not call it a ‘mess’, or ‘junk’. I know she loves all her stuff.

Yes, it makes me crazy.

I can be heard saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough. We need to find where this stuff lives. It’s my house, too. I love that you feel comfortable enough to explore, create, play and be, but at some point, I want to walk through the living room.”

I am done making excuses to friends. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 6 Comments
14
Oct 10

Drip, Drip, Drip

This chronically, unresolved stressful stuff with Mark is like a leaky faucet.

When we’re busy, we don’t hear the constant dripping. When the music is turned up loud, I’d swear the plumber had been here today. When we’re having dinner at mom’s, I might comment that I really ought to call a plumber, but 20 minutes into our visit, I’ve forgotten about the faucet.

I’ve asked several friends to recommend a good plumber. I’ve checked the yellow pages.

When lessons are completed, the skateboard rests, and Barbie is tucked away for the day, the dripping is relentless. We can hear it from every corner of the house. When the three of us are tucked safely into our beds, all we can hear is the incessant DRIPPING. We’ve gotten quite comfortable sleeping with pillows pressed to our ears.

When I’m lying in bed listening to the drip, I am convinced I need to call a plumber. I know that if I attacked that faucet with a wrench, we’d have a geyser on our hands. We’d have a flood instead of an annoying drip, drip, drip. But, damn, plumbers cost a lot of money.

The three of us looked for a new house the other night. We were on the internet, looking at new houses with shiny faucets, in new towns, in far away states. Why does moving to a new state frighten me less than calling a plumber and tackling this drip head on? Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations — 18 Comments
12
Oct 10

The Universe and Lima Beans

bamboo She was standing in the rice and beans aisle in the grocery store. She’d forgotten her list. She knew she needed some sort of rice or pasta or beans or some such.

All she could think about was buying a pack of cigarettes.

She wouldn’t smoke the whole pack. She wanted to taste one single cigarette – not even the whole thing – one deep, long drag. She stood there arguing with herself. The first thing the surgeon said when she came to, after heart surgery six weeks ago was, “Listen, if you want this to work – if you don’t want to see me again – you MUST quit smoking.”

For the first few weeks, she had no desire. Every single thought in her head was consumed with the act of survival. All she could do was breathe and let her body heal. She barely gave cigarettes a thought. Who was she kidding? She thought of them, but not with the desperation that she’d expected.

Now, on her first solo shopping trip, six long weeks after surgery, she was consumed with the prospect of buying and smoking one delicious, long. slender best friend. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — 3 Comments
10
Oct 10

The Power of Thought

Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking.

Susan Taylor

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy — 8 Comments
4
Oct 10

What Would You Do?

The attorney (that I will not be retaining) wondered if I’d considered asking Mark if there might be a way for us to resolve this situation without incurring ridiculous court costs. She wondered if there might be a way for us to agree on a parenting schedule.

I wanted to say, “What color is the sky in your world? Don’t you think we’ve tried that? Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have this kind of money to spend?”

But because I continue to try, and because it certainly wouldn’t make things worse to try one more time, I emailed Mark.

I told him I’d found an attorney. I told him that the attorney strongly suggested that we seek more counseling for the kids. She believes we need to get to the bottom of the allegations before determining a parenting plan. I asked if he thought there was a way we could do this outside of a court room.

Thirty hours later, I received an uncharacteristically short email from Mark that read, “Do what you need to do. I’ll do the same.” Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — 2 Comments
1
Oct 10

Where Are You Going?

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao-tzu

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
25
Sep 10

On Tailspins and Rug-Pulling

skipping-rocks It usually takes about 36 hours.

If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone. My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk. I’m down in the dark of a deep well. I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.

I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.

Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”

She usually responds. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Tools — 10 Comments
2
Sep 10

The Great Escape

still pond I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.

The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.

All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.

I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.

The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
8
Aug 10

Surviving Nicely

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

Karen Lamb

Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.

And what a first year.

I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.

I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.

I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
7
Aug 10

For Our Daughters

I remember the first time she was placed in my arms. Even though I was weakened and exhausted from the process, I remember thinking that I’d never felt stronger. I felt empowered to completely love and protect her with everything I had. Nothing could stop me from creating the best possible environment so that she’d have the healthiest life.

I remember her scent, her warmth, her steely charcoal eyes, her long legs and tiny fingers. I remember the dark, matted curls at the base of her tiny head.

My heart expanded to hold all the love I felt for her, to the point where I feared my heart might burst.

I felt more love than I thought possible.

Before she was born, I was afraid that since I showered so much love on Will, I would not have the same amount of love for Jenny. The day Jen was born, I learned that I have an infinite amount of love. Continue reading →