Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.
The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.
All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.
I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.
The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →
Mark is contesting the parenting schedule – the schedule that he authored. At the time of our divorce. he penned a parenting schedule with all kinds of flexibility to accommodate his work and play schedules. I was quick to accept because I knew he wouldn’t demand to see them much.
Apparently that isn’t serving his “need” to see his children more.
He wants to see them every other weekend, every Wednesday, his birthday and some holidays.
No mention of the kids’ birthdays.
No mention of assisting with home schooling. Continue reading →
Even with my untrained eye, I could see the treads were worn on my tires. I was looking at taking a couple long road trips, and with my precious cargo, I figured it’d be prudent to buy new tires. The tire guy explained that my old set of tires was designed for driving on gravel roads. Then I remembered that Mark had purchased those tires because not only is his house set in on a gravel road, but he was planning to use my car for our family fishing/skiing/hiking trips.
I felt some weird sense of victory when telling the tire guy that I wouldn’t be needing tires fit for gravel any more. Yes – I still drive gravel to the cabin and skiing. No – I do not live in a house on a gravel road.
So there.
The kids and I laughed at the smooth ride. Who knew different tires could make that much of a difference? We left the tire shop and headed to the grocery store, windows rolled down, the three of us sighing and saying, “Ahhh. Smooth ride, huh?”
A couple days later, we set out on our road trip west to see family. We stocked up on fritos, cheese and cracker sets, waters, sunflower seeds, DVDs, sketch books, and word search books and put just over 1400 miles on the car in a round trip to the state of Washington. Continue reading →
Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.
And what a first year.
I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.
I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.
I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →
I remember the first time she was placed in my arms. Even though I was weakened and exhausted from the process, I remember thinking that I’d never felt stronger. I felt empowered to completely love and protect her with everything I had. Nothing could stop me from creating the best possible environment so that she’d have the healthiest life.
I remember her scent, her warmth, her steely charcoal eyes, her long legs and tiny fingers. I remember the dark, matted curls at the base of her tiny head.
My heart expanded to hold all the love I felt for her, to the point where I feared my heart might burst.
I felt more love than I thought possible.
Before she was born, I was afraid that since I showered so much love on Will, I would not have the same amount of love for Jenny. The day Jen was born, I learned that I have an infinite amount of love. Continue reading →
What are we doing here?
What is the goal?
Why the struggle?
Does any of this matter?
What should I be doing differently? Continue reading →
After reading yesterday’s post, my aunt invited us for a summer bright spot. Instead of serving coffee and biscotti, we met for a picnic lunch at the park. We sat in the grass under the shade of a huge pine tree, eating fries and burgers from Dairy Queen.
On the way to her house, I thought of how I’d tell her of the wolves that had been knocking at my door.
I’d give her the details.
I’d get her take on things.
I’d vent (a little) and spew. Continue reading →
“Dad, if you changed some things so that we would be more comfortable around you, we would want to see you more.” Will, with eyes blinking incessantly, and hands shoved into the pockets of his grass-stained kahkis, summoned the courage to stand up to his dad.
Later, Will told me he felt like he wanted to throw-up when he was talking to Mark.
Jenny was hiding in a corner of the garage. When Mark asked her if he still used the baby voice, she was visibly shaking. She looked down at her feet, clutched her Barbie, and whispered, “Yes.”
Then, Mark announced to the three of us that he has only one voice. He does not have, and never has had, a baby voice. Continue reading →
“You mean, simply by following my path, I will have complete confidence in everything I say? I’ll spew wise words, funny tidbits, and wow everyone at cocktail parties? All I have to do is be true to myself, show the world who I am, and I’ll never embarrass myself again?”
“It’s not like that. Although that would be nice. It’s not about suddenly becoming a sage with a great sense of comedic timing. It’s about speaking from the place of knowing who you are, having a good heart, and sharing that with the world. It’s about trusting your intentions.
Yes, you are going to say ridiculous things. You probably will still be the type who speaks before the filters have kicked in. The point is that you are speaking authentically. You aren’t couching your words to please another. You won’t be sizing up the audience to try to determine what they would most like to hear.
You will be offering up what is in your heart and mind. Some words will be wise. Some words will be funny. Some words will undoubtedly be stupid.
But they will be your words. Continue reading →
We were standing at the coffee bar in an independently owned bookstore. The bookstore was the center of what was a farmer’s market – lots of individual booths selling candles, handcrafts, chocolates and cookies, kites, sunglasses and other things you might think you want, but you’ve managed to live without up ‘til now. The air was filled with the happy Saturday buzz that comes from relaxed people who aren’t rushing to work or appointments.
We had been chatting about what new book we wanted to check out when the female barista came to take our drink order. He gave her his most engaging smile, and she seemed to melt under his gaze.
And for what seemed like the millionth time, I felt those familiar pangs. The strings attached to my heart were yanked, and I felt a palpable twinge – that twinge I get every time he smiles at someone (a woman) other than me. I stood there, watching their exchange, telling myself, “For God’s sake, he’s just ordering coffee. He’s not asking her to jump in the sack.”
But the pangs intensified.
I tried to talk my heart into relaxing. I tried to explain to my heart that a lifetime of insecurities has created this habit of flinching every time the person I love devotes attention to any female other than me. Continue reading →
Last night I went to my 30th high school reunion. I had a great time, even though I thought I might have to pull my car to the side of the road and throw up on the way there. All the insecurities I dealt with 30 years ago seemed to bubble to the surface, as my car approached the tavern where the event was held.
It was fun.
I’m glad it’s over.
Note to high school reunion planners: Continue reading →
That window gets smaller every year – that time between the excitement of spring planting and the heat of summer bringing pervasive weeds.
This year the window was particularly small. Seems like we waited forever for summer to get here, and suddenly the weeds have taken over the garden.
I headed out this morning, spade in hand, to perch on my little stool, and begin a little garden therapy. The tomatoes, herbs and pumpkins are being taken over because of neglect. More garden counseling sessions are in store.
As I started pulling, I went for the biggest weeds. By pulling the largest weeds first, it made the task less daunting. The big weeds make it look like there are more renegades in the garden than there really are.
The big stuff magnified all the little stuff. Continue reading →
