Today I’m going to be a narcissist. I’m going to put myself first.
I need to get something done – for me. In order to do that, I need to put all your stuff aside.
You know I love you. Right? And all day long, while I’m making myself a priority, I’ll still be loving you. But – just for today – I need to make some progress on my* list.
“Focus, already!”
“You’ve heard from him. Knock it off.”
“There must be something wrong. I sent him that email 20 minutes ago, and still no response.”
Such are the words inside the mind of an Anxious Attacher.
She might start the day optimistic. She’ll have her to-do list ready, her projects prioritized, her appointments scheduled and her coffee consumed. She’ll be heading down a productive path that gets things crossed off her list, helps her feel positive and full of energy, and then… she gets an email where he sounds a little off. He sounds like he might be out of sorts. He may not even be out of sorts, but she so adeptly reads between the lines that she’ll be convinced he’s out of sorts by the fifth time she’s reread his email. Continue reading →
Hank had finished polishing the bar when two women approached and perched on adjacent stools. He waited for a pause in their conversation before asking what they’d like. He heard the brunette say, “Well, you know that I’m always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. It’s the way I’ve always been.”
The blonde laughed. “I know, but you have had the shoe drop in pretty much every one of your relationships.”
The brunette said, “Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” She looked at Hank. “Hi, I’ll have the house cab. How are you?”
The blonde said, “I’ll have the same. Thanks.”
Dear Experts in Childhood Development,
I am divorced from my children’s father. You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids. You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.
You also give me advice on how to handle bullies. I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior. You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is. You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.
My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.
I’m confused.
You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name. Isn’t that a contradiction? Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →
Becoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.
It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection. Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.
She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority. Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority. Wouldn’t he? How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority? She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand. She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority? Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family? Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home? Will we parent as a team? Will you change diapers? Are you okay with breastfeeding? Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”
She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it. INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →
You’ve been gaslighted if you feel backed into a corner and told you are “too sensitive” for your own good.
If you second-guess your thoughts, re-read your sent email file and wonder if you ought to try to be kinder …
If the mere thought of seeing that person gives you an upset stomach …
If you normally sleep well, but lately you wake in the middle of the night to re-visit conversations, wondering how you could have been so misinterpreted … Continue reading →
“I was watching your eye contact as you visited. That was weird. Your eyes were tearing up when he was talking to you, but it was a friendly conversation. What was that about?”
Jen wiped her eyes. “I can’t look at him without my eyes watering. It’s uncomfortable – not like I’m gonna cry, but more like my eyes hurt. So I pretend like I’ve got an eyelash in my eye and I keep rubbing them. It’s just really uncomfortable to keep my eyes on him for very long when he’s talking – or any time.”
I turned to Will, “What do you think?”
Will shook his head, “I feel the same way. It’s hard to look at him for long. Oh, and I feel myself getting anxious when I try to tell him something. Like I’m afraid he’ll criticize what I say, so I say it fast so I can get it over with, and then I sound like I’m slurring my words.”
I said, “Yeah, and then you open yourself up for more criticism.” Continue reading →
“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”
The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head. “That’s a tough one. It depends on the ages of your kids. It depends on how close they are to their mom. It depends on whether they have a support network besides you. It depends on a lot of things.” The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order. When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”
“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer? Is he all of 22?”
“That’s the one. I knew his folks. They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids. The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen. Not much he could do about it, really. She was good. But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves. Now look at the kid.”
“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →
Guest Post by JennWay back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.
Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.
So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.
We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →
“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”
“Huh?”
“Put the pedal to the plastic. Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic. Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel. Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.
“Thanks for clarifying. I think.”
And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom! Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →
“So what if I kept the conversation going on your projects? I’ll ask the questions and then maybe dad will join in. What do you think?”
We were taking a long walk through the neighborhood, trying to come up with a plan to suit both kids for the next day’s dad visit. As we walked, we watched charcoal storm clouds build south of town.
That should have been my first clue.
Jen said, “I know how that will go. I’ll answer you and start talking about a project, and he’ll quit listening, like he always does.”
Jen walked to the edge of the street when she saw a car coming. Will had to be made aware of the car. (That pretty much sums up my experiences parenting a boy and a girl.) Continue reading →
wow.
wow.
Things have changed a lot in five years. We not only survive, but we thrive on a mostly daily basis. The health of my kids (and myself!) is testament to the power of connection, the awesomeness of being heard, the cathartic healing found in knowledge and the magic of friendship. Continue reading →
He’s a teenager.
We used to read each other’s mind. I’d leave him in the living room with a stack of blocks and head to the kitchen to get him a snack. He didn’t know that I was on my way to open the fridge, but he’d yell, “Bwuebewwies, pwease!”
And that’s how it was for years.
It did happen the other day in the car. We heard a song on the radio and we simultaneously referenced a video we’d seen about an amazing guy who turned a carrot into a flute or saxophone – some orange wind instrument. Anyway, on occasion, Will and I are actually on the same page.
Whew! Mercury goes direct today.
For those of you who don’t believe in such things, I’m here to tell you that it would be good to prepare yourself before the next Mercury in Retrograde.
My track record is spotty with surviving retrograde. This is the first with Will having his driver’s license. I held my breath for three weeks and we skated through without incident. We did have transportation issues when it came to who had the keys. That’s probably more a function of two drivers in a family with only one car. Can’t blame that one on Mercury.
Will did have a ton of computer issues with his brand new laptop. He seems to think it’s getting better. We shall see. Will might be the first to tell you that those transportation issues also apply to rafts on creeks. (Not letting him on a raft in a Retrograde. Ever again.)
Jenny kept her head down, but was quite distressed by some communication issues with her dad – more so than she has been in the recent past. She blamed that on Mercury and her dad. Continue reading →
The family had split into separate canoes some time ago. Initially, the paddling was difficult. The water was choppy and the canoe carrying the mother and the two children took on water more times than not. The father was in a canoe by himself. He didn’t seem to mind the rough waters. Truth be told, he seemed to prefer making waves and watching the other three struggle to keep their canoe afloat.
In time, the three found their rhythm. They paddled in sync and enjoyed the view. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but they became adept at riding out the storms. They’d hunker down, breathe through the rapids, remember not to hang on too tightly (because that makes the ride more tense), and make each other laugh.
More recently, when his canoe approached, he’d be paddling more gently. She dared to believe that he might not want to rock their boat anymore. A couple sunny days found the canoes gliding side by side as the four exchanged stories of golf, fishing, and fairy gardens.
One afternoon, both canoes were beached as the four discussed a possible journey to be taken by the father and the two children. The mother was included, and they all smiled through the conversation. The talking was easy. Each opinion was heard. The children were asked to think about the proposed adventure and let the father know, the next day, if they planned to go with him. Continue reading →
