Posts Tagged: marriage

Control / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

snow in the shadeShe’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect.  He needed the car to stay clean.  He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern.  He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval.  She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines.  Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 11 Comments
22
Jul 13

On Goddesses, Full Moons and the Wisdom of a 10 Year Old

We were walking to the park.  The day’s heat was turning into the moist cool of night.  “So…  that was probably the longest phone call you’ve had with your dad in as long as I can remember?”

“Yeah.  Whew!  A lot… of questions.”

“Well…  what do you think?”

“What I am supposed to think?”

“I said that wrong.  How do you feel?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Stories — 4 Comments
8
Jul 13

When The Narcissist Leaves

I’d only seen her a handful of times since college.  She would come into town from the ranch and once in awhile our paths would cross.  My kids were younger than hers.  Her kids were stretching out in that teenage growth spurt phase.  I never seemed to recognize them.

We’d compare notes on kids and life.  Her life was foreign to me – ranch wife raising two kids while teaching in a one-room school and helping her husband as much as time would allow.

She had that outdoors look – lots of sun and wind and the way the elements make creases in places she didn’t like, but ways I envied.

One of the last times I saw her, the creases appeared deeper.  Her eyes had lost their sparkle.  She was beyond tired.  I assumed she was exhausted from keeping up with teenagers, school work, ranch life and marriage.

She didn’t have time to chat.  I didn’t ask any questions. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 2 Comments
29
Jun 13

When Your Best Is Good Enough

She was flitting from one to the other.  She didn’t have time to look for worms.  Many times they may have been given a bit of sand instead of a grub or a Chokecherry berry.

She was doing her best, and her best produced plump, tweeting, happy teenage Robins.

Between three squawking teenage kids, the momma Robin was moving fast.  She’d barely get something in one beak, and a second beak was in her face.  In their birdy language, they were saying, “Over hear!”  “What about me?”  “Can I have more?”

She obliged with tenderness and efficiency.

I spied them from a window.  I watched as she flitted as if she’d never tire.  I was so proud of her.  She was focused on her most important job.  I said, “Hey, you guys.  I know what my next post will be about… ” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
4
Jun 13

Narcissists in Glass Houses

There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else.  This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses.   You can’t throw a stone and break this glass.  This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.

You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it.  You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.

You can hear the narcissist and his word salads.  You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.

You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better.  When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.

He won’t be watching. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 7 Comments
27
May 13

One Afternoon at the Cemetery

She winds the strands of her beaded necklace through delicate fingers. Tilting her head back, she exhales, and points the ember in the direction of the couple yelling at their dog.

“What is it with people and their dogs? I mean, dogs are swell, but why bring your dog to the cemetery and then yell at it for running through the grass and sniffing at other folks?  For God’s sake!  Get that dog to a park, let it run and stop yelling at it.”

“Gladys, you’re dropping ashes on your dress. Shouldn’t you be more careful, dear?”

“Thanks, Margaret, but you know I’ve got more dresses where this one came from. It’s just a dress. What kind of pie are you making today? Lemon chiffon? Banana cream? Or blueberry? I love hot blueberry pie dripping with real cream – not that stuff they call cream now-a-days.”

“Hey, Gladys. You sure they can’t hear us? You sure I can skate off of these grave markers? Nobody’ll care, right?” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Stories — 4 Comments
9
May 13

Still She Waits

A story…

She is standing at the stove when he walks in.  “Mom, when’s dinner gonna be ready?”

“Soon, honey.  The sauce is ready.  Salad’s in the fridge.  Garlic bread is in the oven.  There’s nothing more for me to do besides cook the pasta.  I’m just waiting for the water to come to a boil for the spaghetti.  We’ll eat when dad gets home.”

“K.  I’m just gonna get my soccer stuff for the game tonight.”

  Continue reading →

Moving On — 12 Comments
23
Apr 13

On When to Leave

 

Have you ever stood outside waiting for the 4th of July Fireworks to start while swatting mosquitoes and listening to the bats as they whiz by your head?  The first chrysanthemum explodes and your kid says, “Mom, how will I know when it’s the grand finale?”

“You’ll just know.”

I’ve stood there through twenty minutes of ooooos and ahhhhhs saying, “No, honey, that’s not it.  Nope, Will, that’s not it either.  Jenny, put your hood up so the mosquitoes can’t get to your ears.  Nope, not yet, Will.”

“Mom, will I know it when it comes?”

“Yes, honey, there’s no doubt when it’s the grand finale.  It’s not like the others.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off on On When to Forgive
4
Mar 13

On When to Forgive

How do we forgive our fathers, maybe in a dream?

Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little?

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous, because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying our mothers, for divorcing, or not divorcing our mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?

Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning, for shutting doors, for speaking through walls, or never speaking, or never being silent?

Do we forgive our fathers in our age or in theirs?  Or in their deaths, saying it to them, or not saying it?

If we forgive our fathers what is left?

 
– Thomas Builds-the-Fire 
from the movie, Smoke Signals

 

 

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 9 Comments
9
Feb 13

When Narcissism Runs in the Family

Guest Post by Jenn

I never knew anything about narcissism until I married into a family with three narcissists.  It was years before I made this discovery, and in those early years, I felt like I was losing my mind.  The particular family I had married into managed to turn narcissism into a generational art, and so every single member of this family (including the one I married) thought that type of behavior was normal. (Quick note: my husband is not a narcissist.  He has his own issues, but narcissism isn’t one of them.)  And because I didn’t agree with it, fought against it, and generally rattled the glass on their pristine cage… well, let’s just say it didn’t really end well.

For many reasons, at least one of these narcissists is still involved in my personal life.  Because of this, survival skills are a must.  Something I have learned from spending 12.5 years with a dysfunctional family full of narcissists is they will eat you alive and spit you out with a smile on their collective faces if you let them.  Am I angry?  Yes.  Yes, I am.  But most of the time, I’m able to move past that to the aforementioned survival skills which (along with about a year of counseling from a wonderful therapist) have helped me to keep my sense of self when the world felt like it was falling apart all around me.

Listen to your body.  This sounds silly, but when I sat down and thought about how North American society teaches us to take medication and ignore our body’s reaction to something, it made much more sense to me.  If being in a certain situation or around a certain person (or people), habitually makes you fell ill, uncomfortable, or like you need to be on Xanax, chances are your body is screaming at you to get away from whatever it is.

Educate yourself.  Once you’ve made the discovery that something is really, REALLY bothering you, it might be a good idea to see what you can find out about it.  I found that reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was very helpful in that it gave me an explanation for the behaviors I was seeing.

Get yourself some resources.  Jesse’s blog was like a warming balm on a spasming muscle when I found it.  There are other resources online, as well as books you can check out (or purchase, if you love highlighting as much as I do) that will give tons of information on NPD.  Another recent blog post that is very helpful can be found on TalkTherapyBiz.com. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Stories — 4 Comments
17
Jan 13

On Broken Hearts

“Well,” the Goddess said,
“your heart didn’t heal straight the last time it broke.
So we’ll break it again and reset it so it heals straight this time.”
– Jane Yolen
 
 
 
 
 

*Maybe if we looked at it this way,
a broken heart wouldn’t seem insurmountable.

Random Observations / Stories — 15 Comments
15
Jan 13

The Jigsaw Puzzle

She was too exhausted to untie the bundle.  He stood next to her and excitedly pulled at the bow that was wrapped tightly around the four corners of the blanket.  His hands were shaking.  He fumbled a bit, but the blanket fell open to reveal the most precious gift.  He gently placed the baby in her arms.  They didn’t notice the green organza bag that fell out of the blanket to the floor.

They cooed at the baby while the nurse placed the green bag inside an overnight bag.

__________

A couple days later a tired, happy, new mom unpacked the overnight bag.  Inside she found the shiny green bag.  Was it a gift from the hospital?  In her exhaustion, had she forgotten who’d brought her this unusual gift?  She opened the bag to find seven brightly colored pieces from a jigsaw puzzle.  Surely there was a puzzle somewhere that was missing important pieces.  Who could this belong to?

She was too tired to sort out the mystery, so she placed the green bag on the shelf above the changing table. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Stories — 24 Comments
21
Dec 12

A Good Kind of Christmas

She had hoped he’d walk into the kitchen, smell the Spritz Cookies baking in the oven, warmly greet the kids, and come up behind to wrap her in his arms and whisper, “Merry Christmas, honey.”  Instead, he walked in, grabbed the vacuum and started bumping into their toes as he cleaned up flour dust and cookie sprinkles.  “Daddy, aren’t the cookies pretty?”  He took a few more swipes with the vacuum and said, “Yes, honey, now let’s start cleaning up this mess.”

She’d planned to stroll arm-in-arm, watching the snow fall, seeing the Christmas lights twinkle, and enter shops to jointly select Santa’s gifts for the kids.  Instead, he told her that he was too busy and shopping was a wife’s job.

She decorated the tree with ornaments the kids had made, hung the stockings she’d sewn for each of them, and hand-colored the Christmas cards she’d planned to mail to their friends and family.  He told her he’d already sent cards to his friends and family, and that she didn’t need to bother combining his list with her list.

She put lots of thought into the gift she would make for him – maybe a collage of photos from his childhood, or a shadow box full of keepsakes from his outdoor adventures.  He let out a sigh of frustration when he asked, “So, what should I be getting you this year?”

He’d sit on the couch and watch TV while she read The Tub People’s Christmas. When the kids giggled over the arrival of Santa in the story, he asked if they’d keep it down so he could hear his show. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
27
Nov 12

When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee

“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”

“… and divorced.”

“Yeah.  That, too.  So how are you doing with it all…  the being divorced?”

“Well, I’m sleeping.  I’m eating.  My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time.  I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning.  How are you feeling?”

“Same for me.  I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks.  For the first time since…  oh….  probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homeschool / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
9
Nov 12

What is Said and What is Heard

She means business when she decides to snow.He said:  Your face looks full with that haircut.

She heard:  Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.

 

She said:  That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.

He heard:  That looks pretty good, BUT …

 

They said:  Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?

She heard:  You’re going to ruin them for life.

 

He said:  I can’t live like this anymore.

She heard:  Do things my way or I’m out of here.

 

He said:  I don’t care what we do, you decide.

She heard:  I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.

 

She said:  I don’t care what we do, you decide.

He heard:  It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.

 

He said:  That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.

He heard:  You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.

 

He said:  Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.

She heard:  If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.

 

They said:  You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.

She heard:  You are doing it all wrong.

 

He said:  I like it better when you do it this way.

She heard:  I don’t like you the way you are.

 

She said:  I heard you, but we are doing it my way.

He heard:  Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.

 

 

She said:  Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.

They heard:  We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.

 

They said:  Love you.

She heard:  Love you.

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →