people ignoring each other can make. – Eoin Colfer
Posts Tagged: marriage
5
Nov 12
On Ignoring Each Other
people ignoring each other can make. – Eoin Colfer
29
Oct 12
Bringing Out the Best in Each Other
The turning leaves are enhanced by the dusting of white on the river bank. The leaves aren’t frosted in white, and the white bank isn’t covered with amber leaves.
The leaves and the snow bring out the beauty in each other.
__________
She offers to fill my calendar along with her own, and laughs when I say, “We’ll take a rain check on that one.” Continue reading →
18
Oct 12
The Tyranny of Narcissism
Guest Post by Zaira
Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.
I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.
There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.
Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:
“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →
16
Oct 12
Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist
You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.
You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.
You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.
You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.
3
Jul 12
When He Cries
Beware of men who cry.It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings,
but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with
are their own. – Nora Ephron
Beware the man who, when you tell him you’re leaving your husband, starts to cry and lament the fact that his wife left him five years ago.
Beware the man who, when surrounded by the beauty of his own children, sheds “happy” tears about a stranger’s five year old daughter who sat on his lap and kissed his cheek.
Embrace the man who gazes at you and tears up because he knows his life is blessed by your presence; and he makes it his mission to never let you feel taken for granted.
30
Jun 12
Do You Know Your Tolerance Level?
She brings him a mug of coffee and says, “How’d you sleep?”
He says, “I slept great. How ’bout you?”
She says, “How can you sleep with that incessant dripping coming from the bathroom sink?”
He says, “That bugs you? I can hear it but I just roll over and go back to sleep.”
__________ Continue reading →
26
May 12
Proof of Love
The bouquet looks tired. She ought to have pitched it a couple days ago. She turns the vase to view the arrangement from a different angle and convinces herself that if she changed the water, she could enjoy it for another day or two.
He leaves hand prints in the dust on the cover of the box as he opens it. The box contains a package of lures, empty 22 shells, skateboard bearings, tech deck pieces and pictures of successful fishing trips. He keeps the packaging from the gifts. He’s yet to use the lures for fear he’ll lose one.
He closes the box and grabs for his cell. He’s hoping to make plans to shoot gophers or stop at the convenience store to pick up worms and go fishing or take a long bike ride. He leaves another message.
She devotes a drawer in her vanity to notes and cards. There’s one her dad have given her on her twelfth birthday. There’s a scribbled note from the boy that sat behind her in 8th grade English. She found a couple from college roommates.
The drawer is lined with the glitter sprinkled on the “fancier” cards. She remembers being a little girl excitedly opening a birthday card. The glitter would stick to her fingers as she read the card’s message. She believed receiving a fancy card was a sign of a true, lasting kind of love. Continue reading →
2
Apr 12
He Might Be A Narcissist If …
… before you were married, he said flattering things about the way you dressed and the clever way you put yourself together. After marriage, he tells you how he never liked boots with skirts, and that you shouldn’t wear your hair short because it makes your face look full.
… he refuses to suggest that you spend a day doing something you’ve been talking about – something he knows you’ve been dying to do – until you beg him to go with you.
… he spends more time getting ready in the morning than you. His lotions and potions take up more space in the bathroom than your creams, and he often smells more fragrant than you.
… before marriage he was convinced you did everything perfectly. Now that you’ve been married for eight months you’ve mysteriously forgotten how to cook an egg, sweep a floor, make a proper bed or keep the car tidy.
… he says you spend too much time reading and not enough time watching the stuff he likes on T.V. Continue reading →
6
Mar 12
Listening To My Body*
I walked out of the doctor’s office and ran across the street to the drug store where everyone knew me by name. I was out of Pepcid. I had a box in the bathroom, two in the kitchen cupboard, one in the office desk, and one under the car seat, but the box in my purse was empty.
I had made an appointment hoping to discover a name for this thing that caused me to go through antacids the way a nervous first-year college student goes through cigarettes.
The doctor ruled out pregnancy, gall bladder, and Crohn’s.
Last month, I’d asked my OB-Gyn if it was typical to require a prescription in order to stay married. She said, “Jesse, I think you know the answer.”
Today, in the doctor’s sterile office with the posters advertising the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, I asked, “What now? Do I live on Pepcid for the rest of my life? Is this normal?” Continue reading →
24
Jan 12
You Can’t See Me Until I Do
There is an undercurrent of truth seekers in the river of life.
They are everywhere.
Some carry backpacks full of self-help books. Some can be seen taking a Myers-Briggs Test at the corner table in Starbucks. Some fill yoga classes. Some do Tai Chi on a sunny afternoon at the park, and they don’t care who might be watching.
Some might meditate.
Some might write in a dog-eared journal. Continue reading →
13
Jan 12
Tales From Moving On
She hadn’t written him a letter explaining. She hadn’t told him she was leaving. She didn’t realize – until she saw her hands putting her journal, a laptop, and some clothes in a box – that she was leaving.
As she packed, her mind wasn’t going over the possibilities of what would come next. She hadn’t made a six-month plan or a five-year plan. She hadn’t given serious consideration to finding work or a house. She didn’t know what she’d tell friends and family.
She needed to breathe.
In order to breathe, she would have to leave her marriage.
As she packed, her thoughts were consumed with, “What do I need to take with me because I am never coming back here.” Her hands operated as if on auto-pilot. Her demeanor was calm and determined. She didn’t frantically start grabbing things from the kitchen cupboards. She methodically filled one box with a few necessities for starting a new life. Continue reading →
5
Jan 12
The Day She Gave Up On Herself
She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself. She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.”
It just happened.
Like so many things just happen.
Team Players Continue reading →
10
Oct 11
Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?
As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.
“Hey, you!” Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.
She said, “Hey, yourself! I never walk this time of the day.”
I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”
She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”
*Gulp!*
(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.” I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”
__________
She is an acquaintance and a published author.
While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.
I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.
Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format! The quotes and pictures round out the whole message. How is it selling?”
*Gulp.*
Then she said, “Your message will find the right people. You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last. You showed how that balance is necessary. There’s a lot written about that right now. It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”
We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.
__________
As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”
Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening – I said, “Huh? Who?”
She said, “The narcissist. Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”
My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”
What other sane reason could there be?
This time I didn’t offer that explanation. I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”
She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”
28
Sep 11
Sound Advice
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
- If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
- If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
- Your gut always tells the truth.
- If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
- If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
- Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
- Respect has nothing to do with age.
- It doesn’t need to be this hard.
- If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
- If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
- It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
- It’s okay to not like everyone.
- If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
- Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
- Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
- They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
- Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
- Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
- There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
- There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early. (See above on sleep and makeup.)
- Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
- We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
