We were walking to the park. The day’s heat was turning into the moist cool of night. “So… that was probably the longest phone call you’ve had with your dad in as long as I can remember?”
“Yeah. Whew! A lot… of questions.”
“Well… what do you think?”
“What I am supposed to think?”
“I said that wrong. How do you feel?”
“I feel like how it feels when I’m with someone who doesn’t feel good to be around, but I still wish he’d love me for who I am.”
“Do you think he’s trying?”
“Yeah. I s’pose. It’s weird that a dad would have to try to know his daughter.”
“Yeah. I know. Sometimes the people who feel best to be around aren’t necessarily blood relatives.”
“That’s for sure.”
We made the corner to the park on the top of the hill. Her legs have gotten longer, our pace is quicker. “So, mom… it’s my turn to ask the questions.”
“Okay. Go ahead.”
“How did it feel when you were going out with him?”
“Oh…. kinda like I was peddling uphill all the time, could never get enough of a breath to keep my legs moving, and I wasn’t in charge of where my bike was going.”
“K…. and how did it feel when you stopped going out?”
“Ah… kinda like riding down a gentle hill, no hands, only having to peddle to keep my balance, and knowing exactly where my bike was going.”
“So how did it feel when you got that email today?”
“Like fingers tightening around my neck.”
“So… you know what to do, right?”
“Oh, there’s no doubt what to write back. I just have to find a kind way to say it.”
“You will.”
“You know… I probably shouldn’t be discussing this with my 10 year old daughter.”
“How else am I gonna learn this stuff? Shees! I don’t think I wanna be a counselor!”
“Yeah, well you’d make a good one.”
At the top of the hill with a clear view of the rising full moon, there isn’t a breeze or a dog to break the quiet or a car passing by to disturb the peace.
“Wow! Check out that moon!”
“It’s full today, you know.”
“Yeah, today felt like a full moon day.”
“No kidding. Can I gather bits of glass on the way home? You know I’ll be careful, right?”
She bends to pick up the tiniest shard of clear glass. “Good eye! How’d you see that one?” I bend to pick up what I think is glass only it isn’t. “What are you gonna do with the glass? And you know that I know that you are careful, right? I just say, ‘Be careful’ out of habit. Cuz I love you and I care and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know. You tell me to be careful cuz that’s what moms do, not because you have lesser expectations of me.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
“So what are you making?”
She bends to pick up a green piece of glass and says, “I’m gonna make mermaid tears.”
“I s’pose you saw this online?”
“Well, I was Googling mermaid jewelry and everything that came up was an image of a necklace or something with a mermaid on it. I wanted to make the kind of jewelry that a mermaid actually wears.”
I bend to pick up two pieces of glass at the end of a driveway. “Yeah, so how’d that lead to mermaid tears?”
“Well, I kept searching and landed on this site that said the tumbled broken glass found on beaches is called mermaid tears, so I looked up tumbled, painted glass. Then I found this recipe for painting glass on a site about giving a baby shower. So if I use school glue and mix it with paint, sand the edges of the glass and paint it …”
“Wow. That’s awesome. Isn’t that cool how one search led to another, and then you came up with a cool idea on your own?”
“Yeah. I love how one thing leads to another.”
“Me, too. Kinda like our conversation. Here, I’ll carry the glass bits in this paper.” She hands me pieces of glass and we make a turn to the west. The setting sun creates shades of purple on the horizon, casting a glow on her face. I wonder if every mom thinks her daughter is as beautiful as I think she is.
“So, mom… can I lecture you about Goddesses?”
“Um… how about you enlighten me about Goddesses. I like that word better.”
“Me, too. So… can I enlighten you about Goddesses?”
“Of course. I’d love it.”
“So, I Googled the goddess that equals INTJ. That’s Athena. Isn’t that cool? She’s the goddess of wisdom and an inventor.”
“Geez! That’s you. You’ve got the Greek helmut, the sword, the whole bit. Look at the way you invent projects. That’s you, for sure.”
“I know, and then last night I took a test to see which goddess I was. It said I was Artemis! Artemis carried a bow and arrow and she was the goddess of the hunt. She loved plants and animals, like me! And she was Athena’s sister. Isn’t that cool?”
“That’s way cool!”
“Mom, you are INFJ and that’s Hestia.”
“Tell me about Hestia.”
“Well, she’s the goddess of domestic life – the home and the hearth! Isn’t that you? You are a happy homebody. She loved harmony in the home and she was tall. Like you! And mom, she never married.”
“Hestia sounds like a smart goddess. I guess she didn’t need anyone to help keep her home fires burning.”
“Mom, lots of goddesses never married. That’s just what our economy says you should do.”
“Do you mean society?”
“Whatever. You don’t have to be married, you know.”
She skips to the top of the next rise and says, “Hey, look at the purple sun!”
I stop to take in the view, “I wish we could see the full moon better from our house.”
“You know, mom. You are always saying it’s good to get exercise. We can go for a walk, see the full moon and the purple sun at the same time. Maybe that’s enough.”
“You’re right, honey. Maybe that’s enough.”
Tags: a girl can dream, child of narcissist, cuz I am Woman, encouragement, gratitude, life, love, marriage
Jenny is an amazing child. One of two.
Pat,
I know I learn more from them than they do from me.
WOW! Thank you Jenny for your wisdom. You know that ‘old soul’ saying. Yep, that’s it right there. It’s a gift to us all. xxx
Dear Jesse,
just delurked to share this info with Jenny regarding mermaids and the kind of jewelry they actually wear:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074846/
This is a wonderful movie based on Hans Christian Andersen’s “The little mermaid”. The original title is “Malá morská víla”, maybe you can find it on Netflix.
During the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, the Czech movie business was so heavily censored that some of their finest directors and actors stopped making movies for grown-ups altogether and poured all their talent into making children’s movies.
“Malá morská víla” is aproduct of that era. I am sure Jenny would love it.
I watched it 30 years ago, and the image of the little mermaid’s necklace has burned itself into my memory forever.
Thank you so much for writing this blog! My father was/is a narcissist, and reading your blog helps me a lot to give meaning to childhood experiences.
Wow Jesse, that’s one smart, amazing young lady you’re raising. I am in awe of how insightful she is, but then again you create and promote an environment in which they can be. You are all lucky to have the love and support of one another. Happy weekend to you & your troop :),
Z,
She grinned at being called an old soul.
Jul,
Thanks so much for sharing this link. Jenny’s excited to see if we can find it.
All the best,
Jesse
Kira,
It’s always so nice to see you here.
We just got back from a little road trip. It’s good to be home. Hope you are well.
Hi Jesse,
found a clip on Youtube that shows the necklace:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56xusKfsBxM
It is a fandub, not the original sound, but the song is the same as in the movie. The little mermaid tells the witch where she got each of the three stones from her necklace and sings a song about the stones and their powers.
Jul,
Thanks!
The song is beautiful/haunting. Jenny watched and is intrigued.
She made her own necklace today with Shrinky Dinks. As I type this, she’s sitting beside me sewing a mermaid.
It’s fun to watch one who is so engulfed in her passions.
Road trips are such fun! Exhausting too, but fun. Glad you all enjoyed yourselves. I am well thanks for asking. In awe that summer when soon will be fall again.