Child of Narcissist « Surviving Narcissism

Child of Narcissist

You Get Me

“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this thing with your dad, but I’m still glad I married him.”

Jenny looked out the car window and said, “It’d be cool if they made some sort of selective amnesia drug. You know, cuz then you could pick and choose what you wanna remember and then forget the dad parts.”

“But a lot of the dad parts have you and your brother in them, and I don’t wanna forget those.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jen turned to look at me, “Well, you know I don’t mean it like, ‘Yeah, we’re awesome, you wouldn’t wanna forget us.'”

I laughed and said, “I know what you meant, honey. You didn’t mean it like a narcissist.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 6 Comments
3
Jan 17

The Pep Talk

I winced when I heard the door slam on 2016, and I’m the one who slammed it so hard.

Three days into this new year and I’m still wincing. I’m apprehensive, unsteady, exhausted and excited – all at the same time. The holidays took over kicking my butt, where 2016 left off. I spent so much time talking about being glad 2016 was over, that I’m nervous about that energy following me into 2017. You know what they say, “Whatever you talk about, you attract.”

I read a “motivational” post the other day that pointed out that all that complaining about 2016 is misdirected. The writer went on to say that we ought to be reevaluating the choices made in 2016 that led to the messes, and make damn sure to point ourselves in a new direction.

That hurt a bit when I read that. So all that was my fault? Really? Don’t tell me to pull up my big girl pants. I hate that expression. As a single mom, I’ve been the one wearing the pants since day one.

But it’s true. It is my fault. I made the choices. I created that gigantic mess. Continue reading →

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4
Oct 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 14

If you’ve read this far, and you aren’t an INFJ ….

Let’s be real. The only reason you’d read this if you aren’t an INFJ is because you are my mom or my aunt. We know that narcissists wouldn’t read this series, so we’ll rule them out.

If anyone other than an INFJ stumbled upon this series, they’d be saying, “What were you thinking? Why did you put up with that? Why didn’t you leave sooner? Hell! Why did you marry him to begin with? Maybe you are the one with the problems. YOU are the one with the issues. Why would you lose yourself in a relationship like that?”

To the INFJs reading this, I don’t need to explain. You know why I stayed as long as I did.

You, dear INFJ, are here to find some sort of compassion or understanding or an explanation. You want to know that you aren’t the only person (please stop calling yourself a fool) who would put up with so much bullshit. You want to believe that there are people out there who care about relationships as deeply as you do. Continue reading →

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24
Sep 16

Signs of Thriving

Six years ago, when on a road trip, we had stopped for treats and Will took a good 15 minutes to decide between types of beef jerky. (How different can they be?) Jen and I would have used the restroom, gotten our drinks and goodies, and stood by the car watching the sun setting while he was still trying to make a choice.

I remember thinking I’ve got to help that kid learn how to choose without worrying about making a mistake. He’d grown accustomed to having his choices doubted and questioned. He’d pick a blue t-shirt and his dad would say, “Why did you pick that color. You should pick green.” He would order a coke, and his dad would say, “No! You are having lemonade.”

Will had a history of making “bad” choices, as far as his dad was concerned, so any time he was faced with making a decision, he was paralyzed. Even if his dad wasn’t there.

Now, when Will drives up to a convenience store, he’s in and out faster than I am. And when it comes to making the big choices, like his first rifle or a pair of skis, he does his homework. He looks at reviews online. He asks for the opinions of others. He’ll search out a clerk at the store and pummel him with questions. When he feels confident with his choice – and he does – he proceeds.

It’s a beautiful thing to see. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — 10 Comments
24
Aug 16

The Good News

If you have children with a narcissist, you’ve probably read up on how to co-parent with one.

I won’t go into what that looks like, other than to say that an adult with the maturity of a six year old doesn’t have any interest in parenting.

Jen recently turned 14. Somewhere during the day she was heard saying, “Four more years. Four more years until I don’t have to spend my birthdays with him.”

Will turns 18 in less than a month. You can probably imagine who will NOT be invited to Will’s party this year. Continue reading →

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30
Jul 16

On Being Dismissed

Every month this blog gets visited by souls who search, “Why did he dismiss me?” or “Why have I been dismissed?” or “She dismissed me, does she love me?”

In all these years of writing, reading and learning about narcissism, I’ve seen many differing opinions on why the narcissist chooses to dismiss.

The narcissist dismisses you when you stop being her source.

You’ve been dismissed because he has found a more enthusiastic source.

She dismissed you because you no longer buy into her grandiosity or her Mega Supreme-ness. (Good for you!)

Continue reading →

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21
May 16

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

Today is the day we’ve planned to drive around in hopes a new kitten will fall in love with our family. Last night, as we said our good nights and brushed teeth, we had a hard time containing our excitement.

This morning, Will has barely made it to the top of the stairs before asking, “What time are we heading out to find a new kitten?”

I assure him that we’ll go as soon as we’ve had a chance to ease in and have coffee.

A half hour later, I’m doing a coconut pull. Invariably, someone needs to ask me a question, or I need to tell the kids something the minute I’ve pulled the spoon from my lips. This morning is no different. Before I hit the shower, I want to tell them what time to plan on heading out to hunt for a new feline sister.

Sometimes the communicating during a coconut pull works. Whether it works or not, it’s always funny – a lot like playing charades. Continue reading →

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10
May 16

That’s Not Love

I woke with a familiar, 40-year-old heartache. I pulled on my robe while heading up to make coffee. With each step, the strong voice in my head chanted, “That’s not love.”

In the dream, it was my birthday. He carefully, and in great deal, explained the gifts he’d purchased. He discussed the lengths he’d gone to in order to find the perfect items. He talked of how he’d spent so much energy tracking down these ideal presents. “Aren’t they beautiful? Do you like how I put this together? I found the perfect gifts, didn’t I?” I reached out to touch the smooth fabric and he said, “Oh, no. These aren’t for you.” I woke with a racing heart and a need to vomit.

The 12 year old deep down inside wanted to scream, “Hey! That’s not right. What about me?”

Fifty-something me knows the futility of trying to explain to one who lacks empathy. It’s equally tiresome to either point out that something hurts feelings, or to pretend that feelings aren’t hurt. I could say, “Hey, that hurts my feelings,” only to be told that it’s not all about me; that he has every right to buy what he wants for whomever he wants, say whatever he likes or do as he pleases.

And the 12 year old with tears welling up in her eyes thinks, “Next year, I’ll be nicer. Next year, he’ll do nice things for me. I’ll be different. I’ll be better.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
18
Apr 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

Perhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist. Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation. When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A. You rock boats just to see how people react. But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried. She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair. And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course. Who says no in the beginning of a relationship? Why risk losing something so sweet? There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Survivor Support — 8 Comments
29
Feb 16

If You Know a Child of a Narcissist

There’s a good chance you know a child of a narcissist.

This post is written for you if your friend or loved-one or relative is suffering – or has suffered – at the hands of a narcissist.

Your heart aches for her. You want to make things better for him. You want to ease their pain, even if just for a moment.

You can’t make it all go away. You can’t love them enough to make up for what their parent couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You can’t swoop in and be the caretaker they have always longed for.

You can acknowledge their hurts. You can listen and believe them when they explain who their parent was/is. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 5 Comments
10
Feb 16

A Day in the Life of an HSP Mom

My fingers are in my ears and I’m yelling, “La la la la la la la. Geez! You haven’t figured out, by now, that it’s not the best idea to tell me of your narrow misses on the ski hill?”

“I know, but it was SO cool.”

“Bud, anyone would tell you that that is just not something to tell a mom – especially an HSP mom. Tell me the gist, but please spare me the gory details.”

“Right. Right. Right. I’m sorry. I know.”

As much as I want to hear how he does on the slopes, if he gives me too many details, I know I won’t be able to let him go. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
8
Jan 16

View From the High Road

“What’s the point of always taking the high road if nothing ever changes? It gets old. Why don’t we try the low road for a change?”

“I hear your frustration, bud. It sucks. I know it does. It does get old.”

“Well, he never takes the high road.”

“Maybe you’re confused about what it means to take the high road.”

Will reached for his coffee and said, “If it doesn’t improve the situation, I don’t see the point.” Continue reading →

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18
Dec 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 12

At this point, she’s an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom, an ineffectual facilitator for the kids and their father, a disappointing wife, and basically, a single parent.

While some women have a lengthy list of chores to greet them at the beginning of each new day, she had two lists – one of her chores, and one of her failures. It’s hard to enthusiastically fold towels or chop vegies for stir-fry, all the while knowing she’d be criticized for both. Certainly, the kids were a bigger priority than perfectly folded towels, but he didn’t see things that way.

She could handle his indifference toward her. She was used to it. By now, she was aware that she’d never perform well enough to meet his standards. But it broke her heart to think he held their precious kids up to the same standards.

She noticed his growing disdain for the oldest child, and the way he patronized the youngest. Was it all in her head? Most days he treated his kids as if they were mere inconveniences.

Continue reading →

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15
Dec 15

Merry Christmas From Your Narcissistic Dad

“Dad, when do you want to get together for Christmas? Does Christmas afternoon work for you?”

“Well, I’m leaving town Christmas morning. I have that whole next week off. I’m sure your brother just wants to do a quick visit where I bring presents and we only chat for an hour, but I’d like it to be a longer visit. When are you coming to town.”

“We’ll be in town on Christmas Day and most of the week after.”

“That doesn’t work for me.”

Continue reading →

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8
Dec 15

Safety Versus Money

In hind sight, the choice was a no-brainer. Of course any sane person would choose safety over money. But, dammit, one more hit from the narcissist and I was starting to lose my sanity.

We’d given him official notice that we were moving – six weeks in advance of the move date. Prior to our little family meeting where we delivered the news, he had expressed his suspicions – to the kids – about a pending move. He wasn’t surprised.

I was the one who was surprised.

The week before our move, in an uncharacteristic one-line email, he informed me that he was lessening his financial support of the kids. I could almost hear him saying, “Take that for moving. Take that for taking my source. Take that for going on to live a happy life without me.”

I did not reply to his email. I have not spoken to him or written to him since before we moved. Continue reading →