Guest Posts

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

all that ocean and not a narcissist in sightGuest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life.  I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband.  Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist.  But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May.  After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother.  She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live.  The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days.  She wanted them for two weeks at a time.  Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks.  Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit.  We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself.  And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening.  I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating.  That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him.  Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” –  in his words.  Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive.  So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore.  So I pulled myself aside and had a chat.  The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills.  So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to.  And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
29
Jul 14

The Ending

the endingGuest Post by Anonymous

It ended with a coat…

An argument between my 12 year old son and my husband ended my 20 year marriage – all over a coat.

It was the Friday after Thanksgiving.  We had spent the better part of three days at our niece’s house, as I was helping her host her first Thanksgiving – for 20 people, no less.  We returned home Friday afternoon after a two-hour drive. I just wanted some quiet time so begged off from a housewarming party we were invited to attend.  Husband and son were preparing to go without me when a fight broke out between them over son taking a coat which husband deemed appropriate for the weather, one which son hated and refused to consider.  The fight escalated into an ugly scene – son locked husband out of house after being chased around the yard by him, in the dark. Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Survivor Support — 4 Comments
21
Jul 14

A Beginning

George Clooney's crescent wrenchSix months on the other side of divorce, this Thriver has fought the good fight, and now she’s ready to see what’s next. She’s optimistic about whatever the future may hold.  She knows it’s going to be tough to go it alone again, especially while raising a child, but she’s open to possibility and the opportunity to try again.

Maybe…  maybe a new beginning.

 

Guest Post by Anonymous

 A Beginning Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 16 Comments
7
Jan 14

You and I – A Glimpse at a Healthy Relationship Beyond Narcissism

you and iGuest Post by Zaira

 

You and I

You may never know how deeply I was affected when you came through the door at 7 a.m.  Then you crawled in my bed, noting I hadn’t slept, and held me tight.  You told me you couldn’t live without me, that you will always love me – your best friend.

You may never realize how you opened up your soul this morning or how much trust it takes to do that.  Or maybe you do.  Maybe that is the problem.  I can’t give you everything, but I can give you a lot.  A lot that your heart needs.

You may never know how much it took for me to write that text.  The one that said not to call me today.  The one that I wrote not knowing what you would do when you got it.  The scary one.

You may never realize how much I appreciate you kissing my tears away when you don’t know what to do and how it is the perfect response.  How much I need your honesty. Your unconditional love.  Love that I haven’t had before.  Love that can’t exist with a narcissist.

You and I may not be perfect. We may be indecisive, impulsive, and unsure. Our feelings are difficult and unmanageable at times.  But this love and friendship we built is one thing we did right… you and I.

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts — Comments Off on A Letter to the Children of Narcissists – from Santa
11
Dec 13

A Letter to the Children of Narcissists – from Santa

A letter from SantaHo Ho Ho!

It’s been a crazy year, hasn’t it? And you have been SO good. More than that, my friend, you ARE good. Every part of you is good, from your deeds, to your thoughts, to your disagreements with your sister, to your spilled glasses of milk.

Yes! It’s true. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ve been told, you are GOOD.

It’s hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you get a look or a feeling from your dad or mom that leaves you thinking that you aren’t measuring up. Well NOTHING could be further from the truth. See, when they give you that look, they are frustrated with who they are. That’s right! They are mad at themselves. I know it sounds weird. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it doesn’t make sense that this big powerful adult is taking their frustrations out on you, but that’s what they do. They can’t help it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. You already know that I have two lists – the Naughty List and the Nice List. You’ve probably been worried that your name is on the Naughty List. Well, your name is on the Nice List – of course it is, Silly! I promise. My Naughty List contains all the names of the narcissistic parents. Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Stories — 2 Comments
11
Oct 13

The Narcissistic Drive

narcissistic driveGuest Post by Zaira

When you turn down an unfamiliar road, it is uneasy. The curves and blind spots in the valleys are unsettling, but after a few whips and whirls, you start to feel the road. The car feels grounded and secure. You speed up a little and start to think this crazy road is manageable. Then you come over a hill that you hope will be the last and there is a stop sign. Screeching to a halt, you have lost all sense of security that existed. You want to turn and get off that road now, but the new direction is scarier than mistrusting the road you are on. Besides, that turn may leave you on a dirt road, in bad weather, and prolong the agony of the journey as either way is uncertain.

“I went down to the crossroad
fell down on my knees
Asked the lord above “Have mercy now
save poor Bob if you please”
Yeeooo, standin at the crossroad
tried to flag a ride
ooo ooo eee”

Cruising along thinking my road was not so bad, getting a little better, perhaps. Sure there were hills and valleys, but I have hit the stop sign. I swerved and hit the damn sign! I am caught off guard. My security is halted. My confidence cracked. Fear of the unknown has left me unable to back up, redirect, and make a choice on direction. I have my thumb out…

“I tried to flag a ride
Didn’t nobody seem to know me babe
everybody pass me by
Standin at the crossroad baby
risin sun goin down
Standin at the crossroad baby
eee eee eee, risin sun goin down
I believe to my soul now,
Poor Bob is sinkin down”

People are stopping. Checking out my ride. Shaking their heads. But no one can tell me what to do, which way to go. My heart is pounding…

“You can run, you can run
tell my friend Willie Brown
(th)’at I got the crossroad blues this mornin Lord
babe, I’m sinkin down”

That hill was steep! You need to slow down! You have time. Pay attention and stay calm. It will be ok. It’s a long road, but you will get there.

“And I went to the crossroad momma
I looked east and west
I went to the crossroad baby
I looked east and west
Lord, I didn’t have no sweet woman
ooh-well babe, in my distress”

Robert Johnson- CrossRoads

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

 

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”  is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home.  I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space.  I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way.  But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is.  I can talk about NPD.  I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder.  But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

 

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

 

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

 

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting — 3 Comments
2
Apr 13

How Old Do I Have To Be Again?

Guest Post by Zaira

“Mom, how old do I have to be again before I don’t have to visit dad anymore?  I have already made my decision that I want to live with you.”

“You do live with me, honey.”

“I know, but I mean all the time.  Every spring break and winter holiday and summer vacation.”

“But then you won’t see your dad.”

“Yes, but we have the memories…”

 

It doesn’t matter how much I reinforce that it is important to have a relationship with his dad.  Nor does it matter that he doesn’t complain too much out loud.  These conversations reinforce what I already know.

He is struggling inside.

Oh, how I know about that!

I know what it’s like when it’s all confused and churning inside, but on the outside it doesn’t appear that anything is wrong.  To think that I have to wait a couple more years before he has a voice for himself makes my insides knotty.

I wonder to myself, why wait?  But I know the system.  I know it has to come at a time when it is right and unfortunately, something has to happen on the outside for them to listen.  You can’t use history because they believe it will be different this time and as long as the stage lights are on, it may be.

But inside it won’t be.

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 9 Comments
9
Feb 13

When Narcissism Runs in the Family

Guest Post by Jenn

I never knew anything about narcissism until I married into a family with three narcissists.  It was years before I made this discovery, and in those early years, I felt like I was losing my mind.  The particular family I had married into managed to turn narcissism into a generational art, and so every single member of this family (including the one I married) thought that type of behavior was normal. (Quick note: my husband is not a narcissist.  He has his own issues, but narcissism isn’t one of them.)  And because I didn’t agree with it, fought against it, and generally rattled the glass on their pristine cage… well, let’s just say it didn’t really end well.

For many reasons, at least one of these narcissists is still involved in my personal life.  Because of this, survival skills are a must.  Something I have learned from spending 12.5 years with a dysfunctional family full of narcissists is they will eat you alive and spit you out with a smile on their collective faces if you let them.  Am I angry?  Yes.  Yes, I am.  But most of the time, I’m able to move past that to the aforementioned survival skills which (along with about a year of counseling from a wonderful therapist) have helped me to keep my sense of self when the world felt like it was falling apart all around me.

Listen to your body.  This sounds silly, but when I sat down and thought about how North American society teaches us to take medication and ignore our body’s reaction to something, it made much more sense to me.  If being in a certain situation or around a certain person (or people), habitually makes you fell ill, uncomfortable, or like you need to be on Xanax, chances are your body is screaming at you to get away from whatever it is.

Educate yourself.  Once you’ve made the discovery that something is really, REALLY bothering you, it might be a good idea to see what you can find out about it.  I found that reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was very helpful in that it gave me an explanation for the behaviors I was seeing.

Get yourself some resources.  Jesse’s blog was like a warming balm on a spasming muscle when I found it.  There are other resources online, as well as books you can check out (or purchase, if you love highlighting as much as I do) that will give tons of information on NPD.  Another recent blog post that is very helpful can be found on TalkTherapyBiz.com. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Stories — 5 Comments
16
Nov 12

When Your Best Friend is a Narcissist

Best friends have tea together.Guest Post by Anonymous

 

At the age of 12, she didn’t know why she cared so much about her friend, the one who was a notorious mean girl.  The one who played the games that mean girls do…  She didn’t understand why that friend mattered so much to her, even more than those she had known forever, even more than the ones who had proven themselves to be kind, caring girls….

She didn’t understand until nearly a quarter of a century later why that person seemed “right” – seemed familiar….  In the two years before she ended the friendship with her narcissistic friend, she often questioned herself, “Why do I even care so much about someone I don’t respect, someone that has hurt me so many times?”

She didn’t put two and two together, that the friend who called her names and ignored her, was a lot like her dad, who shamed her and ignored her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 31 Comments
18
Oct 12

The Tyranny of Narcissism

 

Guest Post by Zaira

Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy.  This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist.  If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.

I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court.   He has promised both of these gifts to me.

There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out.  Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe.  I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago.  The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got.  There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it.  It knew he was lying then.  I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face.  Now I am reminded often that I was right.

Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:

“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech.  You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 7 Comments
5
Sep 12

The Anxiety of Narcissism

 

Guest Post by Zaira

A narcissist goes to the bar early on Saturday to watch a football game with his son, who is 9, and his friends.  He proceeds to drink all day, so much so, that he is passed out by 7pm and doesn’t wake up until well after his child has put himself to bed.

His son has called his mother and pleaded to come home at that instant, but she is restricted by the court and cannot pick him up from this situation unless his father agrees.  The son tried to wake his father up on numerous occasions with no response and is crying because he just wants permission to use the internet to entertain himself.  He is lonely and afraid to even turn on the television because it is against his father’s rules.

If his mother was to act in the best interest of her child, she would be faced with another contempt of court action by the father and even though he has driven home drunk with his child in the car and left him unattended in his drunken stupor, the law would uphold his complaint and hold the mother in contempt.

The mother talks to her son as long as she can, promises not to tell that he turned on the television, has him check all the doors to make sure they are locked, and says bedtime prayers with him after he tucks himself in.

At 2-something am, apparently after he has finally slept off the alcohol, the narcissist berates his ex-wife in an email accusing her of being irresponsible. Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Narcissist Quotes / Quotes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 32 Comments
23
Dec 09

Narcissist Quotes

 

You cannot make this stuff up.

Only Survivors know how true these quotes are.

 

Thank you for sharing!

 

Annie:

  • “I got myself a new pair of running shoes.  Here — you can have my old ones.”
  • After telling him that I had made an appointment with an Ob/Gyn to discover if I may have fibroids or something more serious, he chimes in with, “Can’t they check your knees while they’re at it?”

    • Continue reading →