Kids are People « Surviving Narcissism

Kids are People

You Get Me

“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this thing with your dad, but I’m still glad I married him.”

Jenny looked out the car window and said, “It’d be cool if they made some sort of selective amnesia drug. You know, cuz then you could pick and choose what you wanna remember and then forget the dad parts.”

“But a lot of the dad parts have you and your brother in them, and I don’t wanna forget those.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jen turned to look at me, “Well, you know I don’t mean it like, ‘Yeah, we’re awesome, you wouldn’t wanna forget us.'”

I laughed and said, “I know what you meant, honey. You didn’t mean it like a narcissist.” Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 8 Comments
15
Jan 17

Oh! The Feelings!

“So you know, since your classes are at night, we won’t be having dinner together.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s right.”

He’s organizing his papers and looking at his new schedule. Many pieces have fallen into place to bring him to this point. It has been hectic around here. He’s starting this school sooner than we had expected, and we haven’t considered all the ramifications. I know it hasn’t occurred to him that we won’t be having dinner together. He’s the one who wanted to take his classes at night. He’s a night owl. This is perfect.

It’s dumb that I bring up the dinner thing, but it had just dawned on me. Dinner has always been a big deal to me. As much as I may not want to cook some nights, I love that time of the day when everything that can be done is done, and we can eat dinner and “hit relax mode.”

He zips up his backpack and says, “How are we going to do dinners?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 6 Comments
3
Jan 17

The Pep Talk

I winced when I heard the door slam on 2016, and I’m the one who slammed it so hard.

Three days into this new year and I’m still wincing. I’m apprehensive, unsteady, exhausted and excited – all at the same time. The holidays took over kicking my butt, where 2016 left off. I spent so much time talking about being glad 2016 was over, that I’m nervous about that energy following me into 2017. You know what they say, “Whatever you talk about, you attract.”

I read a “motivational” post the other day that pointed out that all that complaining about 2016 is misdirected. The writer went on to say that we ought to be reevaluating the choices made in 2016 that led to the messes, and make damn sure to point ourselves in a new direction.

That hurt a bit when I read that. So all that was my fault? Really? Don’t tell me to pull up my big girl pants. I hate that expression. As a single mom, I’ve been the one wearing the pants since day one.

But it’s true. It is my fault. I made the choices. I created that gigantic mess. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 2 Comments
26
Nov 16

I See You Introverting

She gets there as soon as the ice is free for open skating. She’s quick to tie her laces and get out there. This gives her time, even before the loud music starts, to skate a couple laps before the crowd starts filtering in.

I watch her glide. I can hear her blades every now and then. The sound brings us both to the moment. I notice thoughts of yesterday drifting from my brain. I assume they are headed for the car. My brain tries to coerce me into thinking about what to make for dinner. I ignore it. I feel my hand wanting to reach for my phone and I resist.

I imagine she has, by now, trained her mind to focus on what her legs and arms are doing. She’s graceful in the skating. Her arms are relaxed. Her face appears calm, with a hint of a smile – eyes trained ahead.

The quiet is blissful, even if for only a few precious minutes.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 2 Comments
4
Nov 16

Barriers to Thriving

This post was to be about how creativity goes through the roof once you remove the barriers to thriving. Get in a good mood and just watch what you’ll create!

I was going to tell you that I’ve been working on removing barriers. I have noticed that good (thriving) feeling returning, and I planned to give you a secret for removing barriers that might keep you from thriving.

But that’s silly because one person’s barrier is another person’s bump in the road. I can only share my experience and hope it helps you in some way.

Creativity is a direct path to thriving. If we can stop the harmful self-talk and just make stuff, we’ll get to a better feeling place. The connection between creativity and thriving is undeniable. Thriving leads to creativity, and creativity leads to thriving. Get to one, and the other naturally follows. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 5 Comments
24
Sep 16

Signs of Thriving

Six years ago, when on a road trip, we had stopped for treats and Will took a good 15 minutes to decide between types of beef jerky. (How different can they be?) Jen and I would have used the restroom, gotten our drinks and goodies, and stood by the car watching the sun setting while he was still trying to make a choice.

I remember thinking I’ve got to help that kid learn how to choose without worrying about making a mistake. He’d grown accustomed to having his choices doubted and questioned. He’d pick a blue t-shirt and his dad would say, “Why did you pick that color. You should pick green.” He would order a coke, and his dad would say, “No! You are having lemonade.”

Will had a history of making “bad” choices, as far as his dad was concerned, so any time he was faced with making a decision, he was paralyzed. Even if his dad wasn’t there.

Now, when Will drives up to a convenience store, he’s in and out faster than I am. And when it comes to making the big choices, like his first rifle or a pair of skis, he does his homework. He looks at reviews online. He asks for the opinions of others. He’ll search out a clerk at the store and pummel him with questions. When he feels confident with his choice – and he does – he proceeds.

It’s a beautiful thing to see. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — 10 Comments
24
Aug 16

The Good News

If you have children with a narcissist, you’ve probably read up on how to co-parent with one.

I won’t go into what that looks like, other than to say that an adult with the maturity of a six year old doesn’t have any interest in parenting.

Jen recently turned 14. Somewhere during the day she was heard saying, “Four more years. Four more years until I don’t have to spend my birthdays with him.”

Will turns 18 in less than a month. You can probably imagine who will NOT be invited to Will’s party this year. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
26
Apr 16

Tangling With A Snake

“Why do you back down? If you know you are right, why don’t you prove your point?”

I reached for a cup of Earl Grey. “I don’t like confrontation.”

“It’s not necessarily confrontation, though. Sometimes it’s just discourse. Two people disagree, they talk it out, and they come to an understanding. It’s not a big deal.”

I looked at Jen and she was shaking her head. “What do you think, Jen?” She shrugged her shoulders and refused to comment.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
18
Apr 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

Perhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist. Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation. When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A. You rock boats just to see how people react. But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried. She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair. And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course. Who says no in the beginning of a relationship? Why risk losing something so sweet? There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 1 Comment
12
Mar 16

Homeschool at the Movies

“Let’s watch The Martian.”

“Isn’t that like three hours long? I won’t be able to stay awake.”

“Mom. It’s o-kay.” He says that in a way that indicates he’s impatient with me, and trying to keep his eyes from rolling. It’s annoying – probably something he picked up from me.

“And The Incredible Hulk, too?”

“Jen? Really?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Survivor Support — 8 Comments
29
Feb 16

If You Know a Child of a Narcissist

There’s a good chance you know a child of a narcissist.

This post is written for you if your friend or loved-one or relative is suffering – or has suffered – at the hands of a narcissist.

Your heart aches for her. You want to make things better for him. You want to ease their pain, even if just for a moment.

You can’t make it all go away. You can’t love them enough to make up for what their parent couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You can’t swoop in and be the caretaker they have always longed for.

You can acknowledge their hurts. You can listen and believe them when they explain who their parent was/is. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 5 Comments
10
Feb 16

A Day in the Life of an HSP Mom

My fingers are in my ears and I’m yelling, “La la la la la la la. Geez! You haven’t figured out, by now, that it’s not the best idea to tell me of your narrow misses on the ski hill?”

“I know, but it was SO cool.”

“Bud, anyone would tell you that that is just not something to tell a mom – especially an HSP mom. Tell me the gist, but please spare me the gory details.”

“Right. Right. Right. I’m sorry. I know.”

As much as I want to hear how he does on the slopes, if he gives me too many details, I know I won’t be able to let him go. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting / Random Observations — Comments Off
6
Feb 16

Defining Terms

“Today is ballroom skiing.”

“Huh?”

“Every time you come back from skiing, you share tales of near misses, close calls with concussions, clothes-line incidents and big-air jumps. Today you are skiing on new/used skis after having broken a ski. You know what ballroom skiing is. I want to see ballroom skiing.”

(I define ballroom skiing as big, wide, gentle turns and little to no air.)

I am nervous about Will skiing on some used skis that he found on eBay. They need a lot of tuning, a little waxing and some trial and error. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 Comments
22
Jan 16

Recording Memories

“Outside. Outside! OUTSIDE! Geez, the door is open. You can go outside!”

I was talking to the dogs, or maybe the kids. I can’t remember.

There was the usual chaos that comes with bouncy dogs, kids infested with cabin fever, and a cranky mom who’d forgotten to eat. I checked their school lists and saw that some progress had been made, but more wouldn’t be made unless they both blew off some stink.

Before I could utter the suggestion, Jen looked at my face and calmly said, “Mom? If we promise to get back on our lists, can we head to the pond?”

“Please. Yes. Please go to the pond. Can you take the dogs with you?” Continue reading →