“Mom, what is normal, anyway?”
“How do you mean?”
“Is it normal to wear mismatched socks?”
“Well, it’s normal for you.”
“Is it normal to like crafts more than TV?” Continue reading →
Parenting
16
Dec 13
If You Can’t Say Something Nice, You Might be a Narcissist
We’d gone into the lodge to make sure she wasn’t getting frostbite. She made faces at me while I rubbed her tender cheeks to get the circulation back. “Honey, keep gently rubbing your cheeks. The white spot will go away as you warm up.” She patted her face and said, “Remember when dad was at the house the other day and he looked at my mermaids?”
“Yeah. That was Thursday.”
“Well, I forgot to tell you what he said.”
“About the mermaids?”
“No, about the mermaids, he just nodded his head and said, ‘I like them. You did a good job.’ But he said something else, too.” Continue reading →
4
Nov 13
“I Like It When You …”
“I like it when you go outside to do your extroverting when you can see that Jen needs to introvert.”
“I like it when you engage with Will when you’d rather be introverting.”
“I like it when I tell you guys that I need help, and you willingly unload the dishwasher or fold the clothes and put them away.”
“I like it when all three of us want to turn off the electronics and talk about the weird dreams we had last night, and neither one of you is itchin’ to get up and leave the room.” Continue reading →
16
Oct 13
Do-Overs
Her head hit the pillow and all she could think was, “Can I get a Do-Over?”
At 2:30 that afternoon, she’d considered the possibility that it might be best to go to bed and put an end to this day. She could pretend she had flu symptoms, make a cup of tea, put on her pajamas and bring this crappy day to a close.
But, of course, she didn’t. She proceeded to touch more things that turned to shit. She made bigger messes while trying to mop up other messes.
While running errands, she’d noticed the gorgeous fall leaves reflecting in the still blue river. Blue and orange were complementary colors for a reason. At least she couldn’t ruin that. Continue reading →
30
Aug 13
Get Some Help
Get some help.
Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.
I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.
By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →
13
Aug 13
A Page From a Thriver’s Life
She sips coffee under the Sumacs (that he would never let her grow) while the cat (that he would not let her have) rubs against her ankles.
She has the whole glorious day ahead of her. She will skip breakfast if she wants. She’ll read, before chores, from a book that was on her own reading list.
She could fry up potatoes with onions and peppers and add too much cumin seed and spill too much salsa on too much cheese and not give a second thought to carbs.
She’ll walk when she wants, where she wants, for as long as she wants.
Or she won’t walk at all. Continue reading →
7
Aug 13
If No One Told You How To Create
If they didn’t tell you that you can’t make a tiny mermaid out of fabric, what would you create?
If they didn’t tell you that skies are always blue and trees are always green, how would you draw them?
If you hadn’t been force-fed their rules, how would you play the game?
2
Aug 13
On Self-Improvement
He’s running across the yard with a huge grin on his face. “Mom! It’s 20 yards from the road. I made it that far! Pretty soon I’ll be hitting the road.”
“Bud, that’s awesome! Ah…. you might have to find a new place to hit from. That could get ugly if you hit a car.”
“I know, but can we pace it off? Can we see how far I’m hitting ’em?”
I grab my coffee and he’s still holding on to his driver when we start counting our paces across the park. We walk over irrigation sprinklers that create patchworks of green on an otherwise brown landscape. We side-step thistle and the party favors left by the neighborhood dogs. I’m counting out loud as we go.
We get to his ball when I reach 238 paces. Continue reading →
17
Jul 13
A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet
The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.
(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)
I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.
Here’s the version that has helped me.
1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →
2
Jul 13
The EMBB – A New Category in the MBTI
“Here, let me turn down the radio. I didn’t hear that one.” We are driving down the main thoroughfare in town, heading to pick up Will at the golf course. It’s sunny and warm. We are in full-on summer mode – looking forward to running through the sprinkler and barbecue that evening. The smell of sunscreen wafts out the window as we make the next turn.
We haven’t had a dad visit in a few weeks.
Life is good.
Somebody stop the clock.
Please.
“What did you say?”
She flicks her long blonde braid off of one shoulder, lowers the window and sticks her arm out of the car. “Don’t you think there are EMBBs?”
“What are EMBBs?”
“Well, you know how you are an INFJ, I am an ITP* and Will is an ENFJ?”
“Yeah. Go on.”
We turn into the parking lot of the course and I am trying to figure out the letters. E has to be extrovert. I assume it’ll be something about her extroverted brother that is driving her nuts.
“EMBB is for Extroverted Meanie Bo Beanie.”
“Ha! That’s perfect! Do you think there might also be some IMBBs then?”
“Sure. They’re just a little quieter about their meanness.”
29
Jun 13
When Your Best Is Good Enough
She was flitting from one to the other. She didn’t have time to look for worms. Many times they may have been given a bit of sand instead of a grub or a Chokecherry berry.
She was doing her best, and her best produced plump, tweeting, happy teenage Robins.
Between three squawking teenage kids, the momma Robin was moving fast. She’d barely get something in one beak, and a second beak was in her face. In their birdy language, they were saying, “Over hear!” “What about me?” “Can I have more?”
She obliged with tenderness and efficiency.
I spied them from a window. I watched as she flitted as if she’d never tire. I was so proud of her. She was focused on her most important job. I said, “Hey, you guys. I know what my next post will be about… ” Continue reading →
25
Jun 13
The Journey
“”Honey, the mediation spa that you made out of popsicle sticks didn’t do so well in the storm last night. I love that thing. Would you mind getting the hot glue gun out and putting it back together?”
“I could, but I’ve got other projects going on.”
“Okay. I was thinking the spa was too wonderful to give up on, but if you are cool with it, I am.”
“Mom, it’s about the journey, not the goal.”
That’s when you know they listen.
17
Jun 13
homekeeping 9
“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”
As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.
Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.
“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”
“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →
4
Jun 13
Narcissists in Glass Houses
There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else. This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses. You can’t throw a stone and break this glass. This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.
You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it. You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.
You can hear the narcissist and his word salads. You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.
You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better. When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.
He won’t be watching. Continue reading →
29
May 13
The Sweet and the Sour
Guest Post by Zaira
“And that’s why I hate my dad…” is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.
I can’t hide it.
I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.
There will be items obviously missing from the home. I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space. I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way. But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is. I can talk about NPD. I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder. But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.
WHY does he need our things when he has his own?
“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”
WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.
“And that’s why I hate my dad…”
We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.
We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.
