You Might Be a Narcissist If … « Surviving Narcissism

You Might Be a Narcissist If …

They Need to Talk

“Jon, dear, please remove your fingers from your ears. How will you break your fall if you should crash that board you insist on riding?”

He streaks by with an annoyed look on his face. He doesn’t hear Margaret. He’s trying not to hear anything. Tuning them out is not possible. That’s all they do. They talk and blather on and they never stop to listen. He makes another pass and stops in front of Gladys, “If I hadn’t lost my ear buds, I wouldn’t have to plug my ears. Have you seen my buds anywhere?”

Gladys exhales a long puff of cigarette smoke, looks at Jon and says, “What are buds?”

“Speakers. Ear buds are little speakers that fit in your ears. I plug ’em into my iPod and listen to music. You know, music? I lost my buds.”

“You mean that white cording draped over that marker back there? Are those the ear buds you speak of?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Aug 13

Get Some Help

Get some help.

Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.

I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.

By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
20
Aug 13

Only If You Dare

Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.

Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”

You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Jul 13

You’ll Get There

One day you’ll be sitting at your computer and you’ll open your inbox.

You’ll see your ex-husband’s name and you’ll think, “Crap!”

You’ll take a sip of coffee and think to yourself, “Geez, this day started out so well. It’s not too hot out this morning. The coffee’s excellent. The kids are still sleeping and I have a bit of time to gather myself for the day. And then this – an email from him.”

“Damn.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
21
Jun 13

Huh?

This morning I saw a tweet that linked to an article about a guy who said he has felt like an ATM machine ever since his divorce.

I didn’t read the article.

I feel for the guy.

For a nanosecond I wondered if Mark felt the same way. There’s no need for me to wonder since he has told us plenty of times – actually lectured in the way a nun might do just before she slaps the back of your hand with a ruler – that the only reason we get in touch with him is because we need something.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homekeeping / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
4
Jun 13

Narcissists in Glass Houses

There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else. This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses. You can’t throw a stone and break this glass. This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.

You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it. You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.

You can hear the narcissist and his word salads. You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.

You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better. When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.

He won’t be watching. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
16
May 13

In Good Company

Over chocolate milk, Rice Krispies and coffee we had a venting session about yesterday’s dad visit. It used to be that our rants were punctuated with tears and “How long do we have to do these visits?” Now the rants are filled with laughs, OMGs, “Can you believe hims?” and “How long do we have to do these visits?”

“Why does everything have to be about him?”

“You know the answer, Bud. It’s like the ground shifts under him when things stop being about him. He needs everything to be about him to have some sense of control. It doesn’t make sense. It’s frustrating. Imagine what it’s like to live like that.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Apr 13

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide From a Narcissist

Leaving town is easy. As you take off from the runway, you will breathe deep and relax. You may even splurge on a cocktail for yourself and a couple of pops for the kids. You will count out loud the number of days that will happily pass without the stress of a dad visit.

She will exclaim at the wonder of being surrounded by family members who think she is wonderful. She will not guard against snide comments. She will wear her hair however she chooses. She may not even pack socks. She will smile until her cheeks hurt.

He will laugh louder and not worry about saying the wrong thing. He may not have to accommodate for several days because he will be with people who love him even if he doesn’t spend each moment trying to please them. He will pull pranks and howl at the moon.

You will relax knowing your kids will be respected, enjoyed and nurtured. It’ll be okay if they are loud and a little messy. You won’t have to coach them about what to say and what not to say.

Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 30 Comments
4
Dec 12

On Red Flags and Starting Over

Does he monopolize the conversation? Does he fail to ask of my life?

Does he care more about his looks than I care about mine? Do I get to be the pretty one in this relationship?

Does he treat Jen and Will like they are a nuisance?

Does he have friends? Does he get along with his family? How does he talk about his kids? How does he treat a waitress or the clerk at the grocery?

Does he act entitled? Does he lack empathy? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
27
Nov 12

When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee

“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”

“… and divorced.”

“Yeah. That, too. So how are you doing with it all… the being divorced?”

“Well, I’m sleeping. I’m eating. My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time. I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning. How are you feeling?”

“Same for me. I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. For the first time since… oh…. probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homeschool / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
9
Nov 12

What is Said and What is Heard

He said: Your face looks full with that haircut.

She heard: Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.

She said: That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.

He heard: That looks pretty good, BUT …

They said: Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?

She heard: You’re going to ruin them for life.

He said: I can’t live like this anymore.

She heard: Do things my way or I’m out of here.

He said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.

She heard: I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.

She said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.

He heard: It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.

He said: That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.

He heard: You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.

He said: Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.

She heard: If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.

They said: You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.

She heard: You are doing it all wrong.

He said: I like it better when you do it this way.

She heard: I don’t like you the way you are.

She said: I heard you, but we are doing it my way.

He heard: Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.

She said: Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.

They heard: We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.

They said: Love you.

She heard: Love you.

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
24
Oct 12

They Have Narcissism Radar

“Hercules was a big strong guy with long wavy hair. Personally, I think he was a narcissist.” (The answer to one of her worksheet questions on Greek and Roman Mythology.)

“Mom, I’m positive Marie Antoinette was a narcissist – look at this picture. She ordered a special palace to be built, just for her.”

“Who did Napoleon think he was, anyway?”

While watching the Grammys: “Mom, do you notice that it’s not about the music, it’s all about what they look like? Do you have to be a narcissist to make it in music?”

They See Narcissism Everywhere

“Mom, do you figure only narcissists drive Escalades. That name just sounds narcissistic.”

“Male lions have to be narcissists, why else do they sit around preening and expecting everyone to adore them?”

“Mom, don’t you think irises are narcissists? Just look at ’em. They stand up taller than the other flowers and then they die fast if they are neglected.”

“Mom, I love peacocks, but they act like narcissists.”

“Mom, you know all the Disney Princesses are narcissists, right? Cinderella is the worst. She’s always standing in front of the other princesses fanning out her dress to hide the dresses of the other princesses.” (You can’t make this stuff up.)

“Mom, do you think Tiger Woods is a narcissist? Why else would he act that way on the course and treat his wife the way he did?”

Even cakes can be narcissists. “Does that cake really need that much frosting and decorating? It’s screaming for attention. It has to be a narcissistic cake.”

“Mom, you can tell from the outside of a building, if a store caters to narcissists.”

When it comes to the necessary tools for surviving narcissism, their narcissism radar may be the most effective.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 31 Comments
18
Oct 12

The Tyranny of Narcissism

Guest Post by Zaira

Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.

I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.

There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.

Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:

“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
16
Oct 12

Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist

You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.

You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.

You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.

You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.

Continue reading →