27
Feb 12

Why You Shouldn’t Make Your Bed Every Day

Finding order in making the bed.There are the frazzled days when, for no apparent reason, you feel out of sorts.

Maybe you blame it on the full moon.

Perhaps you need to eat more protein and less carbs – or less protein and more carbs – I can never remember.  You may be dehydrated, or you slept poorly.

You sit quietly, coffee in hand, sifting through the thoughts mulling around in your head, trying to filter out the cause of the frazzle-ness.  You find several potentials –  emails that need answers, an over-baked tray of cookies, the need to run out to get milk, or a dwindling supply of firewood.  None of them amount to enough to cause the Frazzle.

The exercise of sorting through and examining the thoughts helps you see that what you are craving, though, is control.

This moment – right here, right now – demands a bit of control.

Not the heavy-handed I’ll tell you what we are having for dinner and you will eat it kind of control, but the kind of control that attempts to gently pull in fractured energies and encourage focus.

In an uncharacteristically desperate attempt at gaining control I make the bed – the same one that will go for days without being made.

The making of the bed starts a snowball effect. (If I made the bed every day, I wouldn’t have an obvious place to start the snowball effect. Isn’t rationalization handy?)  The snowball builds as I clean the cat box, take out the trash, sweep the front stoop, straighten the cushions on the couch and refold the blanket on the rocking chair.

The completion of each chore, starting with making the bed, allows me to pull in all those scattered energies, get some semblance of control and focus on what’s really important – figuring out what to make for dinner.

 

 

 

 


24
Feb 12

On White Knuckles and Comfort Levels

white knuckle drivingA semi hauling gasoline was in front, another semi was behind, and we were crawling along a snow-packed two-lane road under heavy cloud cover and falling snow.

My hands were at 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock on the steering wheel.  The tunes weren’t blaring like they are when the roads are dry.

“Will, honey, I can’t talk right now.  I need to concentrate on these roads.”

The snow kept falling.

The skies stayed gray. Continue reading →


21
Feb 12

On Determination and the Power in Words

which ones words hold power?Sitting on the cold pew, with the stiff lace collar scratching the tender skin of her neck, she glanced sideways to see them reading those black books.  She assumed there must be power in the words since they gathered together every Sunday to read from the same book.

She doubted how much power could be in those tiny black letters on the filmy pages since there were hardly any pictures mixed in.

It was when they stood to sing that she felt a surge of energy.  The people seemed lighter when they were singing – less dreary.  Were the words in the songs more powerful, or did the music imbue the words with magic?

__________

When she learned to read, she discovered the magic found in words and books.  She claimed a favorite corner in the school library – the only one with a window.  She’d sit in the quiet with a stack of books and inhale the scent of library dust, which smelled nothing like ordinary house dust which she’d scattered to new corners with a Pledge-soaked cloth. Continue reading →


17
Feb 12

Life in the Village Where Relationships Come First

the village where relationships come firstOnce upon a time there was a contented village where everyone worked together to pursue their goals, realize their dreams, raise their children and make the world’s best ice cream.

There was one governing rule in the village:

Relationships must come first.

Relationships with partners, spouses, kids, parents, friends, grandparents, dogs, cats, gardens, trees, birds, butterflies, dandelions and all other living things must come first.

When a villager reached an age where self-awareness could benefit her rather than taint her (think narcissism) the relationship with her own self would become a priority as well. Continue reading →


12
Feb 12

Be Mine

Dear Valentine,

I’ve been waiting for you.

I knew you’d come around.

I knew you’d get to a point where you’d finally see your own beauty.  I knew that chip on your shoulder would heal and the anger would dissipate.

There is so much of you to love.

Your tender, compassionate heart never lets you give up.  Your enthusiasm and belief that goodness will prevail is a contagious quality.  The wisdom acquired from making mistakes and the lessons learned gives you a depth of character that is your most attractive quality.

You are graceful but still able to be silly; patient as well as spontaneous; and ready to laugh at yourself because you stopped taking yourself seriously.

You know you still have a lot to learn, and you aren’t afraid to change course in order to learn more.

Your actions back up your words.  You’ve stated your priorities and you invest your time and energies in those priorities.  You are an inspiration because of the choices you’ve made.

You are beautiful when you run around in your leopard print bathrobe and fuzzy red socks in the morning, before a shower, sipping cold coffee because you are busy with kids, feeding the cat, answering emails, stoking the fire, figuring out what to make for dinner, and swapping loads between washer and dryer.

You are beautiful when, with a kind voice, you announce that you need a break, and escape to the couch with a book and a steaming cup of Earl Grey.

You are beautiful flying down a ski hill, laughing at your own failed attempts at trying to catch your kids.

You are beautiful when you give what you can, but hold back before reaching the point of having nothing left to give.

You are beautiful when you cry during mushy movies, at the end of a great book, or when you look on your kids’ artwork.

You are beautiful when you let your kids follow their passions, even if it means you have sprouting potatoes in glasses of water in the window sill, ski wax all over the garage floor, and paint brushes in every corner of the kitchen.

You are beautiful when you try and fail and own your mistakes with grace and humor.

You are most beautiful when you keep trying without letting resentment cloud your heart or disappointment keep your spirit hidden.

I love that even on a crappy day, you are capable of finding beauty in stormy skies, piles of clean folded laundry, and a dinner that manages to please three different appetites.

I love the person you are now,  but I also love knowing that you haven’t arrived yet.  I can’t wait to see who you become.

I love that you’ve chosen to be kind to yourself.  I love that you know what you are worth and what you deserve.

Anyone would be fortunate to call you Valentine.

Won’t you be mine?

 

 

 

 


07
Feb 12

S.O.S.

…there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do —
determined to save the only life you could save.
– Mary Oliver

 


03
Feb 12

They Said

They said, “How bad can it be?  He doesn’t beat you.  He doesn’t gamble.  He isn’t gone every weekend.  You have a nice home.  How bad can it be?”

They said, “You know, it’s not easy being a single mom.  There will be lonely nights.  It’s a lot to handle by yourself.  Are you sure this is what you want?”

She said, “I don’t want to hear your reasons for leaving him.  I think he’s wonderful.”

He said, “I thought you were the perfect couple.  You looked like you were happy.  Wasn’t he making enough money for you?”

And when I started this blog, they said, “You shouldn’t dwell on all this negative stuff.  It just isn’t healthy for you or the kids.  Leave all this toxic stuff behind you.”

After I’d been writing for over two years, and the kids and I had clearly grown and worked through a laundry list of issues, they said, “Well, where are you going to go with this now?  You’ve survived.  You’re thriving, even.  You’ve clearly come out the other side and you’ve made great progress.  Why are you still writing about surviving narcissism?”

__________

This morning I received an email.  She said, “I saw the comment that came from another corner of the world.  I see how many there are.  I see how they all wonder if they might be crazy. I see how this impacts children.  I see how this might help.  I get it now.”

 

I knew she would.


31
Jan 12

What Lifts You Up?

He said, “Mom, why do you think I’m outta sorts today?”

I said, “Maybe you’re wishing we had snow. Maybe this is the pre-dad visit funk. Maybe you need to eat something. Or, maybe it’s just one of those days.”

And because the hot water of the shower has a way of warming my skull and opening my brain to the current of ideas that passes in and around this house, I came out of the bathroom with an inspired thought.

 

Imaginary Hot Air Balloons Continue reading →


27
Jan 12

Mid-Winter Frivolity

I want to see your faces.

I want to give and receive genuine hugs.

I want to hear your stories and connect while looking into your eyes.

I also have a craving for that scritchy feeling of sand under the waistband of my swimsuit.

  Continue reading →


24
Jan 12

You Can’t See Me Until I Do

There is an undercurrent of truth seekers in the river of life.

They are everywhere.

Some carry backpacks full of self-help books.  Some can be seen taking a Myers-Briggs Test at the corner table in Starbucks.  Some fill yoga classes.  Some do Tai Chi on a sunny afternoon at the park, and they don’t care who might be watching.

Some might meditate.

Some might write in a dog-eared journal. Continue reading →


20
Jan 12

Practicing What I Preach

It wasn’t because I was on my second glass of liquid courage.

It wasn’t because my kids were milling about and I was trying to lead by example.

It wasn’t because I’d been reading The Inner Pulse, by Marc Siegel.

It was because I wrote of this very thing in Seeing My Path.

I inherently believe that I can’t change others.

I do believe change can begin with me. Continue reading →


17
Jan 12

A Work In Progress

I am a work in progress and so is this blog.

First, some chronology to set the stage:

5 1/2 years ago –  Stuff three boxes, buckle two young kids into car seats, leave husband,  nice house, financially secure future, perpetual stomach aches and nicest yard* I’ll ever tend.

5 years, 5 months ago – Discover NPD and naively present the concept to narcissistic husband and helplessly watch as message falls on deaf ears.

5 years, 3 months ago – Buy tiny, cozy, safe home for the three of us.  Put holes in walls, roll in grass that is never fertilized, refuse to make beds, leave projects out in plain sight, smile and laugh every day.

4 years, 4 months ago – Youngest starts public school.  Take a temporary, part-time job with family.  Rush between commitments like every other family in the U.S.  Stomach aches start to make a reappearance.

4 years ago – Divorce is finalized. Kids seem to be coping well with divorce, not so well with public school. Continue reading →


13
Jan 12

Tales From Moving On

She hadn’t written him a letter explaining. She hadn’t told him she was leaving. She didn’t realize – until she saw her hands putting her journal, a laptop, and some clothes in a box – that she was leaving.

As she packed, her mind wasn’t going over the possibilities of what would come next.  She hadn’t made a six-month plan or a five-year plan.  She hadn’t given serious consideration to finding work or a house.  She didn’t know what she’d tell friends and family.

She needed to breathe.

In order to breathe, she would have to leave her marriage.

As she packed, her thoughts were consumed with, “What do I need to take with me because I am never coming back here.” Her hands operated as if on auto-pilot. Her demeanor was calm and determined. She didn’t frantically start grabbing things from the kitchen cupboards. She methodically filled one box with a few necessities for starting a new life. Continue reading →


09
Jan 12

They Look Through You

Whether it comes from years of looking inward, or years of not seeing clearly, I don’t know.  Their eyes take on a cloudiness that makes it look like they have a difficult time focusing on the rest of the world.

You will feel yourself fighting the urge to hold a magnifying glass between yourself and the Narcissist, but it won’t help.  If you aren’t careful, they’ll use the magnifying glass against you.  They’ll find your flaws and use them to illustrate the fact that they are superior to you.

They’ll point out that they cook eggs better than you, or sweep the floor better or dress better or laugh easier.

 

The Making of a Narcissist Continue reading →


05
Jan 12

The Day She Gave Up On Herself

She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself.  She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.”

It just happened.

Like so many things just happen.

 

Team Players Continue reading →