Surviving Narcissism

Cold Beauty

It was cold that morning at 6:30. I turned on the kitchen light to make coffee and the thermometer told me it was -7. The fire had gone out. By the time Will shuffled out into the living room, the sun was turning the snow into shaved sparkles. He thought we ought to go out and take pictures. I told him I’d go out when it warmed to 5 above.

A bowl of oatmeal and five layers of clothes later, we grabbed our cameras and opened the front door to a blast of frozen air. There’s an indescribable quiet that comes with snow fall. Maybe that’s what makes winter bearable for this INFJ. The only sounds were coming from our boots as they made new crunching tracks in the fluff, and the honks of the Canadian Geese as they flew low over the Missouri.

Jen had received a new computer from the frozen UPS lady the night before. Even though she’d normally be the first out in the freeze to take pictures, she opted to stay behind and get acquainted with Speedy – the name she’d given her new Toshiba.

Will and I immediately set out on different paths. We’d each snap a couple photos, exclaim to the other about the view, and then cross each other’s path to take a photo of what the other had witnessed. Later, when we viewed our shots, I was surprised to see how similar our perspectives were. I’m sure it won’t be that way for long.

I’ve noticed that as each year passes, it takes me a few more days to get acclimated to the arrival of the cold. The first week or so finds me standing next to the wood stove, kvetching over too many cups of coffee. Then the day will come when I drag my butt outside, breathe the cold, take a few pictures and wonder how anyone could happily live without four seasons. And, yes, I’ve been known to bitch at the slow arrival of spring, when I’m sure I’ll die if I have to shovel the walks one more time. At least the seasons give me something to complain about, besides narcissism. ;) Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The Bartender — 13 comments
11
Nov 14

How Much Do I Tell Them?

“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”

The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head. “That’s a tough one. It depends on the ages of your kids. It depends on how close they are to their mom. It depends on whether they have a support network besides you. It depends on a lot of things.” The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order. When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”

“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer? Is he all of 22?”

“That’s the one. I knew his folks. They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids. The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen. Not much he could do about it, really. She was good. But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves. Now look at the kid.”

“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 comments
04
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

He entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room. She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control. When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top. It’s just a glass of wine. Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters. One brought up the weather. Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school. It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations. He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school. He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children. (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them. “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.” If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 8 comments
30
Oct 14

On Being the Teenage Son of a Narcissistic Father

His eyes roll as his hand makes the universal symbol for “one who talks too much.” He paces the floor and occasionally says, “Uh huh.”

My teenage son is on the phone with his narcissistic father.

He will listen anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes. He’ll hear about his dad’s work issues, car issues, and plans for skiing and fishing trips. He’ll learn of his dad’s ailments, frustrations, and current obsessions. He’ll discover what his dad watches on TV, what his dad is reading, and whether he has mastered his new cell phone.

The son will be asked if his ski gear still fits. He’ll be told that his father has been shopping for him. The son will cringe and give me a look that says, “Here we go again.”

Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Opportunistic / The Bartender — 12 comments
20
Oct 14

The Poster Child for Narcissism

“Hey, you’re new in here. What can I get you?”

“Oh, just water for me. I don’t like to lose control.” He sits on a stool a couple spots away from a woman seated at the bar. “I think my ex-wife comes in here. I was hoping to run into her.”

The bartender laughed, “That’s not something I hear very often. You want to run into your ex-wife?”

“Yes. I’m selling my car and I’m hoping she’ll buy it for our son.”

The bartender slides a glass of water across the bar. “Tell me about this car.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

Guest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 2 comments
08
Oct 14

Eclipse Through the Sumacs

I hadn’t set the alarm. There’s no need for an alarm for the important stuff.

With a cranberry red throw draped around my shoulders, I unlocked the front door. Nina comes quick whenever she hears the locks on the door. She didn’t look up at me for permission before darting out. I walked to the corner of the yard and saw the beginnings of the eclipse.

Should I wake them?

I tip-toed into Will’s room and whispered, “Will, the eclipse has started.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 comments
07
Oct 14

Do As I Say

Do as I say, not as I do.

I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone. If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship. If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.

They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 comments
30
Sep 14

“Put the Pedal to the Plastic!”

“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”

“Huh?”

“Put the pedal to the plastic. Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic. Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel. Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.

“Thanks for clarifying. I think.”

And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom! Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender / Tools — 4 comments
25
Sep 14

Self-Awareness Isn’t About You

“Hey, what are you doing on this side of the bar?”

“I just finished my shift.” The bartender closed his composition notebook and reached for his glass. “How are you?”

She sits on the next stool, “I’m well. I’ve got about an hour before picking up the kids.” She smiled across the bar to the next shift’s bartender, “I’ll have a coke, please.” After finding her wallet she said, “So, Hank, what are you writing?”

Hank hesitated, “I’m working on a paper about self-awareness.” He slid the notebook to the side. “There’s a fine line between self-awareness and self-absorption. I want to illustrate that self-awareness – contrary to what most folks think – isn’t really about you. Maybe I should say that it shouldn’t be about you.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 comments
17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 comments
24
Aug 14

On the Meaning of Life and Other Vague Notions

“What’s the point?”

“The point of what?”

“You know… the point…. the meaning of life. Why are we here?”

Margaret laughed as she tied on a crisp new apron. “Well, it’s a bit of a moot point now, isn’t it? Besides, I’m not sure we’re supposed to know the point, Gladys, dear. I was always too busy wiping noses, folding laundry, preparing meals and helping with homework to have even a moment to myself, let alone any spare time to think about the meaning of life. What do you think, Basil?”

“I don’t know either, Margaret.” Basil reached for his ever-present thermos of coffee. “For a long time I thought it was finding a decent job and then I figured it must be supporting my family, raising decent kids and being a good husband. Now, I don’t know.” Basil put down his cup of coffee, “Hey, Jon. What do you think?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 12 comments
17
Aug 14

On Soft Landings and a Rare Night Out

“So what if I kept the conversation going on your projects? I’ll ask the questions and then maybe dad will join in. What do you think?”

We were taking a long walk through the neighborhood, trying to come up with a plan to suit both kids for the next day’s dad visit. As we walked, we watched charcoal storm clouds build south of town.

That should have been my first clue.

Jen said, “I know how that will go. I’ll answer you and start talking about a project, and he’ll quit listening, like he always does.”

Jen walked to the edge of the street when she saw a car coming. Will had to be made aware of the car. (That pretty much sums up my experiences parenting a boy and a girl.) Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver — 9 comments
12
Aug 14

Take a Left at the Coke Can

I’m in need of a bright spot. I’m struggling with getting back in the groove after spending a couple relaxing days in the woods.

The forwarded email about what animals look like when they see you naked had the three of us giggling. The dish of strawberries and whipped cream perked up Will. Jenny’s busy making a Sherlock Holmes doll, so she’s in a craft-induced focus.

The forecasted 98 degree temps are wilting the energy.

I could surf and find bright spots or I could create my own.

Continue reading →