Posts Tagged: child of narcissist

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting — 3 Comments
2
Apr 13

How Old Do I Have To Be Again?

Guest Post by Zaira

“Mom, how old do I have to be again before I don’t have to visit dad anymore?  I have already made my decision that I want to live with you.”

“You do live with me, honey.”

“I know, but I mean all the time.  Every spring break and winter holiday and summer vacation.”

“But then you won’t see your dad.”

“Yes, but we have the memories…”

 

It doesn’t matter how much I reinforce that it is important to have a relationship with his dad.  Nor does it matter that he doesn’t complain too much out loud.  These conversations reinforce what I already know.

He is struggling inside.

Oh, how I know about that!

I know what it’s like when it’s all confused and churning inside, but on the outside it doesn’t appear that anything is wrong.  To think that I have to wait a couple more years before he has a voice for himself makes my insides knotty.

I wonder to myself, why wait?  But I know the system.  I know it has to come at a time when it is right and unfortunately, something has to happen on the outside for them to listen.  You can’t use history because they believe it will be different this time and as long as the stage lights are on, it may be.

But inside it won’t be.

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 11 Comments
25
Mar 13

On Mermaid Tails and Handy Tools

He shut off the blender and yelled from the kitchen, “Mom, do you think it’d work to put some of those leftover brownie crumbs in my milkshake?”

“Sure. Try it. It’d be like a Blizzard.”

The blender starts whirring.

I look at Jenny and say, “Honey, I know that when we first talked about emailing your dad, we agreed that it wouldn’t make a difference. But it’s been a week now, and I know it’s still bugging you.  Have you changed your mind?  Do you want me to let him know how you are feeling?”

She looked up from the sewing machine and pushed the shimmery purply-blue fabric to the side to keep from sewing the end of the tail closed.  “I don’t think I wanna make it so I can walk in it. Mermaids don’t walk anyway.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 4 Comments
19
Mar 13

On Resiliency

Last night, no amount of bathroom humor would tease her out of her funk.  She plotted a daughter’s revenge – cryptic drawings on paper that would then be tossed in the wood stove.

I asked if she wanted to have a slumber party in my bed.  “I’ll tickle your back.  You can tell me anything or nothing at all.”

She brushed her teeth.  I braided her hair.   She pushed the cat aside and crawled in my bed and said, “I’m sick of all of this.”

 

___________

 

Today she discovered how to make different sizes of paper frogs.  She colored them brightly and called them Baby and Mommy and one of them was even Dad.  Right now she’s beating her brother at a dice game, and when a favorite song comes on Pandora, she dances by me twirling and whirling and smiling and not thinking about anything but good stuff.

 

That is the resiliency of kids.

 

That is the roller coaster of life.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — 25 Comments
15
Mar 13

“How Can I Help You”

I was stirring the fettuccine as the door closed behind him.  I looked over and noticed she didn’t look up. She didn’t speak.  She kept her head down as she focused on her project.

Dinner was almost ready to hit the table.  I turned to Will and said, “Buddy, dinner is close, but I’ve gotta talk to Jenny first.”

So what if the pasta was going to be mushy.

I pulled my stool next to Jenny and quietly asked her to look at me.  When she did I said, “Honey, I want you to know that I remember how that feels.  I know what it’s like to be in a room with my dad, have him talk to my brother, and leave before saying a word to me.  I know how that hurts, but I don’t want to project my feelings on to you.”

“What does project mean?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Seeing My Path — Comments Off on On Leaving the High Road
12
Mar 13

On Leaving the High Road

I did it.  I left the high road yesterday.  I didn’t just step a toe onto the shoulder of the road.  No, I hit the gas, cranked the wheel and jumped the borough pit.  I raced down the hill away from that high road as fast as I could go.

I was saying that word the whole way down, too.  No, I was screaming that word – repeatedly.

At first I felt guilty.

I try to be as evolved/enlightened/mindful as the next person, and some days I fake it pretty well. Yesterday, I didn’t want to fake it.  Hell, I wasn’t even going to try.

But I wasn’t going to give in to guilt, either, and be bullied back onto that high road.  I was going to take that ride for all it was worth. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 23 Comments
7
Mar 13

Before You Have Kids

 

How are you with it not being all about you?  When you walk into a room, are you good with blending in, or must you stand out?  Do you get uncomfortable if a conversation doesn’t center on your job or your car or your haircut?

Are you quick to anger if your plans are derailed?

Do you insist on controlling everything, including the people in your life?

 

How adaptable are you to not being able to watch your favorite show at the scheduled time, every week, eating the same food in the same spot on the couch? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off on On When to Forgive
4
Mar 13

On When to Forgive

How do we forgive our fathers, maybe in a dream?

Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little?

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous, because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying our mothers, for divorcing, or not divorcing our mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?

Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning, for shutting doors, for speaking through walls, or never speaking, or never being silent?

Do we forgive our fathers in our age or in theirs?  Or in their deaths, saying it to them, or not saying it?

If we forgive our fathers what is left?

 
– Thomas Builds-the-Fire 
from the movie, Smoke Signals

 

 

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 9 Comments
9
Feb 13

When Narcissism Runs in the Family

Guest Post by Jenn

I never knew anything about narcissism until I married into a family with three narcissists.  It was years before I made this discovery, and in those early years, I felt like I was losing my mind.  The particular family I had married into managed to turn narcissism into a generational art, and so every single member of this family (including the one I married) thought that type of behavior was normal. (Quick note: my husband is not a narcissist.  He has his own issues, but narcissism isn’t one of them.)  And because I didn’t agree with it, fought against it, and generally rattled the glass on their pristine cage… well, let’s just say it didn’t really end well.

For many reasons, at least one of these narcissists is still involved in my personal life.  Because of this, survival skills are a must.  Something I have learned from spending 12.5 years with a dysfunctional family full of narcissists is they will eat you alive and spit you out with a smile on their collective faces if you let them.  Am I angry?  Yes.  Yes, I am.  But most of the time, I’m able to move past that to the aforementioned survival skills which (along with about a year of counseling from a wonderful therapist) have helped me to keep my sense of self when the world felt like it was falling apart all around me.

Listen to your body.  This sounds silly, but when I sat down and thought about how North American society teaches us to take medication and ignore our body’s reaction to something, it made much more sense to me.  If being in a certain situation or around a certain person (or people), habitually makes you fell ill, uncomfortable, or like you need to be on Xanax, chances are your body is screaming at you to get away from whatever it is.

Educate yourself.  Once you’ve made the discovery that something is really, REALLY bothering you, it might be a good idea to see what you can find out about it.  I found that reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was very helpful in that it gave me an explanation for the behaviors I was seeing.

Get yourself some resources.  Jesse’s blog was like a warming balm on a spasming muscle when I found it.  There are other resources online, as well as books you can check out (or purchase, if you love highlighting as much as I do) that will give tons of information on NPD.  Another recent blog post that is very helpful can be found on TalkTherapyBiz.com. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 34 Comments
5
Feb 13

When to Stay Away

The thing is, most of the time I know when to stay away.

When she says, “Ewwww!  Mom, remember that experiment where we made the smoothie for Twilite?  You know the blueberries, grass and banana drink?  It’s still in the fridge!  Come smell it!”

Yeah.

No.

I know to stay away. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Survivor Support / Tools — Comments Off on Survivor Support
24
Jan 13

Survivor Support

In Survivor Support, I will call your attention to a new commenter who reaches out to us for encouragement or guidance or a compassionate ear.

We have created a most healthy group of wise individuals who send positive ripples out whenever needed.

It’s time to send more ripples.

Survivors and Thrivers, please see Kristin’s comment on this post.

Thanks,

Jesse

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting — 12 Comments
23
Jan 13

Letter of Resignation

Dear Narcissist,

We resign as caretakers.

We will no longer protect you, make excuses for your behavior or come to your defense.  We will not sweep your abuses under the rug.  We will not pretend like your treatment is acceptable.

We will not allow you to manipulate us or control us.

You will not hurt us again.

We will not feel sorry for you.

I will not coach your children on what to say to you in order to keep the peace.  I will point out your behaviors to make sure that the children understand that they are not to be blamed for your mistreatment.

We will not cater to you, tiptoe around you or deal with your mood swings.

We will not allow you to make us feel inferior.

 

We are good enough.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

Signed,

Jesse, Will and Jenny

 

 

*Survivors,

You may be thinking that by now we would have successfully moved on.  Just yesterday I heard myself coaching Will on what not to say to his father over the phone.  After almost seven years, I still fall into the trap of protecting the narcissist.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
27
Nov 12

When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee

“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”

“… and divorced.”

“Yeah.  That, too.  So how are you doing with it all…  the being divorced?”

“Well, I’m sleeping.  I’m eating.  My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time.  I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning.  How are you feeling?”

“Same for me.  I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks.  For the first time since…  oh….  probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Stories — 5 Comments
16
Nov 12

When Your Best Friend is a Narcissist

Best friends have tea together.Guest Post by Anonymous

 

At the age of 12, she didn’t know why she cared so much about her friend, the one who was a notorious mean girl.  The one who played the games that mean girls do…  She didn’t understand why that friend mattered so much to her, even more than those she had known forever, even more than the ones who had proven themselves to be kind, caring girls….

She didn’t understand until nearly a quarter of a century later why that person seemed “right” – seemed familiar….  In the two years before she ended the friendship with her narcissistic friend, she often questioned herself, “Why do I even care so much about someone I don’t respect, someone that has hurt me so many times?”

She didn’t put two and two together, that the friend who called her names and ignored her, was a lot like her dad, who shamed her and ignored her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homeschool / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
9
Nov 12

What is Said and What is Heard

She means business when she decides to snow.He said:  Your face looks full with that haircut.

She heard:  Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.

 

She said:  That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.

He heard:  That looks pretty good, BUT …

 

They said:  Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?

She heard:  You’re going to ruin them for life.

 

He said:  I can’t live like this anymore.

She heard:  Do things my way or I’m out of here.

 

He said:  I don’t care what we do, you decide.

She heard:  I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.

 

She said:  I don’t care what we do, you decide.

He heard:  It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.

 

He said:  That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.

He heard:  You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.

 

He said:  Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.

She heard:  If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.

 

They said:  You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.

She heard:  You are doing it all wrong.

 

He said:  I like it better when you do it this way.

She heard:  I don’t like you the way you are.

 

She said:  I heard you, but we are doing it my way.

He heard:  Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.

 

 

She said:  Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.

They heard:  We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.

 

They said:  Love you.

She heard:  Love you.

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
24
Oct 12

They Have Narcissism Radar

“Hercules was a big strong guy with long wavy hair.  Personally, I think he was a narcissist.” (The answer to one of her worksheet questions on Greek and Roman Mythology.)

“Mom, I’m positive Marie Antoinette was a narcissist – look at this picture.  She ordered a special palace to be built, just for her.”

“Who did Napoleon think he was, anyway?”

While watching the Grammys: “Mom, do you notice that it’s not about the music, it’s all about what they look like?  Do you have to be a narcissist to make it in music?”

 

They See Narcissism Everywhere

“Mom, do you figure only narcissists drive Escalades.  That name just sounds narcissistic.”

“Male lions have to be narcissists, why else do they sit around preening and expecting everyone to adore them?”

“Mom, don’t you think irises are narcissists?  Just look at ’em.  They stand up taller than the other flowers and then they die fast if they are neglected.”

“Mom, I love peacocks, but they act like narcissists.”

 

“Mom, you know all the Disney Princesses are narcissists, right?  Cinderella is the worst.  She’s always standing in front of the other princesses fanning out her dress to hide the dresses of the other princesses.”  (You can’t make this stuff up.)

“Mom, do you think Tiger Woods is a narcissist?  Why else would he act that way on the course and treat his wife the way he did?”

 

Even cakes can be narcissists.  “Does that cake really need that much frosting and decorating?  It’s screaming for attention.  It has to be a narcissistic cake.”

“Mom, you can tell from the outside of a building, if a store caters to narcissists.”

 

When it comes to the necessary tools for surviving narcissism, their narcissism radar may be the most effective.

 

 

 

 

 

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