encouragement « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: encouragement

You Get Me

“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this thing with your dad, but I’m still glad I married him.”

Jenny looked out the car window and said, “It’d be cool if they made some sort of selective amnesia drug. You know, cuz then you could pick and choose what you wanna remember and then forget the dad parts.”

“But a lot of the dad parts have you and your brother in them, and I don’t wanna forget those.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jen turned to look at me, “Well, you know I don’t mean it like, ‘Yeah, we’re awesome, you wouldn’t wanna forget us.'”

I laughed and said, “I know what you meant, honey. You didn’t mean it like a narcissist.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 6 Comments
3
Jan 17

The Pep Talk

I winced when I heard the door slam on 2016, and I’m the one who slammed it so hard.

Three days into this new year and I’m still wincing. I’m apprehensive, unsteady, exhausted and excited – all at the same time. The holidays took over kicking my butt, where 2016 left off. I spent so much time talking about being glad 2016 was over, that I’m nervous about that energy following me into 2017. You know what they say, “Whatever you talk about, you attract.”

I read a “motivational” post the other day that pointed out that all that complaining about 2016 is misdirected. The writer went on to say that we ought to be reevaluating the choices made in 2016 that led to the messes, and make damn sure to point ourselves in a new direction.

That hurt a bit when I read that. So all that was my fault? Really? Don’t tell me to pull up my big girl pants. I hate that expression. As a single mom, I’ve been the one wearing the pants since day one.

But it’s true. It is my fault. I made the choices. I created that gigantic mess. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 2 Comments
4
Nov 16

Barriers to Thriving

This post was to be about how creativity goes through the roof once you remove the barriers to thriving. Get in a good mood and just watch what you’ll create!

I was going to tell you that I’ve been working on removing barriers. I have noticed that good (thriving) feeling returning, and I planned to give you a secret for removing barriers that might keep you from thriving.

But that’s silly because one person’s barrier is another person’s bump in the road. I can only share my experience and hope it helps you in some way.

Creativity is a direct path to thriving. If we can stop the harmful self-talk and just make stuff, we’ll get to a better feeling place. The connection between creativity and thriving is undeniable. Thriving leads to creativity, and creativity leads to thriving. Get to one, and the other naturally follows. Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides — 2 Comments
29
May 16

Dust Yourself Off

“I can’t look!” Margaret pulled the hem of her apron up to shield her eyes. “Don’t tell me what he’s saying. I can’t listen to any more.”

Gladys laughed. “Margaret, what are you talking about?”

Margaret let go of her apron with one hand, squinched her eyes shut and pointed. “Over there. That fellow on the bench. He made some kind of mistake, and now he’s mad at himself. Why must they do that?”

Gladys turned to look in the direction of the bench, as Basil approached. “Good afternoon, ladies. What am I missing?”

“Margaret is worried about that fella on the bench. She seems to think he’s being harsh on himself for some sort of transgression.” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 4 Comments
30
Apr 16

The Good and the Simple

Cabin fever kicked our butts this year. The gloominess arrived in November, when Thanksgiving turkey and football were replaced by fever, chills, and, well…. I’ll spare you the details.

There were a few bright spots to break up the grey skies, but mostly we hunkered in and crossed days off the calendar until the snow melted and the first blades of grass braved the winds.

Yesterday was the first rain-less day in a week. For six days, we stared at the water rushing down the street as our part of the world accumulated 25 percent of its annual rainfall in less than a week. Some days, the rainwater was peppered with pink blossoms from the surrounding trees. Mother Nature was trying to tell us that even when she rains on our parade, she still provides the confetti.

The soul-crushing dreariness is finally coming to an end, and it’s time for gentle reminders and a list of what’s good and simple.

Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — Comments Off
17
Mar 16

Taking Yourself By The Hand

This isn’t a plug for my book. (It should be obvious to you, by now, that I suck at self-promotion.) This post comes from an observation that I’m not as evolved as Seeing My Path indicated. I ended that book by saying that I acknowledged myself, that I truly saw myself, and that I liked what I saw.

That wasn’t enough.

It’s not possible to make that declaration and simply move on, just as it’s not possible to plant Early Girl tomatoes, say a few nurturing words, and ignore them until the shiny red globes scream to be picked. Without regular attention, those fruits will be cracked and split and assaulted by aphids.

I can’t say to myself, “Yep, you’ve been through the ringer, but you came out swinging and I like you for that!” and assume my job is done. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Survivor Support — 8 Comments
29
Feb 16

If You Know a Child of a Narcissist

There’s a good chance you know a child of a narcissist.

This post is written for you if your friend or loved-one or relative is suffering – or has suffered – at the hands of a narcissist.

Your heart aches for her. You want to make things better for him. You want to ease their pain, even if just for a moment.

You can’t make it all go away. You can’t love them enough to make up for what their parent couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You can’t swoop in and be the caretaker they have always longed for.

You can acknowledge their hurts. You can listen and believe them when they explain who their parent was/is. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
8
Jan 16

View From the High Road

“What’s the point of always taking the high road if nothing ever changes? It gets old. Why don’t we try the low road for a change?”

“I hear your frustration, bud. It sucks. I know it does. It does get old.”

“Well, he never takes the high road.”

“Maybe you’re confused about what it means to take the high road.”

Will reached for his coffee and said, “If it doesn’t improve the situation, I don’t see the point.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 10 Comments
14
Oct 15

A New Zip Code

“Hey Jesse, I heard you have a new zip code. Whatcha doin’ in here?”

“How are ya, Hank? Yes, we do have a new zip code. It’s only about 90 minutes away. I’m in town to get the house ready to rent out.”

“Wow. Big changes afoot for all of you. How are you doing with it all? And your kids? I saw them the other day at that frozen yogurt place. They appear to be happy and thriving and growing. What can I get you?”

“Do you still have Bayern Amber on tap?”

“Comin’ right up!” Continue reading →

Moving On / The Bartender — 2 Comments
27
Aug 15

On Going No Contact

“Hey, Hank! How’s it going? It’s weird to see you outside of the bar.”

“Hey, Matt. I haven’t seen you down there in awhile. Looks like you’re getting some new gear today? Have you been doing a lot more fishing this year?”

Matt held up a package of spinners and laughed, “Yeah. Funny thing is, I’ve been fishing a lot more since … well …. since I broke it off with Sarah.”

Hank reached for some leader, “Ouch. I hadn’t seen you two around, but I didn’t know. I thought you two were good together.”

Matt shook his head, “So did I.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations — 4 Comments
11
Aug 15

When Your Lizard Brain is Your Dating Coach

If your lizard brain stands in as your dating coach, odds are you’d better stay home.

Lizard Brain: You aren’t wearing those shoes are you?

Me: Why not? What’s wrong with them?

LB: Well, those heels will probably make you taller than he is, but it’s up to you. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
15
Jun 15

Uncharted Territory

When Hank smiles, his eyes crease, filling the white crows feet created by off hours spent on the river in the sun. “Nice to see you, Janna. What’ll you have?”

“A gin and tonic would be great. Thanks. How are you? It looks like you’ve managed to find the sun when you aren’t tending bar.”

Hank laughed, “Yep. The weather has finally made up its mind. Now if I could get the fish to do the same. How are you?”

“I’m well. I think.”

“Uh oh. Sounds like there’s a story there.” Hank places a napkin in front of Janna, and tops it with her drink. “Hey, was it last month you were in here, all excited about a new man in your life? How’s that going?” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 1 Comment
28
May 15

When to Accommodate

“Margaret?”

“Yes, dear?”

Gladys smoothed the crease of her skirt. “Why are you always so accommodating?”

“Whatever do you mean, dear?”

“Well, you always put everyone else first. You always consider other needs before your own.” Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Random Observations — 9 Comments
13
May 15

How to Say “No”

“So why don’t you just say “no”?”

I put my cell back in my pocket and exhaled loudly as we continued our walk. “I dunno, Jen. My knee-jerk reaction is to always try to accommodate – if I can.”

“When they asked you, did you know right away what your answer was? Did you know right away that you wanted to say no?”

“Well, sure I knew I didn’t want to say yes – my stomach clenched. Yikes. That’s a pretty good indication that I want to say no. I don’t need more on my plate.”

She moved me closer to the sidewalk as a car approached – ever the protector, that one. “How come you don’t just say no right away?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →