front lines « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: front lines

Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 9 Comments
30
Jan 17

Go Quietly in the Direction of Your Change

Tell your mom, if you want. You might even tell your dad. Telling your parents depends on your relationship with them. Remember, you don’t owe them anything.

You don’t need to tell your kids. If you tell them now, and it takes a while, they’ll sound a lot like, “Mom? Is it today? Is it happening today? When? Mom, when is the change gonna happen?” You don’t need that kind of pressure.

Depending on the relationship you have with your BFF, you may want to wait to tell her. But … if you can’t tell her right away, she’s not the BFF you think she is.

I have no idea how to predict how a guy responds to anything, so whether you tell him, or not, is up to you.

I do know, though, that if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s better not to tell him or her at all. Make the change. See if they notice. If they bring up the change, then be prepared to discuss, or more accurately, listen. Continue reading →

Why I Didn’t March

Have you ever stood outside a narcissist’s man cave yelling at him that it’s time he helped with the laundry and took a turn at entertaining the kids, only to be told that that is woman’s work?

Have you stood in front of a narcissist, hands on your hips, telling him that you will no longer be ignored and that it’s time that your dreams were made a priority, too, only to hear him say, “But if you focus on my dreams, we’ll both be happy.”

Have you written the letter that says, “I’m done! I will not live like this anymore! For my sake, and for the good of this family, things have to change around this place,” and he responds with, “Geez, settle down. Did you forget to eat breakfast again?”

Has screaming, yelling and demanding attention ever worked with a narcissist? Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Survivor Support / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
11
Dec 16

Why Is The Narcissist Being Nice?

“Why is the narcissist being nice?”

Every month, people land on this blog with that search question.

Think of the narcissist as if he went about setting a mouse trap. You are the mouse.

Nice is giving the mouse a plump piece of cheddar cheese, all the while knowing that the goal is to catch/kill the mouse. The mouse can’t help herself. She loves the treat. No matter how many times she sees sharp cheddar on that wooden plate, she forgets that the plate is a trap. Once in awhile, she’s savvy enough to get the cheese off the plate, without getting caught. We all know, though, that the mouse isn’t always that lucky.

The narcissist is setting a trap when he is being nice. He hopes you will forget that he’s setting a trap. The cheese might be diamonds or dinners or promises of good behavior. He might set the trap with organic peanut butter, just to change things up a bit, but he’s still setting a trap. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — 10 Comments
24
Aug 16

The Good News

If you have children with a narcissist, you’ve probably read up on how to co-parent with one.

I won’t go into what that looks like, other than to say that an adult with the maturity of a six year old doesn’t have any interest in parenting.

Jen recently turned 14. Somewhere during the day she was heard saying, “Four more years. Four more years until I don’t have to spend my birthdays with him.”

Will turns 18 in less than a month. You can probably imagine who will NOT be invited to Will’s party this year. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
30
Jul 16

On Being Dismissed

Every month this blog gets visited by souls who search, “Why did he dismiss me?” or “Why have I been dismissed?” or “She dismissed me, does she love me?”

In all these years of writing, reading and learning about narcissism, I’ve seen many differing opinions on why the narcissist chooses to dismiss.

The narcissist dismisses you when you stop being her source.

You’ve been dismissed because he has found a more enthusiastic source.

She dismissed you because you no longer buy into her grandiosity or her Mega Supreme-ness. (Good for you!)

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories / Survivor Support / The Bartender / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
7
Mar 16

A Narcissism Litmus Test

“Hey, Sandy! How are things? I haven’t seen you in awhile. Have you met Anne? She’s our new backup bartender. You’re going to like her.”

“Hello, Anne. Nice to meet you.” Sandy laughed and pointed at Hank. “I bet you get a real education working with this guy.”

Anne shook Sandy’s hand and said, “You know, I’ve tended other bars, and thought I’d heard it all, but Hank definitely has some new stories.”

Hank laughed, “Who, me? What can I get ya, Sandy?”

“I’m going to pretend that it’s warm enough for a gin and tonic.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
18
Dec 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 12

At this point, she’s an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom, an ineffectual facilitator for the kids and their father, a disappointing wife, and basically, a single parent.

While some women have a lengthy list of chores to greet them at the beginning of each new day, she had two lists – one of her chores, and one of her failures. It’s hard to enthusiastically fold towels or chop vegies for stir-fry, all the while knowing she’d be criticized for both. Certainly, the kids were a bigger priority than perfectly folded towels, but he didn’t see things that way.

She could handle his indifference toward her. She was used to it. By now, she was aware that she’d never perform well enough to meet his standards. But it broke her heart to think he held their precious kids up to the same standards.

She noticed his growing disdain for the oldest child, and the way he patronized the youngest. Was it all in her head? Most days he treated his kids as if they were mere inconveniences.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
15
Dec 15

Merry Christmas From Your Narcissistic Dad

“Dad, when do you want to get together for Christmas? Does Christmas afternoon work for you?”

“Well, I’m leaving town Christmas morning. I have that whole next week off. I’m sure your brother just wants to do a quick visit where I bring presents and we only chat for an hour, but I’d like it to be a longer visit. When are you coming to town.”

“We’ll be in town on Christmas Day and most of the week after.”

“That doesn’t work for me.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
8
Dec 15

Safety Versus Money

In hind sight, the choice was a no-brainer. Of course any sane person would choose safety over money. But, dammit, one more hit from the narcissist and I was starting to lose my sanity.

We’d given him official notice that we were moving – six weeks in advance of the move date. Prior to our little family meeting where we delivered the news, he had expressed his suspicions – to the kids – about a pending move. He wasn’t surprised.

I was the one who was surprised.

The week before our move, in an uncharacteristic one-line email, he informed me that he was lessening his financial support of the kids. I could almost hear him saying, “Take that for moving. Take that for taking my source. Take that for going on to live a happy life without me.”

I did not reply to his email. I have not spoken to him or written to him since before we moved. Continue reading →

Quotes / Seeing My Path / Words Got Her Home — 5 Comments
29
Sep 15

On Eradicating Evil

“It was important, Dumbledore said, to fight,
and fight again,
and keep fighting,
for only then could evil be kept at bay,
though never quite eradicated. . . .”

– J K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Child of Narcissist — 27 Comments
19
Aug 15

The Well-Versed Child of a Narcissist

The well-versed child of a narcissist knows never to get his hopes up. He grows up believing that it’s better never to count on people.

If he trusts at all, he’ll only trust a handful of folks. Often he’ll choose to trust only a few close friends instead of relations.

The well-versed child of a narcissist develops a wicked sense of humor. She’s been laughing at dysfunction since she was old enough to understand it.

She’s able to see what makes people tick. She knows who to stay away from, and who to develop relationships with, believing that her energy ought to be saved for a select group. She won’t have a lot of friends. She doesn’t want to risk being vulnerable. But for those in her inner circle, she’ll give her whole heart. Continue reading →

Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jul 15

On Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

She couldn’t help herself, she felt sorry for him. She knew the details of his childhood. She knew he’d been all but abandoned when he most needed caregivers. Each and every time she looked at him, she could see that hurt little boy who longed to be acknowledged, loved and cared for.

What kind of monster would she be if she didn’t feel sorry for him? She could be the one to show him love … finally. She could be the one to show him his worth. Someone had to do that for him. Why not her? Once he felt safe and secure in her love for him, all would be right. Then he would be whole, and he could give her what she needed.

He was drawn to her kind heart, the way dirt is drawn to that rubber floor mat you walk over as you enter from the garage. He probably wasn’t even aware of the magnetic attraction he felt for her. He didn’t realize that she was motivated by feeling sorry for him. Here was a woman who was willing to put herself aside for him. She would do anything to prove how much she loved him and that gave him power. Every time she felt sorry for him, he would glow in the focus of her attentions.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Narcissist Quotes / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Jun 15

The Wake Left by the Controller

Controllers aren’t always* aware that their actions leave lasting scars on those they are controlling. The controller is so focused on his desperate attempts at micromanaging his universe that he can’t see the destruction left in his wake.

The Controlled Wife

It’s a wonder she hasn’t been scooped up by Hollywood. Her efforts at applying makeup are Oscar-worthy. Because her husband appears to find joy in criticizing her appearance, her skillful makeup application has become an attempt at defending herself from further jabs. But, trying to please a husband who cannot be pleased is an exercise in futility.

Perhaps more importantly, her artistic way with cosmetics gives her a measure of control over her own existence. In this way, she has an area of her life that is free from his manipulations. It’s behind the safety of the locked bathroom door that she is finally able to breathe. She’s gotten fast with the application, so as to spare herself from his complaints about the amount of time she spends in the bathroom. The downfall of her obsession with cosmetics is that further anxiety is created by her need to hide any purchases from the controller. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
23
Apr 15

A Day in the Life of an Anxious Attacher

“Focus, already!”

“You’ve heard from him. Knock it off.”

“There must be something wrong. I sent him that email 20 minutes ago, and still no response.”

Such are the words inside the mind of an Anxious Attacher.

She might start the day optimistic. She’ll have her to-do list ready, her projects prioritized, her appointments scheduled and her coffee consumed. She’ll be heading down a productive path that gets things crossed off her list, helps her feel positive and full of energy, and then… she gets an email where he sounds a little off. He sounds like he might be out of sorts. He may not even be out of sorts, but she so adeptly reads between the lines that she’ll be convinced he’s out of sorts by the fifth time she’s reread his email. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool — 3 Comments
30
Mar 15

Keeping Our Heads Above Water

We are paddling like crazy and keeping our heads above water.

Barely.

We’ve been paddling through some expected stuff; and we’ve held our breath and maneuvered some unexpected stuff. The water has been pretty choppy lately.

To be fair, there have been some calm pools that allow us to float on our backs, feel the warmth of the sun, and catch our breath. The bitter and the sweet must be what they mean by balance?

When it comes to homeschool… ha! There are no better lessons than the ones that have been handed down lately. Continue reading →