front lines « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: front lines

When the Narcissist Tries

You might be laughing at the title of this post. You might be thinking, “Ha! Like a narcissist ever tries. Never is more like it!”

Oh, but they do try. They try to get along when their source has dried up. When they are craving narcissistic supply, they will pull out all the stops to try to get attention from you. This is what it looks like:

Your narcissistic dad will call and ask you how Beth Ann is doing. You’ll continue along with the conversation even though you know he’s talking about your buddy, Annabeth. Your mom has even introduced him to Annabeth. You and your mom have both corrected him when he has called Annabeth by other names including Abigail, Alyssa, Alicia and Annie. He could write the name down because he is a note taker. You’ve seen him write down lots of lists – names of flies, best spots for flyfishing, the name of someone who might be selling a raft. It’s just that your buddy’s name isn’t important enough for your dad to keep track of.

When you tell your narcissistic dad that your grandparents are helping with the costs of golf, he’ll say, “Geez, that’s great. Are you going to have any time to go fishing or hiking or camping with me?”

When your narcissistic dad comes over to check out your newest project, “He’ll say, ‘You sure our talented. Why did you do it that way? Wouldn’t you want to do it this way? Geez, I would have never done it that way. I would have done it this way.'”

Continue reading →

On Telling the Narcissist No

The family had split into separate canoes some time ago. Initially, the paddling was difficult. The water was choppy and the canoe carrying the mother and the two children took on water more times than not. The father was in a canoe by himself. He didn’t seem to mind the rough waters. Truth be told, he seemed to prefer making waves and watching the other three struggle to keep their canoe afloat.

In time, the three found their rhythm. They paddled in sync and enjoyed the view. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but they became adept at riding out the storms. They’d hunker down, breathe through the rapids, remember not to hang on too tightly (because that makes the ride more tense), and make each other laugh.

More recently, when his canoe approached, he’d be paddling more gently. She dared to believe that he might not want to rock their boat anymore. A couple sunny days found the canoes gliding side by side as the four exchanged stories of golf, fishing, and fairy gardens.

One afternoon, both canoes were beached as the four discussed a possible journey to be taken by the father and the two children. The mother was included, and they all smiled through the conversation. The talking was easy. Each opinion was heard. The children were asked to think about the proposed adventure and let the father know, the next day, if they planned to go with him. Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
May 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 8

She hadn’t heard the ticking of a biological clock. She didn’t have one.

She rarely babysat as a kid. She never craved holding a newborn. She didn’t know what to do around kids. When she married at 33, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be starting a family. That was fine with her.* He had adult children from a previous marriage, so he wasn’t pushing to start a second family. She has no recollection of discussing babies with him. Perhaps they both assumed that wasn’t on the table.

__________

As she looks back, she wonders if – in lieu of a ticking biological clock – what she heard were faint echos coming from a deep cavern. “Helloooo up there. Is this all there is? Is this the amount of love you might ever expect to receive?” And quieter still, the softest whisper that said, “Can you expect to survive on so little human contact or connection?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting — 9 Comments
23
Apr 14

On Narcissism and Negativity

“What did dad want?”

I put the cell down and said, “Well, he wants to come by here and pick up some of Will’s sketches. He wants to make copies of them.”

Silence….

“Jen, are you okay?”

“Sure. I’m fine,” spoken like a mini-me.

“Jen, it would make sense to get your feelings hurt when your dad comes over here, plucks some of Will’s sketches off the kitchen wall – that hang right next to your sketches – without his asking to take any of your work. That would hurt feelings. You can admit that.”

“I know.”

A couple hours later…

“Guys! I don’t know what to do here. I have been working on avoiding anything negative. I try to banish negative self-talk and avoid negative conversations. I’m trying to make progress here. I don’t want a cloud hanging over this happy sanctuary that is our home.

Jen, you are the most positive person I know. Will, you don’t have a negative bone in your body. But how do I handle it when something like this happens with your dad? How do I avoid any discussion about this?

If I let it slide by without acknowledging the potential for hurt feelings, it appears that I’m fine with his actions. And that’s definitely not the case.

If I bring it to light, then I can’t do so without dipping into the negative.

What would you do?”

Will looks up from his work, “Well, we have to talk about it so that Jen knows that we don’t agree with how he treats her. It sucks, and it’s not right.”

Jen comes out from the kitchen, “We have to talk about it so that we don’t end up being crappy parents with our own kids. We have to know what to avoid, but we don’t have to dwell on it. We can just talk about it and move on and not let the negative take over.”

Homekeeping / Homeschool / Parenting — 12 Comments
8
Apr 14

When the Organized, Independent, Single Mom Drops the Ball

“Mom, you know what I noticed about you? You are organized.”

I have to be organized.

I know when the cat needs shots; when to change the furnace filter; the best time to plant sweet pea seeds (weather permitting); and when the frog needs his (or her?) water changed. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Mar 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 7

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She’d grown accustomed to being invisible. Invisibility was normal. She learned that in childhood. In her marriage, she was invisible to her partner, so she thought that was normal, too.

The INFJ

Most INFJs enjoy being invisible. INFJs are comfortable staying in the background. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories — 4 Comments
17
Mar 14

Walking on Eggshells

She’d walked on eggshells in hiking boots. She’d walked across eggshells in heels. She’d even walked on eggshells in bare feet. It didn’t matter how delicately she stepped. She’d tried to step around them. She knew the eggshells would cut the soles of her feet. And still – every day – she walked on eggshells.

She could tell you how long she’d been at it – since before she’d married him.

Every morning, she’d walk into the kitchen and there they were – the shells scattered across the hardwoods. She would step around them and grab for the broom. She’d sweep up the pile as he was leaving for work. All day long, she’d walk through the kitchen and notice that the shells were gone, but the minute she heard his car in the drive, the shells would reappear.

She’d find herself stepping over eggshells for the rest of the evening. She’d serve his dinner while crunching over shells. She’d clean up the kitchen while stepping on still more shells. Most nights, there was nothing she could do or say that would make them go away. But once in a great while, she’d do something right – she couldn’t even tell you what it was, but she’d look over her shoulder and the shells would be gone. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
27
Feb 14

Steering Clear

“Do I have to?”

“Honey, two runs a couple times a ski season, and that’s it. It won’t kill ya, and it’s way better than a whole ski day with him.”

She buckles her boots and sighs, “I know.”

“I’ll be waiting for you at the bottom of the lift.” I can see she’s nervous. I can see her eyes are already losing their sparkle. She’s dreading these two runs with every fiber of her being. Normally she gets herself ready, but now she’s stalling. As I wrap the fleece scarf around her face and neck I remind her that it doesn’t matter what he says, “You are an awesome skier. Just ignore his words.”

Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations — Comments Off
24
Feb 14

The Legacy

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work
and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for –
in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car,
and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

– Ellen Goodman

Forty years later, we’ll step off that hamster wheel and wonder if it’s worth it. We’ll turn to our kids and start to say, “Hey, I dunno if this is such a good idea.”

They won’t hear us over the din of their own spinning wheels.

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 5 Comments
3
Jan 14

You Are Wonderful, but …

You are wonderful!

You are kind and talented and smart and courageous and funny and caring.

You may even be gorgeous with a sense of style that magazines try to capture.

You might have worked long enough to get that hard body that some women crave. Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
20
Dec 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 5

Often, it isn’t until after you do something that you realize how much you shouldn’t have done that thing. So it was with marrying the narcissist.

In the flurry of preparations the morning of the ceremony, she was approached by well-wishers. The look in their eyes should have told her something. As over-thinking INFJs do, she assumed she needed to do more to make her guests comfortable. Now, as she thinks back on the general mood of the attendees, she realizes those looks showed concern – concern masked by forced smiles.

What should the energy be on that big day? Isn’t it more about the marriage than the wedding? Don’t two people grow together during the marriage? Jitters and cold feet are present at every wedding, aren’t they? The wedding was a formality. The marriage was the true test of their rightness for each other.

Right? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
16
Dec 13

If You Can’t Say Something Nice, You Might be a Narcissist

We’d gone into the lodge to make sure she wasn’t getting frostbite. She made faces at me while I rubbed her tender cheeks to get the circulation back. “Honey, keep gently rubbing your cheeks. The white spot will go away as you warm up.” She patted her face and said, “Remember when dad was at the house the other day and he looked at my mermaids?”

“Yeah. That was Thursday.”

“Well, I forgot to tell you what he said.”

“About the mermaids?”

“No, about the mermaids, he just nodded his head and said, ‘I like them. You did a good job.’ But he said something else, too.” Continue reading →

Control / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
25
Oct 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 2

Those INFJ traits make for a tenacious individual when it comes to working on relationships. She would never run out of the desire to try. She’d contort herself into whatever shape he needed in order to make this work.