in search of self « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: in search of self

Moving On — 13 Comments
27
Feb 17

The Turning Point

You know how they say everything happens in its own time for a reason.

This morning I woke like any other morning. My back was sore. That’s not new. I made good coffee, also not new.

I checked the emails and the sites and the comments. I read the smattering of news that I can stomach. I made another cup of coffee and greeted Jen and Will.

I considered finishing the 700 word post I’d written yesterday, but opted to do some stretches and listen to Esther Hicks, instead. I found a Hicks tape that talked about bodily pain, resistance, and dwelling on stuff instead of focusing on where I’m heading. I wondered if the post I’d written yesterday had anything to do with the increased pain in my back.

Continue reading →

Random Observations — 10 Comments
20
Oct 16

On Ease and Intuition

The other night we were watching David Blaine on Netflix. I’m not into magic, but I was humoring Will. It was good, except my overthinking brain churns on trying to figure out the tricks. In one segment, Blaine approached a fellow and said, “Pick a card.” A Jack of Clubs popped into my head. Before I could say, “You guys, it’s a Jack of Clubs,” the fellow on the TV said, “Jack of Clubs.” I told the kids and they were less than surprised, because that stuff happens all the time around here.

We can’t turn on the car radio without one of them saying, “I woke up with that song on my mind, and there it is. They never play that one.” Or, “Hey, I was just thinking about so-and-so and they left a message on my voicemail.”

(Doesn’t mean I don’t love you if I don’t pick up when you call. INFJ, remember?)

Or Jen says, “Hey, we should go to Cafe Rio tonight,” and Will blurts out, “I was just gonna say that!” We do spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t explain all of these incidences. We’re not reading each other’s minds just because we are always together. Besides, the older Will gets, the less I’m able to read his mind.

Intuition is a big deal to all three of us. It drives our passions. Intuition tells Will where the fishing will be better. Intuition guides Jen as she creates figures out of sculpey. As an INFJ, I’m hard-pressed to think of anything that can’t be enhanced, improved or avoided if I’ve been paying attention to my intuition. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 7 Comments
10
Sep 16

On Guideposts and Eggplant

I recently pinned a photo of a darling little girl with a quote: “I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.” I can’t quit thinking about it. On the one hand, it doesn’t feel good to label someone a “difficult” person. Heck, I’m a difficult person, or so I’ve been told, and being called difficult does not feel good. On the other hand, I struggle with trying to figure out why I click with some and can not click with others, and calling them difficult gets me off the hook. (Why do I waste so much energy worrying about not clicking with someone? –> Lizard brain.)

None of us clicks with everyone, and that’s a blessing. How much time would any of us have if we didn’t naturally filter out some people in order to have more energy to focus on others?

But I liked the pin, and I really liked her dimples. After seeing the message, I realized that I spend too much time trying to figure out why I don’t get on with some. Are they a mirror to me? Are they reflecting back to me the stuff I need to be working on? Are they in my life to teach me some new lesson? Could it be that I am the teacher? Gawd! For their sake, I hope I’m not their teacher.

What does it mean that I don’t click with this person?

The pin told me, “You don’t need to dwell on it. You don’t need to figure it out. You don’t have to understand why you don’t get along. It doesn’t have to mean that there is something wrong with you, or with them. The pin is telling you, ‘Don’t go there. Don’t be that. That isn’t meant for you.'” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations — Comments Off
11
Aug 16

Cat with Hydrangeas

She was sitting in the window and I thought, “See that? That looks like one of those photos on Pinterest.” You’ve seen them. They’re all over the internet. Those pics seem to promise a serene life with steaming cups of tea, stacks of good books, four uninterrupted hours of alone time, and a guarantee of enlightenment through stolen moments of self care.

At least that’s what I think they promise.

I assume the people who take those kinds of pictures have all the time in the world to scout around and look for the perfect photo opportunities. They don’t have to waste precious minutes picking up after their messes.

The Quintessential Pinterest Pinner doesn’t have to file a change of address form for the second time in a year, or sift through her storage unit looking for ice skates or home school supplies or a box of embroidery floss. Continue reading →

Moving On — 2 Comments
24
Jul 16

Keep Moving

I’ve consumed the Arnica Montana. I rub on the Biofreeze. I do the yoga, the stretching, the lifting of weights and the ibuprofen. Fifteen minutes ago, I wrestled the tennis ball away from the cat and stood against a wall with the ball centered on the hard lump of accumulated stress. I pushed against that tennis ball with enough pressure to bring tears to my eyes. I released and pushed again.

Some of these remedies offer temporary relief. Most of them just keep me busy with applying and sweating and complaining.

The stresses of the last 14 months set up camp in a muscle on the right side of my spine, just below my shoulder blades.

When I am walking, the pain leaves. I don’t know where the pain goes, but that is the only time that I am without pain, so I walk. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
23
Mar 16

Convictions

I just walked over to the dining room table intending to write “chicken” on my grocery list. I wrote in block letters and put a box around the word, but when I put down the pen, I realized I’d written the word “convictions.”

Have you heard the one about the husband sitting at the dinner table? He intends to say, “Please pass the salt,” but instead he blurts out, “You’ve ruined my life.”

Those messages rise to the surface for a reason. Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — Comments Off
17
Mar 16

Taking Yourself By The Hand

This isn’t a plug for my book. (It should be obvious to you, by now, that I suck at self-promotion.) This post comes from an observation that I’m not as evolved as Seeing My Path indicated. I ended that book by saying that I acknowledged myself, that I truly saw myself, and that I liked what I saw.

That wasn’t enough.

It’s not possible to make that declaration and simply move on, just as it’s not possible to plant Early Girl tomatoes, say a few nurturing words, and ignore them until the shiny red globes scream to be picked. Without regular attention, those fruits will be cracked and split and assaulted by aphids.

I can’t say to myself, “Yep, you’ve been through the ringer, but you came out swinging and I like you for that!” and assume my job is done. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 6 Comments
30
Nov 15

I Do Not Like Green Pumpkin Pie

“Hey Jesse! How was your Thanksgiving?”

“Well, we all came down with that stomach bug. Only three of the four of us could even eat the dinner. My pumpkin pie turned green. And the dogs ate all of the salami we’d sliced for appetizers. It was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had, and I’m NOT being facetious. How was yours? Oh… I’ll have a Fat Tire, please.”

Hank laughed, “Wow! You sound like a beer-drinking Erma Bombeck.”

“I’d bet she tossed back a few in her day. Seriously, though, how was your turkey day?”

“Nice and quiet, just how I like it.” Hank placed an almost over-flowing glass of beer in front of Jesse. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
5
Nov 15

A Bird’s Eye View

Keep your crystal ball, I want a bird’s eye view of the path I’ve chosen. Make no mistake, I don’t want to know the outcome. I’m not rushing off to a fortune teller in hopes of getting validation that I’m on the right track. I’ve consulted the runes enough times to get confused over their seemingly mixed signals. They offer some encouragement, but I want more than that.

I want to sore above the trees and get the kind of perspective that only a bird can get. I want a view of the horizon. I want to see right up to the edge without any spoilers. I don’t want to know how it ends. I don’t want to know if there will be a “happily ever after.”

I want to know if I chose the correct path. I want to see if the guideposts are meant for me. I want reassurance that the struggle is due, without knowing the payoff.

Please don’t tell me to have faith.

I’ve had faith before. I’ve continued blindly on what I thought was the right path. The signs along the way were screaming at me to turn around. But I had faith, and I kept going down that path. I had faith, but I didn’t believe. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
21
Sep 15

Why You Need an HSP in Your Life

You probably have an HSP in your life. There are a lot of us out there.

If you’re reading this, you are most likely a Highly Sensitive Person.

Many, however, who are probably not HSP, read the title of this post, rolled their eyes and opted to read something else. They are tired of hearing about us. They can’t relate. They aren’t wired to relate. They’ve come to believe that HSPs are an inconvenience or that we are high-maintenance. We’re too sensitive, take everything personally, and get overwhelmed easily. They may not realize that they have HSPs in their lives who serve very important roles.

HSPs are the folks you turn to when you need real human contact. Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides / Stories — 5 Comments
15
Sep 15

On Popcorn, Track Record and the New Guy

“Oh dear! I can’t bring myself to watch.”

“Pass the popcorn, Margaret. This is getting good.”

Margaret passed the bowl of popcorn to Gladys. “Gladys! How can you be so insensitive? She’s struggling. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see that. That’s why it’s getting good!” Gladys scooped up a handful of popcorn in one hand and with the other, she deliberately ate one popped kernel at a time, while watching the drama unfold.

Basil walked over and sat next to Gladys. “Uh oh. She’s at it again, isn’t she.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
15
Jun 15

Uncharted Territory

When Hank smiles, his eyes crease, filling the white crows feet created by off hours spent on the river in the sun. “Nice to see you, Janna. What’ll you have?”

“A gin and tonic would be great. Thanks. How are you? It looks like you’ve managed to find the sun when you aren’t tending bar.”

Hank laughed, “Yep. The weather has finally made up its mind. Now if I could get the fish to do the same. How are you?”

“I’m well. I think.”

“Uh oh. Sounds like there’s a story there.” Hank places a napkin in front of Janna, and tops it with her drink. “Hey, was it last month you were in here, all excited about a new man in your life? How’s that going?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
23
Apr 15

A Day in the Life of an Anxious Attacher

“Focus, already!”

“You’ve heard from him. Knock it off.”

“There must be something wrong. I sent him that email 20 minutes ago, and still no response.”

Such are the words inside the mind of an Anxious Attacher.

She might start the day optimistic. She’ll have her to-do list ready, her projects prioritized, her appointments scheduled and her coffee consumed. She’ll be heading down a productive path that gets things crossed off her list, helps her feel positive and full of energy, and then… she gets an email where he sounds a little off. He sounds like he might be out of sorts. He may not even be out of sorts, but she so adeptly reads between the lines that she’ll be convinced he’s out of sorts by the fifth time she’s reread his email. Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender — 7 Comments
19
Feb 15

The INFJ and Lost Souls

“Hey, Hank. How are things?”

“Can’t complain, the bar is busy, the weather’s fine. It’s all good. What about you? What’ll ya have?”

“The dark stuff. Thanks.”

Hank filled a pint, stopping just before the foam spilled. He placed the beer in front of Joe. “Last time you were in here, it was Jack on the rocks. Did you figure things out with the woman?”

Joe laughed. “I’m still working on that. In the meantime, I gotta ask you – seeing’s how you’re the expert – about my sister.” Continue reading →