that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do —
determined to save the only life you could save. – Mary Oliver
Posts Tagged: in search of self
7
Feb 12
S.O.S.
…there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do —
determined to save the only life you could save. – Mary Oliver
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do —
determined to save the only life you could save. – Mary Oliver
3
Feb 12
They Said
They said, “How bad can it be? He doesn’t beat you. He doesn’t gamble. He isn’t gone every weekend. You have a nice home. How bad can it be?”
They said, “You know, it’s not easy being a single mom. There will be lonely nights. It’s a lot to handle by yourself. Are you sure this is what you want?”
She said, “I don’t want to hear your reasons for leaving him. I think he’s wonderful.”
He said, “I thought you were the perfect couple. You looked like you were happy. Wasn’t he making enough money for you?”
And when I started this blog, they said, “You shouldn’t dwell on all this negative stuff. It just isn’t healthy for you or the kids. Leave all this toxic stuff behind you.”
…
After I’d been writing for over two years, and the kids and I had clearly grown and worked through a laundry list of issues, they said, “Well, where are you going to go with this now? You’ve survived. You’re thriving, even. You’ve clearly come out the other side and you’ve made great progress. Why are you still writing about surviving narcissism?”
__________
This morning I received an email. She said, “I saw the comment that came from another corner of the world. I see how many there are. I see how they all wonder if they might be crazy. I see how this impacts children. I see how this might help. I get it now.”
I knew she would.
31
Jan 12
What Lifts You Up?
He said, “Mom, why do you think I’m outta sorts today?”
I said, “Maybe you’re wishing we had snow. Maybe this is the pre-dad visit funk. Maybe you need to eat something. Or, maybe it’s just one of those days.”
And because the hot water of the shower has a way of warming my skull and opening my brain to the current of ideas that passes in and around this house, I came out of the bathroom with an inspired thought.
Imaginary Hot Air Balloons Continue reading →
24
Jan 12
You Can’t See Me Until I Do
There is an undercurrent of truth seekers in the river of life.
They are everywhere.
Some carry backpacks full of self-help books. Some can be seen taking a Myers-Briggs Test at the corner table in Starbucks. Some fill yoga classes. Some do Tai Chi on a sunny afternoon at the park, and they don’t care who might be watching.
Some might meditate.
Some might write in a dog-eared journal. Continue reading →
20
Jan 12
Practicing What I Preach
It wasn’t because I was on my second glass of liquid courage.
It wasn’t because my kids were milling about and I was trying to lead by example.
It wasn’t because I’d been reading The Inner Pulse, by Marc Siegel.
It was because I wrote of this very thing in Seeing My Path.
I inherently believe that I can’t change others.
I do believe change can begin with me. Continue reading →
17
Jan 12
A Work In Progress
I am a work in progress and so is this blog.
First, some chronology to set the stage:
5 1/2 years ago – Stuff three boxes, buckle two young kids into car seats, leave husband, nice house, financially secure future, perpetual stomach aches and nicest yard* I’ll ever tend.
5 years, 5 months ago – Discover NPD and naively present the concept to narcissistic husband and helplessly watch as message falls on deaf ears.
5 years, 3 months ago – Buy tiny, cozy, safe home for the three of us. Put holes in walls, roll in grass that is never fertilized, refuse to make beds, leave projects out in plain sight, smile and laugh every day.
4 years, 4 months ago – Youngest starts public school. Take a temporary, part-time job with family. Rush between commitments like every other family in the U.S. Stomach aches start to make a reappearance.
4 years ago – Divorce is finalized. Kids seem to be coping well with divorce, not so well with public school. Continue reading →
28
Dec 11
Idea Magnets
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people. – Eleanor Roosevelt
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people. – Eleanor Roosevelt
The other day we stopped at a convenience store to pick up corn nuts and Cheetos for a road trip. We placed our stuff on the counter and the clerk said, “So have you heard about the theory that if a train started out today and …. speed of light…. circling the globe….. rate of speed….. it would arrive in the year 2032?”
Don’t quote me on that because, honestly, I didn’t understand a word he said, but he sparked an entertaining conversation that lasted the first 30 miles of our road trip.
We have a new friend that fixes us chicken pot pie and brownies and chats with us – even kids* – about things like past lives, quantum physics, philosophy and art.
For several days after one of those dinners, Will can be heard saying, “Is that really a chair, or do you just think it’s a chair?” Jenny will say, “Is it really that windy out, or do I just think it’s that windy out?” Continue reading →
12
Dec 11
When You Don’t Want To Go Out There
It’s cold outside.
I won’t know anyone there.
I can’t go dressed like this.
Everyone will be younger.
Everyone will be older. Continue reading →
8
Dec 11
If It Isn’t One Thing, It’s Your Period
They could have banished me to the old white shed.
I wouldn’t have blamed them.
In desperation, I came up with a plan to try and establish balance in our home.
I wanted to go back to bed.
I wanted to eat everything in sight. Continue reading →
5
Dec 11
I Want to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy
It sat there for six days.
I couldn’t bring myself to put it away.
In my typical state of doing too many things at once, while talking to Will, brushing my teeth and straightening the bathroom, I almost tossed it in the cupboard.
But I stopped myself.
I had grown to like the look of it.
Really.
I’m okay.
I swear.
__________
I liked its simpleness.
I liked its sparkles.
I liked that it barely left a slight shadow.
I liked how it stood out amongst the things it sat beside.
I liked how it waited patiently until it was pressed into service.
I liked that it didn’t have an identity crisis, and knew completely and without a doubt what it was expected to do. It might be worn on a tiny wrist or twisted into a doll’s hair, but it had a single, primary function that it performed better than most anything else.
It didn’t care that it was no longer in style.
It didn’t care that it wasn’t used very often.
It levitated happily, in its place, letting its shiny threads brighten our day.
Oh… to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy.
28
Nov 11
Ignore the Two Steps Back
One step forward, two steps back.
One step forward, two steps back.
One step for……
I know, already!
Yet I can be found grumbling, kicking rocks and beating myself up with each one of those steps taken back.
My cheerleader voice says:
“Focus on the progress.”
“See how far you’ve come.”
“Hello, Girl! You are way better off now than you were five years ago!”
“It’s okay to slip up once in awhile.”
And because I was never a cheerleader in real life – is high school real life? – I gravitate to the curmudgeon side of me that says:
“Why do you let him get to you?”
“Wow, Jesse, way to emulate grace and poise,” in a most facetious tone.
“Hello? Have you forgotten what the pattern is here?”
And then the wise old soul in me – the one who lightens up, the one who doesn’t take all this shit too seriously, the one gently encouraged by the Universe, the one whose cup is empty says:
“Jesse, it’s okay.”
“That’s what it’s like to be human.”
“Slip-ups happen on the way to progress.”
“You are showing your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, own it, and move on.”
“Remember that thing about the bitter and the sweet?”
“Just keep moving, honey, and don’t put so damn much emphasis on those two steps back.”
24
Nov 11
Appreciation for Blessings
Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.
Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.
I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.
- A safe, cozy home – free of judgment and negative energy.
- Family and friends who infuse our lives with love, humor, skill saws, plumbing knowledge and free labor.
- A cat who knows when we need extra attention, and doesn’t get too mad at us when we take occasional road trips.
- The opportunity to let kids be kids in all their exuberance, sweet messiness, and enthusiastically curious selves.
- The ability to let the kids pick the menu for today’s feast. (Pot roast, buttery noodles, lasagna, macaroni and cheese and Cheetos – cuz it’s about the getting together and not about forcing kids to eat stuffing made with chunks of gizzard. Sorry, mom. But I will miss your stuffing.)
- The chance to start a new day with grace and integrity even though I blew all my grace and integrity out of the water with Mark a couple days ago.
- The deep understanding that I am perfect in my whole unique self. I may have a long way to go, but it’s okay if I mess up, and the important thing is that I keep trying.
- The insightful, often funny, warm and encouraging comments from all the caring individuals who read this blog.
- Two amazing kids – one tucked under each arm – who chose to make this journey with me.
- That look in the eye of someone who knows you, understands you, and loves you anyway.
- Second chances.
- The quiet moment to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and laugh, after the mountain of holiday dishes are done.
- Leftover lasagna instead of leftover turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!
14
Nov 11
The Impact of Attitude
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company … a church … a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude … I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you … we are in charge of our Attitudes.
C. Swindoll*
I have a choice.
I could wake this morning, annoyed that winter is on its way, and I’ll soon be shoveling walks and hauling firewood; or I could appreciate the built-in exercise routine that doesn’t require a monthly health club fee.
I could be angry that I am a single mom with full responsibility for raising two kids by myself; or I could appreciate how fortunate I am that they are with me 98 percent of the time.
I could be missing the much nicer house we used to live in, and the lack of money worries; or I could appreciate that this home is full of love and comfort, and my kids have learned valuable lessons that come from living within our means.
I could be annoyed by the mess from the English Muffins and coffee makings; or I could appreciate that they can make their own breakfast, and make me a cup while they’re at it.
I could be anxious that I’m single and 49; or I could revel in the sheer joy of being single and 49.
I could be worried about what the future holds, and whether I’ll benefit from the choices I’m making; or I could trust that the level of contentment I see in the three of us is a good indication that we are headed in the right direction.
I could be cranky about having started a bathroom remodel when I know next to nothing about such things; or I could turn this into a homeschool project where all three of us learn in the process.
I could bark at the kids when I can’t handle the mess; or I could acknowledge that this is their house, too, and gently ask them to help when I feel overwhelmed.
__________
I could choose to see what is wrong in our life and our choices; or I could choose to see what is right.
I can choose to wake with a positive attitude and greet my two with a smile and a kind voice that gets the day off to a good start.
I have a choice.
*Thank you, Kate. ;)
9
Nov 11
Ordinary, Everyday Bright Spots
They are in there.
I promise.
You might have to train yourself to look at things differently.
Some bright spots may require a little effort on your part.
Some bright spots just happen.
Once you notice them, savor them.
- Perfectly steeped tea, toast with the right amount of seedless raspberry jam, a good magazine and a few quiet moments to read.
- A Jackson Browne song, followed by a Bonnie Raitt song, followed by Fleetwood Mac on the radio as you’re driving down a tree-lined street under a canopy of red, yellow and gold.
- When the kids enjoy working together to build a ginormous pile of leaves for jumping in; and the sound of their caring, cooperative voices laughing and happy.
- A canceled dad visit.
- An email from a friend that simply says, “I was thinking of you today.”
- The cat jumping into your lap, simultaneously warming you and slowing your heart rate.
- When she finds the perfect leaf engraved with the mysterious zig zag and sets about pressing it in waxed paper between two heavy cookbooks, and doesn’t ask for help.
- When he yells, “Thanks for washing my clothes, mom!”
- A long, hot, uninterrupted, steamy shower with time to apply rosemary-scented pumice foot rub on dry cracked heels.
- Spontaneous hugs and whispers of “I love you” from the child who didn’t use to be so demonstrative.
- When she says, “Mom, can I fold the towels? Please?”
- When, at 4:30, you call and invite someone for dinner at 6, and they say, “Yes! And I’ll bring the wine!”
- When you stop raking for a second, realize that it’s not windy, and you can hear the train rumbling along the tracks down by the river and the high-pitched sound of the wings of the Canadian Geese as they fly over head.
- That first sip of Merlot when the spaghetti sauce is simmering gently, the kids are outside rolling in the leaves and Dean Martin’s version of Sway comes on the iPod.
- That delicious place at the end of the day when all the doors are locked, the kids are tucked in safely, you lay back on a new pillow, open up a new book, and realize you have the freedom to read for as long as you want.
- The moment when you realize that all your choices have brought you to this place in time, and you discover that you are right where you want to be.
25
Oct 11
Self Care In Stolen Moments
In an unexpected turn of events, both kids ended up at grandma’s.
She could do laundry, rake leaves, return phone calls or unload the dishwasher.
She could clean the cat box, change the water in the fish bowls, pick up the remnants of thread from last night’s craft fest, or run errands.
Without giving it any more thought, she jumped in the car and headed for the wine shop. She re-filled a bottle with basil-infused olive oil and selected an every-day bottle of red wine.
When she got home, she kicked off her shoes and ignored the mess.
She cued Nora Jones on Pandora and stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the crimson leaves waiting for a strong gust of wind.
She spied a ripe tomato on the windowsill and went to work.
She put a cast iron pan on medium heat; thinly sliced the tomato; thickly sliced the Monterey Jack, grabbed two slices of bread and butter. She gathered deli ham, balsamic vinegar, Italian Seasoning and a jelly jar.
She layered ham on one slice of bread, added cheese and tomato, and covered with the other slice of bread. She spread one outer side of the sandwich with butter and placed it in the warmed pan. She buttered the remaining side.
She kept the heat at medium so the cheese would slowly melt, sealing the tomatoes to the ham while the bread slightly toasted.
She poured an inch of cabernet in the jelly jar.
She turned up the volume on Pandora.
She glanced again through the kitchen window, took a deep breath and didn’t let herself think about laundry, raking, dishes or bills.
She flipped the sandwich and took a sip of wine.
She cleared a place on the kitchen table, moving things aside, not putting them away.
Once the sandwich was toasted and the cheese was melty, she moved it to a plate and separated the sandwich to reveal the warmed tomato slices. She drizzled balsamic and the basil-infused olive oil over the tomatoes, soaking the toasted bread. She dusted the tomatoes with Italian Seasoning.
After another sip of wine, she took her first bite.
__________
It’s not often that she has a moment to herself. She seldom takes the time to fix herself something yummy to eat.
As she savored the sweetness of the tomatoes, the richness of the cheese and the earthiness of the balsamic, she tried to direct her thoughts.
In her mind, she tied a wide, crimson-colored satin bow around the things she ought to do next.
She pushed them all aside.
Instead, she imagined opening a gift.
The gift was a present to herself. As she unwrapped the package, images began flying out of the box. The images represented all the things she was grateful for: her happy, healthy smiling kids; their cozy little home; good friends and family and her own health.
She took another bite as she visualized more images flying out of the package.
There were the projects she’d completed; the trips they’d taken; the book she’d finished; and the new goals lined out.
In this rare quiet moment, she had the space and time to take stock of, and enjoy her accomplishments. Instead of fretting about what needed to be done, she thought of the tasks and projects she’d managed to complete.
She allowed herself to be proud of those completed projects.
She had set her own goals and standards, and proved that she could meet them.
She could feel the momentum that comes from making changes and completing projects.
There was more to be done.
There would be more to be thankful for.
And then she heard their footsteps on the front porch.
The door burst open, letting in two kids and a flurry of leaves.
“What’s that smell? Mmmm…. Will you make me one?”
__________
Grilled Ham, Cheese and Tomato
- Italian Bread
- Deli Honey Ham – thinly sliced
- Monterey Jack Cheese – thick slices
- Tomato – from the garden, if you are lucky
- Balsamic Vinegar
- Basil-infused Olive Oil – Extra Virgin Olive Oil will do nicely
- Italian Seasoning – or Oregano
- Butter
Layer ham, cheese and tomatoes between slices of bread. Butter the top and place buttered side down in a cast iron skillet that has warmed on medium heat. Toast slowly to melt the cheese and warm the tomatoes. Butter top before flipping.
Once the sandwich is toasted, remove from heat and separate. Lightly drizzle the olive oil and balsamic over the tomatoes, letting some soak into the bread. Sprinkle with seasoning.
Take bites of sandwich and sips of wine while picturing all the things you are grateful for.
