narcissism « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissism

Safety Versus Money

In hind sight, the choice was a no-brainer. Of course any sane person would choose safety over money. But, dammit, one more hit from the narcissist and I was starting to lose my sanity.

We’d given him official notice that we were moving – six weeks in advance of the move date. Prior to our little family meeting where we delivered the news, he had expressed his suspicions – to the kids – about a pending move. He wasn’t surprised.

I was the one who was surprised.

The week before our move, in an uncharacteristic one-line email, he informed me that he was lessening his financial support of the kids. I could almost hear him saying, “Take that for moving. Take that for taking my source. Take that for going on to live a happy life without me.”

I did not reply to his email. I have not spoken to him or written to him since before we moved. Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides / Stories — 5 Comments
15
Sep 15

On Popcorn, Track Record and the New Guy

“Oh dear! I can’t bring myself to watch.”

“Pass the popcorn, Margaret. This is getting good.”

Margaret passed the bowl of popcorn to Gladys. “Gladys! How can you be so insensitive? She’s struggling. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see that. That’s why it’s getting good!” Gladys scooped up a handful of popcorn in one hand and with the other, she deliberately ate one popped kernel at a time, while watching the drama unfold.

Basil walked over and sat next to Gladys. “Uh oh. She’s at it again, isn’t she.” Continue reading →

Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jul 15

On Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

She couldn’t help herself, she felt sorry for him. She knew the details of his childhood. She knew he’d been all but abandoned when he most needed caregivers. Each and every time she looked at him, she could see that hurt little boy who longed to be acknowledged, loved and cared for.

What kind of monster would she be if she didn’t feel sorry for him? She could be the one to show him love … finally. She could be the one to show him his worth. Someone had to do that for him. Why not her? Once he felt safe and secure in her love for him, all would be right. Then he would be whole, and he could give her what she needed.

He was drawn to her kind heart, the way dirt is drawn to that rubber floor mat you walk over as you enter from the garage. He probably wasn’t even aware of the magnetic attraction he felt for her. He didn’t realize that she was motivated by feeling sorry for him. Here was a woman who was willing to put herself aside for him. She would do anything to prove how much she loved him and that gave him power. Every time she felt sorry for him, he would glow in the focus of her attentions.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Narcissist Quotes / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Jun 15

The Wake Left by the Controller

Controllers aren’t always* aware that their actions leave lasting scars on those they are controlling. The controller is so focused on his desperate attempts at micromanaging his universe that he can’t see the destruction left in his wake.

The Controlled Wife

It’s a wonder she hasn’t been scooped up by Hollywood. Her efforts at applying makeup are Oscar-worthy. Because her husband appears to find joy in criticizing her appearance, her skillful makeup application has become an attempt at defending herself from further jabs. But, trying to please a husband who cannot be pleased is an exercise in futility.

Perhaps more importantly, her artistic way with cosmetics gives her a measure of control over her own existence. In this way, she has an area of her life that is free from his manipulations. It’s behind the safety of the locked bathroom door that she is finally able to breathe. She’s gotten fast with the application, so as to spare herself from his complaints about the amount of time she spends in the bathroom. The downfall of her obsession with cosmetics is that further anxiety is created by her need to hide any purchases from the controller. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool — 3 Comments
30
Mar 15

Keeping Our Heads Above Water

We are paddling like crazy and keeping our heads above water.

Barely.

We’ve been paddling through some expected stuff; and we’ve held our breath and maneuvered some unexpected stuff. The water has been pretty choppy lately.

To be fair, there have been some calm pools that allow us to float on our backs, feel the warmth of the sun, and catch our breath. The bitter and the sweet must be what they mean by balance?

When it comes to homeschool… ha! There are no better lessons than the ones that have been handed down lately. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Feb 15

When Your Dad is a Bully

Dear Experts in Childhood Development,

I am divorced from my children’s father. You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids. You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.

You also give me advice on how to handle bullies. I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior. You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is. You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.

My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.

I’m confused.

You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name. Isn’t that a contradiction? Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
5
Feb 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 10

Becoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.

It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection. Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.

She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority. Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority. Wouldn’t he? How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority? She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand. She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority? Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family? Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home? Will we parent as a team? Will you change diapers? Are you okay with breastfeeding? Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”

She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it. INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
31
Jan 15

You’ve Been Gaslighted

You’ve been gaslighted if you feel backed into a corner and told you are “too sensitive” for your own good.

If you second-guess your thoughts, re-read your sent email file and wonder if you ought to try to be kinder …

If the mere thought of seeing that person gives you an upset stomach …

If you normally sleep well, but lately you wake in the middle of the night to re-visit conversations, wondering how you could have been so misinterpreted … Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
26
Jan 15

On Eye Contact with a Narcissist

“I was watching your eye contact as you visited. That was weird. Your eyes were tearing up when he was talking to you, but it was a friendly conversation. What was that about?”

Jen wiped her eyes. “I can’t look at him without my eyes watering. It’s uncomfortable – not like I’m gonna cry, but more like my eyes hurt. So I pretend like I’ve got an eyelash in my eye and I keep rubbing them. It’s just really uncomfortable to keep my eyes on him for very long when he’s talking – or any time.”

I turned to Will, “What do you think?”

Will shook his head, “I feel the same way. It’s hard to look at him for long. Oh, and I feel myself getting anxious when I try to tell him something. Like I’m afraid he’ll criticize what I say, so I say it fast so I can get it over with, and then I sound like I’m slurring my words.”

I said, “Yeah, and then you open yourself up for more criticism.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
4
Dec 14

You Might be a Narcissist

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know your kids.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t seen them in their comfort zones, when they talk in silly voices and make each other laugh so hard they almost cry.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t noticed how they hold their arms close to their sides to guard themselves from your criticisms.

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know how you hurt them when you dismiss them.

She won’t dance in front of you because she knows you’ll make fun of her.

He hasn’t told you about his Instagram account because you’ll tell him how to take pictures.

You only see them when they are perfect reflections of you, but that’s not who they are.

They do have people in their lives who really see them for who they are, but that wouldn’t occur to you.

You don’t even know that you don’t know your kids.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him. He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving. How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving. I understand that you feel sorry for him. You’ve got the kindest heart. Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation. A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya? He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The Bartender — 13 Comments
11
Nov 14

How Much Do I Tell Them?

“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”

The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head. “That’s a tough one. It depends on the ages of your kids. It depends on how close they are to their mom. It depends on whether they have a support network besides you. It depends on a lot of things.” The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order. When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”

“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer? Is he all of 22?”

“That’s the one. I knew his folks. They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids. The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen. Not much he could do about it, really. She was good. But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves. Now look at the kid.”

“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

He entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room. She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control. When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top. It’s just a glass of wine. Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters. One brought up the weather. Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school. It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations. He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school. He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children. (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them. “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.” If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →