Posts Tagged: narcissist behavior

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
26
Apr 10

Transitive Property

Dang.  It’s hard to type through tears.  Happy tears, that is.

My notes are ready.  I’m drinking hot water instead of my usual coffee.  No point in making myself any more jittery.  I’m reminding myself to take deep breaths.  Mother nature cooperated by bringing us a big beautiful sunny sky.  I feel brave and strong and even a little excited.  Weird.

This feeling is reminiscent of the one and only time I ever jumped off the high board at swimming lessons.  I wanted to climb back down that ladder so damn bad.  I stood there forever, covered in goosebumps with my elbows pressed against my sides, and my hands tightly clasped under my little pointy chin.  I so wanted to show everybody that I was brave, but really I was scared shitless.  It took me forever to make the jump.  I could feel my stomach climbing to my throat.  I closed my eyes, counted to 10 (real slow) and jumped.

I didn’t die.  It was exhilarating, scary, and fun.  And it hurt.

I’ve never done it since.  But, at least I DID it.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
25
Apr 10

Dodging Bullets and Taking Notes

Whew!

We’ve been running around all weekend.  The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid the phone, to not think about Monday, to pretend that life is normal.  We are practicing the art of distraction.  Damn.  We are good at distractions.

Will walked over to me midday yesterday.  He was fidgety, blinking, pacing and unable to focus.  I took one look at him and I knew what was churning in his brain.  He and I are on the same frequency.  I turned my chair from the computer, to face him, and I didn’t say a word.  He looked at me with these huge, pleading brown eyes and said,  “Mom.  I’ve got to get out of here.  I can’t quit thinking about dad.  I’ve got to get myself busy.”  Just then Jenny chimed in with, “Mom.  If the phone rings, I’m not here.”

So we took off.  We’ve been going and coming and visiting and moving and avoiding.

I have to collect my thoughts by tomorrow.

Here’s what scares me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
21
Apr 10

Humpty Dumpty and Jack

I brought a fresh cup of coffee to my 8:30 counseling session with my blog today.  Seems life continues to hand me more fodder for ‘Surviving Narcissism’.  This is where I get to use expressions like, “The proof is in the pudding”, “It’s time to take the gloves off”, and (hopefully), “He never knew what hit him.”

I’m using ALL the narcissism tags for this post.

Mark didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the kids this last weekend.  Grandma and Grandpa returned from wintering in Arizona, and the kids needed some serious spoiling time.  So when Mark called Monday night, I wasn’t surprised to hear his characteristic what-about-me, martyr voice.  He said, “You have told me to make them a priority, and when I try to see them, they are too busy with your folks.  How am I supposed to fit into their schedule?”  I explained that they hadn’t seen grandma for four months, but that they would be available on Tuesday afternoon.

What I wanted to say was, “I asked you, 11 years ago, to make Will a priority.  That’s one helluva ‘To-Do List” you’ve got there.  You’re just now getting around to making them a priority?”

Three hours into Tuesday’s visit, I walked out to the front yard with my new spine-enhanced posture and said, “We need to cap these visits at three hours.  I don’t like being held hostage in my own house.”  He sarcastically said, “I would love to have these visits at my house.”  I reminded him that the visits at his house would be three hours in length (no over-nighters) and would include both kids at the same time.  He frickin’ asked me why the kids wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — Comments Off on The Picnic Table
17
Apr 10

The Picnic Table

picnic-tablea dream… Every so often, one of us would lose grip on our side of the table, and the legs would scrape against the sidewalk.  The scraping sound seemed to echo in this warm, starlit night.  It was close to midnight, and there wasn’t a hint of a breeze.  I found myself wishing for a wind that would muffle the sounds of our shuffling and scraping.  The three of us were carrying a large picnic table from house to house, sneaking into garages, trying to find a can of paint.

We were on a frantic mission to get this beat up old table painted.  And we were scared to death of getting caught.  I kept whispering encouragement.  Jenny was crying and pleading to go home.  Will’s eyes were doing that nervous tic/blinking thing, but he was not going to give up.  If I said we needed to paint this damn table, then he was going to help me get it done.

We’d drag our table into a garage and quickly scan the shelves for a can of paint.  My heart was racing, I was breathing hard, and I was terrified that we’d wake someone and get caught on our mission.  I kept looking at Will and Jenny, trying to gauge how much longer I’d be able to get them to help.  My panic was made worse by the fact that I knew I shouldn’t be forcing my kids to do this.  I knew that a good mom wouldn’t put her kids in such a precarious situation.  They were doing as I told them to do.  They were frightened and exhausted.

After we left the fourth garage, without a can of paint, I woke up.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
12
Apr 10

As The Narcissist’s World Turns

Dammit.  I don’t really want to write about this.  I so want to be done with all of this.  It is more of what I’ve already written.  It is more of what others have already written on the subject of narcissism.  But I have made a commitment to myself, and ultimately, to anyone who takes the time to read this blog – that person who, in the middle of the night, when sleep won’t come, desperately searches the internet in hopes of finding answers.  This is for those who still cling to the possibility that things could work out, that hope and goodness will prevail.

I have to write for them.

It started Sunday morning when the kids opened their in-boxes.   Mark wrote them each an email.  In Will’s email, he explained that I had indicated that Will would be calling.  Mark twisted things around, again, and made it sound like we were wanting the dust to settle, and would get in touch when we were ready.  He forgot the part about the kids expecting initiative and change on Mark’s part.  Mark’s email to Jen sounded like he was picking up where he’d left off, and that nothing had ever happened.

So…  the kids wrote emails saying they did not want to see him until he made it clear that he was ready to treat Jen like she’s seven years old, and that he demonstrates to Will that he is ready to make Jen and Will priorities.  The kids were pretty agitated that Mark would expect that he wouldn’t have to do anything, and that everyone would pick up where things had been left.

We’ve seen this too many times. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 8 Comments
6
Apr 10

Life Lessons and Lamb Poop

4-minutes-old“And that is another great example of how there are so many different ways to make a living.”  My grandfather used to say that.  He’d had his share of different careers – mechanic, draftsman, lumber yard manager and more that I can’t remember.  We’d be playing Yahtzee, visiting about someone we both knew, and he’d marvel at how the world was changing and people were finding new and interesting ways to make a living.

Today the kids and I got to see a way of life that hasn’t changed much.  A dear friend invited us to see what goes on during lambing.  It was 39 degrees with low gray clouds that  just started to release snow when we pulled up to the old barn.  There were sheep everywhere, and lambs anywhere from two minutes old to a couple days old.

I wasn’t sure how Jen and Will would take to the whole thing.  It was cold and muddy and smelly and wet.

They jumped right in.

They could hardly wait to scoop up these newborn lambs.  They got to bottle feed the bum lambs – the ones that are rejected by their moms.  It requires a thick skin to do this for a living – you can’t possibly save all the rejected lambs.  I thought we’d end up with a car full of new pets.  It can be cruel, but the process is so labor-intensive and exhausting, that it doesn’t leave much time for tears over the sickly ones. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Celebrate
5
Apr 10

Celebrate

Phyllis,

Congratulations on your Independence Day.

You are amazing!!!

sending hugs and bouquets …

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 29 Comments
5
Apr 10

When ‘Go To Hell’ Doesn’t Cut It

Will looked at me and said, “I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!”  Stupidly, I said, “What did you just say?”  Then his chubby little fingers handed me his juice pouch while his humongous brown eyes peered through his Harry Potter glasses, and he frustratedly said, “Mom!  I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!”

We were surrounded by little preschoolers, their adoring parents and the preschool teacher.  It was just a few days after a couple parents approached me about the possibility of my taking the position of President of our little parent-run preschool.  I grabbed Will’s juice pouch, muttered something under my breath while looking down so that none of them would notice that I was blushing,  poked the straw in the pouch, and was squirted with a steady stream of sugary apple juice – my payment for being a ‘bad’ mommy.

__________

I try to work on my language.  I think I’m making progress.  I never have been convinced that saying bad words is any kind of an indication of a character flaw.  However, with two little people that parrot everything I do and say, it behooves me to rein in on the language a bit.

While I do release the occasional f-bomb, I don’t direct it at others. Continue reading →

Moving On — 3 Comments
3
Apr 10

Survivor Encouragement or ‘You Go Girl’

Yesterday I received an email from Phyllis.  She’s facing a difficult weekend.  This would be a wonderful time to send a bunch of good words her way.  She is not yet divorced, but her husband has been living in a different town.  Today he is due to come by her house.  I can hear apprehension in her email.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you have read a bit about Phyllis.  She is an absolute dear, and a brave woman.  Her Independence Day is April 5th – the one year anniversary of leaving her narcissistic husband.  It has not been easy.  She has doubted her decision many times.

Phyllis has a marvelous sense of humor, so if mushy isn’t your thing, send her a funny quote or a joke.  If you’ve never commented before, this is a great time to do so.  Send some good words to Phyllis.  You’ll bolster her on this difficult journey, and you’ll see how sending kind words to someone else ends up making you feel better, too.

Phyllis has a son and a daughter who are a tremendous support for her.  But, this weekend she could use all the encouragement she can get.  Please think about sending a couple kind words to Phyllis, in the comment section below.

  Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
1
Apr 10

Pretending

cardboard-ipodThis is a picture of the cardboard iPod that Jenny made. She brought it skiing today. Her brother got one for Christmas, and she wants to be a ‘cool kid’, too, so she made her own. At lunch, in the lodge, she was playing with her ‘iPod’, and Will said, “Jen, some people are laughing at your iPod.” Jenny defiantly said, “So what!” I hope she’s able to maintain that attitude. Later, she asked if I wanted a pretend iPod. I wanted to say, “Nah.  No thanks, honey.   I’ve had a pretend boyfriend for almost 3 years.  I’m done pretending for awhile.

__________

Speaking of pretending…

The kids emailed their dad in response to his lengthy email.  Will’s email was about the way his feelings are hurt when his dad makes fun of the things he loves; when his dad doesn’t acknowledge Will’s interests; and how Mark’s always too busy with his business to have any time for them.  Jenny’s email brought up the fact that Mark says he’s going to try – try to be interested, try to use an adult voice, try to spend time with her – and he doesn’t come through.

I insisted on reading the emails before they hit the ‘send’ button.  I wasn’t concerned about grammar and spelling as much as I was concerned about… Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off on Homeschooling and Wasbands
30
Mar 10

Homeschooling and Wasbands

Do you remember the classic “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson that has the funky woman talking a blue streak to her dog, and it shows what the dog hears?  The dog only hears, “blah blah blah blah, Ginger.  blah blah blah blah, Ginger.” It’s 2:30 and I can’t sleep.  I got up to write and was greeted by a 1500 word email that was written by Mark.

__________

At the risk of further cementing my membership in the loosely knit  Association of Homeschooling Weirdos, I have to tell you what I most love about this homeschooling business.  There is nothing quite like being there when they first grasp a concept.  I get to be there when that light bulb goes off, and they understand what’s in front of them, and they are filled with pride and possibility.  It’s like the looks on their faces when they learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike.  It’s something I don’t want to miss.

A few weeks ago, I was helping Will with fractions.  I love math.  I love the fluidity and fuzzy boundaries of dealing with people and relationships.  But when I’m in over my head with that relationship crap, I like to turn to something certain, like math.  Even Will says he likes math because, “There’s one right answer.”  Sometimes it’s nice to know there is ONE right answer.  So we were adding different fractions with different denominators and I was explaining that you have to “get the fractions speaking in the same language – in the same denominator.”  I have a decent understanding of what their learning styles are, and what approaches work best for helping them learn.  But, I was having a bit of a struggle with the fractions.  I put my pencil down, walked out into the living room to take a deep breath, and figure out a new approach, and I came back with a new angle.  Suddenly the light bulb went off, and he whizzed through the rest of the exercise.  It was fun for both of us.  We found a common language, and it was a thing of beauty.

NEWS FLASH:  There is NO common language with a narcissist. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 11 Comments
29
Mar 10

Lizard Brain Be Damned!

Last week when we were struggling, Pat sent me some timely reminders, which points to the fact that this blog is becoming a communal effort.  I hope others are benefiting as much as the three of us.

The first is actually from a link on my site.

…do not expect them (narcissists) to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings…

I don’t think I’ve written a single post that demonstrates Mark’s interest in the kids.  It’s pretty clear that he expects them to be a source for his narcissism, and so he’ll feign interest to secure that source.  But that interest isn’t genuine, and is subject to withdrawal should the kids fail to meet his standards or stop providing the consistent source that he needs.  At one point, when I was still trying to facilitate the kids’ relationship with Mark, he reminded me that, “He just doesn’t like to be around people that don’t like him.”  None of us is comfortable hanging where we feel we aren’t liked.  He just requires a greater deal of liking than the rest of us.  He requires that we like him above all other things.  And he won’t stick around unless he feels he’s liked more than anything else.

Incidentally, the kids haven’t heard from Mark since the fabulous skiing episode.  Apparently they didn’t like him enough after that adventure.  And as I write this, they are both putzing around the house singing, “Busy Being Fabulous“, by the Eagles.  I don’t make this stuff up.  I swear. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
27
Mar 10

Due To Lack of Interest

“Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been canceled.”  My mom had a cartoon, with that caption, pinned to the bulletin board in the kitchen.  I was old enough to read, and I’d look at that and I thought it was real.  I really thought that if we weren’t interested in anything, the world would end.  My mom was interested in her job, and keeping the house together.  I was interested in Barbies and having tea parties.  My brother was interested in Hot Wheels and shooting gophers.  I guess I figured we were doing our parts.  But that damn cartoon kept me up a lot of nights.  Could tomorrow really be canceled?  How do we keep that from happening?  Maybe that’s why I’m interested (some might call me nosey) in other people and their lives.  I’m hoping that if I’m interested enough, tomorrow won’t be canceled.

After a fabulous day in the sunshine, skiing with two amazing people who picked me to be their mom, I came to a conclusion.  We are beyond absolutely fine.  We thrive on not having to deal with Mark.  In fact, we flourish.

This is where I am, right at this moment:

“Due to lack of interest*, tomorrow** has been canceled.”

* Mark’s lack of interest in Jenny and Will Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me — 14 Comments
25
Mar 10

Another One Last Try

“Jenny will not go skiing with you tomorrow unless you promise to not talk to her in the baby voice.  She asked me to call you and she needs you to promise.  Can you do that for her?”

Tuesday afternoon found Mark over for another visit.  The weather was nice.  They threw the football and played on the swings at the park.  They seemed to enjoy each other.  Mark and Will came in the house to ask if it would be okay for the kids to go skiing with their dad on Wednesday.  I knew I was staring at a potential disaster, but until the kids could tell me that they didn’t want to go, I wasn’t going to stand in the way.  My only comment was that Mark would have to ski the gentler runs all day because of Jen’s ability.  He said, “Well I haven’t been able to ski with my little girl all year, and I really want to see how she’s doing.”  Of course that sounded like he’s been wanting to ski with her, but really the three of us know that he hasn’t skied with her because he prefers the more challenging stuff.

Jenny still remembers the one time we saw him up there this year.  He asked if he could ski a run with us because he wanted to see how Jen was progressing.  She got very excited.  We got off the chair lift, waited for Mark, she made three turns and he yelled, “Good job, Honey.  Don’t forget to lead with your toe.  I’ll catch ya later.”  And he found a cut off that led to a black diamond run.  Jen asked me where he went.  I was stuck telling her that he chose to go down a different run.

Just this week I read a post on Kelly Diels‘ blog about how you can’t teach people how to treat you.  I never have had any luck with that.  But when it comes to my kids, I have to do something.  And since I can’t tie their dad up, and drag him behind my car down the nearest county road, I thought I’d try teaching him.  One more time.

So I made the call, explained that Jen didn’t want to go skiing, but that if he could promise to talk to her like the grown up little girl that she is, she would reconsider.  And he said, “Well, she’s my little girl and I love her.” Okay.  I know that.  I gave him some more time to think about it.  He didn’t offer anything, so I said, “Do you think you can put aside the baby voice tomorrow?”  He hesitated and said he would try. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
25
Mar 10

Proof That I’m Not a Narcissist

I’ve been trying to find an emoticon that equals “heavy sigh”.  Yesterday was a wicked day for Will and Jenny.  After some serious triage; administering Cheetos and fudge bars and a large dose of junk TV; I tucked them in their beds.  I will be spending the day focusing on repairing the damage to their egos and reminding them that life is also very funny even when it pisses you off.

However, I must tell you that I do have further proof that I AM NOT a narcissist.  I just got out of the shower and accidentally caught a full glimpse of my naked back side.  Trust me.  I would not do that on purpose.  And this flash went through my head, “That must be what my grandpa saw when my grandma got out of the shower.”  And immediately I was filled with love, sympathy and compassion for my grandpa.  That’s real empathy.  A narcissist can’t do that.

I am going to tend to my bruised children now.  And I’m going to squeeze in 37 walks up the hill at the park, in an effort to erase that vision of my grandma’s back side.  Is it too early for a shot?

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