narcissistic behavior « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

On Telling the Narcissist No

The family had split into separate canoes some time ago. Initially, the paddling was difficult. The water was choppy and the canoe carrying the mother and the two children took on water more times than not. The father was in a canoe by himself. He didn’t seem to mind the rough waters. Truth be told, he seemed to prefer making waves and watching the other three struggle to keep their canoe afloat.

In time, the three found their rhythm. They paddled in sync and enjoyed the view. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but they became adept at riding out the storms. They’d hunker down, breathe through the rapids, remember not to hang on too tightly (because that makes the ride more tense), and make each other laugh.

More recently, when his canoe approached, he’d be paddling more gently. She dared to believe that he might not want to rock their boat anymore. A couple sunny days found the canoes gliding side by side as the four exchanged stories of golf, fishing, and fairy gardens.

One afternoon, both canoes were beached as the four discussed a possible journey to be taken by the father and the two children. The mother was included, and they all smiled through the conversation. The talking was easy. Each opinion was heard. The children were asked to think about the proposed adventure and let the father know, the next day, if they planned to go with him. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Random Observations / Spirit Guides — 6 Comments
11
Jun 14

The Golden Rule in a Narcissistic Culture

“Margaret, do you think today’s narcissistic culture has lost sight of the Golden Rule?”

Margaret wiped her hands on her pressed apron. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, dear? Please explain.”

Gladys hopped down from her perch on a headstone and dusted off the back of her skirt. “Well, the original meaning of the Golden Rule had something to do with empathizing with our neighbor. We were encouraged to walk in their shoes, so to speak, and treat them with consideration. In today’s culture, it appears that the original meaning has been tailored a bit. Now it’s more like, ‘Be nice to your neighbor, as long as they are like you, and treat them the way you’d like to be treated, with no regard to how they want to be treated.'”

“Perhaps an example would help me understand? I’m not sure I see what you mean.”

“I’ll try. As it is now, they judge their neighbor based on how they dress, their car, their house and the school their kids go to. If they have those things in common, then they’ll decide it’s safe to be considerate. At the point of deciding their neighbor is worth approaching, they’ll bring the neighbor their favorite pie, regardless of whether their neighbor likes pie.” Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
May 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 8

She hadn’t heard the ticking of a biological clock. She didn’t have one.

She rarely babysat as a kid. She never craved holding a newborn. She didn’t know what to do around kids. When she married at 33, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be starting a family. That was fine with her.* He had adult children from a previous marriage, so he wasn’t pushing to start a second family. She has no recollection of discussing babies with him. Perhaps they both assumed that wasn’t on the table.

__________

As she looks back, she wonders if – in lieu of a ticking biological clock – what she heard were faint echos coming from a deep cavern. “Helloooo up there. Is this all there is? Is this the amount of love you might ever expect to receive?” And quieter still, the softest whisper that said, “Can you expect to survive on so little human contact or connection?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting — 9 Comments
23
Apr 14

On Narcissism and Negativity

“What did dad want?”

I put the cell down and said, “Well, he wants to come by here and pick up some of Will’s sketches. He wants to make copies of them.”

Silence….

“Jen, are you okay?”

“Sure. I’m fine,” spoken like a mini-me.

“Jen, it would make sense to get your feelings hurt when your dad comes over here, plucks some of Will’s sketches off the kitchen wall – that hang right next to your sketches – without his asking to take any of your work. That would hurt feelings. You can admit that.”

“I know.”

A couple hours later…

“Guys! I don’t know what to do here. I have been working on avoiding anything negative. I try to banish negative self-talk and avoid negative conversations. I’m trying to make progress here. I don’t want a cloud hanging over this happy sanctuary that is our home.

Jen, you are the most positive person I know. Will, you don’t have a negative bone in your body. But how do I handle it when something like this happens with your dad? How do I avoid any discussion about this?

If I let it slide by without acknowledging the potential for hurt feelings, it appears that I’m fine with his actions. And that’s definitely not the case.

If I bring it to light, then I can’t do so without dipping into the negative.

What would you do?”

Will looks up from his work, “Well, we have to talk about it so that Jen knows that we don’t agree with how he treats her. It sucks, and it’s not right.”

Jen comes out from the kitchen, “We have to talk about it so that we don’t end up being crappy parents with our own kids. We have to know what to avoid, but we don’t have to dwell on it. We can just talk about it and move on and not let the negative take over.”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Mar 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 7

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She’d grown accustomed to being invisible. Invisibility was normal. She learned that in childhood. In her marriage, she was invisible to her partner, so she thought that was normal, too.

The INFJ

Most INFJs enjoy being invisible. INFJs are comfortable staying in the background. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
27
Feb 14

Steering Clear

“Do I have to?”

“Honey, two runs a couple times a ski season, and that’s it. It won’t kill ya, and it’s way better than a whole ski day with him.”

She buckles her boots and sighs, “I know.”

“I’ll be waiting for you at the bottom of the lift.” I can see she’s nervous. I can see her eyes are already losing their sparkle. She’s dreading these two runs with every fiber of her being. Normally she gets herself ready, but now she’s stalling. As I wrap the fleece scarf around her face and neck I remind her that it doesn’t matter what he says, “You are an awesome skier. Just ignore his words.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / Words Got Her Home — Comments Off
22
Jan 14

Fanfare is for Narcissists

Fanfare is for narcissists.

That’s why – without all the folderol – I’m telling you that my books are available for free on Smashwords.com. Visit my page on their site and click through to enter the codes*.

Seeing My Path is a series of conversations I have with myself over a few road trips to a plateau outside the town where I live in Montana. Sometimes humorous and often self-deprecating, the conversations are an assessment of some of the crappy choices I’ve made. The convo progresses to the wake-up call that sends me in a new healthy direction. I’m still heading in that direction today. (Thankfully.)

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code LU97P for Seeing My Path.

Words Got Her Home is a compilation of quotes and pictures that motivated me to get off the old path and stay on this new one. It’s a quick read that I still refer to on some of my “down” days.

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code RN36H for Words Got Her Home.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, I think you’ll enjoy the books.

I’ve been on this path for awhile. I’ve learned a lot about narcissism – enough to help myself and my kids learn to live a thriving life even while still dealing with narcissism.

It’s my goal to help others dealing with narcissism – especially kids.

The codes will be effective until February 22.

Please.

Get the books.

I hope they shed some light and encourage you on your path.

Thank you for being here.

*You can either visit smashwords.com and search for Jesse Blayne, or click on my page.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
20
Jan 14

“What About Jen?”

“Will, you’re blinking a lot. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Is it about the trip?”

“No. Yeah. I dunno… I guess.”

I put down my mug and said, “Tell me.” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
17
Jan 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 6

She doesn’t know how it feels to marry the right person. She does know how it feels to want to vomit right after saying the words, “I do.”

She knows how it feels to keep herself busy so as not to have time to wrap her brain around the idea that she’d made a mistake – maybe the biggest mistake ever.

She knows how it is to feel claustrophobic sitting in the car next to her husband as they drove to the west coast to hike on their honeymoon. As each mile brought them closer to the Olympic Peninsula, her palms felt clammier. She desperately needed to stop the car. She couldn’t breathe sitting next to him. Was this what it was like to have a panic attack? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 5 Comments
3
Jan 14

You Are Wonderful, but …

You are wonderful!

You are kind and talented and smart and courageous and funny and caring.

You may even be gorgeous with a sense of style that magazines try to capture.

You might have worked long enough to get that hard body that some women crave. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
16
Dec 13

If You Can’t Say Something Nice, You Might be a Narcissist

We’d gone into the lodge to make sure she wasn’t getting frostbite. She made faces at me while I rubbed her tender cheeks to get the circulation back. “Honey, keep gently rubbing your cheeks. The white spot will go away as you warm up.” She patted her face and said, “Remember when dad was at the house the other day and he looked at my mermaids?”

“Yeah. That was Thursday.”

“Well, I forgot to tell you what he said.”

“About the mermaids?”

“No, about the mermaids, he just nodded his head and said, ‘I like them. You did a good job.’ But he said something else, too.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts — Comments Off
11
Dec 13

A Letter to the Children of Narcissists – from Santa

Ho Ho Ho!

It’s been a crazy year, hasn’t it? And you have been SO good. More than that, my friend, you ARE good. Every part of you is good, from your deeds, to your thoughts, to your disagreements with your sister, to your spilled glasses of milk.

Yes! It’s true. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ve been told, you are GOOD.

It’s hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you get a look or a feeling from your dad or mom that leaves you thinking that you aren’t measuring up. Well NOTHING could be further from the truth. See, when they give you that look, they are frustrated with who they are. That’s right! They are mad at themselves. I know it sounds weird. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it doesn’t make sense that this big powerful adult is taking their frustrations out on you, but that’s what they do. They can’t help it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. You already know that I have two lists – the Naughty List and the Nice List. You’ve probably been worried that your name is on the Naughty List. Well, your name is on the Nice List – of course it is, Silly! I promise. My Naughty List contains all the names of the narcissistic parents. Continue reading →

Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
25
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 4

The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.

He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.

Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.

Continue reading →

Control / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →