NPD « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: NPD

The Narcissistic Drive

Guest Post by Zaira

When you turn down an unfamiliar road, it is uneasy. The curves and blind spots in the valleys are unsettling, but after a few whips and whirls, you start to feel the road. The car feels grounded and secure. You speed up a little and start to think this crazy road is manageable. Then you come over a hill that you hope will be the last and there is a stop sign. Screeching to a halt, you have lost all sense of security that existed. You want to turn and get off that road now, but the new direction is scarier than mistrusting the road you are on. Besides, that turn may leave you on a dirt road, in bad weather, and prolong the agony of the journey as either way is uncertain.

“I went down to the crossroad
fell down on my knees
Asked the lord above “Have mercy now
save poor Bob if you please”
Yeeooo, standin at the crossroad
tried to flag a ride
ooo ooo eee”

Cruising along thinking my road was not so bad, getting a little better, perhaps. Sure there were hills and valleys, but I have hit the stop sign. I swerved and hit the damn sign! I am caught off guard. My security is halted. My confidence cracked. Fear of the unknown has left me unable to back up, redirect, and make a choice on direction. I have my thumb out…

“I tried to flag a ride
Didn’t nobody seem to know me babe
everybody pass me by
Standin at the crossroad baby
risin sun goin down
Standin at the crossroad baby
eee eee eee, risin sun goin down
I believe to my soul now,
Poor Bob is sinkin down”

People are stopping. Checking out my ride. Shaking their heads. But no one can tell me what to do, which way to go. My heart is pounding…

“You can run, you can run
tell my friend Willie Brown
(th)’at I got the crossroad blues this mornin Lord
babe, I’m sinkin down”

That hill was steep! You need to slow down! You have time. Pay attention and stay calm. It will be ok. It’s a long road, but you will get there.

“And I went to the crossroad momma
I looked east and west
I went to the crossroad baby
I looked east and west
Lord, I didn’t have no sweet woman
ooh-well babe, in my distress”

Robert Johnson- CrossRoads

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
10
Oct 13

When the Narcissist Sees His Own Flaws in His Children

“Underlying all of the constant campaigning needed to uphold this position is a profound vulnerability that lies at the very core of his psyche. Such is the narcissist who must mask his fears of inadequacy by ensuring that he is perceived to be a unique and brilliant stone. In his offspring he finds the grave limits he cannot admit in himself. And he will stop at nothing to make certain that his child continually tries to correct these flaws. In actuality, the child may be exceedingly intelligent, but has so fully developed feelings of ineptitude that he is incapable of believing in his own possibilities.”

– Joshua Braff, The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green

Child of Narcissist / Narcissist Quotes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
24
Sep 13

The Kindness of a Narcissistic Dad

“I know… you think waders would make fishing that much better, but we’ve both heard the stories of them filling with water. I don’t want you to end up bobbing down the river with your head under water. You need to do some research. Let’s learn a bit more and figure out which waders to stay away from. You can make that part of school today.”

“So mom, here’s a guy who says that he can walk in the river better when he takes in a little water. He says it makes it easier to maneuver.”

“Nice. And how many years has he been fishing? Hey, did you get the other stuff on your list done before Googling fishing waders?”

“Mo…..om. I’m done with the other stuff. Here’s a guy who has a pair that has drainage holes and some draw strings around the neck and waist.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Stories — 8 Comments
20
Sep 13

“She’s a Tough Cookie”

“Your coffee’s always better than mine.”

“That’s cuz you had someone else make it for you. Here… have a little more.” She fills both mugs and reaches for the half and half.

“Thanks, Ann. Look, she’s up on the roof. Is she cleaning her chimney?”

“Yep. This morning she was up there cleaning her gutters and trimming tree branches.”

“Why doesn’t she hire that stuff done?” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
5
Sep 13

They Need to Talk

“Jon, dear, please remove your fingers from your ears. How will you break your fall if you should crash that board you insist on riding?”

He streaks by with an annoyed look on his face. He doesn’t hear Margaret. He’s trying not to hear anything. Tuning them out is not possible. That’s all they do. They talk and blather on and they never stop to listen. He makes another pass and stops in front of Gladys, “If I hadn’t lost my ear buds, I wouldn’t have to plug my ears. Have you seen my buds anywhere?”

Gladys exhales a long puff of cigarette smoke, looks at Jon and says, “What are buds?”

“Speakers. Ear buds are little speakers that fit in your ears. I plug ’em into my iPod and listen to music. You know, music? I lost my buds.”

“You mean that white cording draped over that marker back there? Are those the ear buds you speak of?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Aug 13

Get Some Help

Get some help.

Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.

I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.

By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
20
Aug 13

Only If You Dare

Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.

Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”

You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Jul 13

You’ll Get There

One day you’ll be sitting at your computer and you’ll open your inbox.

You’ll see your ex-husband’s name and you’ll think, “Crap!”

You’ll take a sip of coffee and think to yourself, “Geez, this day started out so well. It’s not too hot out this morning. The coffee’s excellent. The kids are still sleeping and I have a bit of time to gather myself for the day. And then this – an email from him.”

“Damn.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 4 Comments
17
Jul 13

A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet

The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.

(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)

I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.

Here’s the version that has helped me.

1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Stories — 4 Comments
8
Jul 13

When The Narcissist Leaves

I’d only seen her a handful of times since college. She would come into town from the ranch and once in awhile our paths would cross. My kids were younger than hers. Her kids were stretching out in that teenage growth spurt phase. I never seemed to recognize them.

We’d compare notes on kids and life. Her life was foreign to me – ranch wife raising two kids while teaching in a one-room school and helping her husband as much as time would allow.

She had that outdoors look – lots of sun and wind and the way the elements make creases in places she didn’t like, but ways I envied.

One of the last times I saw her, the creases appeared deeper. Her eyes had lost their sparkle. She was beyond tired. I assumed she was exhausted from keeping up with teenagers, school work, ranch life and marriage.

She didn’t have time to chat. I didn’t ask any questions. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
21
Jun 13

Huh?

This morning I saw a tweet that linked to an article about a guy who said he has felt like an ATM machine ever since his divorce.

I didn’t read the article.

I feel for the guy.

For a nanosecond I wondered if Mark felt the same way. There’s no need for me to wonder since he has told us plenty of times – actually lectured in the way a nun might do just before she slaps the back of your hand with a ruler – that the only reason we get in touch with him is because we need something.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homekeeping / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
4
Jun 13

Narcissists in Glass Houses

There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else. This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses. You can’t throw a stone and break this glass. This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.

You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it. You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.

You can hear the narcissist and his word salads. You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.

You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better. When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.

He won’t be watching. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

“And that’s why I hate my dad…” is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home. I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space. I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way. But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is. I can talk about NPD. I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder. But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations — 18 Comments
23
May 13

Beware of Nice Narcissists

Nice feels good. Nice looks good.

Nice smooths rough edges, makes conversations less awkward, and hides ugliness.

There’s a plaque above my cupboard that says, Because Nice Matters. Another sign at the front door reads, Be nice or go away.

For a long time, I firmly believed that the world would be better off if we would all be a little nicer. What if we always made casseroles and brought them to those recuperating from surgery? What if we remembered birthdays and sent cards? What if we gave up our seat on the bus and held the door and remembered to shut our mouths when we couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

Continue reading →