Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

Safety Versus Money

In hind sight, the choice was a no-brainer. Of course any sane person would choose safety over money. But, dammit, one more hit from the narcissist and I was starting to lose my sanity.

We’d given him official notice that we were moving – six weeks in advance of the move date. Prior to our little family meeting where we delivered the news, he had expressed his suspicions – to the kids – about a pending move. He wasn’t surprised.

I was the one who was surprised.

The week before our move, in an uncharacteristic one-line email, he informed me that he was lessening his financial support of the kids. I could almost hear him saying, “Take that for moving. Take that for taking my source. Take that for going on to live a happy life without me.”

I did not reply to his email. I have not spoken to him or written to him since before we moved. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
14
Jul 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
3
Jul 15

Under the Rug

She grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. Her mom grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. It was what they did. Their hurts, disappointments, frustrations and expectations all went under the rug.

In the beginning, only the big stuff made it under the rug – the aunt’s DUI, the brother’s marital transgressions, the grandfather’s financial mess. (There were some things under the rug that are too big to mention here – like the time her husband back-handed her.) But, as time went on, she found it easier to sweep even the little things under the rug. Disappointments fit under there nicely, thereby preventing an inevitable argument if she dared to mention those disappointments.

When the kids were younger, it wasn’t an issue. They didn’t notice her lifting the corner of the rug several times a week, and if they did, they thought it was normal. The difficulty came when the kids got old enough to notice. They couldn’t help but trip over the heap under the rug. They’d hear dad’s harsh words, see mom grab the broom, and they just knew she’d reach for the corner of the rug.

Recently she’d come home with a new, much larger rug to accommodate the pile. She moved the old rug to her daughter’s room. The colors in the rug worked well with the colors in her daughter’s duvet. That’s how she would justify the purchase of the larger rug.

She never took the time to explain to the kids why she hid things. Better to leave it alone than open up that can of worms and have to deal with all the issues heaped under the rug. The kids got to the point where they pretended not to notice. They’d look the other way when mom reached for the broom. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Kids are People / Parenting — 3 Comments
4
Jun 15

School’s Out!

School’s out for summer! The bell rang at 10:48 this morning.

Will and I discussed the last of his papers, and that marked the end for him. Jen finished last Wednesday after getting an A on her math final.

And so we are done for another year.

Whew!

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Feb 15

When Your Dad is a Bully

Dear Experts in Childhood Development,

I am divorced from my children’s father. You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids. You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.

You also give me advice on how to handle bullies. I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior. You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is. You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.

My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.

I’m confused.

You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name. Isn’t that a contradiction? Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
5
Feb 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 10

Becoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.

It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection. Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.

She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority. Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority. Wouldn’t he? How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority? She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand. She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority? Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family? Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home? Will we parent as a team? Will you change diapers? Are you okay with breastfeeding? Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”

She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it. INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 2 Comments
12
Jan 15

How To Start Your Homeschool Morning Peacefully

“How’d you sleep?” I set my coffee down to get up and start her chocolate milk.

“Good. How ’bout you?” She curls up in her corner of the couch and Nina saunters over to take her share of the blanket.

I start heating the milk and then walk into the living room. “Any dreams?”

“No. You?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell ya when Will’s up.” At this point, I walk back into the kitchen. She’s an introvert like I am. I know she needs quiet and time to ease in in the morning. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him. He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving. How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving. I understand that you feel sorry for him. You’ve got the kindest heart. Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation. A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya? He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The Bartender — 13 Comments
11
Nov 14

How Much Do I Tell Them?

“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”

The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head. “That’s a tough one. It depends on the ages of your kids. It depends on how close they are to their mom. It depends on whether they have a support network besides you. It depends on a lot of things.” The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order. When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”

“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer? Is he all of 22?”

“That’s the one. I knew his folks. They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids. The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen. Not much he could do about it, really. She was good. But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves. Now look at the kid.”

“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 8 Comments
30
Oct 14

On Being the Teenage Son of a Narcissistic Father

His eyes roll as his hand makes the universal symbol for “one who talks too much.” He paces the floor and occasionally says, “Uh huh.”

My teenage son is on the phone with his narcissistic father.

He will listen anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes. He’ll hear about his dad’s work issues, car issues, and plans for skiing and fishing trips. He’ll learn of his dad’s ailments, frustrations, and current obsessions. He’ll discover what his dad watches on TV, what his dad is reading, and whether he has mastered his new cell phone.

The son will be asked if his ski gear still fits. He’ll be told that his father has been shopping for him. The son will cringe and give me a look that says, “Here we go again.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

Guest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
7
Oct 14

Do As I Say

Do as I say, not as I do.

I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone. If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship. If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.

They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Sep 14

“Put the Pedal to the Plastic!”

“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”

“Huh?”

“Put the pedal to the plastic. Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic. Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel. Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.

“Thanks for clarifying. I think.”

And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom! Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 12 Comments
17
Aug 14

On Soft Landings and a Rare Night Out

“So what if I kept the conversation going on your projects? I’ll ask the questions and then maybe dad will join in. What do you think?”

We were taking a long walk through the neighborhood, trying to come up with a plan to suit both kids for the next day’s dad visit. As we walked, we watched charcoal storm clouds build south of town.

That should have been my first clue.

Jen said, “I know how that will go. I’ll answer you and start talking about a project, and he’ll quit listening, like he always does.”

Jen walked to the edge of the street when she saw a car coming. Will had to be made aware of the car. (That pretty much sums up my experiences parenting a boy and a girl.) Continue reading →