Posts Tagged: proactive
20
Jan 11
A Twist on a Classic
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.
Author Unknown
16
Jan 11
Cowboy Up
His Wranglers and Tony Lamas were broken in to that soft, but not too-distressed phase. He walked with a purpose – chest puffed out, arms swinging, head held high.
Even though it was only 4 degrees outside, he didn’t bother with zipping his ranch coat. There was no need for gloves.
He strutted back and forth in front of my vehicle. He was confident and independent.
10
Jan 11
There Are No Shortcuts
*A lesson that bears repeating.*
I’m doing it again. I’m stuffing big logs and wads of paper into the wood stove hoping to keep it burning, even though I know the fire burns better with smaller, split wood. I’ll walk by in another couple minutes, angrily point a finger at the stove, and tell it, “Keep burning, dammit.”
Then I’ll run out of paper, and have to scrounge around the house looking for scratch paper, junk mail, and anything else remotely combustible.
Invariably, I’ll stand in front of the wood stove with my hands on my hips, ask the cat why she isn’t doing her part to keep the fire fed, and frustratedly open the door to the stove and poke at the smoldering logs.
All of this is because I’m lazy.
I’m too lazy to chop the firewood into smaller pieces that burn better. Truth be told, Will does all the chopping, and I don’t want to worry or hover or stand out there keeping an eye on him with my finger on speed dial, ready to call 911. I don’t want to make a bunch of trips hauling arm loads of smaller chunks of firewood. Continue reading →
31
Dec 10
A Fond Farewell to 2010
You might be thinking that I’m counting down the minutes until 2010 comes to a close. You might be thinking that I am running in the direction of 2011.
I could let the screen door hit 2010 in the butt, on its way out.
I could give it a swift kick for good measure.
This last year was full of tears, and 2 x 4s to the head, and dashed hopes as well as triumphs and lessons learned. We experienced real, tangible, sustainable growth.
We worked hard. Continue reading →
29
Dec 10
The Strength of Criticism
The strength of criticism lies only in
the weakness of the thing criticized. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
the weakness of the thing criticized. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
This brings to mind another favorite quote on Power.
*Both quotes remind me to check the mirror and make sure that I’m standing straight and tall.
27
Dec 10
On Breathing Easier and the Battle Ax in the Middle of the Night
At 2:00 a.m., those voices in my head can be pretty loud.
I don’t know who let the battle ax into my bedroom. She was holding a cast iron skillet. I don’t know if the skillet is her trademark, or if she was planning on hitting me with it. Her hair held spongy pink rollers. Over her mom-jeans, she wore a food-stained apron in a cherry print that barely stretched over her ample hips.
I’m sure her middle name is Guilt. Her last name is Doubt. First name is Jesse.
She barked at me for taking my kids out of public school. She lectured me for wanting so damn much out of a relationship. She snarled at me about my choices and the direction I’m heading.
With one hand on her hip, she started her relentless pestering. “Everyone else seems content to be in a so-so relationship. Why do you think you deserve to be any happier than anyone else? Hello, Missy, this is happy. Look around you. Everyone is coupled up, and they go about their business just fine. How much time do they spend worrying about being happy?” Continue reading →
9
Dec 10
Some Days Are Like That
I make a damn good cup of coffee. I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg. Nobody cleans a cat box like I do. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes. I even find all the socks, almost every time.
And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.
When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.
I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read. The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.
I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →
25
Nov 10
Thanks
Thank you.
Altah Amy Andrea Angel Annie BB Bruce Catherine Caitlin Chris Craig Debbie Dee Di Diane Donna Doreen E.R.M. Firing On All Syllables Flora Heather Holly Janet Jessica Jo Josh Judy Kate Kath Katherine Lavica
LaVonne Leah Linda Lisa Lucy Mia Mike M. J. Mojo Girl Mom Pat Peg Pete Phyllis Ralph Rebecca Reese Sandra Sandy Sarah Siddhartha Sue Susan B. Susan Q. T. Tina
This is the list of the folks who left comments on Surviving Narcissism. These comments helped the three of us get to where we are today.
Thank you.
If your name isn’t on this list and you read this blog, thank you, too.
Love,
Jesse
21
Nov 10
Gaslighting
As I was sitting down to write a new post, I discovered this article by Lisa E. Scott on her site, vainencounters.com:
The “Crazy-Making” Behavior of a Narcissist.
I identified with everything in Lisa’s article. She also mentions the term, gaslight. I had to Google some more. I had heard the term, but never paid attention. I didn’t know it applied to me.
I found this article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.:
What is Gaslighting?
__________
I had today’s post composed in my head before I had discovered the gaslighting stuff. I even had the appropriate pictures selected. I was ready to hit publish. The post was about how I’m tempted to believe that Mark is changing. I was going to write that I’ve been thinking I really managed to get through to him. I was even wondering if Narcissists are capable of seeing who and what they are, and that their behaviors have a detrimental effect on their families.
You’d think I’d know better by now.
Last night he came over to discuss Christmas gift ideas with the kids.
He left and Jenny broke into tears.
I was present for all the conversations. I heard the veiled put downs, and the not-so-subtle dismissals of the dolls Jenny wants, and the ski pants Will wants. I heard his jovial-sounding sarcastic jabs. In his sing-song voice he said, “Well Honey Bear, I thought you wanted a baby doll carriage. You mean you still like Barbies, too? You still like babies and Barbies?”
“So Will, do you think these ski pants would be cool enough for you?”
These are pokes and prods. These are smarmy little attempts at sounding like an interested dad, but really they show how little he knows them, and how little he cares.
This morning’s discovery of gaslighting was another whisper from the Universe. This time she said, “Hon, don’t be fooled. Don’t believe, for one second, that a Narcissist is capable of changing. It will never be about the kids. It will always be about him. Check out this post on gaslighting. It applies to you, Sweetie, and your kids, too.”
At least she’s still whispering. I half expect her to come at me next time with a 2 x 4.
18
Nov 10
Mom, It’s Like This…
“You know when you’re standing in line at the grocery store and the customer in front of you is talking to the cashier? You know how the cashier sort of smiles, keeps working, and tries to answer the customer’s question, but really they just want to get through with that customer, and get on to the next, and be done working for the day?
You know how the cashier seems like she doesn’t really care about what the customer is talking about?
That’s what it’s like when I’m talking to dad.”
16
Nov 10
A Day Off
I’m contemplating treating myself to a day at the spa.
Not really.
But seriously… can it be that a celebration is in order?
Nah… I never feel right spoiling myself.
I’m always doing the pampering, not receiving the pampering.
Maybe that ought to change, too.
14
Nov 10
Can It Be?
They hadn’t seen him in three weeks. On Friday night, they spent over five hours with him. When they walked in the door, at the end of the night, I did a quick scan to check for rapid blinking, slumped shoulders, nervous pacing or shell-shocked expressions.
Nothing.
Will and Jen spoke animatedly about the event they attended. They talked of what they’d had for dinner and the stories shared. They spoke of the folks they saw.
They didn’t mention the baby voice, or the martyr tone. There was nothing about being overly embarrassed – other than the typical ways that all parents embarrass their kids. Nothing about hurt feelings, or insults, or critiques about hair, dress or table manners.
__________ Continue reading →
7
Nov 10
My Kind of Calm
Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.
Michael Caine
Michael Caine
1
Nov 10
What Did You Do?
It’s November 1st. The bathroom has yet to be painted. The pumpkin vines are snaking through the dead tomato plants. The leaves are piled against the west fence. I have managed to put the Halloween decorations up on the shelf in the garage, but the Thanksgiving decorations are piled on a chair next to the dining room table, waiting for me to decide where to display them.
I have a tendency (you probably have that same tendency) to beat myself up for what I didn’t get done, instead of reveling in the things that I accomplished.
There were plenty of things on the list for 2010.
Many were crossed off.
The book isn’t done. Continue reading →
30
Oct 10
I Am A Minimalist Parent
At this moment, Jenny is entranced by the Tim Burton version of Alice In Wonderland. Will finished making a batch of pancakes and is downloading skateboarding videos. Later, they’ll make a birthday card for their cousin, ride their bikes on this glorious Fall day, and go to a bowling birthday party.
I’m not rushing around taking them to soccer practice, a Boy Scout meeting, a dance recital or karate lessons.
I take a minimalist’s approach to parenting by not jamming their schedules with lessons and practices.
I take issue with kids having schedules.
I could over-schedule them and decide what they should pursue to try to pave the way for an enriched future full of interests. Continue reading →
