The INFJ and the Narcissist

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 14

If you’ve read this far, and you aren’t an INFJ ….

Let’s be real. The only reason you’d read this if you aren’t an INFJ is because you are my mom or my aunt. We know that narcissists wouldn’t read this series, so we’ll rule them out.

If anyone other than an INFJ stumbled upon this series, they’d be saying, “What were you thinking? Why did you put up with that? Why didn’t you leave sooner? Hell! Why did you marry him to begin with? Maybe you are the one with the problems. YOU are the one with the issues. Why would you lose yourself in a relationship like that?”

To the INFJs reading this, I don’t need to explain. You know why I stayed as long as I did.

You, dear INFJ, are here to find some sort of compassion or understanding or an explanation. You want to know that you aren’t the only person (please stop calling yourself a fool) who would put up with so much bullshit. You want to believe that there are people out there who care about relationships as deeply as you do. Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

Perhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist. Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation. When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A. You rock boats just to see how people react. But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried. She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair. And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course. Who says no in the beginning of a relationship? Why risk losing something so sweet? There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

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18
Dec 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 12

At this point, she’s an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom, an ineffectual facilitator for the kids and their father, a disappointing wife, and basically, a single parent.

While some women have a lengthy list of chores to greet them at the beginning of each new day, she had two lists – one of her chores, and one of her failures. It’s hard to enthusiastically fold towels or chop vegies for stir-fry, all the while knowing she’d be criticized for both. Certainly, the kids were a bigger priority than perfectly folded towels, but he didn’t see things that way.

She could handle his indifference toward her. She was used to it. By now, she was aware that she’d never perform well enough to meet his standards. But it broke her heart to think he held their precious kids up to the same standards.

She noticed his growing disdain for the oldest child, and the way he patronized the youngest. Was it all in her head? Most days he treated his kids as if they were mere inconveniences.

Continue reading →

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14
Jul 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

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5
Feb 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 10

Becoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.

It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection. Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.

She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority. Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority. Wouldn’t he? How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority? She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand. She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority? Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family? Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home? Will we parent as a team? Will you change diapers? Are you okay with breastfeeding? Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”

She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it. INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →

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23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →

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15
May 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 8

She hadn’t heard the ticking of a biological clock. She didn’t have one.

She rarely babysat as a kid. She never craved holding a newborn. She didn’t know what to do around kids. When she married at 33, she was pretty certain she wouldn’t be starting a family. That was fine with her.* He had adult children from a previous marriage, so he wasn’t pushing to start a second family. She has no recollection of discussing babies with him. Perhaps they both assumed that wasn’t on the table.

__________

As she looks back, she wonders if – in lieu of a ticking biological clock – what she heard were faint echos coming from a deep cavern. “Helloooo up there. Is this all there is? Is this the amount of love you might ever expect to receive?” And quieter still, the softest whisper that said, “Can you expect to survive on so little human contact or connection?” Continue reading →

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28
Mar 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 7

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She’d grown accustomed to being invisible. Invisibility was normal. She learned that in childhood. In her marriage, she was invisible to her partner, so she thought that was normal, too.

The INFJ

Most INFJs enjoy being invisible. INFJs are comfortable staying in the background. Continue reading →

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17
Jan 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 6

She doesn’t know how it feels to marry the right person. She does know how it feels to want to vomit right after saying the words, “I do.”

She knows how it feels to keep herself busy so as not to have time to wrap her brain around the idea that she’d made a mistake – maybe the biggest mistake ever.

She knows how it is to feel claustrophobic sitting in the car next to her husband as they drove to the west coast to hike on their honeymoon. As each mile brought them closer to the Olympic Peninsula, her palms felt clammier. She desperately needed to stop the car. She couldn’t breathe sitting next to him. Was this what it was like to have a panic attack? Continue reading →

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20
Dec 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 5

Often, it isn’t until after you do something that you realize how much you shouldn’t have done that thing. So it was with marrying the narcissist.

In the flurry of preparations the morning of the ceremony, she was approached by well-wishers. The look in their eyes should have told her something. As over-thinking INFJs do, she assumed she needed to do more to make her guests comfortable. Now, as she thinks back on the general mood of the attendees, she realizes those looks showed concern – concern masked by forced smiles.

What should the energy be on that big day? Isn’t it more about the marriage than the wedding? Don’t two people grow together during the marriage? Jitters and cold feet are present at every wedding, aren’t they? The wedding was a formality. The marriage was the true test of their rightness for each other.

Right? Continue reading →

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25
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 4

The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.

He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.

Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.

Continue reading →

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11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →

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25
Oct 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 2

Those INFJ traits make for a tenacious individual when it comes to working on relationships. She would never run out of the desire to try. She’d contort herself into whatever shape he needed in order to make this work.

If he wanted an outdoorsy woman, she’d happily put on hiking boots.

If he wanted a woman who only had time for him, she’d quit returning the calls from friends and family.

If he wanted a companion who followed his dreams, she’d tuck her dreams away in a box on a shelf in the closet.

Continue reading →

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22
Oct 13

She was attracted to him from the first moment they met. He was older by a decade. The look in his eyes made her think he’d experienced enough to have learned; and the spark made her want to believe that he wasn’t done learning.

He was drawn to her intense desire to listen, and because she was an INFJ, he couldn’t help but spill his guts. He told her details of his failed marriage, the trials and tribulations of owning a business while raising kids, and stories of adventures in the mountains of the west. She soaked it all up. The more intently she listened, the more he talked. He thrived in her attention.

The more she asked, the more he told. The more she listened, the taller he grew and the broader his shoulders appeared.

After one intense exchange, she briefly worried that if he got to know her better, he might not be interested. She noticed that he seldom asked questions of her life. Would he still be drawn to her once he learned of her dreams and hopes and failures? Continue reading →